Caught dp cheating

[Helloforum123]

Hi all, looking for some opinions!

I’ve been away for a few days, dp stayed home. I set up a hidden camera that I could watch from my phone. Now I know that sounds terrible! But hear me out…

he cheated on me in the past and brought someone to my home when I was away. So this time my insecurities led me to want to see if it would happen again. There’s a lot to it but the past few weeks he has made me do an std test (why would I need to do that if he’s the only guy I’m sleeping with for 8 years and if he’s not cheating?) once it came back negative he’s made me take another 2 weeks later!! He’s extremely protective over his phone, it’s completely hidden from me I haven’t known the password in years now.

since being away he has FaceTimed me a lot throughout the days. This NEVER happens. He doesn’t call or text me unless it’s telling me to do something for him. Nevertheless I thought he was being sweet, he was texting me how much he missed me and how lonely he was (this correlated with what I could see on the camera - him sitting on the sofa by himself when messaging me).

yesterday he FaceTimed a few times and then in the evening just before he finished his shift at work. He then FaceTimed me as soon as he got home too, I didn’t think much of it as he just asked about my day etc. when he hung up I noticed he switched off all of the lights in the home, turned his PlayStation on to YouTube very loud but then disappeared for a good 30mins. This was VERY unusual as he wouldn’t just sit in the dark and also wasn’t watching tv (he would never leave the tv/PlayStation on if he wasn’t watching it).

after watching for a while I heard a ‘moan’ over the sound of the loud tv. My heart Instantly dropped and I knew straight away what was going on. The camera was set up in the living room but he was clearly with someone in the bedroom. I heard a few more woman’s moans over the tv - which were clearly not coming from the tv as it was playing a YouTube video of a man vlogging food!

I called back to back and he kept declining all of my calls (wierd considering he had been calling me so much) and he would reply on text within a few seconds but not answer the call. He texted that he was playing his PlayStation game and winning so couldn’t answer - this made it all clear it was the biggest lie as I was watching the living room and he wasn’t even in the room let alone playing the PlayStation! (The PlayStation was on YouTube not a game).

next moment I see his legs running across the living room (the only place I could hide the camera was quite low so would only show the lower legs). He then switched the PlayStation onto a game and called me back (clearly trying to prove he was playing a game so I could hear in the background). He was very blunt on the phone and hung up quickly and I then watched him run out of the living room back to the bedroom.

not long later he then appeared in the living room again and was talking to a woman. I could hear the woman’s voice but she was around the corner out of the view of the camera. The sound quality wasn’t great but I’m sure she said ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ to him. After talking some more they then left, he returned home around 20 minutes later, switched back on all of the lights and text me that he doesn’t want to wash the dishes…. Just a random statement to make me think everything’s normal at home and he’s washing dishes! Little did he know I could see what his game plan was!

he clearly only double FaceTimed me before leaving work and when coming home because he wanted to make sure he could see where I was with no chance of me coming home.

I eventually got through to him on FaceTime after and told him where the camera was and how I saw everything. He has been completely denying it, saying I am crazy and delusional etc and that he would never do something like that (let’s ignore the fact he did it in the past)! I should also add that I screen recorded the videos of him running back and forth, with the sound of the moaning and the woman talking in my home. I even have a recording when she is telling him ‘I hope you’re not sneaking around’ and at the same time a texts comes through to my phone from him telling me he might show up to where I am staying! That’s how sleazy he is.

anyway, he is completely denying it and telling me I am crazy delusional and brushing off the videos etc. he has lied to his mother and she has told me he said it was the sound of the tv I could hear… I know I am right I know what I saw but I feel like no one will believe me!

can I have opinions? I know it was wrong to put a hidden camera but it was my last resort

Well he is going to keep cheating so you either stay with him and accept that or you leave. He won't change, so the only question is do you respect yourself enough to show your children you won't accept being treated this way?

You are modelling the relationships they will accept their whole lives. They can still have a good relationship with their father apart, children are adaptable. I feel you are using them as an excuse to take the easier road where you can continue not getting angry and say it is for them.

My mother stayed for us. I don't thank her for it. I feel pity instead that she didn't love herself enough to demand better.

You sound broken and slightly removed. This can be a way of self preservation. Could it be that it's easier for you to focus on the kids and trying to keep the dream alive of you all be a family than actually allowing yourself to feel the impact of what he has done and who he really is ?. Staying in this relationship and using the kids as the reason will probably not turn out well in the end. I have been in your shoes and it's horrible and you don't deserve it.

This is exactly how I feel! I kept telling myself I’m ‘broken’. I feel like I’m broken in every way and all I have is to be a mother.

I’ve just returned home and I feel very strange. I’m somewhat dreading him coming home from work. I’m sure he will bring the situation up, knowing him he will probably laugh and say how ‘crazy’ I am that I set a camera up and thought I could hear a woman. I plan to not engage in the conversation as I know the second I do he’ll take it as a way in to manipulate and twist the story more and think he’s winning.

the bed sheets have not been changed either. It’s as if everything is just completely ‘normal’ which makes me feel even more strange. It makes me question myself, but I have the videos. Even though I can’t see the woman I can hear her.

im not sure what my next steps are yet. I feel like I have given up on myself.

You may be feeling broken at this moment in time but you can change this by taking back control and not let him get into your head. You don't have to have seen him in bed with the other person to know what he has done. I personally couldn't be with someone who has done this to me more than once. You have given him a second chance and tried to do what you thought was the right thing and he has thrown it in your face. Think on that for a while and I'm sure you will make the right decision for you and your children.

Surely there is a trace of her on the bed sheets…hair falling out etc…must be something! That said I wouldn’t be inspecting it…I’d be packing bags and telling him to sling his hook!
I wish you all the strength in the world to ditch this piece for shit and find some happiness away from what must be torture! It must make you miserable and regardless of whether he makes you think this that or whatever, no one deserves misery (unless it’s my ex husband of course ha ha) X

I had a check of the bedsheets but nothing. It was 2 days ago now though… and he makes the bed/shakes the quilt every morning anyway.

still waiting for him to return home, feeling nervous and hoping that I can stay calm and ignore whatever he has to say, not give him a chance to manipulate the story again until I figure out what I’m doing

You know what you heard and saw. He's not changed since the last time and now he knows you set a camera up, he'll just do it elsewhere.

You shouldn't have told him about the camera. You've shown you hand and you're not assertive enough to follow through.

Quite frankly if you're not going to leave a cheater, it's pointless even raising it with them.

Are you friendly with any of your neighbours? Does any of them have ring door bells? I would be tempted to polite ask them if they seen a woman at yours on the night in Question.

But as previous posters have said I would have been packing his bag regardless the minute I got home locked all the doors so he couldn't get in and started the proceedings for divorce.
It's no way to live we have one life only and do you really want to spend that doubting yourself and your worth wasting it on a man that clearly has no respect for you or his family to be putting it about like a dirty dog.

You could focus more on yourself for a change and your children teach them what it's like to self love and respect yourself and your morals over staying in a bad relationship for what you feel is for them.

It just sounds exhausting
The relationship is dead. Don’t prolong the misery

You caught him red handed so LTB. Also surely asking you to take a STI test is a huge red flag.

Please don't doubt yourself, you know he's cheated in the past and you know he has just cheated on you again.
This relationship is never going to work, you deserve so much more.
GET RID!

No we don’t really speak with any of the neighbours. We also live in a building and our neighbours apartments are side to ours so a ring door bell wouldn’t see our door :(

it’s bothering me a lot that I don’t know who the woman is. I haven’t spoken with him, last night he didn’t speak with me. Although I was very angry I didn’t want to acknowledge him at all last night. He then has left food on the side for me to cook today for him. I will NOT be cooking for him! This will surely cause an issue when he sees that I have not done so.

i expect this evening is when it will all come to a head!

I think you are not quite ready to leave or ask him to but it doesn’t mean you can’t start to mentally prepare. Start getting your house in order so to speak and then something will just happen. Make sure your finances are sorted. Start doing activities by yourself. If you haven’t a social life just start going out just a little bit. Get your confidence up a bit, it won’t take much. You will be triggered into ending things at some point. But only when you are ready. You’ll get there. Have faith.

Can you get counselling?

You need help to find your anger and your strength

I think you are right. I don’t want to stay in a relationship like this, I don’t want to continue being treated like this. I think I lack so much confidence that it holds me back from walking away.

I know I need to focus on myself, building my confidence, finding myself again. I don’t know who I am anymore. So that is what I am going to start working on! Hopefully once I gain some confidence I will feel better about myself and have more self respect to walk away.

I’ve been thinking to myself and I can’t understand why I can’t release my emotions. I am extremely sesntitive and emotional person. I get hurt from the smallest things, I cry every day. For some reason I cannot get my anger out. I’m so angry inside, I’m so heartbroken and sad inside but I can’t manage to even cry. Or have the energy to even fight?

But he's broken you down into nothing, that's the effect his abuse has had in you, you feel nothing

I spent 5 years in a relationship & didn't realise until I was out of it how bad it had been. I felt nothing at the end, my body was totally numb. I was so used to being nothing. One of the first questions my therapist asked was what do you feel inside you & my answer was nothing, I feel numb

Please research the effect abusive relationships esp with a cheater has on you, it might help you understand why you are feeling this way. Maybe this will help you find a way out of this

He's a liar and a cheater. Give him his marching orders!

Hi all little update.

its been 6 days at home and we haven’t spoken 1 word to eachother. I wasn’t going to speak to him regardless and do not want him to talk to me either or to get into a confrontation discussion etc.

im very surprised he has not said 1 single word. I expected him to speak on the subject the night I came home, I 100% expected him to cause an argument the 2nd day after realising I didn’t cook for him. Nothing.

I haven’t done 1 single thing for him. He has resorted to taking his food and dirty dishes to his mothers house for her to do for him and then bring back. This may seem like a small thing to everyone but this is a very big deal for me. It is like a small piece of freedom I get back, without being his personal chef or cleaner 24/7.

I am however curious and wondering when the topic will arise. As we can’t be living in the same home together and never speaking.

last night he came home at midnight when he should have been back hours earlier. He must have the day off work today as he has been in bed all day. Only just came out of the bedroom at 6pm.

@Helloforum123 Hope you are doing ok. From your update, can you see how wrong this is? He is caught cheating, comes home but speaks not one word to you for 6 days? As though you have done something wrong? He is unbelievably manipulative and is probably playing the long game. He is punishing you so you don’t dare question him again the next time it happens. And he will also probably be thinking that you will get so worked up about him not talking that you will come grovelling to him. I don’t think not speaking is the way to go here, just tell him to leave. It just sounds like a big game / power play between you both which is taking the focus off what he’s actually done. The longer you let this go on as well you will fall into the trap of just brushing the matter under the carpet. Honestly, this man is not a good man. I really hope one day you see that you can do soooooooo much better.

It is so lucky that you now know what he is like. How dare he use you like a servant? His mum’s agreeing to do his washing is weird. Does she know what’s going on? If she does she should be comforting you and be disgusted with her idiot son. Keep going op. We are all behind you.

Baby steps. I think you have done really well. It’s not easy to be in same company and carry on as though they are not there. So…have faith that you can do this - alone. Because you are. I expect that when he is not in the house you feel a huge sense of relief. Why not make that permanent?

Thank you all so much!

I know it sounds like such a small baby step but this is huge for me. No cooking or cleaning after him for a week? It feels amazing! I must admit, last night when cooking for me and the dc he was looking in the cupboards and fridge to find something to eat for himself. I felt terrible and selfish but in my head I knew this is what I need to do.

besides that, I have been going out every day. I have been shopping/runnings errands/going for workouts while the dc are in their activity clubs and it feels so great to be able to do as I please and not worry to rush home because of him. Although I just admit the loneliness hits me hard in those times without the dc and I realise I am always doing everything alone.

after a week of taking a step back I have realised how so many things were wrong. I realise how wrong it is to have to rush home all the time and not really be able to go out and do what I want. How wrong it is to have to constantly run around after him and do every little thing he says.

I know ultimately what needs to happen in the end and that the silent treatment isn’t the best game to play. But this is huge for me. I have never been able to give him the silent treatment. If he calls my name I’m expected to answer immediately, now I have broken that barrier and I think not speaking to him will eventually bother him alot. I don’t plan on being the one to break it, unless it’s something regarding the dc.

I am in the process of looking for a job. I think that’s the next step I need to take that will help me. It is just difficult as I do all the physical parenting myself.

I have also noticed a few guys trying to talk to me in the past few days at my workout classes. This never happens and although I haven’t entertained anything it has helped my confidence slightly

This is all great to read! Well done!

The staying in bed all day will probably be part of the 'broken man' act that I have witnessed personally.
Mine told everyone that he was unable to get out of bed because he was so devastated because of the way you are treating him over something he didn't do.
Its all just BS.

You have the videos and when he starts telling everyone you're crazy (which he will when the broken man doesn't work and he steps up the smear campaign) he will look a fool as you have the proof. He will still deny it though.

It will get much worse before it gets better I think from my experience, but you must stay strong.
Keep the feelings of freedom you are experiencing forefront in your mind and stick to your guns.

Wow!!
That is amazing! See what a difference a day makes?! Loneliness isn’t always when you’re alone, it’s when you’re with the wrong person I personally think it hits harder.
Just take each day as it comes. I would be cooking the most delicious meals and let that smell take over the house. Ha ha!
On a serious note, I just don’t think you will want him any longer when you do eventually talk. I think he will give you the ick. Any man who sticks his dick in someone else would give me the ick. The fact that you are getting attention says to me that you are giving off a totally different vibe ! Well done for being brave and making a change for yourself.

Not half as weird as him taking his washing-up there!

What a total loser!

Good luck OP. It'll be great to be free of him