Just found out H is cheating

[SensetheTone]

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

I sometimes want to say "BRING IN THE DUCK WRANGLERS" but don't because that isn't very helpful generally.

I love MN when a whole bunch of women react to a distress call from a stranger with a kind of bluff military efficency.

I’d be wary of contacting the woman’s H, he may or may not know. Op has no idea how he would react eg if he turns up at Op’s home and beats up her husband in front of their children or turns up at work exposing the affair which may have financial implications for Op.

This, absolutely this. It’s great to see the support out there (or on here!)

OP, not a word.

You will regret it.

The element of surprise is a great thing.

Be as devastated and confused with him, whilst quietly getting your shit together.

Lashing out gives you momentarily a surge of satisfaction, but it exposes you.

Far better to keep those cards close to your chest, feign confusion, and put yourself in the strongest position properly to inact the duck protocol.

You can do this.

Good afternoon OP. Hopefully you are continuing to feel a bit better.

Don't ring the OW, she isn't part of the sisterhood, we don't sleep with the man who has a wife and small children. That little stunt bans you for life!
And she didn't fall in love, blah blah blah.

Take solace from the fact they will never have a happy home or any money.

And a quote from my BFF, the only 'happy meal' the H will be having is in McDonalds. Quite the thing on a Sunday for exh apparently.

Can you get a taxi to the airport rather than waiting for your husband to pick you up? Unless he has the tickets I'd be very tempted to pack my bags and those of your children and leave him to it.

Both of your chiildren will have known that something was wrong, whether or not they had heard the details. A baby's very first job in this world is to figure out how their mother is feeling because their survival relies on it.

When they don't know why you are feeling a certain way, they try to make sense of it in any way possible because human brains do not like uncertainty.

Their sense-making relies on their world experiences, so this could mean blaming themselves over something that they feel that have done or said, or using fantasy or stories to fill in the gaps.

As soon as you're ready, you have an age-appropriate conversation,

You might have noticed that Mummy has been feeling a bit grumpy and sad. That's because me and Daddy have had an argument that we can't figure out right now. Neither of you have done anything wrong, and nothing you can say or do will change what is happening between us. We love you very much and that won't ever stop.

For your 7-year-old, you need to find out what they have heard and leave a space for their feelings on what has happened.
That might have felt really confusing and scary, I'm sorry that you had to deal with that on your own. I'm here now and I'm ready to listen whenever you would like. Is there anyone else you would like to talk to about this, I know that it might be a bit weird to just talk to me about it? (A caring, more neutral adult like a sensible grandparent or family friend. School might have a counsellor if they are struggling in Sept.)

This is a long way of saying that it's not your fault your child overheard, you haven't irreperably damaged them, and keeping secrets from your children isn't a helpful approach. They just blame themselves for your upset.

Is there any way you could have some time alone whist he has the kids? Why should you spend from now until Saturday doing all the parenting whilst he relaxes and no doubt chats to her?

I forgot to say my son overheard a conversation when he was 8 re a devastating cash crisis. He was always listing at doors, banister dusting we call it! He is now a very successful CS and the only lasting effect is he is brilliant with money. I was mortified he heard but it was truely an awful situation, our voices were raised and I was crying. This was in the crash. Our daughter was 4 and didn't understand. You do sound a great mum. X

Dear OP

I am so sorry you are in this situation - I have been too and it feels like the world has caved in and everything you assumed about your relationship, your family and your future has collapsed before your eyes. My DC were 7 and 5 as well - so little and so deserving of comfort and security.

(I really, really wish posters on here would show some compassion and stop throwing mud at OP and other posters about how the 7 year old knew or sensed something was wrong. It cannot be helped. Stop judging and leave OP alone - it's happened and OPs world has collapsed).

My discovery happened behind closed doors but somehow at some point my 7 yr old overheard something. It was horrible for them and later for the 5 year old too - because it isn't about one night it's about a period of time and even if OP your child didn't hear now they will at sone point realise and feel pain.

I'm not presuming what will happen to you. But I'm glad your H has left for now. I know I couldn't bear to be near my XH and I kicked him out straightaway. Then I consulted a divorce lawyer so I could understand all the implications and where I stood and then we went to counselling for a few months to decide our future. Well I decided our future.

But my circumstances were different. XH had an affair for 10 months and then ended it. But when I found out he'd just picked up another woman and started flirty texting with her. It all started to unravel..... and I found out it all. His first response was denial, then disbelief that I'd kicked him out as if he had no appreciation of the risk he'd taken with our relationship and lives. And when we went for counselling he carried on lying and minimising and that's what really did it for me. I lost any belief in his integrity and he was no longer the man I thought I'd married.

A few thoughts - these are early days and you will be struggling - switching between anger, pain and disbelief. You will feel desperate for your children - it will be hard to hold it together but hold them close and love them. Caring for them is what will help you survive.

Next try and be very kind to yourself. Get in touch with people who are really kind and supportive and who are unquestioningly there for you. Sleep when you can, accept offers of help, try to get a bit of fresh air but no worries if you feel like you can't do anything. Try to eat a little when you can stomach it - avoid alcohol it will make you even more exhausted.

Don't be shocked that you want know everything - it will drive you insane not knowing because only him and her know what's happened to your marriage - that's part of the betrayal.

Contact the OW if you want. Of course it's better to manage your communications - at least for your pride - but anything you do right now is completely understandable. I wrote to the OW and told her what I thought of her and then suggested I would be popping in to see her at her place of work. I had no intention of doing so but I liked the thought she was looking over her shoulder. But in the end that's a distraction.

Finally please know that whatever happens you will survive this, you deserve so much better. One day you will will wake up and it won't be the first thing that punches you in the stomach. Right now, it hurts. Let it out, cry yourself a river. It will help you recover. Big hugs OP xxx

Nothing to add to the great advice you've had on here, OP, but I'm sending you love and all the strength you need to get through this.

💐

Hope you are ok op. You sound like a very loving , caring mother . You are stronger than you think . He doesn’t deserve you so do as others has said and see a solicitor but keep him thinking your in shock and can’t function enough to line your ducks . You’ll be thankful of this one day , he’s shown his true colours and you deserve better .

Does
it
matter???

I saw your post and couldn't move past. It's so incredible to read that so many good people out there commenting below.

As said before multiple times; you WILL get through this. breaking everything down into bitesize pieces will make things more manageable and don't do anything on a whim, always sleep on it and if you still think it's a good idea find a way!

From experience I can promise you that from what feels like the end of the world now, you will find friends you never knew existed, feel strength you never thought possible and learn how incredible you really are.

Final recommendation ... get a good therapist it's revolutionary !

Sending you lots of love and hugs OP. Stay strong for you and your dc's. Your DH is a dick.

I hope dinner went as well as it could.

Just to say you're in my thoughts.

It's not about winning. It's about stopping you pissing all over op when she is having to deal with a really awful situation.

Or trying too. You seem determined to talk about your non-relevant experience.

@SensetheTone
You gain nothing by speaking to the OP's husband otherhand than being mired in a trashy situation. Rather than speaking to him, you need to be seeking proper Legal Advice. As divorces are no fault in many places, you husband could have been having sex with this woman on your dinning room table, and the courts
do not care . The courts have gotten out of the moral judgement business. The functioning principle is that people who don't wish to be married should just be freed to move on with their lives.

Your family and friends may feel indignant on your behalf, but even they will soon tire of hearing about his transgressions. There are only so many times that the will want to hear about his betrayal.

What matters is getting your financial situation in order, and that will take focus rather than emotion. Your kids are young. They will adjust to his presence in different location or they will adjust to his absence. It is important for them to know that he is not leaving them, he is just living in a different place. If this is presented as the new normal, they will likely accept it as their new normal.

Again, focus on your asset split and the custodial arrangements. These are the important things right now. You will have plenty of time later to grieve the end of your marriage. Ending a marriage can be painful but it is never fatal.

Accept the fact that he has cheated, and do not waste time looking for evidence. Remember no one cares about the how and when's related to his cheating, and you will make yourself even more miserable trying to relive something that can only add to your misery.

Be better to yourself than that. People who will want to know the details are not your friends. You true friends will want to help you come out whole and healthy on the other side of this. They will not want of need to know all of the prurient details. It will be sufficient to know that you are hurting. You won't be hiding for him, you will be healing you.

Thank you again, everyone, for the messages of support and advice. I have managed to have a nice day with the children and they enjoyed the communal dinner. The cottage owners are being incredibly kind and I think know something is going on but are too polite to ask.

Having some space from H has been helpful. The more I think about it, the more sure I am that there’s no way back for the marriage. As if the cheating wasn’t enough, the way H reacted - going on about how awful it had been for him, disappearing to “sort his head out” leaving me with the children when he had just set a bomb off in my life and then not even being able to say what he wanted when we spoke in the evening (underlining my belief, and that of several PPs, that he is trying to keep his options open - he tried to push the decision onto me and say it was up to me to decide; I pointed out that it was only worth having a discussion at all if he had decided our family was more important to him than OW and he was willing to do whatever it took to try to repair the bomb damage) - just shows what sort of awful, selfish person he is.

Really the only reason I would be staying with him would be to maintain stability for the children and to avoid missing time with them and the awful prospect of having to share Christmases etc. and, as much as that idea is massively painful, I am not sure it is worth being miserable and suspicious for the rest of the year. I am also conscious that life as a single parent will be much harder in many ways - the joint friends I’ll lose, the need to work more hours and be away from the children more - and am scared at the prospect. I am making plans to relocate nearer my parents who will be very supportive, and also live in a much cheaper area so I could possibly buy a house with my share of the equity in ours and stay part-time (commuting to my job one day a week and wfh the rest of the time - my boss is lovely and I suspect would allow me to work completely remotely to start with if I told him). I know this will be more disruption for the children but they are young enough to adapt and they love their grandparents, plus it will give me the financial stability I need to be able to afford everything on my own without relying on a lying cheating dickhead for money. It will be a fresh start for all of us.

You sound very strong op, kudos to you.

And to answer a couple of questions - the OW does have kids, a bit older than ours. I can hardly see H playing happy families with them when he is not brilliant at looking after his own children, although I am secretly hoping he and OW do shack up together and he is forced to endure the full-on teenage angst of her daughter coupled with hatred of him for breaking up their family. It might make him miss our lovely, amazing kids and realise what he’s lost. We all know men are selfish shits, but I can’t believe a mother (OW) risked the happiness and stability of her children in this way.

Practical things when you get home. First, do all your detective work, collect payslips, bank & mortgage statements, pension statements, birth certificates for you & dc, car documents if you have your own car, things like driving licence & passports. Then see a solicitor, it is useful if you have as much of a statement of how you finances are as you can, both joint & single when you see them so they can advise you roughly what you are likely to get if you split up. Make sure you have your own bank account & have everything like your wages & child benefit if you get it. Look on Entitledto.co.uk if you would qualify for any benefits to top up your wage if you carry on working part- time. If he is prepared to admit his adultery, then getting divorced should be fairly straightforward, the more you can agree between yourselves the less you will spend on solicitors bills, but don't agree to any financial offer he makes you without discussing it with your solicitor, because you can bet it won't be enough.

What a shit he is. You are handling his abysmal selfishness with dignity and composure. Sorry that this is happening to you and your children.

I don’t want to piss on your plans @SensetheTone but be prepared for him to potentially cut up rough over your relocating if it involves uprooting the kids. If you live in England then he has legal options to exercise include applying for a Prohibited Steps Order to prevent you moving away with the children.

get a good solicitor.

I know, I was worried about that too. It’s only a couple of hours away, but I appreciate it’s still possible he could try to stop me. Would the judge take into account the fact that I can’t afford to stay where we currently live (London) on my own, and that I am the primary carer? I have contacted a solicitor with a view to having a first meeting next week.

@SensetheTone good morning OP.
I am glad you are considering a clean break and a new house. The children can choose their room colours and you can make a happy home. My parents played a big part in my DCs upbringing with my late father becoming my manny at one point. It was a revelation. Good for him and my son who had an unbreakable bond with him. You need people around you that care. I have worked in London all of my life but I am a shires girl and I came home when our DS was 3.
I love house shopping and would be on Rightmove now ! If you agree to half of the equity you will have a cleaner break and as you say you will be able to work part time and get your mojo back. As the children get older you can increase your hours. You will get various top ups. Maintaince payments are not taxed. Let's hope the bastard pays.
I am not sure what this woman was trying to achieve. Her children will hate her if her H is a decent person and I can tell you boys very rarely forgive absent fathers. My sisters exh was wonderful, best divorcee I have every known. But it was her affair and her kids have never, ever forgiven her.
Personally I think you would never trust him again. I know I wouldn't. I have a vivid imagination and I would be seeing him with her in my mind.
I see you as strong and elegant. You have a career (many don't). You are in a position of power with some money behind you and family. You stbexh will get his karma. Keep your dignity always.
You might meet someone else. I went out with total shits. My DH loved me from date two. Married 35 years. (he actually wouldn't try divorcing me as my family are solicitors). Keep the faith. X