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Original poster

Do you think this is wild?

150 replies

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:36

Met a guy recently for a date and he is a divorcee and single dad with full custody of his 5 year old daughter. Found out he left his wife as she was unwell, and he now pays her £2k a month to cover her mortgage and living costs. She doesn’t work or leave the house. She has only seen their daughter twice since Christmas.

It reflects that he is a decent man, but something about it makes me feel very uncomfortable at the same time.

OP posts:
CrabbiesGingerBeer · 29/07/2023 08:52

oviraptor21 · 29/07/2023 04:23

Sounds like a load of.baggage I'd want to avoid.
However the financial arrangements may have been agreed in court. If he's a higher earner and she can't work because of illness, he may have been ordered to pay spousal maintenance.

This. Medical incapacity preventing someone from working is one of the few circumstances in which long term spousal maintenance may be awarded.

He may be a good man paying voluntarily.

Equally he may have lost a viciously fought court battle relating to maintenance (or just be required to pay the mortgage on a property that will be sold in due course, giving him his money back) and legally prevented a desperate (although ill) mother from seeing her child.

We can’t tell from what he says but to me the whole thing is very George Wickham (Pride and Prejudice - spilling his tale of woe in regard to Mr. Darcy to multiple random strangers).

KPops22 · 29/07/2023 08:54

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:43

Apparently she doesn’t want to see their daughter. Doesn’t leave the house. Very unwell mentally.

I am wary. Something feels off. Also don’t like how he’s paying her so much. It’s enabling her. Will that be for the rest of her life?!

Show quote history

You are guessing wildly here and it sounds quite unpleasant. Enabling her?

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 08:57

I don't know how long her mental illness has been an issue, but it's clearly 5 years or less.... Because presumably (??) an intelligent, responsible man wouldn't risk pregnancy with a mentally unwell partner.

So within 5 years (and she'd have been post partum for a couple of those, so a possibility of PND etc. he's given up trying to support his wife while cohabitating/being a couple, moved himself and his dd out, got a live in nanny and divorced her (the divorce probably wouldn't even have been a fast one as it's not a simple situation). How could his wife, if she's so mentally unwell, even have advocated for herself in the divorce, and child custody arrangements.

It all seems very hasty, and rather extreme and like she wasn't being given a chance or time perhaps.

Now he's similarly full on and hasty about talking to a new)first time date like they're going to get into a serious relationship avd have kids ... On topic of overstating sensitive info about his exs MH avd info about his finances.

And this guy works in law and finance?!

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 08:58

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 08:49

I'd be very interested to know ... If he truly wants to support his ex and do right by his daughter ...what he, with his income and intelligence, has done to help his ex improve her MH.

Someone never leaving their home and choosing (?) to see their very young child only twice in 7 months (when you have a child, you'll understand what visceral pain it is to be separated from them, like a massive hole) is in a very bad way.
What's being done so this little girl has a chance of getting a relationship back with her Mum? If she has no family etc., then he's her advocate so what's he doing about that? That would be crucial, you'd think.

(And if she has noone, who's delivering her food etc?)

Trust me, I asked all of these things!

regardless of the over sharing, I do actually care and as he began to tell me all of this, I became very concerned and asked what help she wa getting. Apparently he’s been down the Social services route and they discharged her as she refused the help. I believe she gets her shopping delivered.

im unsure whether he visits her? It was an odd position to be in on the date as I was torn between asking further questions and wanting to help but also not probe further out of respect!!

the relationship between mum and daughter is extremely important and should 100% be encouraged!!

OP posts:
TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 08:59

*On top of overstarng sensitive info about his ex's MH avd info about his finances.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 08:59

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 08:57

I don't know how long her mental illness has been an issue, but it's clearly 5 years or less.... Because presumably (??) an intelligent, responsible man wouldn't risk pregnancy with a mentally unwell partner.

So within 5 years (and she'd have been post partum for a couple of those, so a possibility of PND etc. he's given up trying to support his wife while cohabitating/being a couple, moved himself and his dd out, got a live in nanny and divorced her (the divorce probably wouldn't even have been a fast one as it's not a simple situation). How could his wife, if she's so mentally unwell, even have advocated for herself in the divorce, and child custody arrangements.

It all seems very hasty, and rather extreme and like she wasn't being given a chance or time perhaps.

Now he's similarly full on and hasty about talking to a new)first time date like they're going to get into a serious relationship avd have kids ... On topic of overstating sensitive info about his exs MH avd info about his finances.

And this guy works in law and finance?!

Worrying isn’t it…

OP posts:
Codlingmoths · 29/07/2023 09:02

I don’t know if it’s enabling to pay her id she’s severely mentally ill but if so it’s very strange she doesn’t have a support team. Getting someone involuntarily committed is very difficult and can be impossible if they don’t present sufficiently severely, so I understand why that may not have happened but no support team?? None??

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 09:03

While MH problems can be very difficult to deal with and solve, I don't think leaving someone & divorcing them within a few short years of them having your child (and perhaps being affected by PND) is exactly sticking very hard to the "in sickness and in health" aspect of marriage vows.

Maybe a separation ... And seeing how things go for her over time, but instead he's divorced her and is out dating again, and not even casually dating (he's talking in terms of a serious relationship leading to kids etc).

For such an man of integrity (!) it raises questions.

CountryStore · 29/07/2023 09:07

I don't know what you mean by 'wild' in this context, but I'd be concerned that he is getting his side of the story in first, because there's something dodgy about it. As others have said, it's oversharing for a first date.
And do you want to be involved in a difficult family situation? I wouldn't

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 09:21

You don't know if he's been ordered to pay for that house for a certain amount of time or not.

How long ago did he divorce her?

His wife hasn't really been given time or opportunity to recover from her mh issues.

He could have just separated and stayed at that for a while to see how things panned out over time, and advocated energetically for her. Instead he's out looking for wifey no 2 apparently. And has no problems with introducing a stepmother even though their 5 yr old already has a new substitute mother figure

My aunt was an inpatient once due to a MH breakdown and I think it was PND related. (Also a h who did not pull his weight) ....
She's been perfectly well for decades now (she's in her 70s).
Good thing her h didn't divorce her and piss off quickly with her kids (well he wouldn't have wanted to look after the kids and not rich enough to get a nanny).

Daleksatemyshed · 29/07/2023 09:44

There's a lot of he says here but what count are people's actions. He left a very unwell woman, took their DC and doesn't do anything for her, he just gives her money. You only have his side and no way of finding out if it's true Op, but what you do know is he won't stay around if you get ill and he has a small DC whose probably very distressed and who he should be focussed on rather than out looking for a new GF. You may like him but is that enough in exchange for all the drama that comes with him?

INeedAnotherName · 29/07/2023 09:48

He then phoned me to explore why and tried to convince me to continue seeing him as he really really liked me.

After one date? What. the. actual. fuck?

INeedAnotherName · 29/07/2023 09:56

posted too soon.

Did type out lots of words but mn ate it.

There are so many red flags here that it would be unwise to continue. Especially since your boundaries aren't that good atm. Strengthen those first before getting back in the dating pool.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 11:22

Codlingmoths · 29/07/2023 09:02

I don’t know if it’s enabling to pay her id she’s severely mentally ill but if so it’s very strange she doesn’t have a support team. Getting someone involuntarily committed is very difficult and can be impossible if they don’t present sufficiently severely, so I understand why that may not have happened but no support team?? None??

This is what I don’t understand either. It all sounds very fishy to me. I have worked in mental health though, so I’m very aware of how people can slip through the nets and the system tends to be very exclusionary with their thresholds etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 11:22

INeedAnotherName · 29/07/2023 09:56

posted too soon.

Did type out lots of words but mn ate it.

There are so many red flags here that it would be unwise to continue. Especially since your boundaries aren't that good atm. Strengthen those first before getting back in the dating pool.

Thank you. Noted.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 11:23

INeedAnotherName · 29/07/2023 09:48

He then phoned me to explore why and tried to convince me to continue seeing him as he really really liked me.

After one date? What. the. actual. fuck?

Well, we’d been talking every day for a couple of weeks after as I went away on holiday. But yeh, still way overboard.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 11:24

Daleksatemyshed · 29/07/2023 09:44

There's a lot of he says here but what count are people's actions. He left a very unwell woman, took their DC and doesn't do anything for her, he just gives her money. You only have his side and no way of finding out if it's true Op, but what you do know is he won't stay around if you get ill and he has a small DC whose probably very distressed and who he should be focussed on rather than out looking for a new GF. You may like him but is that enough in exchange for all the drama that comes with him?

Completely agree with you. His main focus absolutely should be his daughter especially right now given recent events and her age.

I think there’s far too much baggage here. And would absolutely worry if I were to become unwell physically or mentally.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 11:27

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 09:03

While MH problems can be very difficult to deal with and solve, I don't think leaving someone & divorcing them within a few short years of them having your child (and perhaps being affected by PND) is exactly sticking very hard to the "in sickness and in health" aspect of marriage vows.

Maybe a separation ... And seeing how things go for her over time, but instead he's divorced her and is out dating again, and not even casually dating (he's talking in terms of a serious relationship leading to kids etc).

For such an man of integrity (!) it raises questions.

You summed it up perfectly here.

OP posts:
Tatzelwyrm · 29/07/2023 11:29

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:43

Apparently she doesn’t want to see their daughter. Doesn’t leave the house. Very unwell mentally.

I am wary. Something feels off. Also don’t like how he’s paying her so much. It’s enabling her. Will that be for the rest of her life?!

Show quote history

He's better off without you! 'enabling' without any other information, he's taking care of his dd's mother.

We dont know what % of his income that is, we dont know the extent of her illness....

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 29/07/2023 11:29

I had to continue supporting my ex after our breakup - his mental health was such that it was impossible for him to live with anyone, tbh he wasn't even capable of giving any thought to anyone including his DSs. I make no apology for leaving him. The worst parts of his personality became the only parts of his personality.

If his DM hadn't stepped in to financially support him I suspect I would still have to send him some money even now. My DSs would be upset knowing their father was suffering more than he needed to be.

Tatzelwyrm · 29/07/2023 11:32

Codlingmoths · 29/07/2023 09:02

I don’t know if it’s enabling to pay her id she’s severely mentally ill but if so it’s very strange she doesn’t have a support team. Getting someone involuntarily committed is very difficult and can be impossible if they don’t present sufficiently severely, so I understand why that may not have happened but no support team?? None??

I have a relative that is CLEARLY suffering from MAJOR MH issues, lives in a place even squatters wouldnt touch, fucking disgusting, total self neglect, and fuck all is done- we have reported to everywhere we can think of - Relative wont let anyone in the house, so nothing gets done

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 29/07/2023 11:34

The only women I know of that ended up alone and isolated with serious mental health issues were the ones who were badly abused in their marriages.

FloydPepper · 29/07/2023 11:34

Women on here are told to leave a man who has depression/mental illness if it’s impacting the relationship. They’re told it’s not their job to fix him

women on here are told it’s the NRPs responsibility to see their kids, they can’t force it

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 29/07/2023 11:38

He has a complicated family situation. He has 100% care for his DD, yet his ex wife is still around. I actually understand why he has made it clear from the start what his situation is. If a potential partner has a problem with it, might as well know before you develop feelings for them.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/07/2023 11:40

That could be anything from somebody doing the right thing to an abusive, controlling arsehole who has prevented his ex from seeing her child because 'you're mental' when she's had a breakdown due to being abused, coerced and belittled for their entire relationship and then had her child taken from her because he's a rich lawyer and she had given up her career to look after the kid 'because somebody needs to and I can't possibly give up mine because I'm so important and make all the money'.

He clearly has no boundaries with the sales technique used to try to get you to continue seeing him - not used to women telling him 'no', is he? And 'any future children'? WTF? Are they after he's sacked the live in nanny because you'll be his kid's new Mummy?