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Original poster

Would you have given a 2nd chance?

138 replies

karlaka · 01/08/2023 08:57

It all began in July 2021 when we first met in person during a university group gathering. Prior to that, all our interactions were on Zoom due to the pandemic. I found him intriguing and later reached out, asking if he would like to go out for dinner sometime. He accepted the invitation, and at our first meeting, we shared our first kiss. As time passed, we had more meetings, and our relationship progressed to a sexual level. We began seeing each other around 1-2 times a week, and after three months, I felt the need to discuss the future of our relationship.
During this conversation, he expressed his desire for our journey to lead towards a committed relationship, and he reiterated this sentiment multiple times in subsequent discussions. However, by December 2021, I decided it was time to have a clear definition of our relationship status. I told him that it had to be either a genuine relationship or nothing at all. He responded by saying he wanted to be in a relationship but couldn't fully commit at that moment, without being certain why he felt hesitant. I gave him a week to think things over, and he eventually called to tell me he didn't want to lose me. So, we agreed to label our connection as a relationship, and that was the state of things as of December 2021.
Three months later, in April 2022, after nearly nine months of dating, he called me one evening to reveal that he had just ended his long-distance relationship of 500 km over the phone. He admitted that he had wanted to break up for a while but had been afraid to do so. He realized he had been leading a double life and acknowledged his selfishness in the situation. He said he was a coward and sorry for what he did to me and to his ex-girlfriend.
Through our later conversations, I learned more about his previous long-distance relationship, which lacked a fulfilling sex life and was burdened by his partner's struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Since then, we've been together and living together for over a year. Our relationship has deepened, and we've become integrated into each other's social circles, traveled together, and experienced a lot as a couple. I've never been so invested in a relationship before, and I'm currently content and happy with how things are going.
Given this background, I'm curious to know if anyone else would have given a second chance in my situation, and if so, what their reasons might have been.

OP posts:
JeandeServiette · 01/08/2023 09:52

Yes, but then eventually, he broke up with her and told me the truth. He could have not said anything. When he told me the truth, he said he knew he now has lost both of us but he had to come clean and didn't want to lie to me any longer.

Complete Prince.
How could any woman possibly aspire to better? 🙄

MrTiddlesTheCat · 01/08/2023 09:52

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:30

Yes, but then I guess you never know. Anyone can cheat and therefore have Sex with another person whilst being in a relationship with you. You can never be a 100% sure.

Show quote history

Yes anyone can cheat but this guy has shown that if it suits him he WILL cheat. And he'll lie about it and you won't spot that he's lying as the only reason you know he's a liar and a cheat is because he chose to tell you.

Shapemyeyebrows · 01/08/2023 09:53

You don’t know why he told you, too many people might have known and he could have been worried it would get back to you. I think you are concentrating too much on him telling you though rather than what he told you. I think for someone to take back a cheater there has to be an element of denial which I think you are showing here. It’s absolutely fine if you want to be with him though, it’s your life and your choice. Oh and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to confirm your relationship status by 5 months but it was also telling that you had to push for that.

JeandeServiette · 01/08/2023 09:53

Why are you asking us anyway? You gave him his second chance. You're living your word salad ever after.

Original poster
karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:55

Shapemyeyebrows · 01/08/2023 09:53

You don’t know why he told you, too many people might have known and he could have been worried it would get back to you. I think you are concentrating too much on him telling you though rather than what he told you. I think for someone to take back a cheater there has to be an element of denial which I think you are showing here. It’s absolutely fine if you want to be with him though, it’s your life and your choice. Oh and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to confirm your relationship status by 5 months but it was also telling that you had to push for that.

No actually no one knew about it. He told his best friend what he did after he broke up and we got 'back together'.

OP posts:
Original poster
karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:56

MrTiddlesTheCat · 01/08/2023 09:52

Yes anyone can cheat but this guy has shown that if it suits him he WILL cheat. And he'll lie about it and you won't spot that he's lying as the only reason you know he's a liar and a cheat is because he chose to tell you.

Show quote history

Well not quite true. I was questioning why he would sometimes go under, text me less, have friends visiting (and I was not able to meet them...) etc..

OP posts:
homeforme · 01/08/2023 09:58

No actually no one knew about it. He told his best friend what he did after he broke up and we got 'back together'.

Why do you think he told no one?

You are not special because he told you, eventually. He didn't tell his friend because he knew what he was doing was deceitful.

Original poster
karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:59

homeforme · 01/08/2023 09:58

No actually no one knew about it. He told his best friend what he did after he broke up and we got 'back together'.

Why do you think he told no one?

You are not special because he told you, eventually. He didn't tell his friend because he knew what he was doing was deceitful.

Because I've met all his friends.

OP posts:
RosesAndHellebores · 01/08/2023 10:01

It's easy to say the op shoukd exit the relationship but many women have insecurities about being alone and needing to be loved and often society constructs the notion that to be whole one needs a partner so it isn't that simple.

My mum always says a leopard doesn't change its spots and I think she's right. Also in my experience, if both parties are invested and genuinely really like each other, there is rarely a need for a debate about where things are going. I think he gave you the answer your needed early on but you persisted. He's committed now but you only have his word that he ended it. He may be available for commitment now because she ended it.

Original poster
karlaka · 01/08/2023 10:02

Shapemyeyebrows · 01/08/2023 09:53

You don’t know why he told you, too many people might have known and he could have been worried it would get back to you. I think you are concentrating too much on him telling you though rather than what he told you. I think for someone to take back a cheater there has to be an element of denial which I think you are showing here. It’s absolutely fine if you want to be with him though, it’s your life and your choice. Oh and there’s nothing wrong with wanting to confirm your relationship status by 5 months but it was also telling that you had to push for that.

He told me he was scared to tell me right from the beginning, because he knew I would stop dating him immediately. He said he knew the day would come and things would end the way they did. He said he didn't plan to break up that specific night with his ex. But they were on the phone and had one of the many discussions. Usually she would insist they can turn things around and work it out but this time he insisted on breaking up and not giving in. Then he called me and told me the truth.

OP posts:
MrTiddlesTheCat · 01/08/2023 10:03

karlaka · 01/08/2023 09:42

I'm not saying it is ok. I'm asking why he told me, if he is as evil as everyone is saying?

Show quote history

It's a form of manipulation. 'You're so lucky I picked you when I could have picked my actual girlfriend'. So you don't question his behaviour going forward because you know you 'won'.

Greengrassohla · 01/08/2023 10:04

Have you used AI to generate your initial OP?

GreyCarpet · 01/08/2023 10:04

Ultimately, OP, you were his 'bit on the side', the other woman, for 9 months. You didn't know it. Throughout all these conversations, all the affection, all the laughter, all the fun, all the sex, he was with someone else. He didn't care enough about ding the right thing, her feelings or your feelings to be honest. He had a total lack of respect for you. A total lack of respect for her.

I would.also ask what he has learned.

He has learned that you don't have very strong boundaries - that he only needs to use the right combination of words and you will believe him; accept what he says without too much fuss or too many questions.

If he'd been honest and upfront with you from the start and asked you to give him a week to end things with her and tie up.loose ends from his side, I think your friends amd family would feel differently. Relationships often end mentally and emotionally whilst still continuing practically and physically - setikes for many years. It sometimes takes something more tangible to end it before doing so properly. He didn't do that. He lied to both of ypu amd carried it on for months whilst he decided who he liked best, who he thought it would work out with best.

Original poster
karlaka · 01/08/2023 10:05

RosesAndHellebores · 01/08/2023 10:01

It's easy to say the op shoukd exit the relationship but many women have insecurities about being alone and needing to be loved and often society constructs the notion that to be whole one needs a partner so it isn't that simple.

My mum always says a leopard doesn't change its spots and I think she's right. Also in my experience, if both parties are invested and genuinely really like each other, there is rarely a need for a debate about where things are going. I think he gave you the answer your needed early on but you persisted. He's committed now but you only have his word that he ended it. He may be available for commitment now because she ended it.

I'm pretty sure he ended it. Why I believe that is the following situation. She was still logged into his Uber account. On his birthday we headed to the airport. She got a ping from Uber. Obviously she assumed he was with a girl, on his way to the airport to go on vacation for his birthday.
She sent him a message saying: You're the worst!!! And basically telling him how he can already be with another girl after only 4 months after the break up. I don't think she would have texted him, if she broke up, wdyt?

OP posts:
JeandeServiette · 01/08/2023 10:05

Greengrassohla · 01/08/2023 10:04

Have you used AI to generate your initial OP?

I wondered that too.

GreyCarpet · 01/08/2023 10:06

karlaka · 01/08/2023 10:02

He told me he was scared to tell me right from the beginning, because he knew I would stop dating him immediately. He said he knew the day would come and things would end the way they did. He said he didn't plan to break up that specific night with his ex. But they were on the phone and had one of the many discussions. Usually she would insist they can turn things around and work it out but this time he insisted on breaking up and not giving in. Then he called me and told me the truth.

Show quote history

Wellnther you go. He was thinking about himself and not about you or her. He's selfish and not to be trusted. A man who will do the easy thing rather than the right thing.

JeandeServiette · 01/08/2023 10:06

It's easy to say the op shoukd exit the relationship but many women have insecurities about being alone and needing to be loved and often society constructs the notion that to be whole one needs a partner so it isn't that simple.

She can do whatever she likes, and clearly is. But l pointing out that having standards is better is helpful rather than "easy".

Original poster
karlaka · 01/08/2023 10:08

MrTiddlesTheCat · 01/08/2023 10:03

It's a form of manipulation. 'You're so lucky I picked you when I could have picked my actual girlfriend'. So you don't question his behaviour going forward because you know you 'won'.

Show quote history

He didn't pick me. He said it's over with us when he told me.

OP posts:
homeforme · 01/08/2023 10:09

He didn't pick me. He said it's over with us when he told me.

Yet there you are, in a relationship.

Think about it. He did pick you.

Original poster
karlaka · 01/08/2023 10:10

homeforme · 01/08/2023 10:09

He didn't pick me. He said it's over with us when he told me.

Yet there you are, in a relationship.

Think about it. He did pick you.

He must have expected I would leave him immediately - I don't think you can call that picking.

OP posts:
homeforme · 01/08/2023 10:11

He told me he was scared to tell me right from the beginning, because he knew I would stop dating him immediately. He said he knew the day would come and things would end the way they did

They all say that.

Are you really this naive?

homeforme · 01/08/2023 10:12

He must have expected I would leave him immediately - I don't think you can call that picking.

No he never. He was hopeful to get away with it and he did.

I'm don't know why you bothered posting this because all you are doing is arguing with any sane person who tells it like it is.

Shapemyeyebrows · 01/08/2023 10:13

@karlaka so his best friend didn’t know he was in a long distance relationship? 🤔 I am really sorry but I think he’s got you hook line and sinker here, and the things you are saying make it sound like you will swallow what he says. I know you so badly want to believe he’s a good guy but he’s really not. He said he was so scared to tell you in the beginning because he knew it would stop. Do you not see how messed up that is? At that point he was in a relationship with someone else. He actively didn’t tell you so he could remain with his girlfriend and have you local whisky lying to you both. He was only thinking of himself. And then he continued this for months and months and slept with her whilst also sleeping with you.

GreyCarpet · 01/08/2023 10:14

karlaka · 01/08/2023 10:08

He didn't pick me. He said it's over with us when he told me.

Show quote history

That was manipulative.

It's a human drive when someone appears ro he distressed to reassure them.

An analogy.

A friend tries on a dress. She doesn't look good in it. She asks how she looks. You tell her that it's a nice dress but doesn't suit her. You don't want your friend to wear setting other people thinking badly of her.

Same friend tries on the same dress. She moans to you about the weight she's put on, or bemoans the fact nothing ever suits her. She tells you she looks awful and that she never looks nice in anything. Your far more likely to reassure her and tell her it looks lovely because you don't want to further add to that distress.

Not a great analogy but I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

Saschka · 01/08/2023 10:14

karlaka · 01/08/2023 10:05

I'm pretty sure he ended it. Why I believe that is the following situation. She was still logged into his Uber account. On his birthday we headed to the airport. She got a ping from Uber. Obviously she assumed he was with a girl, on his way to the airport to go on vacation for his birthday.
She sent him a message saying: You're the worst!!! And basically telling him how he can already be with another girl after only 4 months after the break up. I don't think she would have texted him, if she broke up, wdyt?

Show quote history

So, he didn’t tell her he’d been cheating on her for the past year when he dumped her?

Look OP, you are in a relationship with him, you are either happy and trust him or you aren’t and don’t. People happy and secure in their long term relationship do not generally post to MN about it though.