Would you have given a 2nd chance?

[karlaka]

It all began in July 2021 when we first met in person during a university group gathering. Prior to that, all our interactions were on Zoom due to the pandemic. I found him intriguing and later reached out, asking if he would like to go out for dinner sometime. He accepted the invitation, and at our first meeting, we shared our first kiss. As time passed, we had more meetings, and our relationship progressed to a sexual level. We began seeing each other around 1-2 times a week, and after three months, I felt the need to discuss the future of our relationship.
During this conversation, he expressed his desire for our journey to lead towards a committed relationship, and he reiterated this sentiment multiple times in subsequent discussions. However, by December 2021, I decided it was time to have a clear definition of our relationship status. I told him that it had to be either a genuine relationship or nothing at all. He responded by saying he wanted to be in a relationship but couldn't fully commit at that moment, without being certain why he felt hesitant. I gave him a week to think things over, and he eventually called to tell me he didn't want to lose me. So, we agreed to label our connection as a relationship, and that was the state of things as of December 2021.
Three months later, in April 2022, after nearly nine months of dating, he called me one evening to reveal that he had just ended his long-distance relationship of 500 km over the phone. He admitted that he had wanted to break up for a while but had been afraid to do so. He realized he had been leading a double life and acknowledged his selfishness in the situation. He said he was a coward and sorry for what he did to me and to his ex-girlfriend.
Through our later conversations, I learned more about his previous long-distance relationship, which lacked a fulfilling sex life and was burdened by his partner's struggles with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
Since then, we've been together and living together for over a year. Our relationship has deepened, and we've become integrated into each other's social circles, traveled together, and experienced a lot as a couple. I've never been so invested in a relationship before, and I'm currently content and happy with how things are going.
Given this background, I'm curious to know if anyone else would have given a second chance in my situation, and if so, what their reasons might have been.

You think you know him? You're deluded.

Good luck to you, I hope you have good friends around you to prop you up when he breaks your heart.

I wouldn't have forgiven that, no. He's a cheat and a liar and the long distance nature of the other relationship doesn't negate that (for me). It just confirms that he's got a shitty moral code tbh

Very very unlikely to change. Someone who starts another relationship before they leave their current one, is likely to always do the same.

I’m very much of the opinion “once a cheater always a cheater”.

I wouldn’t have. I met ex when we were 18, through a mutual friend. He had a girlfriend at the time but mutual friend and ex both (separately) said the relationship was cooling off and they had nothing in common. Ex took months to split up with his girlfriend after we started dating despite me bugging him to sort it out. With hindsight, that should have been a massive red flag but I was young and stupid. Anyway, he cheated on me when we were married, he got together with OW and cheated on her too. Leopards don’t change their spots so don’t be surprised if your DP repeats his behaviour.

i was just hoping someone would have been in a similar situation and would be able to provide their view on things as well. I know that objectively speaking, people must think I'm mad for giving him the second chance.

But you cannot really judge from the outside someone you don't know

Of course you can. We know what he did so we can judge him for that. Other factors like 'he is nice' are not relevant. It doesn't matter if he presents to you as the nicest man on the surface of the earth, that fact is he lied and that does not change.

It doesn't really matter how many people have given a second chance in this scenario. Different people respond in different ways amd make doesn't choices going forward.

What's can tell you (from my own experience and the experience ofany others I've read over countless years on here) forgiving lies, an early betrayal, an 'ill considered' comment etc rarely ends well.

How many posters have replied saying they'd be fine with it? How many have expressed concerns? How many of your friends/family have also expressed concerns?

Maybe he has seen the error of his ways and would never do similar again. Maybe he's a seasoned liar and this was only the tip of the iceberg. Who knows. Only you can tell if you're willing to take that risk.

But no one here will be able to give you a definitive answer because there isn't one. Yes, anyone can cheat. But if you go into a relationship with someone you know already has...

I too am struggling with your oddly formal and verbose style of posting. It’s almost like a blog or article in style …or is it AI?

He must have expected I would leave him immediately - I don't think you can call that picking
What do you think it showed him that you chased him at the beginning, was the one to ask where things were going and stayed once he told you the truth? What do you think he has learned about you? I think he will have learned that no matter what, you will cling on to him. It might be ok right now, after a year, but it will not stay this way. You have shown him what you will tolerate and even if he is the nicest guy in the world, its human nature to take the piss out of that. He has all the power. You handed it over to him willingly.
I wouldnt have even got to the point where you asked him where it was going. If you have to ask then there's games being played. I dont have time for any of that.

@karlaka when I was a.student (fifty years ago) I met a man who had come up from England to get his.degree. From the start it was an amazing relationship. I got dizzy just thinking about him and he was attentive and
very romantic.y mum used to complain she couldn't get near the phone because he was always on it chatting about our future. All that.
One day we went to Loch Lomond for the day and were to come back and join a party his flatmates were throwing.
When we arrived at the flat, one of his friends opened the door and grabbed my hand saying there was something I had to see in the kitchen while another friend dragged him into the living room to get a drink.
Of course I knew there was something wrong at once and escaped and followed him into the living room. He was pushing a girl away, a very pregnant girl. She fell to the floor and hung onto his legs.
As it turned out,she had come north unexpectedly because she knew there was something wrong because he was so out of touch. She hadn t even get a phone call for a whole term.l left the party without a word which he complained about to his friends and they relayed to me: I hadn't even given him a chance to explain himself. How do you explain making a fool of me and dumping a girl and baby so coldly?
I never did listen to his explanations and I would strongly devise any woman not to listen to excuses and lies. Clean break and walk away. That's how you keep self respect and avoid future unhappiness.

a lot of people were in the same position and this entire forum is filled with people who were hoping that cheating would not repeat and then it did

hoping someone else will change is pointless - especially when your forgiveness reinforces the idea that they dont have to change

This is such a strange post. What do you want people to say?

He has obviously been confused and didn't mean to lie and cheat on you. His head was a mess. Im glad he told you in the end. It shows he has integrity and he's prob learnt his lesson I doubt he'll cheat on you in future. Good luck