Just found out H is cheating

[SensetheTone]

Long-term poster but name changed for this.

To cut a long story short - we’re on holiday with our two DC and I have just found out my husband of ten years has been cheating with a work colleague for the past three months. I had to catch him out (via messages on phone), he didn’t confess. I am all over the place, and also dealing with two very confused children, one of whom has grasped what is going on and is really upset. I don’t know what to do next and was hoping for a handhold and maybe some tips on moving forward. I don’t think I want to carry on as I can’t see how I can ever trust him again but am just overwhelmed by the idea of splitting up - we’ve been together for half of my life.

Morning lovely, you sound so much more positive, good for you. Your plans for moving forward sound great. As for Casanova, that situation will turn to shit. Trust me, seen it happen so many times. You, ll have the last laugh.

Good morning OP, it sounds like your getting your head together which is great. Some will say work through it and many can.. it does however sound like your H is being incredibly selfish thinking about himself and not owning the shi*t show he has created. This is quite common-I myself experienced much the same! They make it all about them, how stressed they've been, how they can't decide what to do. It sent me into a complete spin trying to work through it all. Then one day I realised this was all his doing.. nothing I did wrong. I refuse to share Christmas as I wasn't the one who destroyed the family 🤷🏼‍♀️ he made that choice, took that path so basically doesn't get to choose! From the get go I've made that clear. Be practical and get that moving plan in place. I was really surprised by the friends who were there to hold me up when I needed, overwhelmed by their support. Hopefully you'll have the same. Also be honest with work, again they were very supportive of me and gave me time to get my head together and more hours when I was ready. It's been a complete game changer for me, I'm financially far better off and regret nothing. You can do the same, one day at a time, it will all work out fine.

@SensetheTone what an idiot he is!

I’m not surprised to hear that the OW also has children. It seems to be a certain type of selfish, entitled person who enjoys the excitement of an affair, doesn’t think about the consequences for the rest of their family and is surprised when they don’t live happily ever after. Don’t be too surprised if he changes his mind and tries to reconcile with you within a few weeks.

Obviously, you need proper legal advice, but you have very good reasons for relocating. The courts care about is what is in the children’s best interests and you may need to be ready to prove that. When you get home you can find out what the schools are like in the new area. Do you have any other friends or family living there?

Love this, great advice x

You're being ... magnificent.

👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐👏💐

Keep your head ... He'll probably try to mess with it.

All this being strong is going to take a great toll on you - gather your team. Your family and friends will be needed, and you'll find who the true friends are. They're the gold, the ones worth your time and love, not the couple-only friends.

Have you told anyone yet? I'd agree with a lot of PPs; text or Messenger your best ones and let them know clearly and calmly that X is involved with another woman and you are separating. The more people who know the truth early the better - it will make it safer and easier for you if he ever goes to stage 3; undermining you and your character, which can unfortunately happen.

I'd also agree to ask for written messages back only - phone calls will be difficult for you, and in writing you'll have more control over what you say while under emotional stress.

And document EVERYTHING. Every conversation, every agreement and decision. Keep a journal, what he said, how he said it. Every text etc. You may need that 'paper' trail later.

All best to you - your Mumsnet army is at your back. Ignore the trolls and don't engage - not worth it.

PS - beware the script.

Stage 1 Mr Nicey - I've had second thoughts, I made a mistake, tears, apologies, promises, please forgive me, I'll do better, rekindling romance, presents, flowers - all attempts to spark limerance, the early flush that basically nature designed to get women pregnant.

When that fails because powerful tho it is, The Knowledge of what he did is right there in the way, beware Stage 2 Mr Nasty. The threats - I'll harm myself or someone else and it will be your fault. You're breaking up the family. You're depriving the children of their father.

DARVO - deny, attack, reversing victim and offender - if you hadn't xx, I'd never have ... look what you made me do.

Gaslighting - it never happened. You're making it up. It was nothing. It didn't matter.

Then stage 3 - undermining your personality, character, integrity etc to others behind your back.

You'll need your notes and journal and copies of all messages.

🫂

I'm afraid OP that many men simply think with their ego and dicks- it isn't even that they don't care about you or really want to split-- they simply think of it as 'extra curricular fun' that they will get away with- they are that arrogant- it's rarely that it's the total love of their life.

I stayed but it wasn't quite the same situation and I found out many years after that time and the other person was long gone (like9 years long gone)

It does however take something away and in my opinion it's very hard to ever feel the same about them- on reflection I would do what you are planning.

Good luck Op. I can tell by your updates you’ll be thriving on the other side of this.
I suspect she had no intention of leaving her family and his ‘cake and eat it lifestyle’ is ending against his wishes. Be prepared to stay strong and ignore his it’s your decision you are ending it lines. He ended it when he lied and cheated.
Great you’ve got supportive family, supportive boss and some legal advice lined up.

Upthread some PPs suggested that OP park the things she would like to do, but won't do, by posting them on the thread.

So OP posted she would have loved to email OW at work, then other posters told her not to do it!

Op, I am in awe of your bravery. Horrendous horrendous shock.

I echo pps. He is not your friend. Do not believe a word he says from now on. Assume he's lying and if he's ever not lying, it'll be for purely self serving purposes.

Don't be alone. Make sure you have loving, supportive family and friends around you.

And you know what? Spill your guts to them if you feel the need. Sometimes people need to know the full horror show so they knew exactly what trauma and distress you're enduring and will give you support accordingly.

What might shock you is the friends who back away. That is upsetting. I was assaulted by my stbxh and he was rampaging around, screaming abuse at me and the dcs, absolutely terrifying us all. It was recorded. And still some friends and his family naturally, have actively taken sides.

Yes, those would be factors. As long as you can show that you are moving for valid reasons (i.e. not just to make contact difficult) and have good plans for maintaining contact, you will have a decent case to be allowed to take the children with you.

I just wanted to come on and say I almost (but definitely not really) feel sorry for your H. I think he's in for a shock when he realises how angry, determined and strong he has just made you!

I listen to the Scummy Mummies podcast and one of the presenters of that, Helen Thorn, went through similar when she found a love note from her husband. Only problem was, it wasn't addressed to her.

She ended up writing a book about practical stuff, but also the story of her processing it and how life moved on to single parenthood. She's now 3 years down the line and it's really obvious listening to the podcast how much she has grown over the last 3 years. Although hard at times, she loves being a single parent and having control over her life and home again.

Her book is Get Divorced, Be Happy

It might be worth a read.

Lots of love to you OP.

Should this be ‘scrummy’ mummies @TenderDandelions ? Did make me laugh, I think I know a couple of the other type too 😂😂

Just so you know you can claim UC including help with rent while a house is sold during divorce (or he buys you out) assuming you dont have too much in savings. So one option is to rent somewhere for you and the DC and leave him in the house until it is sold. And given finding a rental on benefits in London is near impossible then a move out of London to rent would be easily explained. He may not object too much if the alternative is him paying a mortgage, rent and CM. Renting is an option to chat to your lawyer about. I can totally understand why you would just want to move away. Having supportive grandparents is probably the most helpful thing for a working single parent. And yes your dc would adapt to a new school quickly at their age. What they need is certainty about when and where they will see their dad. Do use the benefit calculator and see what you would get. My friend rented with an obstructive ex, it took away all his control and the dc quickly settled into 2 houses. He was furious she could start over without him. She still got the same share of the house when it was eventually sold but avoided all his manipulation and drama about the house and finances as she could just wait him out when he was being unreasonable.

Thanks @prh47bridge, I would be willing (reluctantly inside, but not on the outside) to maintain contact and to facilitate the maintaining of contact, and would have good reasons for moving to the specific location (grandparent support and good school), so hopefully that would help. I have a chat lined up with an acquaintance who is a great divorce lawyer on Monday - I may not be able to afford her fees for the whole process but she has very kindly agreed to make recommendations. That will give me more information about my options. I have also told the cottage owners and they are being incredibly lovely and supportive - all this for a relative stranger when my own husband has treated me so badly.

I am still feeling constantly sick and not sleeping, but making sure the children have fun and they seem to be happy and to have accepted that Daddy is at work (he spends so much time there normally - now we know why - that this is not that unusual).

I have told one friend IRL who is also being lovely.

I don’t think I would qualify for any benefits (my current PT salary is just over £80K) but I am very grateful for all the advice, tips and help as I navigate this unwelcome new world.

I'm glad you've got your friend to help in real life when you get back. Making practical preparations is good, but also making sure you have someone like your friend to lean/collapse on when needed.

You're doing brilliantly, excellent duck protocol.

I'm glad the cottage owners are being lovely. Has he confirmed he is actually picking you all up on Saturday? Have you got headphones for the plane?

It all sounds very positive. Just take your time, you don’t have to decide everything all at once.
It sounds like he’s not been very involved with parenting so may well not object to a move a couple of hours away especially if it’s financially beneficial to him.
I’d definitely make sure you have a plan for getting to airport, not rely on him.

RTFT they didn't. They thought the children were asleep with 2 closed doors and on a different floor to them.

Out of interest has he at least messaged to check children are ok?
Bombshell dropped and he’s swanned off to a hotel leaving you with 2 young children (one of which was upset) in a foreign country with no car.
I know you are fine Op and it very much sounds like the children are still having a nice time. But for all he knows you could be unable to function to care for the children - that’s not the actions of a decent dad.

I can’t believe the stupid cunt is trying to make out this is hard for him.

What a dick.

Meanwhile he’s living it up in a hotel in his own, with no childcare, free to phone and message his OW as much as he fancies. Complete prick.

Make sure everyone knows he was adulterous. I’m sure there’s an elegant way to let it get around.

Well done for telling a friend.

Focusing on the practicalities will help you wrestle back control of this very painful situation.

I think you will come out stronger.

Expect and be prepared for your husband to get nasty when he realises you are going to be ok.

Unsurprisingly, invariably cheaters haven't the generosity of nature to wish the cheatee well.

They get the hump and quickly adopt a DARVO mentality when they don't see appropriate levels of suffering.

They really are the dregs.

What an absolute cunt. I bet he's crying into his cornflakes by the weekend.

Good evening op.
Glad to see you have a good salary. Times it by four add you equity and you will get a pretty three bed. You are not penniless . I live an hour from London in a famous market town. You would get a cottage for £400k and less if you head towards the big town. Do not worry about space. Get pretty and convenient. Near your parents. Your children will need you so you can be there. Uc probably not available to you but you will have your maintaince and it's cheaper bar the council tax outside London. Two days and you will be home. I always like the expression disappointed but disgusted suits this situation better. We are here for you.

@JJ8765 out of interest - why did you presume OP would need benefits?

OP, I'm pleased to see you making practical plans, despite absolutely breaking inside. The shock will stay with you a while, I'm 18/19mos on and still reel from it all.

As other posters have said, his behaviour will change, i experienced horrific emotional/verbal assaults in the end and threats to my life. Mainly because I exposed him and he wasn't able to play the victim card and I showed everyone the man he is. By default my children also suffered as he said horrific things to them to hurt me. It was appalling behaviour.

I am now zero contact with the man I spent 15 years with and have two children. I maintain contact via ex mother. Such was the abuse, I cannot risk my emotional and mental well being by even being in contact with him.

I did use my position to keep the house. My ex lived extravagantly after our separation to impress his younger gf. He was broke and in debt and I (rightly or wrongly) used that desperation to settle on the house quickly and in my favour. Luckily we were not married.

I want you to know, that it will be ok. In those early days I was in a tail spin, not just for days but for months. Slowly but surely that emotional fog lifts, you won't notice it at first. You will see it once enough time has passed and you can look back, and you see a different woman has emerged. Much like a butterfly, it is a painful and enduring journey, but I assure you, you will be a thing of beauty once you emerge from it. You will give less fucks then you have ever given in your life. You will have less time for fools, and you will not be ashamed of the battle you have experienced. You will wear your battle scars with pride, because you know, without a shadow of a doubt, you can take what the world can throw. At the moment, the fates are testing you, you will victorious.

Visit these boards, I still do, even when I am having a wobble or when I see another tale similar to my own i can offer advice and experience.

You will become wiser. You will be less stressed in the end, because you will know what real stress is, you won't sweat the small stuff and you will face the big stuff with dignity, grace and vigour.

You will be ok.

Your 'h' well he will reap what he has sewn. There is not a love in this world I would miss a moment with my children for. He will most likely do what many do, be an EOW parent, a tick box exercise, he's not been a hands on father to date, that won't change. He may not see it immediately and you will wish that someone would grab him and tell him to stop being an arsehole and a half hearted dad. The person who will deliver that killer blow in time, will be one of his children. I know if I was on the receiving end of that, I would crumble.

He may not fully comprehend the consequences of his actions yet, but I'm sure he will.

For now, it's you and yours against the world. You will be a strong team, a triangle is a strong shape. You can do it, and even when you think you can't, you can.