Page 3 | Do you think this is wild?

Flutterbye22 · 2023-07-28T20:36:38+00:00

Met a guy recently for a date and he is a divorcee and single dad with full custody of his 5 year old daughter. Found out he left his wife as she was unwell, and he now pays her £2k a month to cover her mortgage and living costs. She doesn’t work or leave the house. She has only seen their daughter twice since Christmas. It reflects that he is a decent man, but something about it makes me feel very uncomfortable at the same time.

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 06:08

spitefulandbadgrammar · 29/07/2023 05:04

But do you want to see him again and do you really like him? Doesn’t matter what he wants and feels – what do you feel?

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I like him, and we connect. We have a fair bit in common and like a lot of the same things. But all this in the background is making me weary.

he also told me that she phoned him once because she’d collapsed on the floor after not eating for 3 days. I asked him about the other support that she has - to which he answered none and then suggested social services, community mh team etc. not because I’m being a bitch, but really because it sounds like she needs the support of a multi disciplinary team for her own recovery.

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ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 29/07/2023 06:11

Why is he telling you all of these private details on such short acquaintance? I have lifelong friends who don't know that much about my finances.

Huge red flags. Bin and move on to someone with less baggage.

JeandeServiette · 29/07/2023 06:13

Possibly yes… I’ve only heard of situations where money is provided in the form of child maintenance. I guess this is spousal maintenance, but I’ve no idea how it works to be honest.

it also just doesn’t sit right with me that she’s living off of him, I don’t know. It’s a tricky one.

First date.

He massively over shares. Including someone else's medical information and crass details of finances with amounts specified.

You worry that his spousal maintenance potentially means less money for you as a future couple.

You sound made for each other, honestly.

YukoandHiro · 29/07/2023 06:25

Steer WELL clear. It's a well known fact that men leave women when they require care - ask any nurse. Wives accompany husbands to chemo, women are always with sisters or friends.
You do not want this person in your life. He abandoned the person he made promises to when the shit hit the fan.

YukoandHiro · 29/07/2023 06:30

(Or, just as likely, he's talking absolute bullshit. Both mean he's not worth another moment of your energy)

DuckyShincracker · 29/07/2023 07:22

Say everything was true and the best possible version of events, she wanted out of the relationship due to MH. He stepped up and supported her and all that. If you start a relationship with him you've now got a partner propping up his ex. That will get old soon! Then there's the relationship between the DD & her Mum. All of this would become issues you'd have navigate if you dated him. Speaking as a SM who had to do a lot for my DSS as their Mum wasn't always engaged it wasn't easy!

Saturnssister · 29/07/2023 07:26

There could be a myriad of issues. What does he do? For a job I mean, what are his living circumstances?

MiddleParking · 29/07/2023 07:57

Why would you take this on face value from a stranger?! He sounds like a lying bam and you’re feeling totally uncomfortable after one date. It is seriously worrying that you’re giving the details headspace/worrying about the implications for a future relationship.

MiddleParking · 29/07/2023 08:00

On the first date he’s tried to derive a pathway for: “my ex is crazy”, “my daughter has lost one mother figure and can’t be abandoned by another one for you to go out with your friends” and “I have a legitimate reason to have no money so you have to pay for everything”. Ooh wow yes please shall we go bowling on date two?

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 08:00

DuckyShincracker · 29/07/2023 07:22

Say everything was true and the best possible version of events, she wanted out of the relationship due to MH. He stepped up and supported her and all that. If you start a relationship with him you've now got a partner propping up his ex. That will get old soon! Then there's the relationship between the DD & her Mum. All of this would become issues you'd have navigate if you dated him. Speaking as a SM who had to do a lot for my DSS as their Mum wasn't always engaged it wasn't easy!

This is precisely where my mind has been going. Sounds incredibly, incredibly messy.

I actually was honest with him and told him straight I do not wish to continue dating and have decided dating someone with children isn’t for me. He then phoned me to explore why and tried to convince me to continue seeing him as he really really liked me. He said not to worry about the amount of money he gives her because he has plenty and it wouldn’t affect “us” if we were a couple or if he went on to have more children.

but that’s the thing, it’s not just about the money either. It’s the dynamics. He sounds like he’s her next of kin. She’d always be in the pic as she’s the mother of their child, which I totally get, but her vulnerability would mean she’s in the picture in a totally different way and I don’t think I can handle that.

also v concerning if he were to lose his job? I work full-time, I can’t afford to prop them all up!

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Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 08:03

Saturnssister · 29/07/2023 07:26

There could be a myriad of issues. What does he do? For a job I mean, what are his living circumstances?

He lives in a separate home he bought with his daughter and live-in nanny.

he earns very well, like a 3-figure salary. He’s in financial law - some kind of consultant / in between when companies wish to dissolve.

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Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 08:05

MiddleParking · 29/07/2023 07:57

Why would you take this on face value from a stranger?! He sounds like a lying bam and you’re feeling totally uncomfortable after one date. It is seriously worrying that you’re giving the details headspace/worrying about the implications for a future relationship.

I’m an over thinker anyway. I just came on here for some other opinions. I’m worried I’ll strike everyone off that I meet, but I think it’s safe to say the anxiety is warranted with this one, lol

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Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 08:07

MiddleParking · 29/07/2023 08:00

On the first date he’s tried to derive a pathway for: “my ex is crazy”, “my daughter has lost one mother figure and can’t be abandoned by another one for you to go out with your friends” and “I have a legitimate reason to have no money so you have to pay for everything”. Ooh wow yes please shall we go bowling on date two?

To be fair on him, he’s covered everything so far and never implied I’d have to pay for everything. I’m happy to contribute my share anyways, but this sounds too messy for me.

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Flashingtealights · 29/07/2023 08:09

First date.

He massively over shares. Including someone else's medical information and crass details of finances with amounts specified.

You worry that his spousal maintenance potentially means less money for you as a future couple.

You sound made for each other, honestly.

Yep, my thoughts exactly. You've only just met and you're worried that the amount he's paying his ex could impact the money you would have together as a couple. Bit premature I reckon

MiddleParking · 29/07/2023 08:17

I actually was honest with him and told him straight I do not wish to continue dating and have decided dating someone with children isn’t for me. He then phoned me to explore why and tried to convince me to continue seeing him as he really really liked me. He said not to worry about the amount of money he gives her because he has plenty and it wouldn’t affect “us” if we were a couple or if he went on to have more children.

This is after one date? Christ OP. That is really not normal behaviour from either of you but especially him.

UpUpUpU · 29/07/2023 08:17

It’s too much op. I’m in a new relationship of 18 months and I don’t know how much he earns or him me.

Move on from this one, he is not going to make you happy.

WeAreTheHeroes · 29/07/2023 08:18

I would find this odd and unsettling. Shades of Mr Rochester about his story, except he's told you about his wife.

Sparklfairy · 29/07/2023 08:26

For someone so 'compassionate' he's told very private and sensitive information about someone else's mental health to a total stranger. I'd be very hurt if I was the ex. Especially if she's apparently so fragile.

And then he leveraged that information story to paint himself as a 'good guy'.

I don't like that one bit. If he was really so virtuous he wouldn't mention it at all on the first date. 'My daughter lives with me, it's a long story' is more than enough to reveal so early on.

Epidote · 29/07/2023 08:27

No, is no wild. Strange? may be, and he may be a good guy or a crappy one.

What I found wild is that you already refused to date him again and he has convinced you in base of that he is loaded and that most of your worries is about the money he "gives away".

FiddleLeaf · 29/07/2023 08:29

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:13

I hear you on that. Thing is I really don’t know the full story, and I’ll only ever get a biased account 😕

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If this is the info he has shared with you, imagine her story!

I disagree that it’s something you discuss on the first date too. Does he tell every woman this? Is it a bizarre humble brag? Why discuss someone else’s mental health?

IhearyouClemFandango · 29/07/2023 08:32

Your turn of phrase, "living off him" is very telling.

He sounds awful, and you don't sound much better. I think you are a little blinded by what you see as a lot of money floating around.

Original poster

Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 08:40

FiddleLeaf · 29/07/2023 08:29

If this is the info he has shared with you, imagine her story!

I disagree that it’s something you discuss on the first date too. Does he tell every woman this? Is it a bizarre humble brag? Why discuss someone else’s mental health?

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Very true! God forbid I was to ever get ill and they share that info with everyone … it should be kept firmly private.

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TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 08:43

I think they’ve been divorced for about 12 months now…

I'm not sure how long they were separated before the divorce but 12 months is taking enough for him to be getting into a serious relationship... Given his v young daughter has had her parents split and love in separate homes, a quasi mother figure (live in nanny) introduced to her life ... And now he's talking rather seriously (it won't affect our life together and any kids we have, after one date!) in terms of another woman being introduced soon-ish.

What's the rush.
Does his little dd not deserve some time to adjust.

Without him taking in a very serious relationship way to a woman on a first date.

His lack of discretion is also not a great sign, esp for someone who should be discrete given their line of work.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 08:43

*12 months is not long enough for him to be getting into a serious relationship...

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 08:49

I'd be very interested to know ... If he truly wants to support his ex and do right by his daughter ...what he, with his income and intelligence, has done to help his ex improve her MH.

Someone never leaving their home and choosing (?) to see their very young child only twice in 7 months (when you have a child, you'll understand what visceral pain it is to be separated from them, like a massive hole) is in a very bad way.
What's being done so this little girl has a chance of getting a relationship back with her Mum? If she has no family etc., then he's her advocate so what's he doing about that? That would be crucial, you'd think.

(And if she has noone, who's delivering her food etc?)