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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
Mama678 · 29/07/2023 20:36

Well done op 👏

Songlines · 29/07/2023 20:52

I'm so impressed by your courage OP.
Good luck at the hospital, they should be able to give you copies of all the paperwork plus they'll send it to your GP.
I've broken ribs before, they're very painful. If that's what has happened then please take the painkillers!

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 29/07/2023 20:56

I hope all has gone well at the hospital x

happywotsit · 29/07/2023 21:47

You are doing amazing. Thinking of you.

WedRine · 29/07/2023 22:01

Good luck at the hospital x

WiddlinDiddlin · 29/07/2023 22:07

Make sure you let whoever examines you know that you were assaulted and need any evidence there is - xrays can be provided, but you will usually need to ask for them and they'll post them out on a cd, you can't generally get them there and then.

MouseMinge · 29/07/2023 22:08

@Lavennder I don't know. They won't be able to do anything about your ribs except give you some painkillers, if they're cracked they'll heal gradually over the next two to three weeks but the worst of it will be gone soon. As for paperwork, I'm trying to recall my most recent visit, which was for something different but you do get release paperwork which will say what they saw you for, what they found and what treatment they prescribed. I'm hoping that by the time you read this, you're home again. Much love, you're being so incredibly strong and I admire you for doing all of this when all you want to do is curl up in bed until it all goes away. You're an inspiration.

Lavennder · 29/07/2023 22:23

The dr said I’ve got quite badly bruised ribs maybe even a small break but he said that the advice is the same. I’ve been given a prescription and told to rest. I did ask if he could give me any paperwork and he did print me something. I might upload it if I can with my details covered to see if this would be okay in terms of evidence, I’m going to do it when I’m home.
Thank you for your well wishes.
I did message him and tell him that I had bruised ribs and he’s saying there is no way he couldnt have done that and “it wasn’t that bad”. I won’t doubt myself for him, I remember what happened

OP posts:
BonjourCrisette · 29/07/2023 22:36

You've done so well, @Lavennder. I am absolutely sure that a medical record will be good enough for evidence - and if it comes to court for any reason it will be possible to access the full records. More importantly, save your first post here and write down any more details you can remember in case you need to refer to them later. In your shoes though, I'd not be giving your ex any info. It just gives him time to prepare a counter argument.

Crunchingleaf · 29/07/2023 22:48

I did message him and tell him that I had bruised ribs and he’s saying there is no way he couldnt have done that and “it wasn’t that bad”. I won’t doubt myself for him, I remember what happened

You are wasting your time and energy contacting him. He will never take any responsibility, will lie, minimise and deflect. He won’t admit to it. You won’t get validation from him. It’s also best to keep him in dark so he doesn’t come up with further ‘justification’ for what happened.

monsteramunch · 29/07/2023 22:50

Crunchingleaf · 29/07/2023 22:48

I did message him and tell him that I had bruised ribs and he’s saying there is no way he couldnt have done that and “it wasn’t that bad”. I won’t doubt myself for him, I remember what happened

You are wasting your time and energy contacting him. He will never take any responsibility, will lie, minimise and deflect. He won’t admit to it. You won’t get validation from him. It’s also best to keep him in dark so he doesn’t come up with further ‘justification’ for what happened.

Please take note of this OP, don't share any info like this with him in future. No good can come if it Flowers

cestlavielife · 29/07/2023 22:52

Sorry about your ribs can be v painful
But please stop engaging with him
He will only twist things
You have the evidence for the police report
Dont tell him anything else

Cut contact with him
Dont speak
Text but only practical things if really necessary

If necessary arrange for him to see dc in public place with someone else there

You need to have space without him

Lavennder · 29/07/2023 23:07

I won’t be saying anything else to him. I just can’t believe he doesn’t care about what he has done to me. There’s no remorse. I thought he would at least care that I’m hurt but he really sincerely doesn’t care about me and he really isn’t bothered that he has hurt me. I know I probably sound ridiculous cause you’re probably thinking well yes did you not realise that after what he did? And I did but it’s just hurtful.
He is asking to see dd and I don’t want to see him but really really don’t want to send her alone. Not really sure how to handle this. I think I should put it off until Monday when I can get legal advice

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 29/07/2023 23:09

Definitely wait until you've had legal advice on Monday OP Flowers

ReadingSoManyThreads · 29/07/2023 23:13

@Lavennder do not contact him again about what he did to you. Personally, I would not let him see DD at the moment, it is your job to safeguard her and if Social Services get involved at some point they will be expecting you to keep her safe.

You can get copies of your medical records for free by submitting a Subject Access Request (SAR), to the medical records teams at your GP surgery and your hospital trust. Detail in your SAR what you are looking for, e.g. the medical records from tonight's visit and the records from your 111 calls etc.

He will only minimise what he did to you, it's not worth engaging with him over it. It will leave you questioning yourself if you're overreacting etc. You certainly are not by the way. He could have killed you.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/07/2023 23:19

You were really brave to go to A&E I'm sorry you're so sore
Definitely wait until you've seen the solicitor to discuss contact
As there has been DV, I'm surprised he's got the cheek to ask!
It's possible to arrange a contact centre where you would drop her with staff a couple of minutes before he comes in so you don't see him, but try not to worry DD is safe and loved, and that's all she needs for now

HopityHope · 29/07/2023 23:32

I have a feeling I’ve seen other posts from you before? If you have, then you can print those off and use them as evidence that is fine and date stamped in a way of what happened and what you said about it when it was fresh in your mind,

Lavennder · 29/07/2023 23:43

HopityHope · 29/07/2023 23:32

I have a feeling I’ve seen other posts from you before? If you have, then you can print those off and use them as evidence that is fine and date stamped in a way of what happened and what you said about it when it was fresh in your mind,

I’ve never posted about anything like this before but I’ve taken ss of this post and I’m going to do what someone on here suggested and grab myself a diary. When I had the live chat to women’s aid and victim first I took screenshots too.

OP posts:
Hepwo · 29/07/2023 23:50

So glad you are getting through this.

Has your sister been in touch?

Lavennder · 30/07/2023 00:00

Yes we’ve spoken but I’m not great at vocalising how I feel. I’m much better at writing it all out.

Ive spent my free time looking at moving to Devon, looking into the different areas and planning how I could do it. It’s a few hours from where I am now and it’s a bit further from family than I’d like but I want to put some distance in between him and me.
when this all first happened I had the feeling that I wanted to take dd and run away and I guess I still feel a bit like that. I just feel like I need to get away and I’m not sure if I should let the feeling pass or follow it.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 30/07/2023 05:59

Don’t let him know of any intentions to move. Keep all paperwork hidden from him. Upload a copy of your doctor’s report and email it to a secret email account you should set up for all evidence, receipts, screenshots, bank statements, etc.

CoffeeLover90 · 30/07/2023 06:19

Will he be seeing DD if you move away? I understand why you'd want distance but if you move miles away from family and he still has contact with DD, there's every chance he'll find out where you live. He may ask her when she's older or he might push to pick up/drop off. Bit worried that you might find yourself in a situation like last week and then it's harder for family and friends to get to you.
I'm not saying don't go, you're the one who is in control now but just thought I'd mention.
If he wants to see DD do you have a trusted friend or family member of yours who would be willing to be the middle ground? That way, there's no reason for you both to have contact and he won't need to come to your home.

WiddlinDiddlin · 30/07/2023 06:30

Of course he didn't do it, its not that bad, it didn't happen and no he doesn't care, because in his head... he didn't do it, its not that bad, it didn't happen...

He believes his own lies. His narrative of events is now fact, in his mind. So instead of feeling bad, he can create a drama where you attacked him, where you're a liar, you're dramatic, you're malicous... etc etc.

That then fuels him for anything else he wants to threaten or actually do.

Don't contact him!

Keep records of every contact he makes and do not permit him to contact you in ways that are unrecordable.

I wouldn't move far away just now - I can see why it is appealing, but you do need a safety network of some sort, and as things stand he does have (assuming he is on your DD's birth cert as father) the right to see his child. If you move far away, this could make things harder for you - you could end up with him playing you like a fiddle over contact, making you wait and wait for him to turn up, making you drive halfway, all the way, not returning child when he says, returning child sooner than he says... etc etc.

It would also further his projection and fiction that you're stealing his child from him...

Do not give him the opportunity to press your buttons - ever.

Talk to the people you need to talk to - police (in whatever format - if you don't HE has his narrative that you attacked him and you have... nothing on record so do not give him that!) - CMS - change locks - sort any finances, all the boring admin stuff.

Let your sister and Dad know as well, before you press any of his buttons (police, cms etc, informing people he no longer lives at your address) so they are aware - these things need doing and you shouldn't put them off because he'll be pissed off... but having them on standby definitely better than not!

Begonne · 30/07/2023 06:36

It really is shocking that someone who was supposed to love you, would leave you suffering and in pain for days and not care at all that you had been injured.

There may be crocodile tears, or claims that he’s changed, later. Remember that his reaction was to twist reality.

I’m so pleased for you that your immediate reaction was “I won’t doubt myself for him. I remember what happened “ That is real progress. Now that you’re away from him, the fog and confusion is clearing and you’re seeing the manipulation attempt rather than feeling the effects.

As to moving - the instinct to flee is understandable and I think I’d want to too. Think about where you could go that would be an advantage or benefit, rather than just far, far away.

LT1982 · 30/07/2023 06:36

Could a family member take your daughter to him, so she is fully supervised but you don't have to see him? Also keep all his texts. He hasn't denied assaulting you, he justvsaid "it wasnt that bad", to me that is admitting he struck you

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