Caught dp cheating

[Helloforum123]

Hi all, looking for some opinions!

I’ve been away for a few days, dp stayed home. I set up a hidden camera that I could watch from my phone. Now I know that sounds terrible! But hear me out…

he cheated on me in the past and brought someone to my home when I was away. So this time my insecurities led me to want to see if it would happen again. There’s a lot to it but the past few weeks he has made me do an std test (why would I need to do that if he’s the only guy I’m sleeping with for 8 years and if he’s not cheating?) once it came back negative he’s made me take another 2 weeks later!! He’s extremely protective over his phone, it’s completely hidden from me I haven’t known the password in years now.

since being away he has FaceTimed me a lot throughout the days. This NEVER happens. He doesn’t call or text me unless it’s telling me to do something for him. Nevertheless I thought he was being sweet, he was texting me how much he missed me and how lonely he was (this correlated with what I could see on the camera - him sitting on the sofa by himself when messaging me).

yesterday he FaceTimed a few times and then in the evening just before he finished his shift at work. He then FaceTimed me as soon as he got home too, I didn’t think much of it as he just asked about my day etc. when he hung up I noticed he switched off all of the lights in the home, turned his PlayStation on to YouTube very loud but then disappeared for a good 30mins. This was VERY unusual as he wouldn’t just sit in the dark and also wasn’t watching tv (he would never leave the tv/PlayStation on if he wasn’t watching it).

after watching for a while I heard a ‘moan’ over the sound of the loud tv. My heart Instantly dropped and I knew straight away what was going on. The camera was set up in the living room but he was clearly with someone in the bedroom. I heard a few more woman’s moans over the tv - which were clearly not coming from the tv as it was playing a YouTube video of a man vlogging food!

I called back to back and he kept declining all of my calls (wierd considering he had been calling me so much) and he would reply on text within a few seconds but not answer the call. He texted that he was playing his PlayStation game and winning so couldn’t answer - this made it all clear it was the biggest lie as I was watching the living room and he wasn’t even in the room let alone playing the PlayStation! (The PlayStation was on YouTube not a game).

next moment I see his legs running across the living room (the only place I could hide the camera was quite low so would only show the lower legs). He then switched the PlayStation onto a game and called me back (clearly trying to prove he was playing a game so I could hear in the background). He was very blunt on the phone and hung up quickly and I then watched him run out of the living room back to the bedroom.

not long later he then appeared in the living room again and was talking to a woman. I could hear the woman’s voice but she was around the corner out of the view of the camera. The sound quality wasn’t great but I’m sure she said ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ to him. After talking some more they then left, he returned home around 20 minutes later, switched back on all of the lights and text me that he doesn’t want to wash the dishes…. Just a random statement to make me think everything’s normal at home and he’s washing dishes! Little did he know I could see what his game plan was!

he clearly only double FaceTimed me before leaving work and when coming home because he wanted to make sure he could see where I was with no chance of me coming home.

I eventually got through to him on FaceTime after and told him where the camera was and how I saw everything. He has been completely denying it, saying I am crazy and delusional etc and that he would never do something like that (let’s ignore the fact he did it in the past)! I should also add that I screen recorded the videos of him running back and forth, with the sound of the moaning and the woman talking in my home. I even have a recording when she is telling him ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ and at the same time a texts comes through to my phone from him telling me he might show up to where I am staying! That’s how sleazy he is.

anyway, he is completely denying it and telling me I am crazy delusional and brushing off the videos etc. he has lied to his mother and she has told me he said it was the sound of the tv I could hear… I know I am right I know what I saw but I feel like no one will believe me!

can I have opinions? I know it was wrong to put a hidden camera but it was my last resort

Well ofcourse it was ultimately me that got it done. The first time he TOLD me to get it done (as if I had no other option) I was out the door the next morning and did it. I was obviously very worried and didn’t want to have caught anything.

the second time I told him I wouldn’t be doing it. (I did it the day I went away without him knowing and got my results back today - negative thank god).

Yeah you’re being gaslighted. Whatever you decide you’d certainly be reckless to have unprotected sex with this man.

I know a girl who caught HIV from her partner when she was 19. It was only detected when she was pregnant. and the thing is I know she knew he was a cheat because she caught him with my cousin once (who wasn’t aware he was with her ) my cousin luckily got out of that mess but she stuck around and caught HIV from him.

I always think it’s wild people who sleep with men they know are cheats/in an open relationship . They are literally risking their life each time they do.

It’s obvious you heard what you heard and even the std test thing alone is grounds to believe he’s a cheat.

I'll be blunt OP. I dont think you will leave him. I think you will torture yourself for years yet and your children will grow up with a shell of a mum. I hope I'm wrong but I as soon as you used the kids as an excuse I thought nope. So if I were you I would start working on myself. Therapy, mindfulness, just think about YOU for a change. I'm going to guess that your entire life revolves around him to try and keep him from straying yet again. I have known a few women who choose to waste their precious life with prolific cheaters. You KNOW he's a cheat. He doesn't respect, value or love you. So, you need to respect, value and love yourself. Build yourself up, make yourself strong so the next time you are faced with evidence you can say no more and tell him to fuck off. You and your children will thrive away from this man. Oh and if you think you are too weak or not strong enough to leave now, you've been dealing with his shit for so long haven't you? Yet you get up and carry on every day. You are stronger than you realise.

You probably know the woman too!

I wish you the best. You don't deserve this shit. It's like sleeping with the enemy.

If you don't value yourself, no-one else will either. He knows you won't leave, that's why he acts like he does, because he can get away with it.
If you stay with this lowlife your kids when older with lose respect for you also. They won't appreciate you staying with him because of them. Other people will know what's going on, you will be that woman everyone pities. It's no way to live.

Hello everyone, again thanks for the replies.

I know it must be frustrating knowing that I should leave, but please bear with me I’m finding this very difficult!

i have not spoken with him since however he FaceTimed a few times and this morning too. I answered the FaceTime calls and just gave the phone to the children so they could see eachother but he would always ask at some stage to see me and give the phone to mummy. I just ignored this and never spoke with him.

this morning he FaceTimed and the children spoke with him again. We return home today but I don’t know what to do. They have such a loving relationship with their dad. It’s so sweet to see how much they love him and eachother. They are excited to see him, he’s planned to do fun stuff with them when we get back etc. I know that these things are still possible when not living together but there would be a huge shift and it hurts me the thought of my children going through that and not understanding.

after the last time he cheated, we decided to move forward together and made such HUGE progress. My family were never fond of him but even they sing his praises now. He made such huge effort since. Now even they think good of him (ofcourse they don’t know what he’s done though).

I feel so stuck but I feel so numb too. I know I have no self respect or self worth. I most definitely will not be sleeping with him again, doing anything he wants etc. but I don’t have the energy to fight. I know it will just continue if I let him get away with it but I don’t want to put my feelings above the children’s either.

on the phone call he said something in the background about me doing ‘weird things’ insinuating that I’m weird for setting the camera up etc. I know he will gaslight me when I go back, he’ll act normal and like everything is fine. It’s not like we fight, it’s not like it’s a war zone at home. That would make it easier to end things. But when life at home is so normal and like a family how can I disrupt that?

Bloody hell woman, stop being normal with him, stop being calm and create a war zone!

You are sure in what you saw, but regardless of him saying it's false, you don't trust him, he says he doesn't trust you so made you get an std test (I know it's because he's dipping his wick elsewhere, but he's still told you it's because he doesn't trust you), what more do you need? Create a fucking big mess! Get the kids looked after, and get angry! That man has been sticking his dirty cock in another woman, without protection, risking STDs and more babies, then putting it inside you. What a vile excuse of a man. Then had the sheer audacity to say it's because of you that you need to get tested. What a dirty little wanker he is.
He's great with the kids? Fantastic! That means that's more chance he's going to be a good dad when he lives elsewhere. He's done this, not you.

Gosh, I'm so angry on your behalf. I wish I could send that anger to you.

He has done it several times. He's going to do it again. You are likely to get STDs. You could suffer mentally from the gaslighting and anxiety this man causes. Your kids will learn it's normal to check up on partners, not trust them, sneak around, keep secrets. How on earth is that worth it?

You sound like a really lovely Mother OP and it's clear your kids are your priority.

But you leaving him isn't just for you. It's actually for your kids. You need to end a very unhealthy relationship so your kids don't grow up thinking that a relationship like this is normal. And they will see it. They'll feel the resentment, they'll hear the arguments as they get older.

Your kids deserve a mum who is happy and healthy and valued and you're in a position to help move towards that. Be brave.

Good luck.

This family life isn't normal by the way. Not at all. However much you're hiding things, kids are clever. They will pick up on anxiety, stress, lack of trust. They will learn that this is normal.

Oh, and that's all before you worry about the health angle here.

What if that test came back with HIV? He's literally risking the health and life of the mother of those children you love so much. Doesn't that make you angry?

Is this the relationship you would like for your daughter? Woukd it be ok for a partner to treat her like this? No. He will cheat again, as you are letting him know it's OK to do so. It's time to call time on this one. It'd great that he's a great dad, but he's a shitty partner.

@Helloforum123 your children will be fine honestly your just holding onto him with rose tinted glasses! And yes it’s very weird and extreme to set up a camera in the living room for the purposes that you did it for, it’s surely over for you both at that point, I understand why you did it.
You do need to work on your self esteem
this has happened before and what will happen next time is he will be loads better at hiding it, ie going out to cheat instead of doing it in your home. What will you do next sneak a tracker onto his phone?

Didn’t want to do the dishes but I hope he wanted to do the laundry! Those dirty sheets! Yak! Get rid of him, dirty man double dipping. It is gross! Biggest of hugs to you for being so brave in dealing with this too.

In that case, tell him not to embarrass you, if it's a woman you know he needs to end it. Find someone else if he has to. Tell him he keeps it away from his children's home and is discreet. Oh and make sure he's changed the bedding.

Okay, well just accept that he will continue to cheat on you over and over again then.

You're right. It is immensely frustrating when people complain that their partners are cheating on them and then go running back.
You'll find it hard to garner any sympathy eventually, sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's true.

He will continue to walk over you, he will continue to cheat, he will continue to bring random women (who could be ANYONE and a massive risk to your children) into your home.

But at least you can play happy families, right?

You are all right. Reading through the replies I agree with every one of you.

I don’t know how to get angry. I am angry. I’m disgusted, hurt, furious, heartbroken etc. If this was a few years ago I would have been able to show this. I don’t know how to be show anger anymore. My kids are my entire life and all I can about it being a good mother to them and them being happy. I don’t have the energy to fight or give that energy to anything other than them.

initially when I was watching it happen, I told myself I will leave the kids elsewhere and I was going to go absolutely mad at him. Now that anger seems to have faded away and I can’t be bothered to fight. I also don’t want him to change my character. I’m a very gentle calm person and doing something that’s out of character for me … is it worth it? I know that’s also the problem as he’s taking my kindness for weakness and knows I won’t do anything. Maybe me going back and going mad will make a difference? I don’t know.

I don’t know why I am like this! I see other woman, even those younger than me that wouldn’t put up with much less. That have much more confidence, would stand up for themselves, would argue or fight back etc. I don’t know why I am so calm all the time. Sometimes I absolutely hate that I was made such a gentle emotional person. I wish I was able to be feisty sometimes

…but I don’t want to put my feelings above the children’s either.

At this stage in their lives putting your self first is the best way of looking after your little ones.

Just be aware of the dynamic you are showing your children. Women are passive and men do as they please. They won't stay young forever and they will repeat the cycle when they grow up. Which is pretty shit if you have girls. It's shit if you have boys too but they won't be the ones that get shat on.

This isn't a choice between your happiness and your kids happiness though. I know you see it like that and I can understand why.

Its actually a choice between his happiness and theirs. It's much, much better for them to be in a loving household not one where their mother is disrespected, gaslit and her health is put at risk.

Choose them, not him.

You don't have to get angry. You can calmly go home and ask him to leave/Pack your stuff. You know if you don't you will sleep with him again, you know you will act normal with him again.

after the last time he cheated, we decided to move forward together and made such HUGE progress. My family were never fond of him but even they sing his praises now. He made such huge effort since.

Unfortunately, clearly it was not real progress, because he's just returned to cheating the instant you were out of town. And you don't just set someone up immediately (unless they're a prostitute but this wasn't one because of what you heard her ask him) so he's had at least one other woman set up/on the back burner/on the go for a while. To just be able to get her to come around like that.

His effort was a front and the progress was not real.

That's clearly part of his character as much as cheating.

He can have a lovely relationship as a single Dad. If he truly cares about his kids as you think he does and he seems to; then he will make the effort and maintain a lovely relationship with them.

Do you know what I think though; I think the lovely relationship is as false and self serving as the "effort" and "progress". It's to make you want to keep him there, and it's working.

Don't let you kids by used by a lying, cheating, probably narcissist for his ends. Don't let him use your kids to continue to manipulate and trap you.

Btw cheating is absolutely a form of abuse. He's abusing you.

Its actually a choice between his happiness and theirs. It's much, much better for them to be in a loving household not one where their mother is disrespected, gaslit and her health is put at risk.

This.

There is a training thought - hopefully increasingly being seen through as the bullshit that is, that says that a man can be a shit partner, but a good Dad.

That is not true.

Especially while he's cohabiting with the mother.

A shit partner, in this case in terms of cheating etc, is abusing their Mum. And there is noone - not one person on the face of this planet - who is unaffected by abuse. Even when they try to deal with it, even when they minimise it, even when try to fight back/defend themselves, even when they think it's not affecting them that much, of they can take it for x years "for the kids" etc. ... They are being affected by it on every level, mentally and physically.

An abuse victim cannot be the person they would he if not being abused for themselves and others. They cannot be that happy, settled, relaxed, confident, assured, carefree etc person They are not the best person they could be for themselves and their kids.

On top of that; they believe the kids aren't aware ..... Kids are aware. Kids are switched on, have instincts, they instinctively know and understand much much more than anyone gives them credit for. And it affects them, it affects their perception of relationships for life.

@Helloforum123 Life at home with you, him and the kids is far from normal. It’s just how you have been conditioned to think and the kids will be conditioned to think that too. No one can force you to leave or do anything you don’t want to do. If you want to stay with him then stay but don’t lie to yourself about how things are. He doesn’t respect you, he knows exactly how to lie and gaslight you, even to the point where he’s been caught on camera he STILL denies it and you STILL don’t want to leave. If you choose to stay with him now that’s on you, you need to take responsibility for your own actions here and realise staying with him means he can walk all over you and sleep with others anytime he wants. As the kids get older they will pick up on his behaviour to you and this is what you are teaching your kids relationships are like. Hopefully as they get older they will realise they want better for themselves and not just follow the pattern. I think it’s fair enough when young kids are involved that some people (somehow) give one more chance after cheating. But I really do struggle to find sympathy when people stay but get upset when they are continually cheated on.

Love yourself more than this. Please.

You didn't even need to do any of this. Leave this disgusting excuse.

You are teaching your children that it is okay to be treated badly by a man. If they don't realise that now then they will in the future. I know it is hard to face a future as a single mum but you are worth more than this. Stop making excuses for him. He is not a good dad. If he was he wouldn't risk your family set up by having an affair.