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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Caught dp cheating

159 replies

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:06

Hi all, looking for some opinions!

I’ve been away for a few days, dp stayed home. I set up a hidden camera that I could watch from my phone. Now I know that sounds terrible! But hear me out…

he cheated on me in the past and brought someone to my home when I was away. So this time my insecurities led me to want to see if it would happen again. There’s a lot to it but the past few weeks he has made me do an std test (why would I need to do that if he’s the only guy I’m sleeping with for 8 years and if he’s not cheating?) once it came back negative he’s made me take another 2 weeks later!! He’s extremely protective over his phone, it’s completely hidden from me I haven’t known the password in years now.

since being away he has FaceTimed me a lot throughout the days. This NEVER happens. He doesn’t call or text me unless it’s telling me to do something for him. Nevertheless I thought he was being sweet, he was texting me how much he missed me and how lonely he was (this correlated with what I could see on the camera - him sitting on the sofa by himself when messaging me).

yesterday he FaceTimed a few times and then in the evening just before he finished his shift at work. He then FaceTimed me as soon as he got home too, I didn’t think much of it as he just asked about my day etc. when he hung up I noticed he switched off all of the lights in the home, turned his PlayStation on to YouTube very loud but then disappeared for a good 30mins. This was VERY unusual as he wouldn’t just sit in the dark and also wasn’t watching tv (he would never leave the tv/PlayStation on if he wasn’t watching it).

after watching for a while I heard a ‘moan’ over the sound of the loud tv. My heart Instantly dropped and I knew straight away what was going on. The camera was set up in the living room but he was clearly with someone in the bedroom. I heard a few more woman’s moans over the tv - which were clearly not coming from the tv as it was playing a YouTube video of a man vlogging food!

I called back to back and he kept declining all of my calls (wierd considering he had been calling me so much) and he would reply on text within a few seconds but not answer the call. He texted that he was playing his PlayStation game and winning so couldn’t answer - this made it all clear it was the biggest lie as I was watching the living room and he wasn’t even in the room let alone playing the PlayStation! (The PlayStation was on YouTube not a game).

next moment I see his legs running across the living room (the only place I could hide the camera was quite low so would only show the lower legs). He then switched the PlayStation onto a game and called me back (clearly trying to prove he was playing a game so I could hear in the background). He was very blunt on the phone and hung up quickly and I then watched him run out of the living room back to the bedroom.

not long later he then appeared in the living room again and was talking to a woman. I could hear the woman’s voice but she was around the corner out of the view of the camera. The sound quality wasn’t great but I’m sure she said ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ to him. After talking some more they then left, he returned home around 20 minutes later, switched back on all of the lights and text me that he doesn’t want to wash the dishes…. Just a random statement to make me think everything’s normal at home and he’s washing dishes! Little did he know I could see what his game plan was!

he clearly only double FaceTimed me before leaving work and when coming home because he wanted to make sure he could see where I was with no chance of me coming home.

I eventually got through to him on FaceTime after and told him where the camera was and how I saw everything. He has been completely denying it, saying I am crazy and delusional etc and that he would never do something like that (let’s ignore the fact he did it in the past)! I should also add that I screen recorded the videos of him running back and forth, with the sound of the moaning and the woman talking in my home. I even have a recording when she is telling him ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ and at the same time a texts comes through to my phone from him telling me he might show up to where I am staying! That’s how sleazy he is.

anyway, he is completely denying it and telling me I am crazy delusional and brushing off the videos etc. he has lied to his mother and she has told me he said it was the sound of the tv I could hear… I know I am right I know what I saw but I feel like no one will believe me!

can I have opinions? I know it was wrong to put a hidden camera but it was my last resort

OP posts:
ErikaReadsTheDailyMail · 27/07/2023 19:09

This is never going to get better.
Also none of this is normal.
You know that.
And you deserve better.
Are you going to leave him?

Nanny0gg · 27/07/2023 19:09

LTB

Restinggoddess · 27/07/2023 19:10

I think you know what to do - he cheated.
He probably thought he had all bases covered but with your comment re the camera he has moved to gaslight mode

You deserve better

wineandcheeseplease · 27/07/2023 19:13

Leave

Mummy2022FT · 27/07/2023 19:13

I can't believe what I've just read. What a vile man. Please don't put up with this crap

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:17

I feel like I’m losing faith in what I saw! I wish I had a better camera angle. I no way thought he’d take someone to my bedroom I thought he’d use the sofa. I wish I had some sort of physical proof of her on the camera but I only have her voice

OP posts:
NotNowGertrude · 27/07/2023 19:18

Surely this is the end for you

LadyLolaRuben · 27/07/2023 19:21

This isn't healthy.
You suspected him of cheating and you caught him cheating.
Clearly a woman saying that he better not be sneaking about suggests he's got form for "cheating" on her too.
What more evidence do you need?
Are you really going to stay with a man who puts your life a risk - insisting on STI tests?
What more does he have to do for you to end things?

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:33

Restinggoddess · 27/07/2023 19:10

I think you know what to do - he cheated.
He probably thought he had all bases covered but with your comment re the camera he has moved to gaslight mode

You deserve better

The gaslighting is the part I struggle with. I even second guess myself

OP posts:
Dontknowwhyidoit · 27/07/2023 19:34

Go with your gut, better to be on your own than with someone you can't trust and has you second guessing yourself. That's a world of pain and no one is worth it.

honeyandfizz · 27/07/2023 19:39

If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck......

Come on OP how much proof do you actually need? He is a complete loser, fuck him and his lying arse. Got you to do an STD test twice? Sounds romantic!!

airey · 27/07/2023 19:42

Woah, this is sever gaslighting isn’t it.! What a horrible man.

remember, even if you didn’t physically see him with a woman, why would he say he was playing PlayStation when he clearly wasn’t!

listen to your own brain. You have the proof. Now it’s time to get your life back x

OhComeOnFFS · 27/07/2023 19:42

I don't blame you for doing what you did. Cheating can make the other person feel like they are going crazy and that's on him.

The problem is that you can't trust him, you're right not to trust him, he's a liar and a cheat and a gaslighter, so you can't possibly want to stay with him, can you?

Do you have children together?

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:44

LadyLolaRuben · 27/07/2023 19:21

This isn't healthy.
You suspected him of cheating and you caught him cheating.
Clearly a woman saying that he better not be sneaking about suggests he's got form for "cheating" on her too.
What more evidence do you need?
Are you really going to stay with a man who puts your life a risk - insisting on STI tests?
What more does he have to do for you to end things?

I agree with all of this. I know this is extremely unhealthy and not normal at all. Just the idea of him ‘messaging’ another woman would have been grounds for me to leave him in the past. I don’t know how it’s gotten to this stage and I don’t know why I am so calm about this?

OP posts:
TossieFleacake · 27/07/2023 19:45

You don't need any more evidence. Your relationship is dead.
Other women in the bedroom and cameras in the living room.
Why put yourself through this when you can be so much happier?

AskingForAFriend12 · 27/07/2023 19:50

This relationship is over. Surely you can see that.

Bb234 · 27/07/2023 19:51

You have your proof, why is it so important he admits it to you?
why are you wasting your precious time and effort on this? For what purpose? Yes okay he admits it, then what?
just leave him, the fact you went to great lengths to catch him out is next level.
The fact you stayed the first time he cheated as well. Just walk away he’s never going to change and your only going to get more elaborate to catch him out the more crazy his lies get

Threemyopicmice · 27/07/2023 19:56

This must be very upsetting for you OP but you said,

"he cheated on me in the past and brought someone to my home when I was away"

so you know he has form.

I don't normally rush to say LTB, but this time I'm doing just that.

Dotcheck · 27/07/2023 19:57

He cheated previously and you ( rightly) don’t trust him.
You’re doing some crazy stuff here to prove a point.

Just release yourself from this relationship, you don’t need any big hurtful reason.

YoSof · 27/07/2023 19:57

Well if you stay with him, don’t waste any more time and money on camera just accept that he’ll be fucking other women whenever he can. Forgive this and you’re basically just giving him the green light.

You know he’s cheated again. You don’t need to over analyse it and question it you already know.

So now what?

LadyLolaRuben · 27/07/2023 19:59

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:44

I agree with all of this. I know this is extremely unhealthy and not normal at all. Just the idea of him ‘messaging’ another woman would have been grounds for me to leave him in the past. I don’t know how it’s gotten to this stage and I don’t know why I am so calm about this?

I've been in a similar position. Its got to this point because he gaslights and its been a slow decline. You've gradually acclimatised to his bad behaviour. You're calm because its confirmed what you suspected. Deep down you knew it would come to this but wanted firm evidence. Come on OP you're worth so much more than this x

NooNaNa · 27/07/2023 19:59

And now you leave him, block him and live happily every after.

Tannedandfake · 27/07/2023 20:00

Opinions??
You set up a camera in your own home to ‘catch him out’
It was already over before this point

ExtraOnions · 27/07/2023 20:00

You can leave a relationship for any reason you want, you don’t have to hunt about for proof. If you get to the point where you are setting up hidden cameras it’s probably dead in the water.

The moaning could be porn … not that it matters
Not answering the phone, wanking whilst watching said porn .. not that it matters.
The voice could easily be the TV … not that it matters
You didn’t catch any sight of this woman … not that it matters

What matters is that this relationship is over.

i do think your recording proves anything, but, you are in a failed relationship.. get out now before you drive yourself up the wall

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 27/07/2023 20:03

Surely this situation makes you unhappy before you put the camera up you were unhappy and that’s enough reason to end the relationship.

Don’t get into the ins and outs of what has gone on. Only communicate with him regarding practical matters regarding splitting up. Do not engage in listening to his gaslighting bullshit.

Who cares what his mother thinks she will stick but him. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

Who’s house is it? Is it mortgaged? Can he move out?