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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Caught dp cheating

159 replies

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:06

Hi all, looking for some opinions!

I’ve been away for a few days, dp stayed home. I set up a hidden camera that I could watch from my phone. Now I know that sounds terrible! But hear me out…

he cheated on me in the past and brought someone to my home when I was away. So this time my insecurities led me to want to see if it would happen again. There’s a lot to it but the past few weeks he has made me do an std test (why would I need to do that if he’s the only guy I’m sleeping with for 8 years and if he’s not cheating?) once it came back negative he’s made me take another 2 weeks later!! He’s extremely protective over his phone, it’s completely hidden from me I haven’t known the password in years now.

since being away he has FaceTimed me a lot throughout the days. This NEVER happens. He doesn’t call or text me unless it’s telling me to do something for him. Nevertheless I thought he was being sweet, he was texting me how much he missed me and how lonely he was (this correlated with what I could see on the camera - him sitting on the sofa by himself when messaging me).

yesterday he FaceTimed a few times and then in the evening just before he finished his shift at work. He then FaceTimed me as soon as he got home too, I didn’t think much of it as he just asked about my day etc. when he hung up I noticed he switched off all of the lights in the home, turned his PlayStation on to YouTube very loud but then disappeared for a good 30mins. This was VERY unusual as he wouldn’t just sit in the dark and also wasn’t watching tv (he would never leave the tv/PlayStation on if he wasn’t watching it).

after watching for a while I heard a ‘moan’ over the sound of the loud tv. My heart Instantly dropped and I knew straight away what was going on. The camera was set up in the living room but he was clearly with someone in the bedroom. I heard a few more woman’s moans over the tv - which were clearly not coming from the tv as it was playing a YouTube video of a man vlogging food!

I called back to back and he kept declining all of my calls (wierd considering he had been calling me so much) and he would reply on text within a few seconds but not answer the call. He texted that he was playing his PlayStation game and winning so couldn’t answer - this made it all clear it was the biggest lie as I was watching the living room and he wasn’t even in the room let alone playing the PlayStation! (The PlayStation was on YouTube not a game).

next moment I see his legs running across the living room (the only place I could hide the camera was quite low so would only show the lower legs). He then switched the PlayStation onto a game and called me back (clearly trying to prove he was playing a game so I could hear in the background). He was very blunt on the phone and hung up quickly and I then watched him run out of the living room back to the bedroom.

not long later he then appeared in the living room again and was talking to a woman. I could hear the woman’s voice but she was around the corner out of the view of the camera. The sound quality wasn’t great but I’m sure she said ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ to him. After talking some more they then left, he returned home around 20 minutes later, switched back on all of the lights and text me that he doesn’t want to wash the dishes…. Just a random statement to make me think everything’s normal at home and he’s washing dishes! Little did he know I could see what his game plan was!

he clearly only double FaceTimed me before leaving work and when coming home because he wanted to make sure he could see where I was with no chance of me coming home.

I eventually got through to him on FaceTime after and told him where the camera was and how I saw everything. He has been completely denying it, saying I am crazy and delusional etc and that he would never do something like that (let’s ignore the fact he did it in the past)! I should also add that I screen recorded the videos of him running back and forth, with the sound of the moaning and the woman talking in my home. I even have a recording when she is telling him ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ and at the same time a texts comes through to my phone from him telling me he might show up to where I am staying! That’s how sleazy he is.

anyway, he is completely denying it and telling me I am crazy delusional and brushing off the videos etc. he has lied to his mother and she has told me he said it was the sound of the tv I could hear… I know I am right I know what I saw but I feel like no one will believe me!

can I have opinions? I know it was wrong to put a hidden camera but it was my last resort

OP posts:
Morewineplease10 · 28/07/2023 09:03

So you have clear evidence and he is still gaslighting you.

You don't need him to admit it to know he's a lying cheating bastard. His word isn't worth more than yours. The opposite in fact.

Who cares what his mum says?

Leave him today or kick him out.

Livinghappy · 28/07/2023 09:04

equally I cannot continue living my life with someone that treats me this way

This is all you need to focus on. I know you are trying to weigh up your happiness vs the children but YOU are important and if you are with someone who you can't trust then it's damaging to you. There is physical stress associated with living like this and it can lead to ill health.

How old are the children?

perfectcolourfound · 28/07/2023 09:11

You KNOW he cheated in the past.
You KNOW he cheated now.
You KNOW he continues to lie to you.
You KNOW he's been cheating a while, otherwise why insist on the STD test?
You KNOW he's gaslighting you.

This is plenty to know this is not a good relationship, he doesn't respect you, and shows little love for you (even your comment that he normally only messages you to tell you to do something for him made my toes curl).

Your children will be fine if you leave. They will likely benefit - no child benefits from living with parents who shouldn't be together. They will be fine.

AuntMarch · 28/07/2023 09:11

It doesn't matter if nobody believes you, does it? You can leave a relationship for any reason that makes you want to leave it!

FunkyMonks · 28/07/2023 09:22

Leave this isn't good for you at all the trust has gone not normal to having to record your husband in the house when you aren't there.

He's clearly cheating again for sure and will try and keep denying this making you think you've lost the plot trust what you heard and go with your gut instinct.

Sherrycat · 28/07/2023 09:24

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 20:46

Thank you for all the responses.

this is 100% more than enough to end things.

the part that holds me back in all of this is our dc. My children adore their father and love having mommy and daddy living together. It breaks my heart the thought of them experiencing their parents breaking up, not living with both their parents together and all of the little daily traditions they have at home with their dad. I feel selfish putting my feelings over my children’s as I know it will greatly affect them and they’d be so upset to not have their dad at home.

equally I cannot continue living my life with someone that treats me this way.

My dad cheated on my mum numerous times, over a period of about 7yrs. She kicked him out when I was little & I never held a grudge. I would have been more annoyed if she stayed longer for my sake. I would have felt terrible that she continued to put up with that crap just for me.

Whataretheodds · 28/07/2023 10:29

Having children just makes it clearer- do not expose them to a dysfunctional relationship.

What more needs to happen before you kick him out?

Helloforum123 · 28/07/2023 14:24

Hi everyone, thanks for all of the responses!

I agree with you all. I know mentally how wrong this situation is and how it cannot continue. It’s time I put my foot down. I know I shouldn’t use the children as an excuse and wouldn’t want them to think this is normal.

BUT, they are very young and have no idea about these ‘adult’ things that are going on between me and their father. They Ofcourse don’t know he’s cheating and don’t see much negativity between us. That’s where I feel like I don’t want to put my emotions before their happiness.

I feel so torn but either way I don’t think it’s possible to continue living together.

I haven’t returned home yet and not sure how I will approach the situation with him. I don’t want to give him any opportunity to try and lie or manipulate any more. I can’t face the thought of sleeping in my bed again that’s for sure!

I’ve been thinking over things today and realising how bad this is. He brought a woman, a stranger into my home my children’s safe place! She now knows where I live, how to get inside my building, what door number I am, what is inside my home, what’s inside my bedroom and has seen my things in my room. Not only that but after listening through the videos she also said my name twice! So she either knows me/of me and knows my name yet I have no idea who this woman is that has been in my home…

OP posts:
LifeExperience · 28/07/2023 14:44

You don't need proof to end the relationship. I am loathe to say this when there are children involved, but ltb. He's a serial cheater. Cheaters rarely, if ever stop, so he will continue to cheat on you again and again. No one should put up with that.

Flashingtealights · 28/07/2023 15:25

You say you're children are too young to understand what's going on. This won't be the case forever. Parents that stay together in toxic relationships, and this IS a toxic relationship, damage their children. It's easy to think you are saving them pain by staying together but you only have to speak to adults who were raised in homes where the parents were unhappy, it fucks them up. Gaslighting is emotional abuse. Children learn emotional abuse from childhood. It becomes a part of them, they carry it with them as adults,either as victim or perpetrator. Please don't stay with a man who shows you such little respect for the sake of your children. You are not doing them any favours .

Emmamoo89 · 28/07/2023 15:43

LTB

MNetcurtains · 28/07/2023 15:49

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:17

I feel like I’m losing faith in what I saw! I wish I had a better camera angle. I no way thought he’d take someone to my bedroom I thought he’d use the sofa. I wish I had some sort of physical proof of her on the camera but I only have her voice

The STD test says it all. I can't believe you've any doubt.

Namechange666 · 28/07/2023 15:56

Wow the lengths cheaters will go to gaslight their partners, look at how he has planned it. Get rid. He has form as well.

chocobaby · 28/07/2023 16:29

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:17

I feel like I’m losing faith in what I saw! I wish I had a better camera angle. I no way thought he’d take someone to my bedroom I thought he’d use the sofa. I wish I had some sort of physical proof of her on the camera but I only have her voice

This was clearly what he wanted OP! You’re now denying your own senses. This is what he wanted! Why has he been asking you to take STD tests? Did you ask him?
another woman who would accept abuse and gaslighting to remain in a relationship.

chocobaby · 28/07/2023 16:33

The fact that your kids are young is the more reason to walk away now and give him all the freedom he needs to sling his sorry dick all over the nation while you walk away with your dignity to protect yourself and your kids. you and your kids deserve so much more than that pathetic sorry excuse of a cheating man

pinkyredrose · 28/07/2023 16:49

Just dump this arsehole

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 16:52

You didn't see the woman on camera? Sure it's not porn or a web cam girl?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 16:52

But I mean the sti tests.,, they say it all really

Nn9011 · 28/07/2023 16:59

They may not be old enough to know yet but all psychology shows that children are better with happy separated parents than living in a household with an unhappy marriage.
You are their role model to show them what a healthy adult relationship should be but beyond that you deserve better for yourself. You deserve to be loved and respected by someone, not treated like this.

Helloforum123 · 28/07/2023 19:57

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 16:52

You didn't see the woman on camera? Sure it's not porn or a web cam girl?

No, the only place I could hide the camera that he wouldn’t see (it had to be plugged in) was near the tv in the living room under the cabinet. So the only view was of the sofa/entrance to the kitchen. I thought that would cover bases I didn’t dare think he’d take the woman to the bedroom! The last time he brought a woman to mine they used the sofa (yuck!).

It couldn’t have been porn as I heard them standing talking to eachother, the woman even said my name and his name (she asked him when I would be back). Was not a webcam girl as again, there was definitley someone standing talking to him and after they finished talking I heard the door open and they pressed the lift outside my door (which you can hear the loud lift bell ding when it arrived). He then left with her and returned alone 20 minutes later

OP posts:
Helloforum123 · 28/07/2023 20:01

chocobaby · 28/07/2023 16:29

This was clearly what he wanted OP! You’re now denying your own senses. This is what he wanted! Why has he been asking you to take STD tests? Did you ask him?
another woman who would accept abuse and gaslighting to remain in a relationship.

I asked so many times about the std test, why do I need to do it, has he been sleeping with someone else etc and he either ignored me or completely denied sleeping with anyone else.

he then resorted to telling me he didn’t trust me and that’s why he wants me to get the test done. I also asked has he done a test he said no multiple diffefent occasions. I told him in the end I wouldn’t get the test done the second time (I obviously did but just told him I wouldn’t) unless he told me why. If he couldn’t tell me why or get it done himself then I obviously don’t need to.

I thought this would make him HAVE to tell me in the end but he then told me he just wouldn’t sleep with me until it’s done. He said quote ‘just get it done and we can move on with our lives’

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 28/07/2023 20:07

I thought as much just double checking.

He is a wrong un im so sorry but you have your evidence now xx

Shapemyeyebrows · 28/07/2023 20:32

@Helloforum123 it sounds like he found out he had an STI, got it cleared but needed to check he hadn’t passed it onto you before he slept with you again. Then if you had tested positive he would have no doubt blamed you for it.

Crikeyalmighty · 28/07/2023 20:41

It's clearly someone he knows and knows him well enough to know your name

Sistedtwister · 28/07/2023 20:42

Seriously .... he 'made' you get an STD test, how did he do that? How can one afult make another adult have a medical test.

you dont need any evidence. Tell him to fuck the fuck off