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Original poster

Do you think this is wild?

150 replies

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:36

Met a guy recently for a date and he is a divorcee and single dad with full custody of his 5 year old daughter. Found out he left his wife as she was unwell, and he now pays her £2k a month to cover her mortgage and living costs. She doesn’t work or leave the house. She has only seen their daughter twice since Christmas.

It reflects that he is a decent man, but something about it makes me feel very uncomfortable at the same time.

OP posts:
mewkins · 29/07/2023 11:47

Sounds like he is trying to justify to you why he should be considered decent even though he left his unwell ex wife. To me it sounds like he pays her money and she's disappeared from their lives. Nothing about this is surprising (let alone 'wild' - what does that even mean?!) In the world of online dating.

Alcemeg · 29/07/2023 12:10

I think you're right to be careful/suspicious, but you still know virtually nothing about him. Maybe keep an open mind for a bit longer?

Lifeafternarcabuse · 29/07/2023 12:22

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 22:06

Really weird isn’t it… I’m not sure I want to see him again, but I’m worried I’m writing people off too early, it’s difficult. He wants to see me again and really likes me.

Show quote history

If you want to see him again go for it. But go for it with the intention in mind that your going to get the bottom of it all regarding ex wife dd and the money....be very wary tho lovie xx

YRGAM · 29/07/2023 12:28

This website is ridiculous sometimes

Father doesn't see child = father's fault
Mother doesn't see child = also the father's fault

porridgeisbae · 29/07/2023 12:28

I think the fact he pays her so much money… I’ve never heard of this situation before

Because it might not be true.

And ok he's giving her money so he isn't seen to not be supporting her. But he didn't support her in the ways a husband should support his wife, emotionally etc. He left a woman when she was ill, that's pretty low.

Plus remember @Flutterbye22 that you can't necessarily believe everything he's telling you. x

lostparcel · 29/07/2023 12:51

This does seem a bit odd.

If I were you I would see what you can find online about him and her. FB, insta, etc.

If your gut instinct says something is wrong then it probably is.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 13:00

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 29/07/2023 11:34

The only women I know of that ended up alone and isolated with serious mental health issues were the ones who were badly abused in their marriages.

This makes me really sad. 😞

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 13:01

porridgeisbae · 29/07/2023 12:28

I think the fact he pays her so much money… I’ve never heard of this situation before

Because it might not be true.

And ok he's giving her money so he isn't seen to not be supporting her. But he didn't support her in the ways a husband should support his wife, emotionally etc. He left a woman when she was ill, that's pretty low.

Plus remember @Flutterbye22 that you can't necessarily believe everything he's telling you. x

Very true. Aware he’s only giving his biased account of the story. I may never know. I don’t think I even want to know. I don’t wish to get involved.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 13:03

YRGAM · 29/07/2023 12:28

This website is ridiculous sometimes

Father doesn't see child = father's fault
Mother doesn't see child = also the father's fault

I was aware of this double standard too.

There could be a whole host of reasons / possibilities for this scenario. She may genuinely not be seeing her daughter due to how unwell she is. I mean, as a woman, I find that difficult to understand, but it could definitely be a part of her mental health presentation.

If I was to continue here, I would 100% be advocating for her to still see her daughter. She probably needs a lot of support not vilifying.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 13:05

mewkins · 29/07/2023 11:47

Sounds like he is trying to justify to you why he should be considered decent even though he left his unwell ex wife. To me it sounds like he pays her money and she's disappeared from their lives. Nothing about this is surprising (let alone 'wild' - what does that even mean?!) In the world of online dating.

Perhaps my use of the word ‘wild’ was wrong to use here. I just find it very, very, very unusual!

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 29/07/2023 13:08

Alcemeg · 29/07/2023 12:10

I think you're right to be careful/suspicious, but you still know virtually nothing about him. Maybe keep an open mind for a bit longer?

Someone who reveals such in depth details about their finances and their exes mental health on a first date, then refuses to take no for an answer and instead calls you to 'persuade' you to continue seeing them is not a healthy option when it comes to a relationship.

It shows at best a complete lack of boundaries and a tendency to not listen to 'no',

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 13:12

monsteramunch · 29/07/2023 13:08

Someone who reveals such in depth details about their finances and their exes mental health on a first date, then refuses to take no for an answer and instead calls you to 'persuade' you to continue seeing them is not a healthy option when it comes to a relationship.

It shows at best a complete lack of boundaries and a tendency to not listen to 'no',

Show quote history

You are right.

OP posts:
AsterixAndPersimmon · 29/07/2023 13:22

Flutterbye22 · 28/07/2023 21:43

Apparently she doesn’t want to see their daughter. Doesn’t leave the house. Very unwell mentally.

I am wary. Something feels off. Also don’t like how he’s paying her so much. It’s enabling her. Will that be for the rest of her life?!

Show quote history

Ouch….

Giving money to someone who is clearly unwell/disabled is somehow enabling her??

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 13:26

YRGAM · 29/07/2023 12:28

This website is ridiculous sometimes

Father doesn't see child = father's fault
Mother doesn't see child = also the father's fault

Fathers not bothering about their kids is the default, the vat majority of single parents on the UK are women.

It's not the default for women and when you read about significant mh problems,; that's a clear factor.

Then the natural question of what support has and is being given by their nearest & dearest and by those who have a responsibility towards them crops up; apparently this woman has a distinct lack of family support so he was her nearest and dearest, he had a responsibility towards her ...... And he's divorced her within 5 years of their child being born, pays out for her (entirely of his own accord or not?), hired a live in nanny to supplant her, and is out dating, with a view to his next serious relationship/marriage.

So how exactly is he not a factor in her MH struggles not being consistently tackled with full support from her husband, for a reasonable period of time. Which is not a few short years after a birth that could have contributed to PND or psychosis, anxiety etc.

TheoTheopolis23 · 29/07/2023 13:30

monsteramunch · 29/07/2023 13:08

Someone who reveals such in depth details about their finances and their exes mental health on a first date, then refuses to take no for an answer and instead calls you to 'persuade' you to continue seeing them is not a healthy option when it comes to a relationship.

It shows at best a complete lack of boundaries and a tendency to not listen to 'no',

Show quote history

Yep.

You have wonder what his relationship with his ex wife was like.

AsterixAndPersimmon · 29/07/2023 13:39

Fwiw, having seen first hand the ‘help’ available fur people with MH issues.

There is none.
@Flutterbye22 you say that surely there should be some support etc… But if i look at a friend if mine, there isn’t.
That friend isn’t going out for weeks at a time, struggles to cook for herself etc…. And there is no help. Only the fear that PIP might be taken away from her. After that, counselling is out - only CBT online. Despite the fact her psychiatrist advised talking therapies and EMRD, not CBT, due to trauma. So no help for her to ‘get over it’ either… only meds that can only go so far.

So it feels like the story is probably right, up to a point.

Doesn’t mean this guy is a great person though. He still left his wife when she was at her lowest 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
He spent a hell of time talking about his ex. Who does that in a first date?
The ex is ‘crazy’ in that case literally according to him.

i wouldn’t be happy with that.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 13:45

AsterixAndPersimmon · 29/07/2023 13:22

Ouch….

Giving money to someone who is clearly unwell/disabled is somehow enabling her??

Show quote history

OK ok I take it back, my bad! I honestly don’t know the severity of her mh issues! It’s kind of not my business, but at the same time it is if I wish to continue dating this man - which to be honest, I don’t think that I do.

OP posts:
AsterixAndPersimmon · 29/07/2023 13:51

I’d trust your guts.

If on the first date, you are so uncomfortable, uneasy that you have to come to MN, then he isn’t right fur you.
You shouldnt be asking yourself all those questions, running different scenarios etc… after a first date (apart maybe hoe steamy the first sex night could be?)

You don’t need a reason to stop seeing him. And know you have MN approval for stepping back if that helps you 😀😀

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 13:52

AsterixAndPersimmon · 29/07/2023 13:39

Fwiw, having seen first hand the ‘help’ available fur people with MH issues.

There is none.
@Flutterbye22 you say that surely there should be some support etc… But if i look at a friend if mine, there isn’t.
That friend isn’t going out for weeks at a time, struggles to cook for herself etc…. And there is no help. Only the fear that PIP might be taken away from her. After that, counselling is out - only CBT online. Despite the fact her psychiatrist advised talking therapies and EMRD, not CBT, due to trauma. So no help for her to ‘get over it’ either… only meds that can only go so far.

So it feels like the story is probably right, up to a point.

Doesn’t mean this guy is a great person though. He still left his wife when she was at her lowest 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️
He spent a hell of time talking about his ex. Who does that in a first date?
The ex is ‘crazy’ in that case literally according to him.

i wouldn’t be happy with that.

No, I’m not best pleased with it either. He shouldn’t have done that to her, and to be honest, he shouldn’t have done that to me on a first date either. It’s far too heavy and full on. A first date is an introduction and should be kept light in my opinion. I happily would’ve listened and taken it all on board had our relationship developed further.

It has left far too many question marks, and from speaking with you all on here, I don’t think continuing with this is the best idea. I’m highly concerned that he’s left his ex wife without any support and painted her in a very poor light. He sounds bitter.

Terribly sorry to hear about your friend. EMDR is a very effective therapy for trauma. If you have a look on the counselling directory, there are therapists who offer low cost options, I don’t know if this is of any help to her. In the NHS, they’d usually offer EMDR if other therapy types such as CBT have been unsuccessful. Though it is a bit of a postcode lottery as quality of NHS services vary and are rather dependent on where you are living.

OP posts:
Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 13:55

AsterixAndPersimmon · 29/07/2023 13:51

I’d trust your guts.

If on the first date, you are so uncomfortable, uneasy that you have to come to MN, then he isn’t right fur you.
You shouldnt be asking yourself all those questions, running different scenarios etc… after a first date (apart maybe hoe steamy the first sex night could be?)

You don’t need a reason to stop seeing him. And know you have MN approval for stepping back if that helps you 😀😀

Thanks. I appreciate your words.

my problem is I’m a massive over thinker… that’s what has brought me here. I’m so worried I’ll over think and write decent people off, because at the end of the day, no one is perfect, and we all come with some degree of baggage…

OP posts:
Voowoo · 29/07/2023 14:03

My mum's neighbour has Alzheimer's, her ex husband comes to tend to her daily. He left their shared house before it was diagnosed (she kicked him out). He still pays towards the house and is the only person who's helpful to her, but he's also moved on with his own life as much as he can, presumably with dating etc too. He still cares about her though, clearly.

Life can be crazily complicated, and I think my mum's neighbours ex husband (whew 😂) is being as good a man as he can be in the circumstances (picking up the slack because no one else can, it must be hard in so many ways).

However, if it was me, I'd avoid your man. Because I wouldn't want the mess and complications impacting my life. But I wouldn't automatically think it was weird.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 14:21

Voowoo · 29/07/2023 14:03

My mum's neighbour has Alzheimer's, her ex husband comes to tend to her daily. He left their shared house before it was diagnosed (she kicked him out). He still pays towards the house and is the only person who's helpful to her, but he's also moved on with his own life as much as he can, presumably with dating etc too. He still cares about her though, clearly.

Life can be crazily complicated, and I think my mum's neighbours ex husband (whew 😂) is being as good a man as he can be in the circumstances (picking up the slack because no one else can, it must be hard in so many ways).

However, if it was me, I'd avoid your man. Because I wouldn't want the mess and complications impacting my life. But I wouldn't automatically think it was weird.

Aww, what a lovely man! 💙 Reflecting the best in humanity there.

I don’t want the stress or complications either.

OP posts:
mewkins · 29/07/2023 14:49

Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 13:05

Perhaps my use of the word ‘wild’ was wrong to use here. I just find it very, very, very unusual!

Show quote history

Ah I wasn't sure if you meant far fetched.

JibbaJab · 29/07/2023 14:59

It's hard to judge without knowing more but it could also be a case that the mother is not mentally well and is unstable. As in, maybe he didn't leave her at her lowest but instead left because there was no hope and for the welfare of the child, he now has custody. He could be twisting things but then again he may not be and has over shared.

Weird to share that much early on but may be innocent.

The money is likely the mortgage and not actually money directly for her to spend, I would say. If it is then that's odd...

I'm going through similar with my wife, although it's fairly complicated and more along lines of abuse but she's always been out there and wouldn't get help. She has taken everything including our children and I'm going through court as I've not had contact in months. I'm trying get them living with me as she has never been stable and there are welfare concerns as well.

That's maybe one way you will get more of an idea. Does he have a court order for that custody due to this or has he just taken them outside of court...

If it's the latter, wouldn't be so sure myself.

Always that old saying, if in doubt do nowt.

Original poster
Flutterbye22 · 29/07/2023 19:47

JibbaJab · 29/07/2023 14:59

It's hard to judge without knowing more but it could also be a case that the mother is not mentally well and is unstable. As in, maybe he didn't leave her at her lowest but instead left because there was no hope and for the welfare of the child, he now has custody. He could be twisting things but then again he may not be and has over shared.

Weird to share that much early on but may be innocent.

The money is likely the mortgage and not actually money directly for her to spend, I would say. If it is then that's odd...

I'm going through similar with my wife, although it's fairly complicated and more along lines of abuse but she's always been out there and wouldn't get help. She has taken everything including our children and I'm going through court as I've not had contact in months. I'm trying get them living with me as she has never been stable and there are welfare concerns as well.

That's maybe one way you will get more of an idea. Does he have a court order for that custody due to this or has he just taken them outside of court...

If it's the latter, wouldn't be so sure myself.

Always that old saying, if in doubt do nowt.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

It’s really good to hear your side of things as it shows a totally different side to it all.

I guess I don’t know - get the impression he took their daughter out of welfare concerns. He didn’t want her exposed to mum mh issues and I don’t know the extent of it. He lives 10-15 mins away from her.

OP posts: