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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out H is cheating

419 replies

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:30

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

OP posts:
user1471600850 · 02/08/2023 15:28

Please stop responding to Softoprider - she is irrelevant in this and contributes nothing!

Treesinmygarden · 02/08/2023 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Unreal... utter lack of empathy, vile!!

Maslina3 · 02/08/2023 15:34

Not as bad as someone taking time out of their day to verbally kick a women, they do not know, when she is going through possibly the most difficult time in her life!

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 02/08/2023 15:36

Softoprider · 02/08/2023 15:17

@Isthisexpected
I don't have any attitude on it. It is a fact that they allowed a child to hear their problems. I don't care who did what... they let him hear enough to make him cry. How bad is that !

Go away. They didn't ALLOW a child to listen, can't you read?

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 02/08/2023 15:40

Softoprider · 02/08/2023 14:57

And they both talked about it in front of a seven year old child. Both equally to blame for that.

Don't be daft, can't you read? Or are you just lacking in comprehension as to the difference between "in front of" and "My seven year old was in bed, with two doors closed and a staircase between him and us, and we were talking in normal voices, not screaming and shouting"?

Pallisers · 02/08/2023 15:40

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 13:08

Can the pious fuckers going on about the seven year old overhearing, please stop?

Do some posters have that strong a compulsion to find fault with an OP and lay into her to make themselves feel superior, that they’ll focus on something like this, despite what is happening to her in the thread?

Really couldn't have said it better. It says a lot about someone that they would kick at a woman who is going through what the OP is going through. Pious fuckers is too mild a description.

Best of luck OP.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2023 15:43

As of right now, you need to NOT believe a single word he says to you. If he says 'the sun is shining' you better go to the window and see for yourself. No one lies like a cheater caught out, especially when family and finances are involved. So, he says he'd 'never' try to screw you financially? Don't believe him. He says OW's husband 'knows all'? Don't believe him. Right now he's in full 'not my fault' mode and will do and say whatever he needs to in order to 'slip under your radar' and keep the status quo. At least until he knows what OW is willing to do.

Protect yourself financially, right now that's about the only thing you can do before you get home. If you have things online, take screenshots of all bank balances/investment statements/mortgage, just everything and do that now. If you have joint banking, as soon as you get home you need to open an account in your own name and arrange for your salary & any benefits you may receive to be paid into it, even if you decide to keep the joint banking for the time being to keep an eye on family finances to be sure he isn't transferring or squandering money. You can always transfer 'your share' of the household expenses into the joint fund until you get things separated.

I know it may be difficult, but seek support from your friends/family. If you feel you don't have the privacy to speak, then text what's happened but explain that you don't have the privacy to take calls so text only. Even if all you hear is "OMG I'm so sorry, thinking of you. Will call asa your home" it will still help.

I know he's gone to a separate hotel, but think about what you need once you get home. If you told him to stay away from the home, would he? Do you feel you can be under the same roof with him and keep some semblance of calm? If not, tell him he needs to 'be elsewhere', but don't be surprised if he refuses. Oh, and be prepared for his accusation of "why are YOU breaking up the family?".

Final and actually most important. You need to see a solicitor as soon as you can. Like the day after you land, it's that important. It's the best way and first step to enacting 'Duck Protocol'. And the best way to educate yourself as to what divorce may mean for you financially and WRT the children.

You can do this.

Original poster
SensetheTone · 02/08/2023 16:08

YesitsBess · 02/08/2023 12:24

Perhaps a sensible option is to dump all the "what I'd really like to do" stuff on here. Then you can revisit if you'd like, or just get it out of your head.

So he's gone, good, does anyone at the holiday cottages know about this, have you got someone there who can support you?

Show quote history

Yes that is a good idea. I would also really like to phone the OW, or email her, (her details are on the company website) and ask her what the hell she thinks she is playing at, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea either.

No-one at the holiday cottages knows and there’s not really anyone I can confide in - the owner lady is lovely and would be really kind but she is also the type who might say something when H comes back on Saturday to collect us for the airport and I wouldn’t want that in front of the children. The DC and I are going to the dinner tonight and have said H has had to work - a distraction for a couple of hours is no bad thing I think.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 02/08/2023 16:10

oakleaffy · 02/08/2023 14:43

Agree 100%
My ex had an affair with his head of dept

EVERYONE knew.

Show quote history

This is so true.

EVERYONE knows.

It was a sport where my close pal worked msny many years ago, watching one very senior 48 year old senior director meet a newly graduated inhouse solicitor, in the office supplies room.

Hilarious. It really was entertaining and went on for months.

They really thought no one had a clue.

What we didn't know at the time was his wife knew and was having him followed, old style!!

Have never heard of it before, or since.

They were divorced super quietly and she got everything, house, summer home, and substantial spousal support.

Why?

His mother was a totally devoted COE and was unwell, and if a hint of it came out his arse would have been written out of her huge will, quicker than you can say Busted.

I got the whole story from my friend, who
was friends with her, and she was TOTALLY blindsided when his wife sent photographs into their employer and she was called into HR.

She was beyond mortified and it was suggested she move on with an excellent reference
She was too terrified of messing up her career to do anything but acquiesce.

Such bullshit, but thats the way things were 35 years ago.

Unfortunately the gossip followed her and she ended up havibg to move a couple of hours away to a lesser position.

She recovered her career and got back on track after a couple of years hard work where she was utterly focused on her career, but the very sage advice remains to this day IMO "don't mess where you eat".

CornishGem1975 · 02/08/2023 16:11

Yes that is a good idea. I would also really like to phone the OW, or email her, (her details are on the company website) and ask her what the hell she thinks she is playing at, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea either.

I doubt that would make you feel any better. In fact, it could make you feel way worse.

monsteramunch · 02/08/2023 16:14

Softoprider · 02/08/2023 15:17

@Isthisexpected
I don't have any attitude on it. It is a fact that they allowed a child to hear their problems. I don't care who did what... they let him hear enough to make him cry. How bad is that !

Have you not read OP's posts? They spoke without raised voices, in a different room to their child.

It's awful he heard, OP has clearly said she's gutted that he heard them.

But they did what any sensible person would do (no raised voices, discussed in a separate room), they weren't irresponsible it was just rotten luck that he could hear.

You're berating a woman already currently suffering after having a terrible, life changing bf shock. Berating her for something she already feels terrible about even though it was an entirety unintentional thing.

Do you feel good about doing that?

billy1966 · 02/08/2023 16:16

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2023 15:43

As of right now, you need to NOT believe a single word he says to you. If he says 'the sun is shining' you better go to the window and see for yourself. No one lies like a cheater caught out, especially when family and finances are involved. So, he says he'd 'never' try to screw you financially? Don't believe him. He says OW's husband 'knows all'? Don't believe him. Right now he's in full 'not my fault' mode and will do and say whatever he needs to in order to 'slip under your radar' and keep the status quo. At least until he knows what OW is willing to do.

Protect yourself financially, right now that's about the only thing you can do before you get home. If you have things online, take screenshots of all bank balances/investment statements/mortgage, just everything and do that now. If you have joint banking, as soon as you get home you need to open an account in your own name and arrange for your salary & any benefits you may receive to be paid into it, even if you decide to keep the joint banking for the time being to keep an eye on family finances to be sure he isn't transferring or squandering money. You can always transfer 'your share' of the household expenses into the joint fund until you get things separated.

I know it may be difficult, but seek support from your friends/family. If you feel you don't have the privacy to speak, then text what's happened but explain that you don't have the privacy to take calls so text only. Even if all you hear is "OMG I'm so sorry, thinking of you. Will call asa your home" it will still help.

I know he's gone to a separate hotel, but think about what you need once you get home. If you told him to stay away from the home, would he? Do you feel you can be under the same roof with him and keep some semblance of calm? If not, tell him he needs to 'be elsewhere', but don't be surprised if he refuses. Oh, and be prepared for his accusation of "why are YOU breaking up the family?".

Final and actually most important. You need to see a solicitor as soon as you can. Like the day after you land, it's that important. It's the best way and first step to enacting 'Duck Protocol'. And the best way to educate yourself as to what divorce may mean for you financially and WRT the children.

You can do this.

Excellent advice.

Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

I'm so sorry for you.

I meant to add, even though we were only in our early mid 20's ish when this happened, we totally thought his wife was a legend.

YesitsBess · 02/08/2023 16:19

SensetheTone · 02/08/2023 16:08

Yes that is a good idea. I would also really like to phone the OW, or email her, (her details are on the company website) and ask her what the hell she thinks she is playing at, but I’m not sure that’s a good idea either.

No-one at the holiday cottages knows and there’s not really anyone I can confide in - the owner lady is lovely and would be really kind but she is also the type who might say something when H comes back on Saturday to collect us for the airport and I wouldn’t want that in front of the children. The DC and I are going to the dinner tonight and have said H has had to work - a distraction for a couple of hours is no bad thing I think.

Show quote history

I'd be tempted to. I'd also quite cheerfully twat the both of them with a pan 😊so let's park that here for now.

Dinner is a good idea, especially for the kids. You're doing brilliantly.

Do you want to pre-warn a sibling or friend before you get back so they can be ready to help or are you just at the 'holding it together on auto pilot' stage and prefer writing it all here?

I do remember I didn't want to tell anyone close for a while because the sympathy might actually have tipped me over the edge when I needed to just be a robot for a bit.

Izzy24 · 02/08/2023 16:20

Sorry to read all this OP. Some useful advice here already so nothing for me to add. Except to reiterate that you should believe what you see, not what you’re told.

Dixiechickonhols · 02/08/2023 16:32

I know it must be tempting to email her but don’t certainly not while everything so raw and you are in a foreign country unsupported.
Have you a plan B for Saturday if he doesn’t come for you all? You need to ensure you three are all safely on the flight.
I’d think in stages.
So at minute it’s cope until back in uk.
Then short term plan once back in Uk. Will he leave house, how to share time with the children.
Then start thinking longer term, get ducks in a row, legal advice.
Women have long running supportive threads on here. What always strikes me is how they are always happier on the other side of it.

Iwasafool · 02/08/2023 16:37

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 02/08/2023 15:40

Don't be daft, can't you read? Or are you just lacking in comprehension as to the difference between "in front of" and "My seven year old was in bed, with two doors closed and a staircase between him and us, and we were talking in normal voices, not screaming and shouting"?

Show quote history

It is hard to understand though, I mean if there were two closed doors and a staircase and no raised voices how could he hear the conversation. I assume voices were more raised than the OP realised which is perfectly understandable.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 02/08/2023 16:38

One of my colleagues split up with her dh because he cheated with a colleague, he got sacked anyway because he used the company mobile to text her as did she to text him and they sacked them both for gross misconduct,

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 16:39

Softoprider · 02/08/2023 14:57

And they both talked about it in front of a seven year old child. Both equally to blame for that.

Can you read?

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 16:43

Iwasafool · 02/08/2023 16:37

It is hard to understand though, I mean if there were two closed doors and a staircase and no raised voices how could he hear the conversation. I assume voices were more raised than the OP realised which is perfectly understandable.

Show quote history

Presuming the seven year old has legs, one can assume he got out of bed, unheard, and came to the door, where he overheard.

What’s ‘hard’ about that?

AcrossthePond55 · 02/08/2023 16:45

@SensetheTone

No, absolutely do NOT contact OW or her DH. At this point you need to 'go stealth'. You've got quite a few ducks to herd into that row and to do that effectively you need to keep your H in the dark about everything you do. Beyond asking him to leave (if you choose to do that) you need to do all you can to assure that he remains in ignorance about any plans you make or actions you take. To any questions he asks you say "I can't think about that now" or "I'll think about it". Once you've decided on a solicitor your answer will be "I'll have to talk to my solicitor". ESPECIALLY when it comes to him making you any 'offers' or wants you to agree to any type of financial or child-related arrangement. Everything needs to be run by a solicitor to be sure you are getting the right/fair deal.

For now, you tell only those you are 100% certain will keep your total confidence and will tell no one else. The element of surprise is imperative now. There will be plenty of time to tell your side of the story to the world (if you choose) once you've made the best decisions for yourself.

Iwasafool · 02/08/2023 16:51

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 16:43

Presuming the seven year old has legs, one can assume he got out of bed, unheard, and came to the door, where he overheard.

What’s ‘hard’ about that?

Show quote history

Well that wasn't what the OP said. she said My seven year old was in bed, with two doors closed and a staircase between him and us so I assumed he was in bed with two doors closed and a staircase between him and the OP.

If he'd actually got up, sneaked downstairs to listen to what was being said it would have been useful to say that was how he heard, people might have actually understood.

AgnesX · 02/08/2023 17:01

YesitsBess · 01/08/2023 22:40

Cripes. That sounds utterly shit.

Moving forward is probably a task for 'tomorrow you'.

For tonight, are the kids abed? Do you feel safe? Do you want a listening ear or the duck protocol?*

*duck protocol= when many wise MNers come together and help you make lists of practical next steps.

Duck protocol. Love it, great expression.🦆

justrude · 02/08/2023 17:11

Agree with PP, do not contact OW.
A friend did this, so then OW had her number. She was then bombarded with drunk messages and calls from OW and her friends for MONTHS, showing absolutely no remorse.

I would, however, contact OW poor H, because he could be a support.

Pontiouspilate · 02/08/2023 17:11

Your four year old will have sensed Mummy andd Daddy are sad and been been confused why. He wouldn't have let in to you that he had noticed anything because when adults keep secrets, kids know to play along to keep themselves safe

Oh give over how on earth do you know? Anyway I wasn’t all that sad and we’re still good friends and hang out together so not sure you’ve won there…..sorry

Cakecakecheese · 02/08/2023 17:13

Iwasafool · 02/08/2023 16:51

Well that wasn't what the OP said. she said My seven year old was in bed, with two doors closed and a staircase between him and us so I assumed he was in bed with two doors closed and a staircase between him and the OP.

If he'd actually got up, sneaked downstairs to listen to what was being said it would have been useful to say that was how he heard, people might have actually understood.

Show quote history

Or maybe people could just support a poor woman who is devastated about her husband having an affair and go nit pick somewhere else.