Feel like DD has tried to sabotage me again and feel furious.

[MouthoftheSouth]

Help me process this a bit: I'm emotionally all over the place about this and don't trust my own reactions. Want to walk a line between being compassionate and understanding and not being a walkover. and don't know where I am on that line.

DD (12) had a rough year 7 last year and had to have counselling to deal with some difficult feelings. One of the manifestations of this was that she went through a period of asking teachers to call me during the working day and ask me to come and pick her up from school. (This happened maybe 3-4 times).

Obviously this wasn't workable (apart from anything else I work FT) and it caused a bit of a flashpoint with school, resulting in them asking me to get her some help because it was disruptive etc. She was processing some difficult things, such as the death of my father during COVID etc, so they were compassionate about it but she also had to learn that this isn't acceptable behaviour and work on her resilience etc.

She had counselling and things improved a lot, so by the third term of Year 7 it had stopped. She generally is in a much better place and her confidence and resilience has improved.

Yesterday she had the first of three days of a summer club which was a real hassle to get to. I started work later to drop her off and within an hour of leaving her there got a call from one of the supervisors to say she was feeling ill, so I had to schlepp back up there to pick her up again.

I suspected that she wasn't really ill but didn't want to be there and when I questioned her about this in detail this turned out to be true: she just didn't really enjoy it and wanted to come home (basically didn't like the feel of it). I was beyond furious and it took me a few hours to climb down. It made me so angry that she just presumed I could drop everything to pick her up just because she wasn't enjoying it.

She's very dependent on me in many ways for her age (I'm a lone parent and we are very close). I love her to distraction and I am and always will be there for her but am really trying to push her to be more independent and resilient, partly for her sake but also because I need freedom to work in order to support her (I usually work from home) so I can't constantly be asked to disrupt my working day.

I increasingly also feel quite stifled by her neediness. It's very hard for me to do anything on my own without her wanting to be involved or feeling she has a right to be involved in everything I do and I often feel I'm not allowed any space to be on my own or with my partner (who doesn't live with us) without her having to be involved. I feel at some level that she is sometimes quite manipulative and will invent problems if they give her an excuse to disrupt my working day. Obviously it's shit that I have to work this much to support her, but that's the reality of my life.

I felt after the counselling that we were making some progress but she seems to have backtracked.

Having to pick her up half way through the working day for no reason is a massive, massive hassle for me and got me into loads of trouble. She knows this full well and she knows how upset I am that she's ignored this because she was feeling a bit of mild discomfort. I'm trying not to make her feel awful and I made sure we didn't go to bed on an argument last night and had a nice evening with lots of hugs etc but I'm still absolutely seething inside and can't let it go.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more hardline about this or am I being unkind? I'm at my wits' end with it and starting to honestly feel quite resentful.

Do all of those saying that the OP is trashing the child's mental health and self esteem have an answer then, instead of just being critical? How good is it going to be for the child is OP loses her job and home? Catch yourselves on. It's shit, and tricky, and there's not a right or wrong. I can imagine it's very stressful. ❤️

I get that and now she’s changed her mind, which in my view is completely reasonable. Children have a right to their own autonomy this isn’t the 1600’s!

I don’t know a single adult who’s never changed their mind after agreeing to do an activity. Whilst I get it’s incredibly inconvenient and disruptive to Op’s work schedule, that’s part a parcel of parenting.

I tried my absolute best not to communicate to her that I found this frustrating yesterday (and we're on very friendly terms now), but I feel how I feel and yesterday I felt absolutely at breaking point with it.

How is your daughter going to cope when someone, (maybe even you!) does show that they are angry and frustrated with her?

You asked in your OP if you thought you were being a doormat, and, in the kindest possible way, yes, I think you are a bit.

It doesn’t sound like school handled this well. I have 3 dds and 2 have just finished year 7. I’ve had a few calls from them wanting to come home. The school nurse is fab - i ask if there’s a high fever and if not I chat to dc on the phone and they usually agree to have paracetamol and carry on or one time when dd hadn’t looked great in the morning, I agreed to pick her up at the end of the day as there was 45 minutes left rather than make her walk.

she’s only 12. You can sensibly explain that she needs to stay at school unless genuinely ill and let her understand the consequences of you not going to work but also if her missing school and how much harder that will make her GCSEs if she’s missed chucks of work.

I really feel for you and have been in this position myself. However, I don't know why you're so keen not to let her know that you are angry about this. I would be livid! She is old enough to know that you have to work during certain hours, otherwise you will be fired. She asked to go on that course and unless she is ill then she has to go on that course. She is being extremely unfair.

OP ignore all the parents who will still probably be wiping their kids arse at 18.

It reads as she's been the 'centre of your life' always and hasn't built any resilience to life in general.

Sometimes you can be too understanding and want to protect your child from "every thing"

This is doing an injustice to your child who never learns how to deal with emotions, being alone, being disappointed etc.

It's never a great idea to be your child's "friend" be a great parent instead.

You've got to stop putting your job at risk.

At 12 she is going through a lot of changes anyway. She doesn't want to go to the club, but if you work from home she does not need to be there and I'm sure she knows this. Maybe she's the oldest there so thinks it's boring?

I pretty much agree with this.

Yes, 12 is a tricky age. Yes, she has had a tough year. However, it sounds like you have provided and continue to provide plenty of support for her. 12 is old enough to understand that a parent has to work to keep a roof over heads, food on the table etc. It is also old enough to understand that if you don't give something a decent go, you could well be missing out on a fun time.

My middle DC is quite sensitive and "wobbly" in new situations, even if it is something she really wants to be part of and attend. But when she does it, she feels a bit sense of achievement and it really boosts her confidence. Things that have helped:

1. Chatting about how she might feel initially uncomfortable, worried, shy etc, but that she can get through that and those feelings won't last.
2. Getting her to remind herself of how proud she will feel of herself for completing a class/course that she initially wanted to drop out of.
3. Little journals/work books that help her explore anxiety and feelings around that (my middle DC is younger so this might not be appropriate for your daughter).

No, she does not do it in a self predetermined, concsious way. Your daughter is a very young girl, does not have a dad, does not have a sibbling, has school or social anxiety, does not like social events like clubs. What could go wrong for you who want complete freedom for a whole working day.

Actually, the OP’s life is about her, and you blithe assumption she should wreck her life to avoid her daughter feeing discomfort is disgusting.

At 12, ‘sabotaging’ is too strong but yes a child will thoughtlessly fuck everything up for their families- because they trust the adults to act as a safety net, and to not let them do that.

Her calling you is putting your job at risk- which will have much worse downsides for both of you.
So you have to hold the line. But it is ok for her to know that her actions have wider consequences than upsetting Mum. She is old enough to be told No, and to be asked to start thinking about the impact of her actions on others.

I think there are some mitigating circumstances with her being 12 and having just come through a very difficult period

unlike adults, kids don't have the ability to just say they're sick and go home if their mental health is in a very poor condition that day. Nor is she actually mature enough to deal with it efficiently because she's 12...

it took nearly a whole year of receiving help from multiple sources for her to feel comfortable in the school environment and not ask to be picked up (3 or 4 times is not that many to be honest considering circumstances)...it was almost to he expected that she would ask to be picked up from that club.

Have a chat with her, explain that she needs to give it a go before giving up, but don't expect the same level of maturity or commitment you'd expect from an adult.

and she's not sabotaging you - she's asking you for help.

The intensity of your anger is quite disconcerting just on here. It must be terrifying for a 12 year old.

Genuinely I think you need therapy of some kind to look at your feelings. They seem more 'inappropriate' to the situation than hers.

OK at 12 with both parents working full-time in professional roles, there was no way - short of a real 999 emergency - that I or my siblings could even have contacted our parents, let alone "demanded" that they collected us from somewhere or came home immediately (this is WAY before the days of mobile 'phones and internet).
During the summer holidays we had things to do around the house, I seem to remember making a lot of lunches as both parents came home to lunch, plus cleaning, washing and ironing.
If your daughter is unwilling or unable to attend activities that she has elected to do, then I would behave as if she were at school, during school hours, and hand over tasks for her to complete. I would also ban or limit screen time, on the basis that she would normally be at school and you are working.
Once she had finished whatever the day's tasks were, she would be free to read or engage in any other activity or hobby, so long as this did not obstruct or hinder your working day.
I would also have a long talk with her about death, grief etc. as it is part of life and you cannot just opt out or expect others to take up your emotional slack, you need to deal with it yourself. I realise this is pretty hard line, but it is a useful thing to understand. There is also the line that there are some things you have to accept because you cannot change them and have no control over them.
I am afraid that I might also be tempted, at weekends, were she to be engrossed in something, to interrupt her and want her to come with me to do something else. At some point the penny may drop that it is actually annoying and disruptive to be dragged away involuntarily.
I might also suggest she re-reads "The Boy, who cried Wolf", since the more she behaves as she has been doing, the more she dilutes the effect and, one day, there may be something REALLY important that is ignored.
However, I would try not to be too dictatorial and approach the working week along the lines of "what have you got planned?" so she needs to be proactive. I would also allow for down-time, because being "planned" 24/7 is very stressful.
Are there any things that you can do together at weekends that would give her something to aim for and look forward to?

Was the holiday club full of younger children? I would expect a 12 year old at holiday club, mainly kids age 5-8/9

I think you've had some horribly harsh replies here.

You have to teach her to face things on her own. It's a lifeskill, not an option. But I'd do it in small stages. Perhaps a whole day at something is too much, and try and find things that other friends are doing so she's not walking into something on her own? Some children go forwards of their own accords; others need a gentle nudge now and then. She's 6 years off being an adult.

I fear greatly for the children of a lot of MNers who have wrapped kids in cotton wool and never let them cry or do anything alone....

@itsmylife7

It's never a great idea to be your child's "friend" be a great parent instead.

I completely understand the principle behind this sentiment. But when you are a lone parent with an only child, this is much easier said than done. We've been each other's everything for the best part of a decade. It's quite difficult not to be a "friend" to the person you love most in the world.

Well done for not rising to the bait @MouthoftheSouth

Because you are taking things people are saying on board, posters like @Whatswhatwhichiswhich like to up the ante and wind OP's up more so they bite back.

@GardeningIdiot if you have read all the OP's posts you would know that a) the OP did pick up the child and b) didn't let her know she was angry. I disagree, showing a small amount of frustration is fine. I think the title about 'sabotage' came from the immense pressure the OP is under, and I hear that, as a lone parent. It's unbelievably stressful feeling like you are failing in every regard- trying to be a mum and a dad, worker and a parent, taxi service. I've found parenting teens on my own and having a f/t job the hardest thing. If you are a lone f/t working parent with teens, then I'll eat my hat.

Maybe I do need therapy. But honestly it's yet another thing to schedule, pay for, organise and find childcare for. At the moment I don't have bandwidth for this.

She's a child who loves you, relies on you and wants to be with you.

That's not manipulation or sabotage.

Ignore people who say you will be terrifying your child. ridiculous.

Yes she’s had a tough year but it doesn’t sound like anything particularly traumatising. Grandparents die unfortunately, it’s sad but that’s life. Schools change. Friendships change. You’ve got to learn to roll with the punches. I agree with pp that you may have centred her and her “needs” too much. She needs to feel safe and loved but she doesn’t need to feel the centre of your entire universe. I think you have been a bit too soft.

The extreme level of your anger and reaction is coming across clearly in your op and that’s what people are reacting to and uncomfortable with, that and the complete lack of empathy for this child. I am unsure how you can hide this from her, so I suspect she knows and it’s making it worse.

have you done your own counselling for anger management, how to deal with stress, and coping strategies, if not I think it might be helpful for you.

I think in some ways you're expecting too much, although not unreasonably.

In terms of the anger and resentment, it sounds firstly like (and probably just as a natural consequence of being a single parent) you're trying to be everything to her and then resenting her dependency on you. I would try to reframe this as not something she is doing against you but about her inability to cope and that as her only point of call it falls to you. Don't get bogged down in the dynamic of it being a struggle against or over you. Maybe see it as a problem she needs to be taught to solve, like learning a new skill, similar to when you taught her to read or cross the road. The issue is she is still very emotionally dependent on you, a dynamic established over the past 12 years that isn't going to be unpicked completely through a few counselling sessions, it will take continuous work.

Also she's 12. As they get bigger we think they need us less, but I've found myself much more in demand emotionally in the teenage years than ever before. Does she have a phone? I would maybe try to make it that she calls or messages you as a halfway between you coming to get her. Providing reassurance from a distance, trust me they still manage to be hugely demanding but at least you don't have to leave work.

A previous poster is right you can't build resilience without struggle and I think you will just need to set some boundaries and accept her enduring some discomfort. I'll be honest, I would have been openly pissed off in the evening. Sometimes I think we're too keen to validate feelings over meeting reasonable standards of behaviour.

Some of the replies on here are really lacking in insight and compassion! Usually the ones saying the OP is lacking in insight and compassion...

😂I just can't ....😂

"anger" "terrifying" "quite disconcerting" - lol yes, that REALLY comes across , not

What does come across is a stressed, concerned SM with a needy, typically selfish daughter asking for advice and accepting criticism well.