Would you have given a 2nd chance?

[karlaka]

It all began in July 2021 when we first met in person during a university group gathering. Prior to that, all our interactions were on Zoom due to the pandemic. I found him intriguing and later reached out, asking if he would like to go out for dinner sometime. He accepted the invitation, and at our first meeting, we shared our first kiss. As time passed, we had more meetings, and our relationship progressed to a sexual level. We began seeing each other around 1-2 times a week, and after three months, I felt the need to discuss the future of our relationship.
During this conversation, he expressed his desire for our journey to lead towards a committed relationship, and he reiterated this sentiment multiple times in subsequent discussions. However, by December 2021, I decided it was time to have a clear definition of our relationship status. I told him that it had to be either a genuine relationship or nothing at all. He responded by saying he wanted to be in a relationship but couldn't fully commit at that moment, without being certain why he felt hesitant. I gave him a week to think things over, and he eventually called to tell me he didn't want to lose me. So, we agreed to label our connection as a relationship, and that was the state of things as of December 2021.
Three months later, in April 2022, after nearly nine months of dating, he called me one evening to reveal that he had just ended his long-distance relationship of 500 km over the phone. He admitted that he had wanted to break up for a while but had been afraid to do so. He realized he had been leading a double life and acknowledged his selfishness in the situation. He said he was a coward and sorry for what he did to me and to his ex-girlfriend.
Through our later conversations, I learned more about his previous long-distance relationship, which lacked a fulfilling sex life and was burdened by his partner's struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Since then, we've been together and living together for over a year. Our relationship has deepened, and we've become integrated into each other's social circles, traveled together, and experienced a lot as a couple. I've never been so invested in a relationship before, and I'm currently content and happy with how things are going.
Given this background, I'm curious to know if anyone else would have given a second chance in my situation, and if so, what their reasons might have been.

I don't think there's anything wrong with that!

Presumably a person knows what sort of relationship they are looking for - what level of commitment/exclusivity.

No ones asking for marriage at that stage but if one person is hoping to eventually settle down, co-habit, marry and have a family (whether or not the current person turns out to be the right person for that or not) and the other person is absolutely not looking for that, then it makes sense to both be clear about where they stand.

I've never read an OP that sounds more like it was written by an AI bot.

I'm not saying it is ok. I'm asking why he told me, if he is as evil as everyone is saying?

I posed the ultimatum after 5 months of dating, which I think, is fair.

You think that's a normal thing to do?

If you need to give them an ultimatum after 5 months you should be leaning away. You sound so bloody desperate in every aspect of this relationship.

Not sure what you're looking for here OP.

You've asked for people's opinions and are now arguing them?

He has a serious lack of integrity. That's the bottom line here.

I'm not saying it is ok. I'm asking why he told me, if he is as evil as everyone is saying?

Forget about him telling you. What he did is the main thing to focus on.

However he told you to ease his conscious, see what he could get away with and make you feel he is a good one because he told you. It worked.

But you can be 100% sure your boyfriend is one of the men that has no problem cheating or having sex with two people about it and lying for 9 months.

I think people can learn from their mistakes too.

I decided to give a man a second chance after he lied to me like this. It was fine for a while, but unfortunately he did do the same again. I think that cheating is one of those things that once you've crossed that moral line, it makes it so much easier to do it again.

He has shown you what he's capable of.

Absolutely not, he lied for 9 months, cheated on his mentally ill ex for 9 months, strung both you and his mentally ill ex along for 9 months while he tried to choose between the two of you. Think how many individual times he had to lie to you to pull that off.

No. I would laugh him away from me. I have more self respect than to date a sub-standard man. I expect respect, decency and integrity from my life partner and he lacks all three. So no, there would be no second chance from me.

No he knew it was over when he told me. He said he has now lost both of us but he could no longer look at himself in the mirror.

And what did he learn here? He learned that he can lie and cheat on you for nine months and you'll accept it.

Forewarned is fair warned. You've been warned.

What did the guy lie to you about>

No he knew it was over when he told me. He said he has now lost both of us but he could no longer look at himself in the mirror.

It wasn't over though.

Of course he said that. They all say that.

He lied to you for months.

He took time off from you and then come back with some bullshit story about not wanting to lose you... let's face facts he was probably with his other girlfriend that week.

He sounds like lovely!

Do you trust him?

I agree with @ComtesseDeSpair about the pseudoemotional therapy-speak ‘journey’ lingo being too much. I also wonder why you’re asking, given that you made the decision that you did?

Are you both very young, with the references to studying?

I'd have to question what this man has actually learned here, because to me it looks like the lesson is 'I can get away with lying and being unfaithful to Karkala for an extended period, and she will forgive me'.

I'm not saying he will do this again - he may well have realised his behaviour was awful, and have decided to never do it in future. But your question was 'Would you have given a second chance?' and honestly, no I wouldn't.

I'm not saying it is ok. I'm asking why he told me, if he is as evil as everyone is saying?

My ex did this too, and I think he genuinely did think that he was going to be able to be faithful to me and he wanted to start with a clean slate, wanted to be honest. People don't usually start out with the intention of being unfair or unkind. The baddies never think that they're bad.

No, we're 30.

OK. Well at 9 months I'd say that you should listen to those flashback feelings.

No relationship is perfect and everyone can be wonderful.

But this is the sort of thing that will always crop up and always eat away at you.

IME, things at this level (to do with integrity, trust, honesty etc) that you feel you might be able to overlook in the beginning only become more significant as the relationship progresses and the commitment increases.

If you settle down with him, you may have children, other life stuff to deal with. It'll be during those moments of vulnerability, where you need support, when your mind will drift back to this. You'll wonder how he could have done it to her; could he do it to you; maybe feel angry he co-opted you into that betrayal without your knowledge.

Those are the things I'd be considering, not whether it feels like a big deal right now. IME these things get bigger. They don't go away with time.

I'd say if your family and friends; those closest to you are concerned - listen to them.

FWIW, I would probably have given a second chance in my early 20s before I realised all of the above and when i still felt exciting and invincible. Now, in my 40s, not a chance. And I'd be concerned if either of my children (24 and 17) found themselves in your position too.

OP, I don’t know how old you are and I’m not particular fan of the somewhat patronising “you sound very young” approach: but honestly, once you’ve been around the block a bit you’ve heard men like this pull this schtick over and over - with you, with your friends, all over the shop - and you learn to roll your eyes at it. They all say the same thing: they were tormented and confused and afraid and didn’t want to hurt anyone. Poor me. So they cheated instead. They try to butter you up a bit with elaborate words and to make you feel special for being the woman they picked over the other. They’re still just fancy-talking cheats. You aren’t star-crossed lovers destined to be together because you overcame struggles and he was brave enough to pick you. You’re just in a relationship with an ordinary common or garden man who’s capable of long term cheating and lying. He might change. The relationship might work out. Who knows. But keep your eyes open and stop dressing things up (and letting him dress them up) as anything different.

Same kind of situation as you. He was with someone, I thought she was an ex.

What did your ex do? How long did your relationship last after you gave him a second chance?