What do I do about a friend who is never free to meet and then cancels?

[ThePiglet]

She's supposedly one of my closest friends, and I hers. I've seen her ONCE in the last year (tickets to something she wanted to see with other people). She is never free, and when we do have plans she cancels at the last minute. She cancelled an outing for a Wednesday evening on the Monday (my birthday - and she didn't even remember) on the basis that I hadn't got back to her about the restaurant I was booking (it's London so there would be lots of last-minute options available if you aren't fixed on area and don't mind a chain if other things aren't fee) and she'd just been offered work for that evening. She cancelled the re-arranged plans for yesterday in the morning because her husband was supposedly ill.

I feel horribly hurt. If these were one-off incidents, I'd accept it, but she has form for this over a long period of time. She didn't show up to my thirtieth (cancelled on the day) because she was "tired". Another time I was having money worries and asked if we could go for a walk rather than doing something expensive, and she tried to cancel - I pulled her up on and she said that she thought I'd wanted to cancel when I proposed the walk (WTF?) and agreed to go for coffee instead. Another time, when my relationship was in difficulties and I desperately wanted to talk about it, she suggested we go to an event with booked tickets (afternoon) and just before I left the house to go to it sent me a message saying she wouldn't be socialising after as she wanted to go off with her boyfriend (now husband). There are other incidents, but no-one wants to read the full history of a long friendship!

She often talks about what a good and loyal friend I am when we meet up. But I don't feel that she values me.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to lose the friendship, but I'm also sick of devoting so much time and mental energy to trying to find a slot in her diary and then being cancelled on. I haven't told her how hurt I am about the last two incidents - I'm not even sure it's reasonable for me to be hurt. But I can't shake the impression that I'm just not someone she considers that she has to make time for. She has one child, local family and works part time. I have one child, work more than full time hours and am having medical treatment (which she knows about) but I've made myself available because my friend matters to me! I haven't pulled her up on the most recent incidents - maybe I should, but I don't want to the person who says that someone should turn down work for me or that I don't believe that her husband is ill. (But I am self-employed, and both times when she's cancelled it's after I've juggled/stuck kid in front of telly/turned work down to make sure that we can meet up.)

I don’t think there’s anything to do. This is a friendship that has drifted. One person no longer prioritises it. You should look elsewhere for friendship and support. Don’t make any grand gestures of ending. The friendship may rekindle in future.

Drop the rope.

But when she cancels she always asks when we can meet again - and like a mug I respond to that. I don't know what to do. Do I just not respond, or do I say "look I'm perfectly happy to make myself available, but I don't want to book a date that's four weeks in the future, only for you to cancel on me at short notice"

I don't want to lose the friendship

This isn’t a friendship! You’ve seen her once in the last year and she doesn’t want to meet up. Find some real and genuine friends

But don’t you usually say that? Are you saying you’ve never pointed out the pattern of behaviour?

Stop contacting her first. If she wants to keep the friendship going enough, she'll get in touch and arrange something. If not, the friendship has already gone.

No I haven't. I've pulled her up on one or two incidents, but never the pattern. I don't know why. Scared of upsetting her I guess. Scared that it may genuinely be that she has no free time and a series of unfortunate events really does intercede.

Whatever friendship you thought you had is long gone.
This woman isn’t the slightest bit interested in you yet you keep persevering with it.
Let it go, don’t contact her, she isn’t interested and I bet you any money you won’t hear from her again.

Have you actually got any more plans that she may cancel? If not then this isn't going to be an issue. If yes, then when she asks about rearranging you can say we can sort that out another time abut leave it after that.

I don't contact her first generally. Once this year because I was low after IVF didn't work, and once to follow up (after a call she instigated) to get tickets for something (that she didn't reply to). Otherwise it's her.

Yes, like a mug. For a Saturday in four weeks time. I told her to organise a booking for lunch.

I'm in a very similar position. I was thinking of saying I'm happy to do something but that she has to ask on the day that she is free because I can't keep the time to one side anymore. I just can't think of a way to phrase it.

She's also drifted a lot more in the last month or so so I may not even need it.

Its a shame though. I don't ask for much from the friendship, it wouldn't take much effort to maintain and we seem to enjoy each others company. It also won't impact my life much if the friendship comes to an end though so nevermind.

I'm afraid she is no longer a friend. She's trying to tell you gently over and over and you're not listening. Time to let her go and find new friends. This one is over.

Stop arranging to meet up. Let her contact you if she wants to. Find other things do.

I had a friend who used to do this. One day, we'd arranged for her to come round in the evening then dp & I were invited out to something or other the same night. Dp went alone because I didn't want to let a friend down & meeting her had been arranged first. She phoned to cancel at the last minute, after dp had gone out so I spent a boring evening alone. I stopped contacting her after that.

How is she trying to tell me? By getting in touch to say we should meet, and then cancelling on me? How is this gentle?

Stop chasing her OP . She may be getting some power kick out of cancelling and letting you down . Don't you think you deserve better ?

I had a friend like yours, and told my daughter I was upset. She advised me to accept the friend was flaky and carry on, or drop the friendship.

I decided to drop. It's been about two years now, and I still miss her, and recently saw one of her friends and asked about her. Seems she also puts up with the flaky behaviour, because she's known her a lot longer.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to lose the friendship, but I'm also sick of devoting so much time and mental energy to trying to find a slot in her diary and then being cancelled on.

I also have a friend like this, so its been interesting to read the advice on this thread. My friend is incredibly hard to get hold of, takes ages to respond to messages, and then is either ridiculously late, forgets, or does a last minute change or cancellation. But making a conscious decision to drop her (even if I don't communicate that decision) is a bit scary because I'm trying to expand my social circle, not reduce it!

But so what, though? The impact on you is the same whether she’s genuinely desperately busy or just not bothered. Or terminally disorganised. I mean, I’m ‘busy’ by most people’s standards — demanding FT job that isn’t 9 to 5, young child, not enough childcare, DH often overseas for work, project managing a huge house renovation while we live in the house, volunteering, some ongoing health stuff that has meant three (minor) surgeries in the last year etc etc. BUT my friends are hugely important to me, and I make sure I shoehorn them in somehow.

She's not offering a good friendship. She may genuinely like you as she says to you, but simply be unable to manage her time, but that consequence for you is a frustrating relationship with her. It's no fun to be kept on someone's reserve list.

Next time she cancels on you and suggests rearranging, you could say something like "its obviously difficult for you to meet up at the moment as you keep cancelling, let's leave it for a while until you have more time". You could even suggest a video call/chat instead if you do want to keep in touch.

Does your friend have a abusive relationship (with her husband).

She has never said or hinted at anything to suggest that he is abusive. She was also like this before she met him, but much less extreme with it

I agree it's confusing if your friend is the one making contact and suggesting to meet up, but a couple of your comments jumped out at me as I've been the backing off friend in this situation. You said you desperately wanted to talk about your relationship on one occasion, and on another you needed to talk about failed IVF. I've been cast in the role of unofficial counsellor to a couple of friends in the past. Their sole conversation would be about them, their relationship, their issues, their health, their problems with inlaws etc etc. It's really tiresome and shows they weren't interested in me and my life at all. But I backed away from those friendships so I'd understand more if your friend had stopped contacting you.

She clearly doesn't prioritise your friendship and sees any arrangements as casual, so if you want to keep this friendship going on any level you need to lower your expectations and detach. If you can't accept it for what it is you need to let the relationship fade.

Send her a txt message about upcoming meet up something: Hi Jill, are you still ok for our lunch on 26th? Just wanted to check as you seems were having problems lately and cancelled most of our meet ups at the very last minute.
And then wait for her response. If she cancelled, txt her back something like “let me know when things are easier and you can meet up” and then wait.
I think she’s not particularly interested in meet ups for some reasons so you should give up hoping. If it was a genuine problem you would know by now but it didn’t sound like that.

Drop the friendship.