Caught dp cheating

[Helloforum123]

Hi all, looking for some opinions!

I’ve been away for a few days, dp stayed home. I set up a hidden camera that I could watch from my phone. Now I know that sounds terrible! But hear me out…

he cheated on me in the past and brought someone to my home when I was away. So this time my insecurities led me to want to see if it would happen again. There’s a lot to it but the past few weeks he has made me do an std test (why would I need to do that if he’s the only guy I’m sleeping with for 8 years and if he’s not cheating?) once it came back negative he’s made me take another 2 weeks later!! He’s extremely protective over his phone, it’s completely hidden from me I haven’t known the password in years now.

since being away he has FaceTimed me a lot throughout the days. This NEVER happens. He doesn’t call or text me unless it’s telling me to do something for him. Nevertheless I thought he was being sweet, he was texting me how much he missed me and how lonely he was (this correlated with what I could see on the camera - him sitting on the sofa by himself when messaging me).

yesterday he FaceTimed a few times and then in the evening just before he finished his shift at work. He then FaceTimed me as soon as he got home too, I didn’t think much of it as he just asked about my day etc. when he hung up I noticed he switched off all of the lights in the home, turned his PlayStation on to YouTube very loud but then disappeared for a good 30mins. This was VERY unusual as he wouldn’t just sit in the dark and also wasn’t watching tv (he would never leave the tv/PlayStation on if he wasn’t watching it).

after watching for a while I heard a ‘moan’ over the sound of the loud tv. My heart Instantly dropped and I knew straight away what was going on. The camera was set up in the living room but he was clearly with someone in the bedroom. I heard a few more woman’s moans over the tv - which were clearly not coming from the tv as it was playing a YouTube video of a man vlogging food!

I called back to back and he kept declining all of my calls (wierd considering he had been calling me so much) and he would reply on text within a few seconds but not answer the call. He texted that he was playing his PlayStation game and winning so couldn’t answer - this made it all clear it was the biggest lie as I was watching the living room and he wasn’t even in the room let alone playing the PlayStation! (The PlayStation was on YouTube not a game).

next moment I see his legs running across the living room (the only place I could hide the camera was quite low so would only show the lower legs). He then switched the PlayStation onto a game and called me back (clearly trying to prove he was playing a game so I could hear in the background). He was very blunt on the phone and hung up quickly and I then watched him run out of the living room back to the bedroom.

not long later he then appeared in the living room again and was talking to a woman. I could hear the woman’s voice but she was around the corner out of the view of the camera. The sound quality wasn’t great but I’m sure she said ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ to him. After talking some more they then left, he returned home around 20 minutes later, switched back on all of the lights and text me that he doesn’t want to wash the dishes…. Just a random statement to make me think everything’s normal at home and he’s washing dishes! Little did he know I could see what his game plan was!

he clearly only double FaceTimed me before leaving work and when coming home because he wanted to make sure he could see where I was with no chance of me coming home.

I eventually got through to him on FaceTime after and told him where the camera was and how I saw everything. He has been completely denying it, saying I am crazy and delusional etc and that he would never do something like that (let’s ignore the fact he did it in the past)! I should also add that I screen recorded the videos of him running back and forth, with the sound of the moaning and the woman talking in my home. I even have a recording when she is telling him ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ and at the same time a texts comes through to my phone from him telling me he might show up to where I am staying! That’s how sleazy he is.

anyway, he is completely denying it and telling me I am crazy delusional and brushing off the videos etc. he has lied to his mother and she has told me he said it was the sound of the tv I could hear… I know I am right I know what I saw but I feel like no one will believe me!

can I have opinions? I know it was wrong to put a hidden camera but it was my last resort

So true!

now I am confused.

me and his mother spent some time together today and she told me that she doesn’t believe he did it (slept with someone). She said she thinks he was watching porn. (Even though I showed her the recordings, she heard the woman say my name, she heard the moans, she saw his messages to me saying he was playing games whilst the video showed him not on the PlayStation etc). She also knows about the std tests and was the one telling me that he must be sleeping around and that’s why he wanted me to get the test done.

this instantly triggered me as I feel like no one believes me. She said that he told her he loves me why would he do that, that our relationship was going so great so why would he do that etc. he said I was just looking for trouble that’s why I set a camera up etc. she said he even swore on her life that he didn’t do it.

now that bothered me because she is believing him and I’ve tried to explain to her that is how manipulative he is that he will swear on his loved ones lives and still be lying. Now… I asked her, let’s theoretically say I didn’t have the proof or recordings, then what about the std tests? Does that alone not prove he’s cheating? What about the fact he hasn’t spoken to me in 1 week (which is extremely unlike him) does that not prove he’s guilty? What about the fact I haven’t cooked or washed his dishes and he hasn’t dared try to fight me about not doing it? Does that not prove he knows he’s messed up?

she also told me that he had asked her to babysit so that he can go out with me. That’s where I laughed. Why would he want to go out with me when he hasn’t spoken 1 word to me in 1 week? It’s funny how every time I have caught him out doing something he ‘suddenly’ wants to go out on dates with me… where was this energy throughout the whole relationship when I’m feeling lonely every day?

although she was very lovely and not meaning any harm, I feel like she’s delusional sometimes. She knows exactly what’s happening, I tell her every little detail she’s like a best friend to me. Equally I guess that’s her son and she doesn’t want him to lose me.

it’s really upsetting to me because all I have ever wanted is to spend time with him, go on dates with him etc. now it takes this for him to want to do that and right now I am not interested. In fact I keep envisioning being with other guys (not sexually) but wondering what it would be like to go on a date with someone else etc.

in short the way I feel about him is ‘CANT BE BOTHERED’. He’s done so much to hurt me over the years now I feel numb to it and actually just can’t be bothered with him

As lovely as his mother is you have to accept she is part of the problem.

She is at least partly why your partner behaves like a dick

Any normal parent whose adult child brings things to wash because they are seemingly unable and are giving their partner the silent treatment would tell them to fucking grow up.

She is not on your side. And never will be when it comes to him. She has infantilised him so he can do no wrong.

You need actual support. From people who will put you first.

I'm concerned you're still in this very toxic situation. With no real escape plan.

Get out.

I've seen first hand how manipulative these people can be. I too doubted myself and wasn't sure that what I saw was what I saw. It's standard for them to deny everything and gaslight you.

His mother is his mother, she wouldn't want to believe that her son could do anything that bad. Just get out.

I have a friend who ended up setting up a camera same as you, and she felt the exact same way you do, eventually she left and the truth was undeniable.

The 'swear on X's life' means nothing to a man who is a cheater.
They will swear on their dear mother's life or their own child's life. They don't view it in the way 'normal' people view it. To them, it's just noises, words uttered to get what they want.
How does his mother explain how you heard your own name? Bit of a coincidence if your name was said during a porn movie, isn't it?!

I think you're in danger of being gaslit by both him and by his mother. The mother probably isn't gaslighting you deliberately. It's a consequence of her delusion, like you say.

Having read all of your posts OP it looks very much to me like he is a coward and has been too cowardly to speak to you so like everything else he's got his mummy to do it for him. That's very sweet....he needs a punch in the face. A cheater and a coward. What a stellar father figure.

You don't need anyone to validate you or believe you, you just need to believe yourself. That's all that matters. Cheaters will never tell you the truth, there's no point trying. You know he's cheated you need to start believing in yourself & what your instincts are telling you

His mum is enabling him

Why are you still there?
It‘s irrelevant want BS his mother spouts - she loves him unconditionally and will do what it takes.
Why do you care?
Just leave.
Seriously.
You‘ll end up staying, wasting more of your life and your self-esteem will be nil. And staying will be your fault. Not his. He’s shown you what he is. Believe it.

Everything you've just about the mother I've been through!

She is not on your side. She wants to help manipulate you back to being with him because that's what her darling son wants, despite his wrong doing. Wether she means to intentionally be manipulative that is what she is doing.

I ended up screaming at her "he is lying to me and lying to you too! I feel sorry for you because you can't see it and has you right where he wants you!"

Just said about the mother

This is insane, OP. If you don't trust him to this extent - setting camera up and tracking his every like some sort of a private detective - your relationship is over. Honestly, why are you bothering with all this? Read it all back, you sound deranged - and I bet you are not deranged usually. What are you trying to prove? Just leave him, ffs. It will never work for the two of you.

Some mothers are delusional as it hurts them to be honest, my ex mother in law watched her son push me (9 months pregnant) into her living room wall after he had thrown a mug onto the air and punched it. She then shouted at me and tried to blame me as she was to scared to deal with her nutter of a son. He was stressed and needed weed and this was how he often behaved.

Update*

Today is day 12 that we haven’t spoken 1 word to eachother. We have completely steered clear of eachother at home - usually in different rooms.

today I could feel that he was going to speak to me soon. I knew I would continue to ignore whatever he had to say but I also knew it would be hard. It has been so much more easy for me to ignore him as he has given me space and not bothered me either.

it’s been peaceful for me these past 2 weeks. I have been able to go out as I please and have no one to stress me or upset me at home. He has just returned home from work tonight and has spoken to me.

as soon as he said my name my heart sank a little. I didn’t want to face this yet or talk to him. He asked me what I used the eggs for… such a ridiculous question I completely ignored him.

he then kneeled down infront of me and started to ask me why am I doing this? Why am I setting up cameras, why am I making his life more difficult than it is, why am I not washing the dishes (his dishes obviously), why am I being quiet - what am I going to resolve by being quiet? How can I face my problems by being quiet?

I completely ignored every thing he said, didn’t speak 1 word and didn’t give him eye contact.

I think it is now starting to bother him that I am not speaking to him or acknowledging him at all. I knew that would work more than fighting etc arguing is pointless. He’s already making it seem like I have just been looking for trouble to cause.

I’ve felt much more free the past few weeks without him on my case. I have had a much clearer mind. But I still don’t know why my next steps are. Other than the fact I am working on my self. That’s what I have been doing

I should add that I cried after that for the first time in 2 weeks….

I find it very odd that I have cried about the stress from the situation/the way he’s made me feel but I haven’t shed 1 tear from the fact of him sleeping with another woman….

it’s not that it hasn’t bothered me, it has bothered me deeply. For some strange reason I just cannot release any emotions still

You don’t need any reason to leave except just because you want to. Make plans for your new life without him. Stop talking to his mum and don’t get dragged back into this unhealthy rubbish relationship

My dad did the same to me with passing on messages ect because of that I was in 4years of hell

keep going, make plans to leave or kick his ass out. He’s trying to gaslight you and is probably doing the same to his mother.

Today he has tried to act normal with me. He tried to hug me, talk to me etc I refused and he got annoyed and began to question why I put a camera and tell me he’s not that stupid to bring another woman into our home if he was going to sleep with someone there’s other places it could’ve happened. It made me doubt myself but then I thought back over what I saw and I know I’m right.

he then told me to wash the dishes tonight. He had been smiling at me, trying to talk to me etc and thought that it had calmed down and I would do his dishes. I hesitated to respond but he told me to speak my mind so I told him I am not washing his dishes, cooking for him and I do not want to talk to him. That opened a whole can of worms!

He told me in that case I shouldn’t expect anything from him from now on, I should basically do my own thing, he won’t do anything with me/help me etc. I told him that’s absolutely fine. That I don’t want him to spend time with me and that I will just continue what I have already been doing the past 2 weeks.

that must have annoyed him more because he proceeded to go into detail about how I don’t do anything, I have nothing going for me in life, I’m not progressing and he needs to see me progress etc. I told him he doesn’t need to see me do anything etc. from there jt just spiralled on, he followed me around listing all of the things that’s wrong with me.

I eventually looked at him and told him I don’t like him anymore and I don’t need him. He then told me that no one will ever want me, that men will want to ‘f*ck’ me but within 2 months they’ll be gone, that no man will ever marry me I have nothing to going for me etc.

at this point I feel doomed. My head is pounding with a headache, I feel that regardless of this outcome he’s probably right, no one will ever want to settle down with me. I don’t have much , or any thing going for me at the moment. I don’t have a career, no money, no friends etc.

Ok this might sound harsh but i'm speaking from bitter experience.

Firstly, I ignored as well, but regardless of what my partner did (sexting and lying to my face) I had to confront the fact that ignoring someone the way that you are describing (same as I did) is childish and ridiculous and I had to grow up. To be honest you need to do the same. It's basically torturing someone, and you may be completely justified in doing it but here's the problem:

1. It's unhealthy and childish behaviour and you're sinking to their level
2. It will give them a reason to start attacking you as you're now seeing - funny that my ex said exactly what yours is saying right now about how I did nothing/was this that and the next etc etc. It will get worse.

Essentially I don't know what your living situation is but one of you needs to just get out, I ended up leaving in my case and I rented a room and that's where I am now. I left my home which I'd invested thousands into and jointly owned because he wouldn't - it sucked but I have more peace and happiness without him.

You're talking about how your heart sinks and I know that feeling.

You can't keep living together though, it is simply not viable and is frankly ridiculous. He's had a woman back at the house and he's been sleeping with her, will not admit it despite you recording it and can't take responsibility - and slowly but surely he'll turn it back on you - the longer you stay around the more chance that will happen and the more bitter and angry you will become and the more emotional damage it will do to you with the injustice of it all.

Unfortunately some people are just bloody narcs if not by diagnosis by traits in their behaviour and they simply CAN'T admit responsibility, what they will do is wait for you to react the way any human would and then blame you for it though. Avoid that situation. Leave. Do not live with him and act like a child even though I totally and utterly understand why you're doing it but it will backfire.

Fake forgive him while you get those ducks in a row. Dump him overboard at your convenience.
You know he ll do this again if you stay. Thats how brazen this kind of creep is.

Hey, he is talking rubbish - you must know this!

He is saying all these things to so you back down and stay with him. Go back to be subservient, that is all.

Please listen to me when I say this - the only reason you haven't got a career is because you are looking after BOTH your children so he could further his.

It is hard to maintain socialising when you have young kids. But if he leaves he will have them some of the time because he is also their parent.

DO NOT LISTEN to him. You have so much to offer. All he has to offer is cheating and demanding people doing his dishes. HE took his OWN washing and dishes to his mothers instead of doing it himself? Oh, what a catch!

Why is he trying to keep someone who has nothing to offer? He's only trying to bring you down.

I was a single parent to 3 young children, no job due to their ages and lack of childcare, and I had interest from numerous men and ended up in a very long term relationship - I could have married him (we were engaged) but I chose not to and split up instead because I didn't see a future anymore.

Me, the single parent with no career chose not to.

Do not let him ground you down anymore. Tell him it's over and he has to leave. You will build up your friendship groups the more you continue to go out and do things for you.

You could think about distance learning to build up your prospects if you need something to fit round the kids. Far more jobs are remote since covid.

Things will get easier for you and you'll be so much happier, but he'll always be a cheating, lying, arsehole.

@Helloforum123. I think you have been feeling a false sense of power by doing what you have been doing. I don’t want to burst your bubble but the reality is, you are still living with a man who has cheated on you numerous times. He obviously thought that if he played the “not speaking” game then eventually you would soften and start speaking to him, proven by him smiling at you and starting to talk to you. It didn’t go his way so that’s where his true self has come out and he’s started being nasty. Honestly; until you get this toxic man out of your house, you are no further forward. You are creating an illusion of being in control with the comfort of him still being there. The longer this goes on he’s going to grind you down and you will just go back to normal. The reason you feel like you have nothing to offer anyone else is because of him. He’s planted that seed and probably made you feel worthless over the years whilst he shags about knowing you will stay. He is so arrogant that he thinks he can STILL tell you it didn’t happen even though you heard it on camera. And you are still caught up in his spell because he still made you doubt it again.

The longer you stay together, the more damage there will be to your sense of self and the harder you will have to work on yourself to feel better. If you don't value yourself, no else will. I think you are scared of losing him, even though he treats you like shit, you can convince yourself that he loves you as he is still there and will meet your needs for a time before he hurts you again. The only thing you are going to get out of this relationship is hurt.

You seriously do not need this man in your life any longer.

He is trying to put you back down 'in your place' .. the place where your behaviour suits him perfectly.

You are strong, you will not be alone forever, he is trying to make you feel like shit to shake your confidence and stop you from ending it with him.

Being anywhere else is a better option than staying with this cheating, condescending prick.

Get yourself into action - either kick him out or move you and the kids to somewhere safe for a few nights.

Show him you are serious.

Make him shit himself but prepare for him to get nastier.