Page 7 | Just found out H is cheating

SensetheTone · 2023-08-01T21:30:33+00:00

Long-term poster but name changed for this. To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

Dixiechickonhols · 02/08/2023 11:53

Op is abroad and reeling at the bombshell. I can’t believe people are berating her for letting her child overhear. Children aren’t daft they pick
up on vibes and they are in a tiny holiday cottage. Child probably sleeps soundly at home but not in a strange room with sibling.
Shes not a robot. None of this is her doing. Have a tiny bit of empathy she’s stuck there with him, plastering a smile on for kids without any support.
I can remember being really worried about my dad when I was 8 ish despite parents thinking they were really discreet. I’d overheard hospital and thought he was dying. Years later I realised timing was when had a vasectomy.

Mari9999 · 02/08/2023 11:57

@SensetheTone
Your children are obviously not looking at his phone , so they have to responding to your words and actions. It is you that is upsetting them at this particular time.

To date, he has not done anything to your children,a man or woman can cheat on their spouse or partner and yet love their children very much.

If you have decided that the marriage is over, please seek legal advice, but do try to keep your children out of this as much as possible.

Divorce can be difficult, especially if there were no ongoing issues in your relationship.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/08/2023 12:02

People trying to protect kids from personal lives, it's not as simple as that - by 9 I knew my dad was having an affair, I knew things were not good at home, by 15 I knew they were both knocking other people off. We can make children feel loved- we can't always protect from everything -

Original poster

SensetheTone · 02/08/2023 12:14

Just a quick update as H has now left for a hotel and I am on my own trying to keep things normal for the children. To all those berating me for “letting” my seven year old hear what was going on - I actually found out in the middle of the day yesterday and had to hold everything in until the evening (for the children’s sake). My seven year old was in bed, with two doors closed and a staircase between him and us, and we were talking in normal voices, not screaming and shouting (much as I wanted to) - we only realised he had heard when I heard him crying. If it helps, I feel absolutely awful about it and have reassured him that we both love him very much and that he and his sibling are our first priority. Thank you to the kind posters who stuck up for me on this point.

OP posts:

larkstar · 02/08/2023 12:14

I'm agreeing with @Monkeylimas this is not time to get the best bone China out - he's being obstructive, smokescreening - jackboot the door down and speak to the OW's husband.

WrongNameMummy · 02/08/2023 12:15

SensetheTone · 02/08/2023 12:14

Just a quick update as H has now left for a hotel and I am on my own trying to keep things normal for the children. To all those berating me for “letting” my seven year old hear what was going on - I actually found out in the middle of the day yesterday and had to hold everything in until the evening (for the children’s sake). My seven year old was in bed, with two doors closed and a staircase between him and us, and we were talking in normal voices, not screaming and shouting (much as I wanted to) - we only realised he had heard when I heard him crying. If it helps, I feel absolutely awful about it and have reassured him that we both love him very much and that he and his sibling are our first priority. Thank you to the kind posters who stuck up for me on this point.

Honestly OP, a lot of men are so sloppy the kids end up being the ones that tell Mum.

Original poster

SensetheTone · 02/08/2023 12:16

I might try to contact the OW’s husband to double check he does actually know, although I believed H when he told me this. Not sure how to find him as I don’t know his first name but I will try to track him down.

OP posts:

zooopta · 02/08/2023 12:19

I mean there's no great time to find out news like this but what an extra shitty time to find this out

You don't need him on the holiday because of the car. You think you do but you can get around fine without him. You absolutely don't need him or his help. You can get taxis, preferably with his money
Let him sit miserable in a hotel alone while you make memories with the kids
Is the weather nice? Enjoy it. You'll be home soon to reality to soak it all in now

You've got this @SensetheTone

SadieOlsen · 02/08/2023 12:19

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/08/2023 02:37

Because they speak the same language as their parents and can understand what they are saying.

I was a similar age when I first heard the word "Fuck" because it was used by my (very prim and proper) Mother when yelled at my Father that he had "fucked that tart". I didnt know the exact meaning but I understood the context and what it meant in relation to our family because for months and months one or the other of them was threatening to leave over it. I cried, my sister cried. And this was 1980 (ish).

Of course a 7 year old would understand.

Show quote history

Yes - of-course children understand what is going on! At 7 years old I did, and so did my 8 year old brother who having overheard a comversation between my parents, cycled to Mummy's "friend's" house to beg the man to leave our Mummy alone. It breaks my heart to think of it and children do not forget.

Original poster

SensetheTone · 02/08/2023 12:21

The other awful thing is that H’s employer has a policy about relationships at work. OW sort of reports to DH (he’s not her direct line manager, but is more senior and part of the dept management team) so they are obliged to disclose the relationship. Failure to do so would likely mean him getting fired (if they got found out) and then our finances would be wrecked. It is so tempting to phone up and dump them in the shit at work but I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

OP posts:

YesitsBess · 02/08/2023 12:24

SensetheTone · 02/08/2023 12:21

The other awful thing is that H’s employer has a policy about relationships at work. OW sort of reports to DH (he’s not her direct line manager, but is more senior and part of the dept management team) so they are obliged to disclose the relationship. Failure to do so would likely mean him getting fired (if they got found out) and then our finances would be wrecked. It is so tempting to phone up and dump them in the shit at work but I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

Perhaps a sensible option is to dump all the "what I'd really like to do" stuff on here. Then you can revisit if you'd like, or just get it out of your head.

So he's gone, good, does anyone at the holiday cottages know about this, have you got someone there who can support you?

UnicornStarfish · 02/08/2023 12:25

So he's been shagging an underling. What a peach! Agree you need to hold one because you don't want him out of a job. Still, that's one card you can play once it's all been sorted, if a bit of revenge is needed.

nonmerci99 · 02/08/2023 12:29

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 02/08/2023 02:39

Sorry, but the kids should never have been in a position to overhear.

Adults need to control themselves and not discuss this within earshot.

What a helpful comment.

DriftingDora · 02/08/2023 12:29

Softoprider · Today 10:21

I just do not understand why you allowed your seven year old child to find out. Unforgivable.

What a thoroughly nasty, ill-informed comment to make. On what evidence do you apportion blame to the OP for this? How do you know the full circumstances? Why not engage your brain?

SerafinasGoose · 02/08/2023 12:31

bagforlifeamnesty · 02/08/2023 03:39

Haven’t read all the comments so someone might have already suggested this but I think you need to get evidence. If things turn nasty further down the line and he wants to contest something in court or whatever he might just completely gaslight you and deny everything. The fact he has fully confessed now means nothing if you have no actual evidence of this or evidence of the cheating as he could just turn round and completely deny it. You need to either get messages or whatever as proof, financial info (spending on hotels etc?) or a recording or something. I’d imagine that none of these are actually treated as proper “evidence” in court but it may be sufficient to deter your prick of a husband from deciding to deny it all if it suits him.

The family courts don't care who did what to whom. Apportioning blame is not their task.

OP does not need further 'evidence'. No one needs evidence in order to decide that a marriage is over.

'D'H is not the one who gets to call the shots from this point on. Strange how this so often surprises them.

I'm sorry, OP.

nonmerci99 · 02/08/2023 12:40

CornishGem1975 · 02/08/2023 10:31

It's not helpful but OP does need to protect her children right now and at 7 years old they should not even have an inkling of what is going on. I went through a divorce and my teenagers didn't know anything about it for months, until we had finances and everything sorted so we could tell them all the facts.

🙄

UnicornStarfish · 02/08/2023 12:41

The evidence is worthless legally but given he is shagging a coworker it might come in handy in the future. I'm a bitch too so I'd like to hold on to it for any future revenge. I also think that if the OP ever falters and thinks about forgiving him, one look at those texts and she'll get over it.

UnicornStarfish · 02/08/2023 12:44

@CornishGem1975 I think it's different when people are in their own home, in their own turf. The bomb exploded when the OP was abroad on holiday not during their normal everyday routine. Different circumstances, different outcomes.

Peachy2005 · 02/08/2023 12:54

It might be out of your hands anyway OP: I’d be shocked if OW’s H doesn’t report your H to the employer.

Sending a handhold: you can do this. Just be strong and don’t take the b*stard back. Concentrate on your lovely kids xx

Pontiouspilate · 02/08/2023 12:56

When we split I kept up the pretence for my 4 year old for 6 months until we knew what we were doing. There’s no way your 7 yr old should be sobbing about this, how do they know?!

Monkeylimas · 02/08/2023 12:59

Op do not tell your husband that you are going to contact the husband . If not the husband may be warned you are crazy and out for trouble. Keep your cards close to your chest. You want to trust your husband but sadly they only tell the bare minimum at this stage. He has proven he is prepared to lie to you, at this moment do not trust him he doesn’t have your best interest at heart.

And to the poster who said her husband has done nothing against his children just the op by having an affair I disagree. This chap has risked his livelihood and presumably by risking his career he has jeopardised his children’s home and security for this other woman! How on earth is that a good father? He is a poor husband, father and employee it appears.

A good father would tell his children’s mother their marriage was at risk and he was unhappy allowing them to attend marriage counselling. Sadly most only rewrite the marriage after getting butterflies and excitement from flirting with another person. They need to justify their poor choices and cognitive dissonance by blaming their spouse and marriage for their poor behaviour. He was pretending that he had only one relationship going. This is not doing the correct thing by your kids. The fall out on finding out your spouse is cheating affects everyone. It is a trauma. Relationships only fulfil 80% of someone’s needs (if you are lucky) cheaters feel 100% should be met. Most cheaters don’t share the fact they are cheating - they don’t want to upset the apple art or allow their spouse to shag someone else - they want the 100% (have their cake and eat it). How many cause this havoc to their family and then want to ‘save their marriage’.

Sorry op I hope you are okay. I take my hat off to you being able to keep silent until the kids were in bed. Take time to care for yourself and I hope you have a trusted friend with a supportive outlook whatever you do going forward.

cocksstrideintheevening · 02/08/2023 13:00

Pontiouspilate · 02/08/2023 12:56

When we split I kept up the pretence for my 4 year old for 6 months until we knew what we were doing. There’s no way your 7 yr old should be sobbing about this, how do they know?!

Kids arent stupid, they will pick up on it even if they dont know what's actually going on. Presumably on holiday there is a lot less space to get away from each other and keep it from the kids.

OP doesnt need a kicking.

Dixiechickonhols · 02/08/2023 13:00

Do what you need to survive Op until you are home.
It always strikes me on these threads that bombshell drops and man swans off and woman who is reeling has to cope with the children. Yet she’s being criticised.

HazelBite · 02/08/2023 13:00

OP take your time, to get over your betrayal, try to take your time to make your plans. As he is not "pleading" at the moment with you can assume he is keeping his options open with regards to the OW!
All I can say is what a tool!
Look after you and your DC's x

minipie · 02/08/2023 13:02

Oh quit with all the “how did you let your 7 yr old know” stuff. OP has explained, the children were supposed to be asleep in a separate room upstairs, two doors and a staircase between.

When exactly was OP supposed to discuss it with her husband? They obviously can’t go out without the DC to do so. When child is asleep is the only time. Unfortunately the child wasn’t asleep. Could happen to anyone.