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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
LT1982 · 30/07/2023 06:38

Also as you have been looking at moving to devon, check out part time working mummy on fb, she runs the patchwork house charity for women fleeing DV

Hepwo · 30/07/2023 06:40

Yes, move if you are getting a strong drive to do it. If you ignore it you will regret it in the future.

You can have a happy time in Devon. I would go somewhere there are jobs, like Plymouth or Exeter.

WedRine · 30/07/2023 07:27

Definitely hold off with contact until you've had legal advice. You can withhold contact if you think DD is in danger. Just remember: they will uphold status quo. Whatever access you give him will be status quo.

If you move, again take legal advice but I'd definitely spin it as fleeing rather than a fresh start. What you need to be asking when you have your legal advice is the best time to go, because like I said before, you want to do it before court starts so you can't be ordered back (PSO) and you don't want him to have unsupervised access because the onus is on the moving parent to take the child to see the other parent.

REP22 · 30/07/2023 12:05

I think you are doing so, so well @Lavennder. You're doing your best in an awful, awful situation.

Agree with others - please wait for proper advice before letting him see/have access to your DD. At best it will be very confusing and potentially upsetting for her - at worst he will take her and not allow her back to you.

With every action you take to help yourself and your DD, you are proving more and more that you are not an awful mum or a bad, weak person. You are the victim of a very nasty and extremely dangerous man. He has no insight into his actions and any "tears" he may have are for himself alone. Sad to even suggest it but it's likely that the only real value he has for your DD is as a pawn in his own life and how she can feature in his efforts to hurt and weaken you. I'm sorry.

Everything you are now doing shows you as strong and smart. Each action and every step is one more step closer to a better, fear-free life for you and your DD. It won't be easy, I'm sure he won't back away without concerted effort - but you can do it, I believe in you; I'm sure that lots of us here do. You're a strong mum, defending herself and her child.

Every good wish to you. Keep going. You can do it. xx

Mix56 · 30/07/2023 18:45

Do not take any rash decisions in the heat of the moment.
You need your family now, & you are familiar with the current area.
Running can backfire particularly if he is given weekly contact & you have to travel with your child to provide the contact every w/e.
Running away is a knee jerk reaction so check with a legal person first,
What is your housing situation?

LadyBirdsLoveEm · 30/07/2023 19:22

OP I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I think it's wise to wait to see him / let him see dd. I hope you stuck to your instincts there.

Don't let him back "in". Keep everything on text or email.

Please try and push yourself to report what he did. If you can't do it for you, do it for your child. Every little piece of his behaviour needs to be "on record".

I'm curious about finances. They sound VERY skewed in his favour considering you live together and have a child together. How is it he has soo much he can access and you have a very small amount? Has there been an element of financial abuse going on? Because those figures certainly point to it.

Do NOT mention to him you're considering moving away. Stay absolutely silent on that one. He's dangerous. This is a dangerous time for you. Him finding out you're thinking of moving would likely put you in even more danger.

LadyBirdsLoveEm · 30/07/2023 19:26

Also just to add. Regardless of where you live he will likely be allowed contact. If you move you will likely have to do all the travel (and he will happily make you).

I'm not saying don't move but it won't necessarily be the escape you're instinctively wanting.

For now I'd focus on your health, housing being secure, reporting his abuse, and getting lots of support for yourself.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/07/2023 22:40

Dont forget that abusers will use any tool they can to get to you and that includes any children. Threats to go for full custody (they all make that one......they dont want full custody they just want the threat hanging over you so you do what they want). In this case it is starting with seeing DD and then will likely ramp up so he promises to see her then doesnt or demands to see her in a very short time frame and then tries to claim that you are keeping her from him. Had that one too.

Follow legal advice and WA advice. Keep proof that that is what you are doing. Then he doesnt have a leg to stand on. Your defence in any issues is "I have no experience of this so I followed legal and Womens Aid advice as they know more than I do".

I get that you want to move but without a Non Molestation Order, which are actually harder to get than a lot of people think, he can still contact you and DD. So you would be no safer from him, and away from people that can help you. Best put that one in the "Long Term Plan" folder until you have figured out how it will play out long term. The fact is that going forward you will have to co-parent with him unless he loses interest (more common than you would think) so I would suggest engaging with social services to ask for their help. You have kicked him out and are not having him back, so they are no threat to you but can help in regards to recommending a contact centre for him to see DD.

What a lot of people dont realise is that he actually has no rights to see his DD. SHE has rights to a relationship with him, if that is in her best interests. Kids have rights, parents have responsibilities. So his responsibility is to see her in a safe controlled environment until he has proved he is safe with her, and SS will help you with that. At the moment, given what he did with her in the house, he isnt proven safe and a contact centre is the best way to go.

Canthave2manycats · 31/07/2023 00:27

@Lavennder I honestly don't think you should do anything without appropriate advice. And please don't communicate with him - it's chilling how someone who was supposed to love you could assault you with such impunity and not have one shred of remorse! Hold onto that!

Don't consider moving right away - wait and see how things go. At least you are near to your dad and your sister. Have they been with you over the last couple of days?

Mix56 · 31/07/2023 07:11

If you want to keep yourself safe, the best way is to report this to the Police..
you are frightened of him. Police involvement is your shield

tattygrl · 31/07/2023 10:23

I don't have any advice to add to what's already been given, but wanted to make sure you know I'm still here wishing you well and keeping a watchful eye on the thread for your updates, OP! You've got all of us with you. I hope you feel able to report to the police and get your experience heard. Flowers

uncomfortablydumb53 · 31/07/2023 11:18

Thinking of you today

Begonne · 31/07/2023 11:20

Another one with a gentle reminder that we’re here for you.

How are you getting on today?

Songlines · 31/07/2023 12:02

Another thinking of you today

ThankYouVeryMuchGerry · 31/07/2023 13:28

Thinking of you too. Hope you've managed to speak with the police? Don't worry, they're there to help you. We're all behind you lovely.

Canthave2manycats · 31/07/2023 22:21

Just wondering how you are getting on?

Ydkiml · 31/07/2023 23:19

Thinking of you x

tattygrl · 01/08/2023 10:41

We're all still with you, OP ❤️

CrackerAndPudding · 01/08/2023 15:56

If you've went quiet because you didn't go to the police and you don't know how to update without saying that, please don't worry.

It's a daunting step, we get it and you'll find support on this thread either way.

SlashBeef · 01/08/2023 16:05

CrackerAndPudding · 01/08/2023 15:56

If you've went quiet because you didn't go to the police and you don't know how to update without saying that, please don't worry.

It's a daunting step, we get it and you'll find support on this thread either way.

Very much this. If you haven't felt able to report it that's okay. We're still here.

Songlines · 01/08/2023 16:17

Absolutely this x

WedRine · 01/08/2023 17:34

Definitely. We are here if you need us or you just want a vent but no matter what, there is no judgement from us whatsoever.

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 02/08/2023 08:24

absolutely this 💐

WishingOnACar · 02/08/2023 08:40

Hope you are doing ok @Lavennder

tattygrl · 02/08/2023 11:42

Thinking of you, @Lavennder . You're strong, brave and resilient, but you also deserve tenderness, respite, safety and care. I hope you're getting those things while battling through this horrible time. Lots of love to you and baby.