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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Caught dp cheating

159 replies

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:06

Hi all, looking for some opinions!

I’ve been away for a few days, dp stayed home. I set up a hidden camera that I could watch from my phone. Now I know that sounds terrible! But hear me out…

he cheated on me in the past and brought someone to my home when I was away. So this time my insecurities led me to want to see if it would happen again. There’s a lot to it but the past few weeks he has made me do an std test (why would I need to do that if he’s the only guy I’m sleeping with for 8 years and if he’s not cheating?) once it came back negative he’s made me take another 2 weeks later!! He’s extremely protective over his phone, it’s completely hidden from me I haven’t known the password in years now.

since being away he has FaceTimed me a lot throughout the days. This NEVER happens. He doesn’t call or text me unless it’s telling me to do something for him. Nevertheless I thought he was being sweet, he was texting me how much he missed me and how lonely he was (this correlated with what I could see on the camera - him sitting on the sofa by himself when messaging me).

yesterday he FaceTimed a few times and then in the evening just before he finished his shift at work. He then FaceTimed me as soon as he got home too, I didn’t think much of it as he just asked about my day etc. when he hung up I noticed he switched off all of the lights in the home, turned his PlayStation on to YouTube very loud but then disappeared for a good 30mins. This was VERY unusual as he wouldn’t just sit in the dark and also wasn’t watching tv (he would never leave the tv/PlayStation on if he wasn’t watching it).

after watching for a while I heard a ‘moan’ over the sound of the loud tv. My heart Instantly dropped and I knew straight away what was going on. The camera was set up in the living room but he was clearly with someone in the bedroom. I heard a few more woman’s moans over the tv - which were clearly not coming from the tv as it was playing a YouTube video of a man vlogging food!

I called back to back and he kept declining all of my calls (wierd considering he had been calling me so much) and he would reply on text within a few seconds but not answer the call. He texted that he was playing his PlayStation game and winning so couldn’t answer - this made it all clear it was the biggest lie as I was watching the living room and he wasn’t even in the room let alone playing the PlayStation! (The PlayStation was on YouTube not a game).

next moment I see his legs running across the living room (the only place I could hide the camera was quite low so would only show the lower legs). He then switched the PlayStation onto a game and called me back (clearly trying to prove he was playing a game so I could hear in the background). He was very blunt on the phone and hung up quickly and I then watched him run out of the living room back to the bedroom.

not long later he then appeared in the living room again and was talking to a woman. I could hear the woman’s voice but she was around the corner out of the view of the camera. The sound quality wasn’t great but I’m sure she said ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ to him. After talking some more they then left, he returned home around 20 minutes later, switched back on all of the lights and text me that he doesn’t want to wash the dishes…. Just a random statement to make me think everything’s normal at home and he’s washing dishes! Little did he know I could see what his game plan was!

he clearly only double FaceTimed me before leaving work and when coming home because he wanted to make sure he could see where I was with no chance of me coming home.

I eventually got through to him on FaceTime after and told him where the camera was and how I saw everything. He has been completely denying it, saying I am crazy and delusional etc and that he would never do something like that (let’s ignore the fact he did it in the past)! I should also add that I screen recorded the videos of him running back and forth, with the sound of the moaning and the woman talking in my home. I even have a recording when she is telling him ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ and at the same time a texts comes through to my phone from him telling me he might show up to where I am staying! That’s how sleazy he is.

anyway, he is completely denying it and telling me I am crazy delusional and brushing off the videos etc. he has lied to his mother and she has told me he said it was the sound of the tv I could hear… I know I am right I know what I saw but I feel like no one will believe me!

can I have opinions? I know it was wrong to put a hidden camera but it was my last resort

OP posts:
FuckNuggets · 27/07/2023 20:05

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 19:17

I feel like I’m losing faith in what I saw! I wish I had a better camera angle. I no way thought he’d take someone to my bedroom I thought he’d use the sofa. I wish I had some sort of physical proof of her on the camera but I only have her voice

Don't lose faith in what you saw, he's gaslighting you. But, in the end, it doesn't matter. Do you really want to be in a relationship where there's no trust? Where you have to resort to setting up hidden cameras and he's requesting you take STI tests? OP you deserve better than this. It's far better to be single, happy and have peace of mind than waste years on this pathetic piece of shit.

TheBeesKnee · 27/07/2023 20:09

OP, what do you want to happen?

Do you want him to admit it and apologize?

Do you want him to admit it and break up with you?

I'm so sorry that you're going through this but your obsession with the proof...? I think you have proof enough.

jelly79 · 27/07/2023 20:16

He broke your trust before
You are filming your husband because you are on edge
And don't trust him

There is enough evidence for you to never trust him again

Can you live like this?

SophiaElise · 27/07/2023 20:19

The fact that he's a partner not husband should make this easier. Just leave.

winterchills · 27/07/2023 20:30

You know what you need to do, dont let him convince you that your wrong.

sewerrat · 27/07/2023 20:32

its never going to change. take everything you can from him

Olika · 27/07/2023 20:34

Finish it. I would have already when he made you take STD tests.

Crikeyalmighty · 27/07/2023 20:39

Ignore what anyone says - I know exactly why you did this- sometimes you just need proof that you aren't going nuts imagining things. He's an absolute arse- the least he could do is say 'sorry, it's fair cop- let's sort out the separation fairly if that's what you want'

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/07/2023 20:39

What about the STD tests? Can he explain those?

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 20:46

Thank you for all the responses.

this is 100% more than enough to end things.

the part that holds me back in all of this is our dc. My children adore their father and love having mommy and daddy living together. It breaks my heart the thought of them experiencing their parents breaking up, not living with both their parents together and all of the little daily traditions they have at home with their dad. I feel selfish putting my feelings over my children’s as I know it will greatly affect them and they’d be so upset to not have their dad at home.

equally I cannot continue living my life with someone that treats me this way.

OP posts:
Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 20:47

OhcantthInkofaname · 27/07/2023 20:39

What about the STD tests? Can he explain those?

His explanation was completely denying sleeping with anyone/having an std himself and telling me he wanted to make sure I didn’t have anything…. Manipulated it to make it seem like I cheated…

OP posts:
vernonb · 27/07/2023 21:04

Sorry OP, I don't mean to sound disrespectful but is this for real??? Either you are living in a movie or just wrote the script for one. It's sound so OTT on his and your part!

If this is real, then I see no dilemma here! Dump the guy. Is there really any other options?

Helloforum123 · 27/07/2023 21:27

vernonb · 27/07/2023 21:04

Sorry OP, I don't mean to sound disrespectful but is this for real??? Either you are living in a movie or just wrote the script for one. It's sound so OTT on his and your part!

If this is real, then I see no dilemma here! Dump the guy. Is there really any other options?

I know this sounds so far fetched but it’s 100% real.

I’ve posted on mumsnet before and had many people say the same things not believing it’s real.

it seems like a no brainer that the only option is to get rid of him… which I would! Except we have children together which complicates the process

OP posts:
Shinytaps · 27/07/2023 21:35

Please get rid of him. Your kids should be the reason to get rid not the reason to stay. You all deserve better.

The STD tests thing is terrible. What if he really does bring one home? What a disrespectful tosser he is.

Bb234 · 27/07/2023 22:05

Please stop using your kids as an excuse to hang onto him, it doesn’t complicate anything. What your children see is you being mistreated and them thinking this is an okay example to have, for any future relationships they will have.

Time4achange2 · 27/07/2023 22:32

OP, you stay with him and you will become a mere shell of yourself and he will continue to cheat and gaslight you because he has got away with it before.

Do you really want to be complicit in your own abuse? You will be if you put up and shut up.

I know you're doubting yourself cos he's done such a good job on you, but you know what you heard and what excuse has he got to why he turned lights out, lied about playing games etc whilst he was shagging some other woman? Which he will continue to do

What is your financial/housing position? Can you LTB or throw him out?

You are stronger than you think. Believe in yourself and a better future ahead without this lowlife broken cheat who can't even OW. up to his piss poor behaviour. Your children deserve so much more. Good fathers do not treat the .other of their children so poorly.

Bin him please for your own sanity.

Shapemyeyebrows · 27/07/2023 23:04

@Helloforum123 I’m sorry you are going through this but I’m not sure what further confirmation you need? You KNOW he’s cheated previously, you know he’s still cheating after that video and him requesting you to get an STI test for YOU to prove you don’t have anything is just manipulative madness. There is absolutely zero point in you keep finding out things, staying with him, but then trying to catch him out again. You either need to leave him or accept you’re in an open relationship and that he will continue to cheat and lie. He’s not going to change so if you won’t leave him, this is your life. I understand it’s not easy when kids are involved but you have given him way too many chances already. If I threw an apple at your head, and I kept throwing more, would you stay stood there? Or would you move away? If you stay stood in this spot he is going to keep throwing this crap at you and you have been just standing there taking it.

Rogue1001MNer · 27/07/2023 23:14

Forget EVERYTHING about him (just for a second)
Forget is he wrong/is he right questions
Forget any and all potential bad behaviour b him
Or manipulation

Just look at and think about yourself.

And re-read your OP.

and ask yourself, is this you living your best (and only!) life?
Are you proud of who you are in the op?
Is that who your dc deserve to have as a mother?

Think about just that, and make your choice

sodthesodoff · 28/07/2023 07:54

Surely having kids is more reason to split up. You don't want them seeing this dysfunctional relationship and repeating it themselves.

I've posted before with the std thing. He gaslit you then. He's gaslighting you now

Besides which when you get to the stage of hidden cameras the relationships fucked. You're only going to destroy yourself. And that is definitely a good reason to split so your kids are not subjected to this.

NotNowGertrude · 28/07/2023 08:23

Your kids will be fine, you will be less stressed without having to deal with him & all this drama, they will still get time with their dad. That's not a reason to stay, they will get better quality time with you both. If you stay your mental health will slowly decline & you will be no use to your kids, leave now before he drags you down any further

Zanatdy · 28/07/2023 08:42

You can’t live like this, having to set up secret cameras. Do yourself a favour and walk away

LivingitLarge · 28/07/2023 08:48

It doesn’t matter if no one believes you. You know what happened and so does he, however much he denies it.

Out of interest, who is the woman? If she’s worried about him ‘sneaking around’ does she think she is in a relationship with him?

NioNioNio · 28/07/2023 08:49

Line your ducks up

AccidentallySuckedTheStrippersDick · 28/07/2023 08:54

Does anybody live opposite you? Or at the sides of you? If so just tell him you have seen screen footage of the woman coming out of your house. Tell him you are applying for a divorce immediately and do not engage with him. He will see you are sis and the truth will start leaking out in dribs and drabs.

But you don't need the truth. You already know what you saw. You already know he protects his phone and is cheating on you.

bealos · 28/07/2023 08:58

Sorry to be blunt but your children will be more secure and happier not living in a dysfunctional home.

Lots and lots of children split their time between mum and dad and everyone is happier.

I think the hardest bit will be he's unlikely to make this easy and will try and say it's all on you and he didn't do anything wrong. Get everything lined up and support around you. Tell your close friends and family what is happening and what support you need. Don't engage with him about anything apart from practical stuff around house/kids/money - and get legal help.

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