What do I do about a friend who is never free to meet and then cancels?

[ThePiglet]

She's supposedly one of my closest friends, and I hers. I've seen her ONCE in the last year (tickets to something she wanted to see with other people). She is never free, and when we do have plans she cancels at the last minute. She cancelled an outing for a Wednesday evening on the Monday (my birthday - and she didn't even remember) on the basis that I hadn't got back to her about the restaurant I was booking (it's London so there would be lots of last-minute options available if you aren't fixed on area and don't mind a chain if other things aren't fee) and she'd just been offered work for that evening. She cancelled the re-arranged plans for yesterday in the morning because her husband was supposedly ill.

I feel horribly hurt. If these were one-off incidents, I'd accept it, but she has form for this over a long period of time. She didn't show up to my thirtieth (cancelled on the day) because she was "tired". Another time I was having money worries and asked if we could go for a walk rather than doing something expensive, and she tried to cancel - I pulled her up on and she said that she thought I'd wanted to cancel when I proposed the walk (WTF?) and agreed to go for coffee instead. Another time, when my relationship was in difficulties and I desperately wanted to talk about it, she suggested we go to an event with booked tickets (afternoon) and just before I left the house to go to it sent me a message saying she wouldn't be socialising after as she wanted to go off with her boyfriend (now husband). There are other incidents, but no-one wants to read the full history of a long friendship!

She often talks about what a good and loyal friend I am when we meet up. But I don't feel that she values me.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to lose the friendship, but I'm also sick of devoting so much time and mental energy to trying to find a slot in her diary and then being cancelled on. I haven't told her how hurt I am about the last two incidents - I'm not even sure it's reasonable for me to be hurt. But I can't shake the impression that I'm just not someone she considers that she has to make time for. She has one child, local family and works part time. I have one child, work more than full time hours and am having medical treatment (which she knows about) but I've made myself available because my friend matters to me! I haven't pulled her up on the most recent incidents - maybe I should, but I don't want to the person who says that someone should turn down work for me or that I don't believe that her husband is ill. (But I am self-employed, and both times when she's cancelled it's after I've juggled/stuck kid in front of telly/turned work down to make sure that we can meet up.)

Just put the ball completely in her court . Say, let me know when you want to meet up and when you've booked something. Do not book anything . Friendships sadly can run their course like romantic relationships. This has happened to me you just suddenly notice your the one doing all the leg work . I think good friendships are hard to find which is why we try to hold on . But clearly state you will only meet up for something she has organised and chosen.

Stop being a doormat OP she's just keeping you 'sweet ' in case she ever needs your help.
The friendship is over from her side.

Stop arranging to meet up. Let her contact you if she wants to. Find other things do.

Yeah this.

I have a friend who frequently cancels last minute, often for no better reason than “just need pjs and sofa this eve”. Yet she always has the energy for her sports. I don’t arrange stuff with just her, I will see her with a group as that way when she cancels I’m not left high and dry.

Another old friend cancels or said “let me get back to you” re dates and then never does, I am taking the hint and won’t bother any more.

If someone keeps hurting you, protect yourself, stop putting yourself in the position to be hurt. You can’t change them, you can only change what you do.

Ah, in that case, be clear about how she's cancelled several times now, and that it's disruptive to you. I think you can do it politely if it's confrontation you don't want. Something like, "Okay, but you've cancelled the last few times, so how about you choose the time and place so that you can be sure you'll be able to make it next time?"

I had a friend like this. It's not good enough. Yes, so she phones you first, she probably fully intends to see you until...she can't be arsed? a better offer presents itself? If she really liked you, she wouldn't keep letting you down, that's about the size of it.

Had a friend like this. I just let them drift away.
Its not easy especially when you have a lot of history with someone.

It shouldn’t be this much hard work, stress or angst.
If you met a new person/friend you wouldn’t let them treat you like this, why let anyone else treat you like this.

Your time is as valuable as anyone else’s. Could be argued it’s the most valuable thing you have.

With my friend I gave them one final chance, they never turned up and left me sitting in the pub for hours. That was 8 years ago, never bothered with them again.
Ended up regretting ever wasting any time on them.

Again, it shouldn’t be this stressful. People will make time for you if they want.

I would wait and see what happens re this.

It is hard to realise that what is an important friendship for you is way down on the list of the other person's priorities. It's happened to me, I took a huge step back.

I would just leave her to it
if she does - by some remote chance - actually invite you to a lunch she’s booked then I would be tempted to just not reply.
if she chased you for a response then simply say on the basis of her cancelling every single meet up at the last moment and often for spurious reasons you won’t be accepting. Wish her well but just say you find it hurtful and have had enough.

if there is anything more to why this is happening then that would be the time for her to tell you.
friends do not treat you this way.

Could it be anxiety? I’d raise it with her. “I’ve noticed that over the past year that every time we are due to catch up you cancel at the last minute. Is there something going on with you that you would like to talk about”. See what comes of that. If you don’t get an answer that makes sense I would decline any future invitations from her.

One person can’t keep a friendship going on their own. If she doesn’t have a reason for doing this or doesn’t change her ways then you know the friendship is over.

I wouldn’t even reply when she cancels in four weeks time tbh.

I'd be dropping the flaky little shit like a hot brick.

You can't see this for what it is, do you have self worth issues?

errr....yes, obviously: I'm asking strangers advice about a friendship and I don't even know if I'm being reasonable for being hurt

She doesn’t care and isn’t a friend. This is one sided and it sounds like she is using you until something better happens.
Stop chasing her and look around for people who want to be your friend. They are out there.

It's not a friendship if you're scared of upsetting her.

Do not make any more arrangements to meet up with her unless you enjoy being dangled on a string.

I expect there is a reason as to why she hasn't just dropped and blocked you and continues to stay in vague contact. It will most likely be something in her favour of telling other people that you're her friend.

She doesn't like you. Swallow that unfortunate fact and make time for friends who are interested and like you.

There isn't really a friendship left to lose. Leave the ball completely in her court. Have alternative plan for yourself lined up for your next supposed meet-up so if she lets you down you will feel less flat.

If she's a real friend then she will listen to you when you tell her how all these cancellations are making you feel. Just day you've noticed a pattern of cancellations and were wondering if anything is wrong, and tell her how it's making you feel. She may tell you if there is something going on e.g. she is struggling to manage her time properly. Hopefully even if she says there is no issue she will pull her socks up and stop doing it. If not and she cancels something again without good reason then I'd just stop communicating with her as she's obviously 'just not that into you'.

If she's always the one initiating, is it possible she feels like you're the flaky or uninvested friend and she's the one putting all the effort in? It reads like it's not working for you, so the dynamic needs to change anyway, but it might be it's not working for her either and that's why she feels its ok to let you down at the last minute.

I think there might be something in this. I might well seem uninvested now because I don't initiate - of course, from my point of view, that's because she is never free/cancels so I don't want to go to the trouble - but I can see that if she lacks self-awareness (and TBF I've never pulled her up on the pattern) then that wouldn't be obvious

It sounds like this one may just have run its course or she truly has a lot going on.

When she cancels and asks when you can next schedule to meet instead, say “it sounds like you’ve a lot going on! Contact me when things calm down.” She either will or won’t..

With a friend like this, I’d only plan days in advance and nothing that requires booking or expense. But be prepared that it might be close to the end.

Friendships shouldn't be about drama and causing anxiety and making you second guess yourself.

'Is it me?' 'Is it something I've said or done?' Etc

You need to talk to her. She clearly isn’t trying to ghost you if she’s instigating contact and suggesting meet ups. I had a friend like this once who it tuned out had massive anxiety issues. She loved the idea of doing things but would always bottle it on the day

I had a friend like this. She would always cancel, especially if it involved a man. We only really ever met up at her house if I made the effort to visit. At the start of our friendship, we used to go out and socialise and spent hours on the phone confiding in each other. She started seeing an older man and very quickly became very flaky and unreliable, changed her phone number a few times without thinking to text me it. I would always make the effort coz I could see she was quite a damaged individual so I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

We didn’t speak for a year at one point and during lockdown she reached out with what seemed like a heartfelt apology. Her relationship had been abusive (which I had already figured out for myself) and her boyfriend hadn’t liked me and didn’t want her socialising with me (which I knew anyway as those types always pick up on who sees through their bullshit) so that’s why she was always cancelling and hadn’t been in touch. I remember really clearly that she turned up to my 30th for literally 30 minutes, said she was on the mock tails as didn’t feel like drinking then disappeared without saying goodbye. Found out later that she’d went and met her boyfriend, got steaming and had a big falling out with him and had a terrible night 🤷🏽‍♀️

We quickly fell back into the same old pattern (even though she had split up with the guy). I found out I was pregnant, she seemed really happy for me, chatted about all the things we’d do with the baby etc. Then she didn’t turn up to my baby shower. I had had a terrible time of it, pre-eclampsia, premature baby. She messaged when she realised I’d had my baby but I didn’t reply. She then blocked me on everything eventually. Sometimes I still miss her but I don’t know why coz she wasn’t a very good friend.

Let the friendship go, she obviously doesn’t care as much as you. It’ll be better in the long run rather than feeling shit all the time when she flakes or cancels on you.

I think you need to take the hint. For her, this friendship has run out of road.

There is nothing to lose, there is no friendship

It may change in the future but I wouldn't keep on going with it as it seems onesided