Would you have given a 2nd chance?

[karlaka]

It all began in July 2021 when we first met in person during a university group gathering. Prior to that, all our interactions were on Zoom due to the pandemic. I found him intriguing and later reached out, asking if he would like to go out for dinner sometime. He accepted the invitation, and at our first meeting, we shared our first kiss. As time passed, we had more meetings, and our relationship progressed to a sexual level. We began seeing each other around 1-2 times a week, and after three months, I felt the need to discuss the future of our relationship.
During this conversation, he expressed his desire for our journey to lead towards a committed relationship, and he reiterated this sentiment multiple times in subsequent discussions. However, by December 2021, I decided it was time to have a clear definition of our relationship status. I told him that it had to be either a genuine relationship or nothing at all. He responded by saying he wanted to be in a relationship but couldn't fully commit at that moment, without being certain why he felt hesitant. I gave him a week to think things over, and he eventually called to tell me he didn't want to lose me. So, we agreed to label our connection as a relationship, and that was the state of things as of December 2021.
Three months later, in April 2022, after nearly nine months of dating, he called me one evening to reveal that he had just ended his long-distance relationship of 500 km over the phone. He admitted that he had wanted to break up for a while but had been afraid to do so. He realized he had been leading a double life and acknowledged his selfishness in the situation. He said he was a coward and sorry for what he did to me and to his ex-girlfriend.
Through our later conversations, I learned more about his previous long-distance relationship, which lacked a fulfilling sex life and was burdened by his partner's struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Since then, we've been together and living together for over a year. Our relationship has deepened, and we've become integrated into each other's social circles, traveled together, and experienced a lot as a couple. I've never been so invested in a relationship before, and I'm currently content and happy with how things are going.
Given this background, I'm curious to know if anyone else would have given a second chance in my situation, and if so, what their reasons might have been.

No his best friend knew about his long distance GF. He did not know about us. My boyfriend only properly told his best friends when he ended things with his ex. He said he was acting selfish and he said it was all his fault. And I agree with that.

He said he would tell her the night he told me. I advised him not to do so. It would have hurt her as much as it hurt me

He's doing a very good job of convincing you he's a decent man in all of this.

A decent man wouldn't have done it in the first place. That's the bottom line.

All the to-ing and fro-ing about what his friends knew etc is irrelevant really.

I thought exactly the same!!!

So had he already dumped her when he told you, or not? Sounds like not, if he was planning to tell her later? And presumably if you’d dumped him, he would have just carried on seeing her as a backup…

You know, it is pretty easy to get ChatGPT to contradict itself. Just saying.

He had dumped her but not because he was seeing me and cheating. He finally told her he was not happy with the relationship - which he had told her before but every time she convinced him.

OP you sound over-therapised - full of self indulgent babble but utterly clueless.

The guy cheated on you and his other girlfriend. You think he’s ultimately a good bloke because he told you he was a cheat - wtf??!! Even though that is sad and odd view, it’s also wrong. He clearly didn’t tell the other woman based on your subsequent post so he remains dishonest to her. Yet you feel he isn’t a manipulator??!

Bottom line, he's a cheat and liar. That's a 100% verifiable fact. People don't change the fundamental core of who they are. You're fine with that, so crack on and enjoy your relationship while it lasts. Hopefully he won't bump into someone he likes more.

🤣

@karlaka so you were the secret then. I think he has done a very good job in manipulating you here and it’s one thing to take someone back whilst still having your head screwed on but you seem focused on justifying his behaviour and making excuses for him.

No I don't think he's a good guy, because he told me. I think I've seen many examples of him acting good - being there for me when I needed me and supporting me in tough times.

You have no idea about these conversations because you were not there. You only have his version of events.

There's no way the OP wrote that opening post. Perhaps the lying cheating boyfriend did.😂

This. Your posts are full of what “he said”, and who “he told” when you have no real idea what he did or didn’t say to anyone. You already know that he says things that aren’t true and that he lies to people, because he lied to you and he lied to his then-girlfriend for months. Why are you so convinced that the version of events he gives and what he says he told his friends about the whole situation aren’t just more lies?

Yes it is on him. I'm not saying it't not and neither is he saying that.

Out of interest, what do you think would happen if you said to your boyfriend “I’ve got something to tell you. I was also sleeping with somebody else for the first year of our relationship. I didn’t want to hurt either of you by breaking up with one of you so I just kept it quiet and dated both of you.”?

Do you think he’d be on some forum somewhere justifying your reasons defending your behaviour and talking about what a good woman you were for admitting it to him eventually?

I don’t. I think he’d break up with you quicker than you could say the word “cheat.”

I am not saying he's a good person for telling me the truth later. I'm also not justifying by any means what he did. I'm saying I am happy with him in the relationship we have and I am not seeing any red flags as I used to in the past.

It's not her bad. He never said it was.

So what are you hoping to get from this thread?

Because I'm increasingly inclined to believe its a chat AI thread too. Pointless circling.

I'm just asking who would have given him a second chance.

No thank you. I like certainty and integrity from the start.

I don't believe there has been any particular change or reflection, just a lot of obfuscation and excuses made.

For instance, the LDR was lacking sex yet they had sex at least once whilst you were purportedly exclusive.

I would be fairly confident that he may well have his head turned again and think nothing of pursuing the person.

I fully understand a long distance relationship fizzling out and a new interest being the catalyst for that but that isn't what happened. He lied repeatedly through omission and commission to you and to his ex for as long as it took him to make up his mind.

I also assumed you were young students but in a 30 year old I would want a far sturdier and more straightforward relationship with the truth and other people's feelings.

If you are happy in your relationship then ok but I think you would be extremely unwise to shrug and overlook the lengths he has gone to to serve his own wishes.

If this is just a pleasant fling and someone to share with at university then fine but I would think very carefully, beyond your current happiness at being 'chosen' and having a partner, if considering longer term such as marriage or children. This is not a man you can trust. You may think that is due to weakness, cowardice or passivity. Think again. He made some very active decisions to cheat and hide two women from each other.

We get that. People are simply wondering why you’re asking, when the decision has been made — would it make a difference if literally everyone thought you were mad?

Yeah - it would make a diffrence for me