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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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dp assaulted me... detail heavy

603 replies

Lavennder · 27/07/2023 13:45

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

OP posts:
Lavennder · 29/07/2023 11:25

I contacted victim support this morning and they have given me the number for Victim First, it’s police run. They’re not open today but I’m going to call them Monday morning. so it’s still the police but it doesn’t feel like it’s the police. They did tell me that if I report they will have to investigate and he will know but Im just going to speak to them first and see what they say.
I still have a bit of chest pain and I’ve noticed that one of my ribs is painful to touch so I’ve called 111 and I’m waiting for a nurse to call me back. I’ve stopped taking painkillers as my headache is gone and think this is why I’ve noticed it more today.
I do feel better this morning. It’s the first time since that I feel relatively calm. I feel like my home is a bit more mine again.
I haven’t spoke to him and I don’t want to but I will definitely be following the advice given here and not speaking outside of texts. He is very manipulative, and having space and being able to think about it I can see even more how effed up it is the head spin he has put on me the last week.
Thank you all for being so kind to me

OP posts:
Songlines · 29/07/2023 11:43

Well done!
Just a gentle thought, but if you communicate by text/WhatsApp/email please make sure that you screenshot or forward to your own or a trusted person's email address. Just in case he tries to recall them and then deny sending them.
You are doing so well

User5653218 · 29/07/2023 11:50

You're amazing. Well done. That was really brave.

Have you changed the locks on your doors yet? Just in case he decides to let himself back in when you're away.

VerityUnreasonble · 29/07/2023 12:31

@Lavennder you are doing a fabulous job. I know I and many others have encouraged you to report but I just want to say that even if you don't, we will still be here to support you in whatever way you need. You won't be judged. People keep suggesting it because they want you to be safe and him to have appropriate consequences but at the end of the day the most important thing is that you feel OK. This is a space for you to talk if you need it.

appleroot · 29/07/2023 15:09

You need to get to refuge with your child

appleroot · 29/07/2023 15:11

Keep all your messages history etc on phone hidden asap

ThreeLittleDots · 29/07/2023 15:11

It's not his home.

appleroot · 29/07/2023 15:11

As sometimes stuff can be in the cloud

appleroot · 29/07/2023 15:13

Never ever stay with this person as it will get worse and you won't be able to trust him with your child. He sounds like a psychopath

Begonne · 29/07/2023 15:39

@Lavennder Well done.

You know the metaphor about the frog being boiled alive who doesn’t realise the water is hot until they jump out? Lots of things will only become clear now that he’s left.

A tip I saw years ago on MN that’s worth sharing is to buy an A4 diary (this time of year is great for picking up academic diaries) and each time you have any contact, print it off and staple it on the relevant date. You can also write a note if you’ve been to the gp, spoken to police etc. print out pictures taken of your injuries and staple them in. If you ever end up in court, having a written record of evidence at hand is invaluable and it’s much harder to dispute than verbal memories. Keep it factual rather than emotive.

I hope 111 have been useful; the thoughts of you suffering with a cracked rib and concussion for a week is awful. You deserve so much better.

cestlavielife · 29/07/2023 16:21

Tell victim support everything
Is much better you get your side in before he reports you
Get your ribs checked
You doing good
Any repurcussiins are on him
But if you delay he will get access much easier
He has to have repurcussions
If it was. A stranger who attacked you in front of dd you would not hesitate
You xsn get support like play therapy fir dd down the line by telling rverything

Be aware he might claim in a week he has changed and be all super nice to try get you back
Watch out for crocodile tears
Dont give in

ComeTheFckOnBridget · 29/07/2023 16:30

Begonne · 29/07/2023 15:39

@Lavennder Well done.

You know the metaphor about the frog being boiled alive who doesn’t realise the water is hot until they jump out? Lots of things will only become clear now that he’s left.

A tip I saw years ago on MN that’s worth sharing is to buy an A4 diary (this time of year is great for picking up academic diaries) and each time you have any contact, print it off and staple it on the relevant date. You can also write a note if you’ve been to the gp, spoken to police etc. print out pictures taken of your injuries and staple them in. If you ever end up in court, having a written record of evidence at hand is invaluable and it’s much harder to dispute than verbal memories. Keep it factual rather than emotive.

I hope 111 have been useful; the thoughts of you suffering with a cracked rib and concussion for a week is awful. You deserve so much better.

That is a GREAT idea!

And you're still being brilliant @Lavennder

Canthave2manycats · 29/07/2023 17:52

I hope the bastard hasn't been torturing you today @Lavennder.

Let him go and fuck himself. He can go to court for access! You absolutely need to have his behaviour on the record in order to protect yourself and your DD x

uncomfortablydumb53 · 29/07/2023 18:37

Still thinking of you Lavender
You really are doing amazingly well
You're doing everything possible to ask for help and the police course sounds great and supportive for you
Like you said, it's police run, but not the police and I hope they will keep records of what you tell them
If you don't feel well please go to A&E to be checked
A trip in a taxi would get you out of the house too
Please be gentle with yourself.
You really are doing so well

Lavennder · 29/07/2023 19:01

I have to go and get my chest checked out at the hospital now. I hope it’s nothing like a cracked rib but it’s very sore today where I’ve stopped the pain killers. In two places my ribs are very sore to touch and certain movements and I have an ache through the sides and my back It’s weird to explain but I hope it’s not because I don’t want him to have done that to me.
A silver lining I guess is this is forcing me out of my home.
I feel really emotional. Dd has been running around today saying dada which has made me feel worse. I feel better and worse in different ways.

OP posts:
Lavennder · 29/07/2023 19:03

Begonne · 29/07/2023 15:39

@Lavennder Well done.

You know the metaphor about the frog being boiled alive who doesn’t realise the water is hot until they jump out? Lots of things will only become clear now that he’s left.

A tip I saw years ago on MN that’s worth sharing is to buy an A4 diary (this time of year is great for picking up academic diaries) and each time you have any contact, print it off and staple it on the relevant date. You can also write a note if you’ve been to the gp, spoken to police etc. print out pictures taken of your injuries and staple them in. If you ever end up in court, having a written record of evidence at hand is invaluable and it’s much harder to dispute than verbal memories. Keep it factual rather than emotive.

I hope 111 have been useful; the thoughts of you suffering with a cracked rib and concussion for a week is awful. You deserve so much better.

Thank you, I’m definitely going to do this. Maybe I should ask the hospital if I can get a copy of paperwork if there is anything wrong with my ribs

OP posts:
VerityUnreasonble · 29/07/2023 19:05

Lavennder · 29/07/2023 19:01

I have to go and get my chest checked out at the hospital now. I hope it’s nothing like a cracked rib but it’s very sore today where I’ve stopped the pain killers. In two places my ribs are very sore to touch and certain movements and I have an ache through the sides and my back It’s weird to explain but I hope it’s not because I don’t want him to have done that to me.
A silver lining I guess is this is forcing me out of my home.
I feel really emotional. Dd has been running around today saying dada which has made me feel worse. I feel better and worse in different ways.

I'm glad you are going to get checked out. Better to get it looked at.

Hope the wait at hospital isn't too long for you.

Lavennder · 29/07/2023 19:06

VerityUnreasonble · 29/07/2023 19:05

I'm glad you are going to get checked out. Better to get it looked at.

Hope the wait at hospital isn't too long for you.

111 gave me an appointment so fingers crossed 🤞🏻

OP posts:
MouseMinge · 29/07/2023 19:09

Good luck at the hospital, @Lavennder . It does sound like you may well have cracked ribs. I'm a bit of an "expert" on the subject having cracked mine multiple times. I'm glad you're getting it checked out and glad the headaches have subsided.

Lavennder · 29/07/2023 19:17

MouseMinge · 29/07/2023 19:09

Good luck at the hospital, @Lavennder . It does sound like you may well have cracked ribs. I'm a bit of an "expert" on the subject having cracked mine multiple times. I'm glad you're getting it checked out and glad the headaches have subsided.

Thank you. Do you know what they will do at the hospital. Would I be able to get paperwork? I’m not sure how this works

OP posts:
JeandeServiette · 29/07/2023 19:20

Ask them for a copy of paperwork if they diagnose an injury, and if it's not obvious why, say you need proof of DV. Hospitals are normally good with this stuff.

JeandeServiette · 29/07/2023 19:20

It's possible there will be an x Ray they can give you an image of too. Depends what's up.

Twillow · 29/07/2023 19:21

You are doing fantastically. Taking advice, not burying your head in the sand (been there!), telling your family. DV makes you feel so alone, so unfair that it makes you feel ashamed when you are a victim.
This thread should be compulsory reading for anyone who's unfortunately worn these shoes!

Ifallelsefailschocolate · 29/07/2023 20:18

Glad you spoke to 111 and are getting seen now at hospital @Lavennderregarding injuries as a result of DV You must be sore when you pick up DD 💐

Tonkerbea · 29/07/2023 20:29

You're doing so well, hope the appointment goes ok