Would you have given a 2nd chance?

[karlaka]

It all began in July 2021 when we first met in person during a university group gathering. Prior to that, all our interactions were on Zoom due to the pandemic. I found him intriguing and later reached out, asking if he would like to go out for dinner sometime. He accepted the invitation, and at our first meeting, we shared our first kiss. As time passed, we had more meetings, and our relationship progressed to a sexual level. We began seeing each other around 1-2 times a week, and after three months, I felt the need to discuss the future of our relationship.
During this conversation, he expressed his desire for our journey to lead towards a committed relationship, and he reiterated this sentiment multiple times in subsequent discussions. However, by December 2021, I decided it was time to have a clear definition of our relationship status. I told him that it had to be either a genuine relationship or nothing at all. He responded by saying he wanted to be in a relationship but couldn't fully commit at that moment, without being certain why he felt hesitant. I gave him a week to think things over, and he eventually called to tell me he didn't want to lose me. So, we agreed to label our connection as a relationship, and that was the state of things as of December 2021.
Three months later, in April 2022, after nearly nine months of dating, he called me one evening to reveal that he had just ended his long-distance relationship of 500 km over the phone. He admitted that he had wanted to break up for a while but had been afraid to do so. He realized he had been leading a double life and acknowledged his selfishness in the situation. He said he was a coward and sorry for what he did to me and to his ex-girlfriend.
Through our later conversations, I learned more about his previous long-distance relationship, which lacked a fulfilling sex life and was burdened by his partner's struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Since then, we've been together and living together for over a year. Our relationship has deepened, and we've become integrated into each other's social circles, traveled together, and experienced a lot as a couple. I've never been so invested in a relationship before, and I'm currently content and happy with how things are going.
Given this background, I'm curious to know if anyone else would have given a second chance in my situation, and if so, what their reasons might have been.

You're happy in you relationship, and yet you're posting about it looking for validation from strangers. You're deluding yourself.

She wasn't at fault and he didn't end things. He was open to being convinced.

Dumping goes something like 'I'm sorry Jane but I can't see you any more'. 'But Dave, we can make it work, I love you!' 'I'm sorry Jane but my mind is made up. All the best'.

I'm happy with what we have. I'm still sad at times about what used to be

I am not seeing any red flags as I used to in the past.

I bet his actual partner didn't see them either.

Yeah it feels that way, just generating a circular discussion to keep the chat going. Plus all the strange psychobabble about journeys etc. It's quite interesting

All relationships are a gamble. If you have children together the stakes are very high because ending up on the breadline is a real risk. So you try and find a good, honest, faithful man with integrity and hope your judgement was correct.

If you know he’s a liar and a cheat before it’s hardly begun it’s the equivalent of backing a lame horse in the race.

When he told me the truth, he said he knew he now has lost both of us but he had to come clean and didn't want to lie to me any longer.

This would irk me. He was cheating on his relationship (whatever the arrangement), jettisoned that one and then put it in exactly the same compartment by saying that he'd 'lost you both'. No. He didn't - he dropped her and he thinks of you in the same cavalier way.

What you do know is that he is quite good at deceit. Whether he is capable of change, who knows? Are you up for being his test case?

What else was he supposed to think? I don't think he thought I would take him back. He was also not fighting for our relationship when he told me the truth that night. He said he has made some huge mistakes and he needs to process everything first and make sure he's not going to repeat this ever again. He was not asking or begging me to forgive

Circumstances change people don't usually, as people get older less attractive or lose a high paying job they find it harder to cheat plus if you live with or close to a partner your opportunity becomes less the risk becomes higher so it might not be a case of loving someone too much to cheat but loving your comfortable lifestyle too much to cheat

If the opportunity presented itself a past cheater would most probably cheat

Well he sounds like a prize cheats on you then gets to dangle you around while he navel gazes

Nope

He's lumped you into the same category, OP. Does that make you feel special? It wouldn't me. He is capable of lying and being deceitful - what is the point of that in a long-distance relationship where nobody would have been any the wiser? He could have ended that very easily before starting up with you.

Do you think that he will be different with you because he is on a shorter lead? That's no relationship that I would choose.

You sound as if you've made your mind up. I don't know why you posted the thread because you're within your rights to do exactly as you choose. I think you know deep down which is why you posted. I hope it helps you.

I don’t believe once a cheat always a cheat but I think it tends to be a new person they change for, not someone they have already lied to and cheated on.

Interesting point, Shape. I hadn’t thought of that before, but I think it’s accurate.

I too think that's an excellent point and probably very accurate.

If you have a brand new relationship, you have a blank canvas to work with. Both parties can make of it what they want without the baggage of lying/deceit. On that basis, somebody who was a liar/cheat, can throw off that behaviour as the new partner never knew it/saw it anyway, they were no part of it.

Sorry OP, but this is not the situation that you are in. There is no blank canvas there, not with him.

Some can but most don't.

Fundamental lavkmpg integrity is not usually something that changes.

9 months is a long time to cheat and lie.

I don't think he's trustworthy.

*fundamental lavk.of integrity.

I'm just asking who would have given him a second chance.

What was the result?

but you are 100% sure that he would and he did cheat on you

you can meet someone else and have 50/50 chance they will be a decent person or stay with someone who is 100% a cheater

Or you can hope people change, because you've seen them change

@karlaka You made the choice to go back to him and that’s fair enough, it’s your life. But you won’t find many people telling you it’s the right thing to take a cheater back especially one who did it for such a long period when you should have been in the honeymoon period. And don’t forget he didn’t just lie to you during those 9 months he also lied to his ex girlfriend. It takes something to be able to consistently lie to not just one but two people you supposedly care about.

Is the OP still wanging on?
This is a thread of nothingness.

Again, so why are you asking?

You've made your decision. You're either comfortable with it or not. But countering everyone else's comments with a defence of him seems pointless.

i was just hoping someone would have been in a similar situation and would be able to provide their view on things as well. I know that objectively speaking, people must think I'm mad for giving him the second chance. But you cannot really judge from the outside someone you don't know

No. He showed himself to be a practised and convincing liar over a long period. I could never trust him after that.

I somehow must admit that I knew that he was not being honest and I called that out a couple times. He always tried to give answers that were not straight forward, which seemed weird and not like his usual way to communicate