Feel like DD has tried to sabotage me again and feel furious.

[MouthoftheSouth]

Help me process this a bit: I'm emotionally all over the place about this and don't trust my own reactions. Want to walk a line between being compassionate and understanding and not being a walkover. and don't know where I am on that line.

DD (12) had a rough year 7 last year and had to have counselling to deal with some difficult feelings. One of the manifestations of this was that she went through a period of asking teachers to call me during the working day and ask me to come and pick her up from school. (This happened maybe 3-4 times).

Obviously this wasn't workable (apart from anything else I work FT) and it caused a bit of a flashpoint with school, resulting in them asking me to get her some help because it was disruptive etc. She was processing some difficult things, such as the death of my father during COVID etc, so they were compassionate about it but she also had to learn that this isn't acceptable behaviour and work on her resilience etc.

She had counselling and things improved a lot, so by the third term of Year 7 it had stopped. She generally is in a much better place and her confidence and resilience has improved.

Yesterday she had the first of three days of a summer club which was a real hassle to get to. I started work later to drop her off and within an hour of leaving her there got a call from one of the supervisors to say she was feeling ill, so I had to schlepp back up there to pick her up again.

I suspected that she wasn't really ill but didn't want to be there and when I questioned her about this in detail this turned out to be true: she just didn't really enjoy it and wanted to come home (basically didn't like the feel of it). I was beyond furious and it took me a few hours to climb down. It made me so angry that she just presumed I could drop everything to pick her up just because she wasn't enjoying it.

She's very dependent on me in many ways for her age (I'm a lone parent and we are very close). I love her to distraction and I am and always will be there for her but am really trying to push her to be more independent and resilient, partly for her sake but also because I need freedom to work in order to support her (I usually work from home) so I can't constantly be asked to disrupt my working day.

I increasingly also feel quite stifled by her neediness. It's very hard for me to do anything on my own without her wanting to be involved or feeling she has a right to be involved in everything I do and I often feel I'm not allowed any space to be on my own or with my partner (who doesn't live with us) without her having to be involved. I feel at some level that she is sometimes quite manipulative and will invent problems if they give her an excuse to disrupt my working day. Obviously it's shit that I have to work this much to support her, but that's the reality of my life.

I felt after the counselling that we were making some progress but she seems to have backtracked.

Having to pick her up half way through the working day for no reason is a massive, massive hassle for me and got me into loads of trouble. She knows this full well and she knows how upset I am that she's ignored this because she was feeling a bit of mild discomfort. I'm trying not to make her feel awful and I made sure we didn't go to bed on an argument last night and had a nice evening with lots of hugs etc but I'm still absolutely seething inside and can't let it go.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more hardline about this or am I being unkind? I'm at my wits' end with it and starting to honestly feel quite resentful.

You could cancel all treats, outings, new clothes and everything not absolutely essential for the duration of the summer holiday and tell her 'this is a preview of what life will be like if Mummy can't work'.

@LittleBrenda I agree and I think it's fine to be honest about that. I'm the sole breadwinner (widow) and I've explained to my children I have to work to support the whole household. The alternative is benefits. That's the choice. They choose nicer things, support at college, not having to work themselves for the household (which a couple of their friends do), the house, or money at uni, they also work themselves part-time to get money for extras. It might be possible for some families to hide all the financial stuff if there's two parents both earning, I wouldn't stress them out with the problems, but we discuss choices as a family (and some things, like council tax, are not a choice!)

Being a parent means meeting a child’s needs, not their ‘wants’.

if she is genuinely ill, then that is a need. Faking illness or exaggerating minor illness to get attention is a want.

One of my favourite expressions (forget where I read it) is that resilience is hard won. Teaching resilience is partly about making people go through some discomfort and them learning that they can, not accepting that they can’t cope just because they say they can’t.

It is a balancing act. They need to know that if they are I real trouble that they will be looked after but, in small things, they need to be tough. So, if you say you want to do a club, you can’t opt out virtually immediately because you didn’t enjoy it as much as expected.

That type of thing happens all the time. She is only 12 and wanted to go home. It’s not really a big deal at all. She is only a child. I know you were annoyed about work but in my experience children just do things like this sometimes and there is no point trying to go work it out with an adult mind.

I really sympathise. I also have a tricky 12 yr old. It's not just even about having to work is it? It's about having to have your concentration interrupted and 'dance to her tune'.

You're certainly not being unreasonable to feel frustrated but you know that the truth of the matter is not that she's doing this TO you. It sucks and I'm sorry but she just really needs the support and reassurance for whatever reason. I think because she has been better recently you didn't have the conversation you might have had with her before she went to the club in which you discussed what would or wouldn't be possible in the way of coming home half way through the day.

In my case if it was essential that I was at work all day I would have said 'go and stay or don't go at all' (and really not been judgy about her not going) in advance of dropping her. You probably want her to give things a try but it's not trying something if there's no escape route, it's committing to it. If you have to be at work the cost is she can't try things in that way. And that's ok and unavoidable.

It is maddening and suffocating and all that stuff though, I get it. But it's not forever either.

I had similar experiences to your DD. If I were sick at school, I would be lying in the nurse’ office until the end of the school day and then put on the bus home. My parents (for the same reasons as you OP) categorically refused to ever collect a sick child.

How did this affect me? I felt abandoned, unloved, a burden, a nuisance and so on. My parents tried to gaslight me into believing I wasn’t ill but a manipulative drama Queen. In short, not only was I a burden, but I deserved to be abandoned. I was a worthless, bad child. It didn’t matter that a few times I was blue lighted to hospital because my “tiny cough” was pneumonia- it was still my fault for “crying Wolf” the times I was not sick enough for hospital but too sick to get through school lessons.

My advice is 3-4 times a year is nothing, you should be able to work out how to get your DD home when she only needs to come home prematurely a handful of times a year. I think you need to let go of your resentment, she will be feeling it. I know work is important, but you can call a taxi to collect your daughter and bring her home if you truly would be sacked for leaving your desk once every three months to collect her.

I think you are being too harsh about the summer club, yes she liked the idea of it and wanted to go. You may or may not have painted a picture of it being fun and great and good for her confidence and resilience- which I am sure she knows you think she lacks these qualities and so out of love for you she’s going to really want to go so you can be proud of her. But then the club isn’t fun, it’s awful for her. So let her quit. Life and summer is too short to be miserable- she knows from losing her Dad that more time alive is not guaranteed, it’s a gift you cannot count on.

She needs you to help when she is feeling physically or mentally unwell, and as a mother it is your responsibility to help her whether you do it yourself personally or call someone to make it easier on you & fit in with work. At 12 she is very young and she is also trying to cope with a significant bereavement. I don’t think getting tougher is the right course here as it is pushing her away and becoming unavailable. She will then grieve losing you from an availability and lack of support sense.

Can you work from home some days? Or maybe leave work early sometimes .Also maybe she could see a friend or go over to theirs as well.12 is a tricky age really ,shes probably a bit old for a holiday club and lots of younger children there so no one to hang out with.

She’s a child FFS.

You want her to be independent then start by not booking her into camp. A Y7 child without additional needs should be able to entertain themselves during the daytime, maybe she could invite a friend over for a few hours to hang out?

This sounds so stressful OP. It sounds like you are doing an incredible job as a single mother. When she's older she's see that and appreciate it.

Right now she's a teenager and wired to be selfish and impulsive. Try not to take it as deliberate, even though it's incredibly frustrating.

Firm but fair, and be confident that you are doing the right thing.

Can you read FFS, the child wanted to go to the camp ...

12 going on 13 is old enough to be safely left at home. Can you WFH with her around? If not, can you go in to the office?

She is a child. A child who wanted to do an activity in a sport she enjoys. Your style might be 'no, you can't do that, you can stay at home' but the OP was trying to make her dd happy by agreeing to send her to do something she wants to do.

She's not being malicious, she had learnt that at the first sign of struggling you will come running. She is also clearly struggling to process everything, deal with puberty, develop confidence and resilience. I can imagine this is frustrating but she needs some help from you.

I would speak with her about how difficult it is to get out of work and offer some sort of incentive / reward / bribe that involves time with you if she can manage all day at the holiday club. E.g. go out for Waffles for tea, cinema trip, shopping trip on the weekend, girls movie night etc. Also speak with the holiday club and explain she needs some help building her resilience and tell them they are not to call you unless it's an actual medical emergency. They should delay her by saying they weren't able to get hold of you. If she complains about being bored remind her it's an important life skills to make the best of things. Repeat, 'It will be fine and we will have a lovely time this evening when I collect you'.

Is it possible that at 12 she is feeling too old to be there? I'm not saying she is, I wouldn't want to leave my 13yo all day every day on his own even though he would be fine. Maybe there could be compromise? If she does 4 days she can have Friday's at home?

@HadalyEve

I had similar experiences to your DD. If I were sick at school, I would be lying in the nurse’ office until the end of the school day and then put on the bus home. My parents (for the same reasons as you OP) categorically refused to ever collect a sick child.

I haven't ever refused to collect her when she's sick. I always collect her and I did yesterday (even though she wasn't actually sick). She's never once had to wait in the school nurse's office. It was actually school who raised the problem as being the issue, not me.

I take your point about being available for her etc but the above is just factually inaccurate. I've never once done this.

@WonderingWanda

She's not being malicious, she had learnt that at the first sign of struggling you will come running. She is also clearly struggling to process everything, deal with puberty, develop confidence and resilience. I can imagine this is frustrating but she needs some help from you.

Yep I totally get that.

How long have you been with your partner.

She's 12, her grandad has died, she has had a rough year she's probably worried that you are going to abandon her. Maybe not in her logical brain but in the emotional sense.

Practically I'd find someone who can pick her up and keep her company if she wants to come home.

As a teenager I did a summer looking after a couple of older children. I wouldn't call it babysitting as they were old enough to be playing out.

I basically sat on the sofa listening to music and was there if they needed anything. Could you find someone like that?

@SpaceRaiders yeah, read the thread, OPs daughter WANTED to go to the club, she wasn’t forced

@sashh

I've been with my partner five years. He doesn't live with us (but obviously he knows DD well).

She's 12, her grandad has died, she has had a rough year she's probably worried that you are going to abandon her. Maybe not in her logical brain but in the emotional sense.

That's all correct, I think, and we explored this in counselling (the counsellor had a similar set of conclusions). I do understand this, I guess I just felt we'd moved past this. It's two steps forward, one back isn't it?

@sashh

a 12 year old really shouldn’t need that

Sounds maddening, but you're imputing a lot of adult reasoning on her, when she's 12. Could you take a less emotional approach?

You could be unavailable for chunks of time when you work. Seriously. She's there with adults. She's 12 and verbal. You can't answer calls between x:00 and y:00. Because you're working.

I would tell her today that since she wanted to go to the camp, and you've paid for the camp, she's going to the camp for the rest of the week. You'll have a chat with her at lunch time but otherwise she's not to interrupt work unless it's an actual emergency, involving fire and/or injury. She's going for the rest of the week.

She doesn't like it after Friday? Fine, she can stay home and occupy herself quietly while you work.

I wonder how many dads are rushing home from the office to pick up their 12 year old daughters because they didn't like school (understandable) or summer camp (probably underestimated what it would be like). Then judged if they don't.

There's an expectation on mothers to be always emotionally available, but not on dads the vast majority of the time. It's not possible as a single parent (or lone parent)! you can't be the breadwinner and endlessly available.

Some of the suggestions on here have been great- get an older teen in to 'b around', chat to her about going on camps/building up what to do if you feel anxious/stressed in these situations, the odd pick up is fine.

I don't read the OP as making her dd stay at school when she's sick, quite the opposite!

My dd has been like this this year. She has had a difficult year and was frequently going to the school sickness suite. Ive stopped collecting her as she was always stresses rather than sick. She is now always back in lessons and fine later in the day. Ask if she has been physically sick? Is there bleeding? Is something broken? No? Back to class.

There isn’t an easy answer OP. It won’t do your DD any harm to see your frustration now and again, you are only human. I’ve been through a similar situation and tried all the explanations, consequences, bribes etc and nothing worked. DDs behaviour is telling you that she is anxious and that she wants to be home with you. You are the one person in her world that makes her feel safe. You are obviously doing a brilliant job as her Mum to have that lovely relationship - but it is incredibly difficult when you work and can’t drop everything at a moment’s notice. I don’t have any advice other than to say I sympathise - it’s a hugely stressful situation. Make sure you are ‘topping up your reserves’ and protect your own mental health so you have the strength to support her. Good luck.

OP, I'm not trying to be harsh but if you lose your job because you've dropped everything to attend to a non-emergency, that's on you. It's really not fair to guilt-trip a kid because you're struggling with boundaries.

I think because she is 12 you need to explain work disciplinary process, that there are other members of staff who don't leave during the day to collect a child. Make it something she can relate to, ie if a teacher had to leave mid lesson and it happened more than once would the school keep that teacher or hire one that wouldn't abandon their job in the middle of it.

Also if you are fired for being flaky then what company will want to hire someone who is flaky? That the new employer asks the old employer for a reference and what does she think that will say about you? That you could end up on significantly less money because you will have to take whatever job you can to pay bills. Explain bills to her like the mortgage/rent and what happens if you don't pay. She needs to see the reality of what she is jeopardising especially as you are the only one bringing in a wage.

At 12 she needs to see how the world works anyway, that although you can abandon a sports club she will need to learn to stick with stuff, even if she doesn't like it. I am not talking about pushing through with huge mental health issues but just because she doesn't feel like it. I think getting her to make decisions about her life as a PP poster said, choose a body wash, choose where to eat or what to eat, give her some control of her life so she isn't constantly deferring to you.