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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Argument 4 days ago..no contact but hasn't changed profile picture of us

153 replies

Littlemisslonley · 30/07/2023 19:15

Sounds childish I know....

We had a huge argument 4 days ago over contact he's having with his female friend which I deem inappropriate sending her love hearts and saying stuff like "you look gorgeous darling" lots of voice notes and videos sent to each other. We argued he left and since then we have had no contact however he's not unfriended me on socials or changed his WhatsApp picture from a picture from us and it's driving me insane as to what this means?!

It sounds so childish writing it but I really don't know where I stand anymore with this

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 04/08/2023 07:06

ConnieTucker · 03/08/2023 20:41

Because you're in a pattern of behaviour. You have two ex’s who do not see their children, so they sound like crap. Now this guy who is a piece of shit to you and yet you begged him to stay. You've really poor boundaries. Counselling would be beneficial. You might be able to find an online one as more suitable since you dont have much opportunity to leave the house.

Show quote history

I am in a pattern! I thought I'd gotten out of it in this relationship and made my boundarys known and stood by them even when now exdp told me "they were childish and ridiculous" however I've waviered on them now haven't I... Will look into counselling online

OP posts:
sodthesodoff · 04/08/2023 07:27

Ah I just wanted to give you a big hug

I'm sooo glad pp has pointed out that you're in a pattern and even gladder you can see this and going to look into it

It all starts with a change within you. You need to realise your own worth. You deserve better than this dickhead! Flowers

Thisisworsethananticpated · 04/08/2023 07:45

Littlemisslonley

sending hugs too
look I’m 50 soon ! And my boundaries are still a
mess after 20+ years with my ex

you have time and in the meantime just stay single xxxx.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 04/08/2023 07:57

Thanks guys. 50 is when you start living you got this...

At work today trying to no panic. I don't know why I get panicked but I do. I need to focus on what hes done and how awful he has been to me and stop hearing him in my head telling me "it's innocent it's not like that it's nothing" and realise I told him it hurt me and it's not acceptable to hide things from me and he did it anyway... I need to focus on that and let him flip it onto me

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 04/08/2023 08:16

Thanks guys. 50 is when you start living you got this...

At work today trying to no panic. I don't know why I get panicked but I do. I need to focus on what hes done and how awful he has been to me and stop hearing him in my head telling me "it's innocent it's not like that it's nothing" and realise I told him it hurt me and it's not acceptable to hide things from me and he did it anyway... I need to focus on that and let him flip it onto me

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2023 08:54

At this point just message him "Jessica needs her bike, there's some other bits too. When can I send my sister to collect them." She deserves her stuff back, as do you, but not you going

Butterfly44 · 04/08/2023 09:08

You'll feel so much better making the decision yourself then waiting for him to hurt you more. He won't be expecting it. End, change your pic, but new stuff and move on to what you deserve.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 04/08/2023 09:34

Sorry I didn't mean too double post

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 04/08/2023 09:37

Butterfly44 · 04/08/2023 09:08

You'll feel so much better making the decision yourself then waiting for him to hurt you more. He won't be expecting it. End, change your pic, but new stuff and move on to what you deserve.

Yes I am so tempted to just buy new stuff and sod my stuff off! It would be so much easier for my head and for my sister -- just get new.
And to change my profile pic and get on with my life would be super powerful...feel like it's wasted on him though like he wouldn't care but that's just me over thinking if he loved me he would care

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 04/08/2023 09:37

SleepingStandingUp · 04/08/2023 08:54

At this point just message him "Jessica needs her bike, there's some other bits too. When can I send my sister to collect them." She deserves her stuff back, as do you, but not you going

And again I'm also tempted to do this! Just get it back... ugh its so hard

OP posts:
Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 04/08/2023 20:30

I think I've reached an angry stage.

I've never disrespected him like he has me. I've never said anything inappropriate to any man let alone had a man facetime me at 1am and hid it from him. Ever.

And I'm the mug who messaged him literally telling him I want to fix this and he's the one who ignores me are you joking me?!

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 04/08/2023 20:40

Exactly he doesn't live by your standards. Despite you knowing what good loving behaviour looks like and providing that to your partner, you still think he is worth your attention, his apology or good opinion matters to you, the ball is still in his court... He could decide what happens next.
This is not a good state of fairs as your standards are higher than his, so all he can ever do is let you down.
The quality of your life can never exceed the quality of your life partner. Fact. Because it is far far far easier to drag someone down than to pull someone up to your level... You're heading down a dead end road with this guy.

Close the door.
Get your stuff, for your kid. Or buy new if you can afford it.
But walk away and get some support to look into what about your psyche it is that's makes you give your choices away to someone like this, and try to mend it.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 04/08/2023 20:50

PimpMyFridge · 04/08/2023 20:40

Exactly he doesn't live by your standards. Despite you knowing what good loving behaviour looks like and providing that to your partner, you still think he is worth your attention, his apology or good opinion matters to you, the ball is still in his court... He could decide what happens next.
This is not a good state of fairs as your standards are higher than his, so all he can ever do is let you down.
The quality of your life can never exceed the quality of your life partner. Fact. Because it is far far far easier to drag someone down than to pull someone up to your level... You're heading down a dead end road with this guy.

Close the door.
Get your stuff, for your kid. Or buy new if you can afford it.
But walk away and get some support to look into what about your psyche it is that's makes you give your choices away to someone like this, and try to mend it.

Wow that was brilliant and very well put. Thank you.
I know your right...you've all been right the whole thread tbf it's me who's been....not weak... too bendy on my boundaries for bullshit and too committed to someone who as you said doesn't live by my standards as my standards of not telling another female "you look gorgeous darling" or sending them ❤ and having them facetime you at 1am are clearly far too high for him to understand or accept...

Thank you.

OP posts:
Thisisworsethananticpated · 05/08/2023 16:43

Littlemisslonley

💪
you will wobble
but if there is anything we should do it’s self care xx
you’ll be ok
we all will x

Pinkbonbon · 05/08/2023 17:46

To be fair it would be childish af to have an argument with your partner and rhenium change your social media photo from them and you to just you. So I mean...odd thing to be looking out for. Even if you thought it was over you'd surely at least wait till you were sure so as not to be hurtful.

Unless he had form for pulling that shit before so now you're trained to watch his social media to 'know where you stand'. Which is some serious bs.

As previous posters said - you decide where you stand. If you want it to be over then it's over. As for stuff left at his, he's probably banking on you going round to get it so he can gaslight you further. Fuck it.

He thinks you'll cave and beg for him back xD diddums.

No woman would be OK with him facetiming some other girl 'friend' at 1am btw (unless it's a platonic bestie that he's had for many manh years and shes in some sort of trouble or something) So don't be persuaded otherwise.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 06/08/2023 20:20

Thank you for your post.

Since I messaged him on Wednesday and he didn't want to know I've heard nothing. No Facebook relationship change, still in a relationship on there..he's still following me on insta and me him.. he's not taken pics of us down nothing...its really odd!! No message about my stuff nothing!

So weird how someone can just cut you off like your nothing!!

OP posts:
Hehx3 · 07/08/2023 12:39

I have been there too OP, 3 yrs relationship.. no clue he was about to dump me, no issues raised before.
Yes it is strange so best to not make sense out of it as its wasted effort. Accept he was not for you, you deserve better anyway 💐

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 08/08/2023 18:14

Update*
Hi all
Thanks for all your messages. We spoke on the phone for the first time last night it was very emotional. He accepted his part with his female friend however turned it mostly back on me and my mental health basically ....made me feel awful and I asked for us to rewind and fix the problems ...he said he needed to think about it and would speak to me Wednesday evening after he processed me literally begging to fix any issues within us...feel really sad about it all now

OP posts:
Greenfree · 08/08/2023 18:47

OP, why are you begging for him back after what's he's done? You deserve better than this

babybopella · 08/08/2023 18:57

I’ve been there, I’ve been treated like shit and I was the one begging. Awful. It’s a trauma bond, google it. You really need to go no contact op.

sodthesodoff · 08/08/2023 19:14

Why are you begging?

Seriously. Step away from this piece of shit

For one thing he will have zero respect for you now after you've literally begged him for another chance to be treated like shit again

Block. Move on. Learn to love yourself.

YoSof · 08/08/2023 20:18

Seriously why are you begging?

He is doing all of this deliberately - he is inappropriate with a female friend, you call him out and get this?! Ignored, dumped, emotionally abused and you end up begging for him to come back?! He’s loving this!

Please, for the love of God find your strength and self respect and end it. This is not a normal, healthy relationship. He is walking all over you and you are lying down and letting him! Op seriously, he is taking the piss out of you. How can he be expected to respect you when you don’t even respect yourself?

Get out of this relationship, now, and get therapy. You must be an absolute shell of your former self.

ConnieTucker · 08/08/2023 20:36

Littlemisslonley · 08/08/2023 18:14

Update*
Hi all
Thanks for all your messages. We spoke on the phone for the first time last night it was very emotional. He accepted his part with his female friend however turned it mostly back on me and my mental health basically ....made me feel awful and I asked for us to rewind and fix the problems ...he said he needed to think about it and would speak to me Wednesday evening after he processed me literally begging to fix any issues within us...feel really sad about it all now

This is part of his plan. Now he can do whatever he wants to you. He knows you will no risk losing him so you will never question him again.

you need to block him and have some counselling.

Original poster
Littlemisslonley · 08/08/2023 20:39

I know in my head your all right.... he's brought up some things I've done that affected him and he's made me feel like that's why he's decided to walk and not due to the female friend issue....he's keeping me on a piece of string isn't he....

OP posts:
Greenfree · 08/08/2023 20:45

He's not keeping you on a piece of string OP, he broke up with you and went no contact. Your the one that's begging for the string and allowing him to be in your head. If you het back together he now knows he can do whatever he wants and you won't say anything.