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Original poster

Do you think this is wild?

150 replies

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:36

Met a guy recently for a date and he is a divorcee and single dad with full custody of his 5 year old daughter. Found out he left his wife as she was unwell, and he now pays her £2k a month to cover her mortgage and living costs. She doesn’t work or leave the house. She has only seen their daughter twice since Christmas.

It reflects that he is a decent man, but something about it makes me feel very uncomfortable at the same time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:08

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 22:06

I think sometimes they tell all on the first date to lull you into a false sense of security thinking 'well he didn't need to tell me he must be a super honest guy' then you don't ask any more

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Good point

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 28/07/2023 22:09

Found out he left his wife as she was unwell

Er- doesn’t THAT bother you?
And he disclosed something incredibly personal about the mother of his child to someone he barely knows.
And on the first date?

Itisyourturntowashthebath · 28/07/2023 22:09

He's told you that he has a very unusual relationship with his ex.

You can run a mile or ask him why it is so unusual.

Lkahsvtv · 28/07/2023 22:09

It does sound odd and a bit off to be disclosing so much especially about his finances.
Also have you thought about the effect on his little girl and the difficulty of the role you’d then be playing in her life?

FiddleLeaf · 28/07/2023 22:11

How decent of him to leave his wife because she’s unwell 😊

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:12

AnneLovesGilbert · 28/07/2023 22:06

How long has he been divorced? Did she agree to the divorce, how could she if she’s that unwell? How did the finances chat come about?

Oversharing would put me off. Painting himself as a hero or victim would put me off.

If it doesn’t feel right then walk away I think.

I think they’ve been divorced for about 12 months now…
These are all very good questions that you raise though. He said to me he was worried about the welfare of their daughter and decided to move out and get a place for him & her while the ex wife stayed in the home. Apparently her mental health declined during the pandemic. On one occasion she demanded £7k from him and threatened she’d run away with the daughter if he didn’t send her the money. So it could be that actually he was a bit trapped.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:13

FiddleLeaf · 28/07/2023 22:11

How decent of him to leave his wife because she’s unwell 😊

I hear you on that. Thing is I really don’t know the full story, and I’ll only ever get a biased account 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:14

Lkahsvtv · 28/07/2023 22:09

It does sound odd and a bit off to be disclosing so much especially about his finances.
Also have you thought about the effect on his little girl and the difficulty of the role you’d then be playing in her life?

Yep, that has absolutely crossed my mind. Surely she asks for her mother? And if I come into the picture… it just feels very uncomfortable and I’m not sure it’s a dynamic for me…

OP posts:
FOJN · 28/07/2023 22:17

I think you sound like a match made in hell, he left his wife because she was ill and you think she's a leech.

Even if he's lying you don't come out of this looking good.

Have some compassion FFS, the poor woman has lost her family because of mental illness.

INeedAnotherName · 28/07/2023 22:18

He's paying the mortgage on the marital home. If she is that unwell she will be on benefits but it won't be enough to pay her share of the mortgage and /or council tax. He's bullshitting you.

SemperIdem · 28/07/2023 22:18

This sounds like a whole circus and I would extricate myself immediately.

Coffeeandanap · 28/07/2023 22:20

Agree with others, it sounds like bullshit & he’s painting himself to be a good guy. Of course we could be wrong, but the one date & he’s disclosing all this to you just doesn’t seem right.

Do you usually judge a first date by how much money you think he should bring to you as a couple? Maybe dating parents/those with ex spousal support isn’t for you if that’s potentially an issue?

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:22

Coffeeandanap · 28/07/2023 22:20

Agree with others, it sounds like bullshit & he’s painting himself to be a good guy. Of course we could be wrong, but the one date & he’s disclosing all this to you just doesn’t seem right.

Do you usually judge a first date by how much money you think he should bring to you as a couple? Maybe dating parents/those with ex spousal support isn’t for you if that’s potentially an issue?

Yes, I don’t think it’s for me at all.

OP posts:
Coffeeandanap · 28/07/2023 22:28

Step away in that case, if it’s already a head scratcher it won’t be good for you. Find someone suitable for you & the lifestyle you want. Even if what he says is true, it sounds like a lot to get involved with if you’re thinking long term.

namechange003 · 28/07/2023 22:35

I agree with others also and call bull on his version of events... it's weird to offer up that info on a first day (or first few at the very least!) dates and reminds me of my controlling emotionally abusive ex husband. I know how he's painted me to people over the last 5 years:
-Pays me £1,500 a month and mortgage on top of that
-I don't work and waste any money I do have
-wonderful father fighting for 50/50 custody
-spends a lot of money on our children and takes them to do fun things all the time
-I left him for someone else.

The truth:
-he pays me that because I legally own 50% of his (our business) so legally have to be paid that dividends which is this per month, it's like this still because after 5 years he still won't sign the financial order because he likes to have control over me, he's never paid for a lawyer yet I've forked out over £20k over the 5 years.

  • I'm self employed and have a good income, it goes mainly on bills and our children (anything they need inc clothes, uniforms shoes which he rarely buys) (he's been on 8 holidays abroad, without children since we split, drives a 90,000k car)
-he wants 50/50 to control how much I see our children, if it doesn't suit his social schedule/holidays etc he doesn't actually want the 50/50, and for him 50/50 doesn't include day times, just over nights. -he's a Disney dad and shows little emotional support and they can't rely on him and as they're getting older are increasingly aware of this. -I left him because he cheated on me countless times, emotional affairs, did nothing to help around the house, berated me for having post partem depression, used sexual coercion on almost a daily basis, would shut himself in the bathroom for 30 mins watching porn daily.

He loves to offer up (false) information to anyone as soon as he meets them. I would proceed with caution...

Tannedandfake · 28/07/2023 22:36

You don’t even know if he’s telling you the truth🤷‍♀️
What amazing job does he have that can pay £2k to his ex wife and provide for himself and his child?

PomTiddlyPom · 28/07/2023 23:10

FOJN · 28/07/2023 22:17

I think you sound like a match made in hell, he left his wife because she was ill and you think she's a leech.

Even if he's lying you don't come out of this looking good.

Have some compassion FFS, the poor woman has lost her family because of mental illness.

A few obligatory #beKind words isn't going to change the fact that this guy has a single outgoing more than many people's entire monthly salaries. OP is worried and rightly so. She owes the ex nothing.

This is too much drama OP. I'd get rid. Sorry, I know it's hard when you really click with someone after scores of bad dates. Even if he IS telling the truth:

a) He left his ill wife - he's not going to take care of you! Especially with 2K a month he could have bought in help. Of course it's different if she was violent or abusive towards the child, but he'd have told you that too! Makes him look like more of a hero.

b) He feels too much of an obligation to her. Of course he has some tie, she is the mother of his child. But if he was doing everything a husband does short of sharing the house why on earth did he divorce in the first place?

Makes no sense at all. Fishier than a tank full of fish.

Rummikub · 28/07/2023 23:35

You’re being v honest op

i think at best he is paying that to look after her. But the amount of money will eat away at you. And he might stop paying it but all round it doesn’t seem a good fit for you.

RantyAnty · 29/07/2023 00:44

You can probably assume 90% of what he's telling you is a lie.

He's on the prowl for a new live in child minder and skivvy.

Your spidey senses are warning you.

Chocfudgebrownee · 29/07/2023 01:42

If the mum is mentally ill but also well enough to live at home (IE not in hospital under a section) then I fail to see how she's too sick to see her daughter. I guess she might not want to... But mothers not wanting to see their kids are VANISHINGLY RARE. I suspect he's either reported her to social services / child protection and / or taken her through the family courts; either way to prevent her from seeing her daughter. He won't have to pay maintenence if he's the main carer 🙃

Zanatdy · 29/07/2023 04:03

No-one here knows if he’s a decent guy doing the right thing for his child’s mother as she’s mentally ill or if he’s just bullshit*ing you. But it’s clear it makes you uncomfortable and so you should walk away. Many women might have an issue with it, but it’s his money, his business and if not something you’re comfortable with then better to walk

CurlewKate · 29/07/2023 04:22

Hmm. So he told a virtual stranger details of his ex wife's health and circumstances....

And you're bothered because the crazy ex wife's finances don't "sit right with you." Hmm.

oviraptor21 · 29/07/2023 04:23

Sounds like a load of.baggage I'd want to avoid.
However the financial arrangements may have been agreed in court. If he's a higher earner and she can't work because of illness, he may have been ordered to pay spousal maintenance.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 29/07/2023 05:04

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:06

Really weird isn’t it… I’m not sure I want to see him again, but I’m worried I’m writing people off too early, it’s difficult. He wants to see me again and really likes me.

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But do you want to see him again and do you really like him? Doesn’t matter what he wants and feels – what do you feel?

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 06:04

CurlewKate · 29/07/2023 04:22

Hmm. So he told a virtual stranger details of his ex wife's health and circumstances....

And you're bothered because the crazy ex wife's finances don't "sit right with you." Hmm.

Well, that bothered me too and didn’t sit right either :(

I don’t know her so I can’t comment. I only hear his side of the story. All I know is it was a lot to take in and to process… and I’d worry about the future and how things could pan out.

he also told me that she has no family or friends. So I guess that means that he is basically her only support network?

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