What do I do about a friend who is never free to meet and then cancels?

[ThePiglet]

She's supposedly one of my closest friends, and I hers. I've seen her ONCE in the last year (tickets to something she wanted to see with other people). She is never free, and when we do have plans she cancels at the last minute. She cancelled an outing for a Wednesday evening on the Monday (my birthday - and she didn't even remember) on the basis that I hadn't got back to her about the restaurant I was booking (it's London so there would be lots of last-minute options available if you aren't fixed on area and don't mind a chain if other things aren't fee) and she'd just been offered work for that evening. She cancelled the re-arranged plans for yesterday in the morning because her husband was supposedly ill.

I feel horribly hurt. If these were one-off incidents, I'd accept it, but she has form for this over a long period of time. She didn't show up to my thirtieth (cancelled on the day) because she was "tired". Another time I was having money worries and asked if we could go for a walk rather than doing something expensive, and she tried to cancel - I pulled her up on and she said that she thought I'd wanted to cancel when I proposed the walk (WTF?) and agreed to go for coffee instead. Another time, when my relationship was in difficulties and I desperately wanted to talk about it, she suggested we go to an event with booked tickets (afternoon) and just before I left the house to go to it sent me a message saying she wouldn't be socialising after as she wanted to go off with her boyfriend (now husband). There are other incidents, but no-one wants to read the full history of a long friendship!

She often talks about what a good and loyal friend I am when we meet up. But I don't feel that she values me.

I don't know what to do about it. I don't want to lose the friendship, but I'm also sick of devoting so much time and mental energy to trying to find a slot in her diary and then being cancelled on. I haven't told her how hurt I am about the last two incidents - I'm not even sure it's reasonable for me to be hurt. But I can't shake the impression that I'm just not someone she considers that she has to make time for. She has one child, local family and works part time. I have one child, work more than full time hours and am having medical treatment (which she knows about) but I've made myself available because my friend matters to me! I haven't pulled her up on the most recent incidents - maybe I should, but I don't want to the person who says that someone should turn down work for me or that I don't believe that her husband is ill. (But I am self-employed, and both times when she's cancelled it's after I've juggled/stuck kid in front of telly/turned work down to make sure that we can meet up.)

A: "When can we meet?"
B: "You know what why don't you suggest something concrete and then we'll take it from there."
I had a friend cancel on me less than an hour before my birthday. I was basically about to leave the house and I could tell from her voice she just had something better to do. I should have listened to my gut then. The few times we met after that it was beyond weird. Last time I kept going through my shopping list and I couldn't leave fast enough. Fortunately it was only a cup of coffee. We didn't talk for ages and I ended up just deleting her from FB.

Try to disconnect from caring op. Accept this is her way and lower your expectations. Once you realise this is a ‘her’ problem and not a you problem, you may find it in you to behave differently towards her.

Then relegate her to occasional flakey friend status. Don’t have a falling out. Just accept it is what it is and look for the type of friend you need and want. See her only if she suggests it and only if you want to and it suits. I’m the same as you, I like people that I can count on and have let go people I can’t. It’s disrespectful.

You’ll not get anywhere by forcing it or quietly seething. Let her go.

OP you need to look after yourself. This friendship is making you stressed, feeling like shit, doubting yourself, as well as inconveniencing you. What's in it for you?

You know what she's like, and let's face it, she's flakey. You don't like her being flakey. So the only logical action is to quietly drop her. If she messages about a date to meet up, reply you don't have your diary to hand, and leave it. If she messages again, say you've been really busy, but you'll check your diary, and leave it. Just leave it.

Honestly, I've just done this with my oldest friend (52 years friendship!). She was always like that, never got better. She just prioritised everything - but mainly random dull men - over arrangements with me. Never again.

You don't know what's causing it unless you speak to her. Im not sure that it's a way of trying to gently drop you....she would just cancel if that's the case not keep trying to arrange something. It could be that she honestly doesn't realise how many times it has happened, perhaps her other friends are more like her and they all cancel things short notice so she thinks it's the norm.

I'd wait and see what happens with the event you have planned for a few weeks. If she cancels that but does the usual "so sorry i can't make this but let's sort something for next month" go back to her and say "look I'm getting really confused here. I think of you as a really good friend and you've said you think the same of me but the last x times we've tried to meet up you've cancelled on me and it's getting a bit upsetting to be honest. I understand you're really busy at the moment so shall we just leave it for a while?"

That way if she does want to reduce the friendship she'll take the "out" and say "sorry yes I am really busy ill get in touch when I'm free" (and probably not do so) but at least youll know where you are. Or if she honestly didn't realise how flaky she was being it might be a kick up the bum and she'll apologise and commit to the next meet up. It doesn't have to be an aggressive message but I think you need to say something to tell her that this is an issue.

She's using you. You're that dependable kind friend she keeps in her back pocket fir the day she really needs you, but ultimately doesn't enjoy hanging out with.

She gives you the absolutely bare minimum she can get away with to prevent you calling it a day.

She is enthusiastic about making plans when she is actually with you because she knows she can just cancel nearer the time and that the "making plans" will make you feel good

I would have taken the hint long before now. This person doesn't really care about you at all. Just stop contacting her. If eventually she suggests another meeting and it gets confirmed only for her to cancel then there is your answer.

File her away in your head as a used to be friend.

Better to have a very small and fabulous group of real friends. No point having people you count as friends who honestly don't give a damn about you

My guess would be that she feels sorry for you, absolutely means to meet up with you and they is persuaded without too much difficulty to do something different on the day.

Protect yourself.

The suggestion upthread to reply you seem to have a lot going on, let me know when your life calms down would be a good way forward.

I'm sorry you're hurting but it seems it's only you making the effort Friendship is a two way street( ok for one to need more input at times) and she just isn't reciprocating.
I would message and say you feel she's disinterested and are now leaving it to her to suggest meeting with a firm commitment, and leave it

I have a friend like this. She keeps suggesting meetups, then cancelling. I have concluded that this is some crazed power trip, and distanced myself. I still respond to her texts but I don't suggest meeting any more, and neither do I respond to her periodic suggestions to meet up. Some people are meeting teasers.

Just seen it's her who contacts you
It's just words until it happens though.. until she cancels near the time
It's like meeting up for a wedding or other event and saying " we must meet again soon".. it mostly doesn't happen

Why would you be scared it may genuinely be that she has no free time? Surely to god her genuinely having no free time is better than the other possible reason she keeps bailing on you (that she's a selfish cow who doesn't value your friendship unless it suits her).

Put the ball in her court next time she bails and asks to rearrange. Let her do all the running and arranging this time. It takes 2 people to maintain a friendship. You've done more than your bit. Her turn now.

Ever cancelled on her? Now's your chance, tell her you can't make the next date with some lame excuse, given that she missed your 30th because she was 'tired'.
You could say you'll get back to her about when next free, then just don't if she tries to re- arrange on the spot .
I was inclined to think that perhaps her DH is now the centre of her world and he is pulling the strings, there may be a bit of that. But as she did it before him, I think it's high time you kicked this into touch.

I'm scared because calling her effectively a liar feels a bit nuclear to me although she has so much form now that I don't even know if it is 'you're a liar' or more 'your worldview on what making time for people is is fundamentally different from mine'

Cancel on her the night before or don't turn up and see what she does. You can always say you forgot as she's not on your radar as she's backed off.

It's worse with the DH but but has always been like this. She once commented, that I was a good friend because I'd never blown her off for a date or for someone I was seeing. And I just though that's surely a basic standard of decency - this is partly what makes me so confused because I wonder if my expectations are too high - that I'm expecting "luxe friendship" rather than (as I see it) "basic levels of courtesy and trust". But other friends cancel or can't meet for a while occasionally but nothing like as often as this.

I don't want to be this person. I really value being decent. I always regret it when I'm not. Also, if I did this, I don't think I'd ever be able to take her to task over this shit again.

Stop just stop

let her do the chasing, when she cancels and asks when you can meet again put it back to her, just say you keep cancelling so better you let me know why you are free, and I will leave it to you to book something

if she doesn’t then you know as i think you already do, she’s not really a friend

Personally I'd drop her. If she cancels next time and asks to rearrange just don't respond. She may promise to change, but my betting is she wont - until she wants.something from you. Invest in other people instead.

In my opinion you should stop investing in her. If spending time with you was important to her, she would make it happen. I would concentrate on other friendships. I understand she is your longtime friend but it doesn't matter if in present she is being a crap friend

What do you get out of having this person in your life, really? You said you don't want to lose the friendship, why not?

I do feel for you. I think you do have to follow your heart. I suspect my flaky friend was controlled by her adult daughter. After her lack of show a few times I became suspicious when I was actually at the place we were supposed to meet, having left home half an hour earlier to be there on time, and her daughter called to say her Mum was being sick. I don't think she realised I could clearly hear my friend in the background comforting the baby.

It's not uncommon for people to say lets do lunch whilst having no intention whatsoever of doing lunch.
Its very possible, likely, that she has no emotional involvement left in this 'friendship' but doesnt want to spell it out.
In your position, i'd cease replying to her messages (that way, you'll be taking back power) and accept the friendship has fizzled.

She missed your 30th because she was tired!?!?

That’s extremely poor show and disrespectful. What a selfish b*tch.

Give her a taste of her own medicine and next time don’t turn up.

When she calls you, you say you are so sorry you completely forgot about her, or better still don’t bother answering.

IF you still want to have her as a ‘friend’ completely down grade her and don’t ever take her seriously. You really need to acknowledge the type of person she really is.

I'd definitely stop making any effort at all. Book something in if she asks but nothing fancy or taking any energy or effort. Assume she will cancel and ensure you have back up plans.