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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out H is cheating

419 replies

SensetheTone · 01/08/2023 22:30

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 13:08

Can the pious fuckers going on about the seven year old overhearing, please stop?

Do some posters have that strong a compulsion to find fault with an OP and lay into her to make themselves feel superior, that they’ll focus on something like this, despite what is happening to her in the thread?

loulouljh · 02/08/2023 13:13

Goodness some people are not kind. Ideally the 7 year old would not have heard but this is not an ideal situation!!!! It is as it is. The OP I am sure will do everything to reassure him/her and all will be ok.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 02/08/2023 13:14

The 7 year old was going to find out eventually. It's not like you can hide this sort of thing easily.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Hapshetshut · 02/08/2023 13:17

When this happened to me I messaged all his family and friends. No way was he going to hide what he’d done

JJ8765 · 02/08/2023 13:20

Focus on practicalities. Assume he is not your friend and once he works out how much running two properties and CM is all bets are off as to finances. Open your own bank account if you don’t have one and get your wages / benefits paid in there. You can do this now online. You can remove 50% any joint savings and put them in sole name. Take him off any joint credit card in your name. Work out a plan when you get home someone will need to help with dc so you have time on your own to get support (or just yell/cry) and you have time to make decisions without them being around. You can apply for benefits even if separated in same house. When you get home gather evidence of savings, investments, debts etc. Tell work and try and get time off next week if you can. You won’t be the first person whose marriage has imploded. Think about telling someone who can step in and help or even take your dc to their grandparents when you get home so you have space. Do not underestimate the ability of selfish men to walk away from their kids and responsibilities. Assume you are on your own financially whatever he says. Being financially independent of him with UC gives you more control. If necessary you can for eg get a mortgage holiday the priority is to get yourself a financial emergency fund. The dc will remember whether they overheard or whether they were told months later when everything was sorted. They will be upset either way and then they will be fine because one awesome parent and one stable home is all kids need to thrive. Dc are more resilient than adults in my experience.

Cakecakecheese · 02/08/2023 13:42

Hibiscrubbed · 02/08/2023 13:08

Can the pious fuckers going on about the seven year old overhearing, please stop?

Do some posters have that strong a compulsion to find fault with an OP and lay into her to make themselves feel superior, that they’ll focus on something like this, despite what is happening to her in the thread?

Quite. The child overheard a discussion, it's not like the OP screamed and hit him over the head with a frying pan. It must have taken a lot of restraint to not give him what for.

nobodysdaughternow · 02/08/2023 13:47

Pontiouspilate · 02/08/2023 12:56

When we split I kept up the pretence for my 4 year old for 6 months until we knew what we were doing. There’s no way your 7 yr old should be sobbing about this, how do they know?!

Your four year old will have sensed Mummy andd Daddy are sad and been been confused why. He wouldn't have let in to you that he had noticed anything because when adults keep secrets, kids know to play along to keep themselves safe.

FreeRider · 02/08/2023 14:00

The family courts don't care who did what to whom. Apportioning blame is not their task

As my mother found out when she took my father to court. She thought they'd be so disgusted with his behaviour (left her for OW) that she'd be allowed to keep the family home and have my father still paying the mortgage for another 20 years, even though myself and my siblings were all over 18.

She got her arse handed to her by the judge, who told her as a healthy 48 year old woman she'd have to go out and get a job. The small equity in the house was split down the middle...after the bank had taken all their fees/penalties for the 2 and a half years the mortgage hadn't been paid...

Softoprider · 02/08/2023 14:32

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Dixiechickonhols · 02/08/2023 14:34

Your head must be reeling. I’d not do anything rash like contacting the husband. Just survive until Saturday.
Can you sort anymore annual leave or someone to have children for a bit when you are back.
Don’t end up you minding kids and pretending everything normal while he goes back to work (and her) You need time and space to think and be able to have conversations with friends, mortgage, book into a solicitor etc.

WhatBloodyNow · 02/08/2023 14:35

This reply has been deleted

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Well if his shithead father had kept it in his pants, there would have been nothing for him to overhear, would there?

But sure, keep kicking a woman while she's down.

weightymatters73 · 02/08/2023 14:36

SensetheTone · 02/08/2023 12:21

The other awful thing is that H’s employer has a policy about relationships at work. OW sort of reports to DH (he’s not her direct line manager, but is more senior and part of the dept management team) so they are obliged to disclose the relationship. Failure to do so would likely mean him getting fired (if they got found out) and then our finances would be wrecked. It is so tempting to phone up and dump them in the shit at work but I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Bear in mind people at work will already know - people aren't blind. We have had several office romances and they always think they are being discreet, <spoiler>, they're not.

Mentionitis kicks in, they disappear at similar times. Lunches are "coincidentally" taken at the same time or they start having lots of closed door meetings, so this horse may have already bolted.

I currently have 2 employees in the early stages of this (both married to others)....At the moment my guess is they are having an emotional affair, but it won't be long. They are currently the talk of the office, both think no one knows.

oakleaffy · 02/08/2023 14:42

@SensetheTone Huge commiserations to you and your poor 7 yr old - It's so unfair on children.

It just seems that so many men are faithless- thinking with their dicks, and the OW are scummy, too -zero conscience.

I have been there- it hurts.

Sod the ''Happy meal'' with others.

oakleaffy · 02/08/2023 14:43

weightymatters73 · 02/08/2023 14:36

Bear in mind people at work will already know - people aren't blind. We have had several office romances and they always think they are being discreet, <spoiler>, they're not.

Mentionitis kicks in, they disappear at similar times. Lunches are "coincidentally" taken at the same time or they start having lots of closed door meetings, so this horse may have already bolted.

I currently have 2 employees in the early stages of this (both married to others)....At the moment my guess is they are having an emotional affair, but it won't be long. They are currently the talk of the office, both think no one knows.

Show quote history

Agree 100%
My ex had an affair with his head of dept

EVERYONE knew.

Seasideanticscanleadtosandybuckets · 02/08/2023 14:50

Please remember it isn't op that left the dc open to hearing anything they shouldn't.. Imo df's left on a pedastal leave dc questioning lots as older dc when they do learn the truth. Op's dh chose dipping his dick over having his dc 24/7...

Softoprider · 02/08/2023 14:57

And they both talked about it in front of a seven year old child. Both equally to blame for that.

Oldwobblechops77 · 02/08/2023 15:03

Just read your updates op. You are being really brave. 💐

What a nightmare for you. And fair point about your seven year old overhearing. It clearly was unavoidable.

Wishing you lots of strength until you get home and thereafter. I hope you can get some rl support organised for your return. Don’t try to do it all by yourself. Get some friends and family members primed and ready to help.

Isthisexpected · 02/08/2023 15:04

weightymatters73 · 02/08/2023 14:36

Bear in mind people at work will already know - people aren't blind. We have had several office romances and they always think they are being discreet, <spoiler>, they're not.

Mentionitis kicks in, they disappear at similar times. Lunches are "coincidentally" taken at the same time or they start having lots of closed door meetings, so this horse may have already bolted.

I currently have 2 employees in the early stages of this (both married to others)....At the moment my guess is they are having an emotional affair, but it won't be long. They are currently the talk of the office, both think no one knows.

Show quote history

If only someone would say to one or both of them do you know that you're behaving inappropriately. Sometimes a wake up call could really help.

CrackerAndPudding · 02/08/2023 15:04

What do you mean Softoprider? OP was in another room, away from her son and unaware he could hear them.

Oldwobblechops77 · 02/08/2023 15:05

Softoprider · 02/08/2023 14:57

And they both talked about it in front of a seven year old child. Both equally to blame for that.

You clearly haven’t rtft. See op’s post at 12.14 pm today.

Isthisexpected · 02/08/2023 15:05

Softoprider · 02/08/2023 14:57

And they both talked about it in front of a seven year old child. Both equally to blame for that.

This a horrible attitude to have. It wasn't a conscious choice on the part of OP.

Softoprider · 02/08/2023 15:17

@Isthisexpected
I don't have any attitude on it. It is a fact that they allowed a child to hear their problems. I don't care who did what... they let him hear enough to make him cry. How bad is that !

SwishSwishBisch · 02/08/2023 15:19

i hope all the PPs berating OP for “letting” her 7yo overhear feel better for ensuring we all know how perfect they are. Dickheads.

Strength & solidarity to you @SensetheTone - as soon as you’re able to make contact, rally your troops. You will need, and deserve, all the support going.

CrackerAndPudding · 02/08/2023 15:20

I don't understand Softoprider are you under the impression the OP knew her son was listening, or hadn't taken the precaution of waiting til later and going into a separate room?

Hawkins009 · 02/08/2023 15:22

Any chance to save the relationship considering how long the affairs happened

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