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Original poster

Do you think this is wild?

150 replies

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:36

Met a guy recently for a date and he is a divorcee and single dad with full custody of his 5 year old daughter. Found out he left his wife as she was unwell, and he now pays her £2k a month to cover her mortgage and living costs. She doesn’t work or leave the house. She has only seen their daughter twice since Christmas.

It reflects that he is a decent man, but something about it makes me feel very uncomfortable at the same time.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 28/07/2023 21:39

I’m not sure if it does make him seen decent.

Does he facilitate access? Or is there more issues?

Theimpossiblegirl · 28/07/2023 21:40

He could be decent, he could also be a controlling, abusive monster.
This is an unusual situation, if you go ahead, be wary.

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 21:40

Why does it make you uncomfortable? His wife is ill and he probably feels guilty for leaving her. I don't think it's odd what he's doing.

I think it's odder that he's telling a woman he's on a date with that he's paying his ex 2k a month tbh.

ConnieTucker · 28/07/2023 21:41

It reflects that he is a decent man
does it? Child has seen their mum twice in 7 months. Why?

Velvian · 28/07/2023 21:41

Potentially, the £2K per month could mean that he is servicing the mortgage for a house he jointly owns.

If he did not want bad credit and the house to be repossessed, he may nor have a choice. Also if she won't leave the house and he doesn't want to to live with her, that may also be the only choice.

Velvian · 28/07/2023 21:41

What a meant by that was that on its own, it is not an indication that hevis a good person.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:41

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 21:40

Why does it make you uncomfortable? His wife is ill and he probably feels guilty for leaving her. I don't think it's odd what he's doing.

I think it's odder that he's telling a woman he's on a date with that he's paying his ex 2k a month tbh.

Yeah, I thought him sharing that with me was very odd too…..

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 28/07/2023 21:43

Oversharing a narrative that makes him sound like a hero. On a first date.

Proceed with caution.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:43

ConnieTucker · 28/07/2023 21:41

It reflects that he is a decent man
does it? Child has seen their mum twice in 7 months. Why?

Apparently she doesn’t want to see their daughter. Doesn’t leave the house. Very unwell mentally.

I am wary. Something feels off. Also don’t like how he’s paying her so much. It’s enabling her. Will that be for the rest of her life?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:44

MrsTerryPratchett · 28/07/2023 21:43

Oversharing a narrative that makes him sound like a hero. On a first date.

Proceed with caution.

Good point…

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:45

Velvian · 28/07/2023 21:41

Potentially, the £2K per month could mean that he is servicing the mortgage for a house he jointly owns.

If he did not want bad credit and the house to be repossessed, he may nor have a choice. Also if she won't leave the house and he doesn't want to to live with her, that may also be the only choice.

That’s a fair point.

i challenged him on it… and he said to me he doesn’t want his daughter to grow up knowing that her dad didn’t support her mum.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 28/07/2023 21:46

Which bit bothers you?

Blanketenvy · 28/07/2023 21:47

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:43

Apparently she doesn’t want to see their daughter. Doesn’t leave the house. Very unwell mentally.

I am wary. Something feels off. Also don’t like how he’s paying her so much. It’s enabling her. Will that be for the rest of her life?!

Show quote history

It's unusual but if she is very mentally unwell and he had a decent relationship with her maybe he wants to ensure she keeps a roof over her head so she can get better and eventually see her daughter. It's odd that he's told you so soon maybe but then equally some people do like to be upfront about their situations.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 21:47

'My ex is crazy' never tends to end well...
perhaps you could do a Claire's law request at police station

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:49

Rummikub · 28/07/2023 21:46

Which bit bothers you?

I think the fact he pays her so much money… I’ve never heard of this situation before. I understand she may be very unwell, but how long will that go on for? Will she ever find her feet again if there’s no incentive to? Is he keeping her stuck?

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:50

Blanketenvy · 28/07/2023 21:47

It's unusual but if she is very mentally unwell and he had a decent relationship with her maybe he wants to ensure she keeps a roof over her head so she can get better and eventually see her daughter. It's odd that he's told you so soon maybe but then equally some people do like to be upfront about their situations.

Show quote history

That was along the same lines as my thinking too… I’m not a very upfront person… I tend to open up gradually.

OP posts:
Rummikub · 28/07/2023 21:54

Flutterbye22 · Today 21:49
Rummikub · Today 21:46
Which bit bothers you?

I think the fact he pays her so much money… I’ve never heard of this situation before. I understand she may be very unwell, but how long will that go on for? Will she ever find her feet again if there’s no incentive to? Is he keeping her stuck?

It could be till the child is 18. It could be till mortgage paid.

Does it bother you as you see that money could be for you as a couple?

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:00

Rummikub · 28/07/2023 21:54

Flutterbye22 · Today 21:49
Rummikub · Today 21:46
Which bit bothers you?

I think the fact he pays her so much money… I’ve never heard of this situation before. I understand she may be very unwell, but how long will that go on for? Will she ever find her feet again if there’s no incentive to? Is he keeping her stuck?

It could be till the child is 18. It could be till mortgage paid.

Does it bother you as you see that money could be for you as a couple?

Possibly yes… I’ve only heard of situations where money is provided in the form of child maintenance. I guess this is spousal maintenance, but I’ve no idea how it works to be honest.

it also just doesn’t sit right with me that she’s living off of him, I don’t know. It’s a tricky one.

OP posts:
Lifeafternarcabuse · 28/07/2023 22:00

Do a Claires law application online.
First date and discloses this? I smell bullshit. Making himself out to be a hero to his daughter and his ex wife when the truth it probably much much different.
Proceed with caution but if it were me I'd question it all

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 22:04

Lifeafternarcabuse · 28/07/2023 22:00

Do a Claires law application online.
First date and discloses this? I smell bullshit. Making himself out to be a hero to his daughter and his ex wife when the truth it probably much much different.
Proceed with caution but if it were me I'd question it all

Yes

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 22:05

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:00

Possibly yes… I’ve only heard of situations where money is provided in the form of child maintenance. I guess this is spousal maintenance, but I’ve no idea how it works to be honest.

it also just doesn’t sit right with me that she’s living off of him, I don’t know. It’s a tricky one.

Show quote history

"Doesn't sit right that she's living off of him"

It's none of your business really.

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2023 22:06

How long has he been divorced? Did she agree to the divorce, how could she if she’s that unwell? How did the finances chat come about?

Oversharing would put me off. Painting himself as a hero or victim would put me off.

If it doesn’t feel right then walk away I think.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:06

Lifeafternarcabuse · 28/07/2023 22:00

Do a Claires law application online.
First date and discloses this? I smell bullshit. Making himself out to be a hero to his daughter and his ex wife when the truth it probably much much different.
Proceed with caution but if it were me I'd question it all

Really weird isn’t it… I’m not sure I want to see him again, but I’m worried I’m writing people off too early, it’s difficult. He wants to see me again and really likes me.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 22:06

Lifeafternarcabuse · 28/07/2023 22:00

Do a Claires law application online.
First date and discloses this? I smell bullshit. Making himself out to be a hero to his daughter and his ex wife when the truth it probably much much different.
Proceed with caution but if it were me I'd question it all

I think sometimes they tell all on the first date to lull you into a false sense of security thinking 'well he didn't need to tell me he must be a super honest guy' then you don't ask any more

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:07

Dacadactyl · 28/07/2023 22:05

"Doesn't sit right that she's living off of him"

It's none of your business really.

Show quote history

Well, he told me… and I think it is my business if I were to continue dating him as that is something I don’t feel comfortable with… so it gives me the choice to walk away. I think it is my business, so I’d have to disagree with you.

OP posts: