dp assaulted me... detail heavy

[Lavennder]

Now exdp assaulted me. We were having a verbal disagreement, not raised voices level but it was emotionally charged. He was trying to get me to do something and I was adamantly saying no and that I wouldn't be told what to do.
That's when he grabbed me by my neck and put me to the floor. He kept his hand on my neck and I ended up laying on the floor with the side of my head being pressed into the floor. He kept saying things to me and pressing my head down over and over. He was saying "You're not so big now are you? You're not so brave now are you?" and he was pressing his forehead into the top part of mine and shouting at me, it still feels sore to touch now.
I kept trying to get him off me, he had almost his whole top half on me and I was trying to push him off. I must have hurt him at one point, I was sort of grabbing at his body, and I have long nails and that's when he hit me round the side of my head. I kept trying to see if my toddler had come into the room but the way I was pinned down I couldn't see the door. I was getting so panicky and I kept trying to get him off me but he kept putting my arms back down and leaning on top of me. At one point I grabbed his leg and dug my nails in. I kept saying get off me and stuff like that. I already get claustrophobic and I was getting really panicky. He kept shouting things at me but I wasn't registering what he was saying. He kept like shoving my head and putting his hand round my face. I kept trying to see the door and I ended up almost pleading him please where's dd name?
I don't know how long this went on for but he got off me and I ran to the bathroom and locked myself in. I was hysterical and couldn't catch my breath. I could hear my dd start crying outside but I could hear him start settling her and I couldn't bring myself to go and get her. I feel so guilty, though he wasn't being bad with her I just wanted to go and grab her but I couldn't bring myself to.
I was in the bathroom for a while and felt like I couldn't bring myself to leave when he told me I needed to get out so he could get in. So I left and went to dd who was napping after I took pictures of the marks I had. He came into the room and started saying to me that I had attacked him out of nowhere, that he was calling the police on me, that he would take my dd from me, that I was a psycho. I did start crying and got hysterical again, I was asking him how could he do this to me? Why was he doing this to me? Dd woke up and he picked her up and told me not to come near her, I wasn't safe. I went to the kitchen to get my phone and call the police but he followed me and took the phone out of my hands. I did start raising my voice here and was asking for my phone. I wasn't angry, I was distraught.
He took his phone out and started recording me, saying look at what I was doing in front of dd. I looked at her and she looked so concerned. I will never forget that look on her face, I feel so guilty, it makes me feel sick when I picture it. I left the room and went to bed and just laid there crying until I calmed down.
When I did get up I went to see dd and he said to me again that I had attacked him and he would give me my phone but if I called the police he would be showing them his scratch marks and telling them how I lost my temper and attacked him and he only restrained me. I had a clear handprint on my neck and some other marks on my neck and scalp and forehead. A few small bruises and marks on my body and arms. I just said okay and asked him if he could leave. He said he would need some time.
This was 5 days ago and he said he is leaving tonight. I have been a mess. I have not left my home, I haven't showered. I feel constantly overwhelmed and on edge. I have been doing the bare minimum, feeding dd and keeping her playing at home. I can barely get out of bed, the thought of going outside is daunting but I know I'm being an awful mum right now. I've been zoned out. I haven't been cleaning except what have to. The washing up is piling, all I have been doing is tidying and hoovering.
I called the GP yesterday and told them what happened, I didn't say it was dp, I said it was a family member and I said my dd wasn't home. I asked them to please give me something to help me mentally. They said they couldn't because I was still having breathlessness, a stiff neck and chest pains. They said I needed to go to A&E and that they would also give me something for my anxiety but my chest needed to be checked first. I couldn't bring myself to go and I couldn't tell exdp I needed to go.
My neck is a lot better now, but I have still had odd chest pains and I have had a constant headache since. Mentally though I'm not okay. I'm going to call my GP again to get an afternoon appointment today and I'm going to ask to go onto antidepressants.
I have been an awful mum the last few days, I'm racked with guilt. I feel like I'm letting her down going on to antidepressants. I feel heartbroken. I can't look at exdp, I've been avoiding him, but every time he gets into bed with me at night I feel disgusted. I keep telling myself that he is leaving tonight. I can't believe what he has done to me and I can't believe that he is blaming me. He keeps saying remarks here and there to me still about how I'm an abuser, when am I going to change my clothes. I wish I could take dd and run away. I'm hoping antidepressants will get me through this but I feel guilty for needing them. I'm just posting here I guess to have someone tell me it's going to be okay. I can't talk to anyone in person, I could but I don't want to tell anyone. I can't get over what my dd has gone through. I keep googling things to see if she has been traumatised.

I don’t want to make you feel you need to update this thread - it may not even be safe to do so. And your life isn’t our entertainment.

What I’d like you to know is that there is support, advice, help and encouragement if you ever need it. Start another thread, use another username.

Hope you’re ok

Echo this. Hope you are OK @Lavennder . Sending love and best wishes. x

I haven’t gone to the police as I did get legal advice and told he stands a chance at 50:50 and that potentially they’ll disregard the physical abuse as it wasn’t to dd.
I don’t know how I could be apart from dd for half the time so I don’t know what to do

Your solicitor knows nothing of Domestic Violence.
Your XP admitted he assaulted you to your Dad

Are you sweeping thus under the rug?

That's bad advice. Please seek help and advice from womens aid. Going to the police is useful, not only to protect you, but also as evidence of why he shouldn't get custody.

I'd strongly, strongly encourage you to go to the police. A crime has been committed. It's very odd advice that the domestic violence wouldn't be "counted" because it wasn't directed at DD.

Please don't take this as admonishment or judgment. I can't imagine the stress and turmoil you're dealing with. However, you will almost certainly regret not reporting his violence because there are myriad situations in the future where you will need evidence that he's done this. PPs with more experience and knowledge will be able to give some examples of this.

How are you doing in yourself, @Lavennder? Well done for everything you have done so far. I do urge you to report. He could have killed you and he needs to be held to account.

@Lavennder thank you for your update. I hope you are OK.

Please, PLEASE go to the Police. This man is dangerous, to you and your DD and to other women. Please go to the Police. Please.

I believe so : - (

I'm sad to read that the solicitor gave such poor advice. Reporting his attack to the Police is the best way to stop him getting 50:50 access. By not reporting him, it just plays into his hands.

@Lavennder that is correct, Family Court will probably disregard that as he wasn't violent towards DD. BUT he was violent towards you which is something completely different.

How would you feel if a man did to your DD ( when she's older ) what he has done to you? Would you want her to brush it under the carpet or report it, try and get some justice and hopefully help make sure he doesn't do it to somebody else or escalate his behaviour?

You have a great opportunity here to show your DD that this is unacceptable and not something women should put up with or be subject to.

Also you could be stopping a vicious circle here.

You definitely had really poor advice from your solicitor. Please report to the police, I’d even go so far as to call CSC yourself and ask for advice. These are really protective steps to take.

He didn’t physically harm your daughter but the emotional harm from living with DA is significant.

Has he been in contact with you?

definitely not sweeping under the rug. Just explaining why I didn’t go to the police.

From what was explained to me despite the fact he did piss all, because he lived with dd he can show he has a strong bond and show that he can provide childcare. Apparently some may disregard the domestic violence as it’s seen as a relationship issue rather than parenting issue. They said he has a chance of getting 50:50. They said it’s very unlikely he would get supervised and as she gets older he’ll be entitled to more. They said that it’ll help that he works a lot and I’m available 24/7 (distance learning) but that they can’t tell me absolutely that he would not get 50:50.
This just floored me and though I haven’t taken him back I’m very cautious to rock the boat.

They did say that it would go in my favour to go to the police but they couldn’t say this would stop him getting 50:50.
I haven’t taken him back, I’ve had nothing but shit from him and his mother. I’m apparently keeping a child from her father, I’m stopping my child having her “basic rights to a father and grandmother”. I’ve been told that I was the perpetrator, that I attacked him. I’ve had all kinds of shit from the pair of them and I’ve been trying to get back to normal with dd in our daily lives and I’ve probably stuck my head in the sand more than I should have but I will not take him back

Perhaps I need to get a second opinion

Definitely report to police and definitely get a second opinion OP

He assaulted you, go to the police and report it. What legal advice do you need.

Not rocking the boat is going back to him because you're scared of the future.

Damn you should be sinking that bloody boat!

Report, lovely. You've even said in a comment that they did acknowledge that reporting to the police would go in your favour; it just wouldn't guarantee that he won't get 50/50. In fairness, they're probably right, they can't guarantee that by reporting him he won't get 50/50. I still believe you should seek a second opinion, but really, you know, deep down, that it needs reporting simply because he committed a violent crime against you. Pay no mind to the bilge coming your way from him and his family. They're lashing out because they're scared, as they should be, that your ex will face repercussions for his violence. For your sake and your DD's, get his horrific violence on record, OP. Please. Strangulation is extreme and a HUGE risk factor in the pattern of men who murder their partners/exes, and families.

@Lavennder so what exactly is stopping you going to the police - the idea of repercussions from him? Regardless of whether it influences a custody hearing, you need to do this for you, so that if things escalate there is a record. If there are repercussions ie he takes it out on you then that could all be recorded as well and strengthen your case.

Whether or not your solicitor is right on the custody question, this is a separate issue really.

The earlier you start logging this with the police the better for further down the line.

him and his mum texting you is borderline harassment. Keep all texts and screenshot. They are trying to change what happened by saying you attacked him. You know thats not true

Please don't feel that this is a pile-on, OP. It's absolutely not. This is still a safe space for you and there is no judgement. It's just that we know how utterly imperative it is for you to get this logged with the police, for the safety of you and your DD. It's a challenging thing to do but really, in reality, it's just talking to someone. It's just telling someone what happened. You really must do this, my love. It's scary, but that's ok. You can do scary things.

I'm so sorry for all that has gone on.

The bottom line is that you can't protect her from 50:50 contact whether you go to the police or not. He can apply himself for 50:50 if he wants to. Whether the court agrees with him or not. If you can document that he is a violent man, this will be on record.

If you wait til he applies for custody, it may look like tog for tat.

Sending hugs. I'm sure it's terrifying and you are holding together so well xxx

There are two different things here. The abuse towards you and a potential family court for custody of your daughter.

The fact is, if you have left him and don’t intend on getting back together, he can go to family court anyway.

Yes, reporting to police won’t mean they turn down 50/50 unsupervised, yes, it seems strange, but, he is abusive towards you but not to your daughter (witnessing abuse is obviously emotional abuse but, by not being together, that is managed)

Has he been abusive towards her ever? If not, you’ll have no legal reason to keep him from seeing his daughter, family courts look poorly on a parent stopping the other from seeing their child without ‘good’ reason. If he has, however, that’s a different matter, you can exercise the right to parental responsibility for safeguarding your child, can report this to social services and they may choose to investigate. They would speak to your child to get her views.

So, the fact is, he can take you to family court whenever he likes, regardless of you reporting the abuse.

However, as he is also claiming abuse, you are going to have little credibility in family court on any level, if you claim abuse but didn’t report to police. It will be hard to look like you are not just a bitter ex keeping your child from her ex and claiming domestic abuse maliciously.

In summary, no, reporting won’t guarantee that he doesn’t get custody, however, it will make you more credible should you end up in family court.

Best advice I can give is, report it, have your dad with you when they come to take a statement as he can also show that he admitted it. Also, the text where he said ‘it wasn’t that bad’ is pretty damming evidence that he did, indeed, attack you.

Perpetrators rely on control and fear. That’s exactly what he’s doing right now, making you fearful of losing your daughter. He will go from horrible to lovely and want to tempt you back. Then it will all begin again. It’s called the cycle of abuse for a reason.

You’ve done the hardest bit by leaving him, please report to police and strengthen your case against him. How long were you with him? You can also request a Claire’s law, there may be past police reports which will also strengthen your case. Ask the police for this too.

If you do the above, IF it goes to family court (if it’s does, it may not, it is very expensive and the person making the application has the biggest bills- classic perpetrator threat is family court) then you will be able to evidence you are a mum whose priority is to safeguard your child against emotional abuse by not witnessing abuse and taking the appropriate steps to ensure it never happens again. If you don’t, you will not look so credible and leave yourself more vulnerable to his lies.

It’s not easy, but you have done the hardest bit, m power yourself to feel more in control. X

Exactly, you say you are not going to let him come back
There WILL be a fight for contact, whether you report the abuse or not.
Going to the police will work in your favour.
Women's aid may have a list of solicitors specializing in DV in your area

This is a fantastic post, some excellent advice here @Lavennder. Please, please read this and understand how vulnerable you're leaving yourself with no police report. It feels so very wrong that you have to do all this hard work right now, but sadly that is the case. We're all here with you and want you to be safe. To do that, you do need to report.

Strangulation is a specific criminal offence now. It's reconsider as a high risk factor in DV because statistically he is more likely to kill you than other formals of violence.
You need to report it to the police. You can get your phone number prioritised and a panic alarm. It will also be relive by to child access.
I hope you're safe.