Feel like DD has tried to sabotage me again and feel furious.

[MouthoftheSouth]

Help me process this a bit: I'm emotionally all over the place about this and don't trust my own reactions. Want to walk a line between being compassionate and understanding and not being a walkover. and don't know where I am on that line.

DD (12) had a rough year 7 last year and had to have counselling to deal with some difficult feelings. One of the manifestations of this was that she went through a period of asking teachers to call me during the working day and ask me to come and pick her up from school. (This happened maybe 3-4 times).

Obviously this wasn't workable (apart from anything else I work FT) and it caused a bit of a flashpoint with school, resulting in them asking me to get her some help because it was disruptive etc. She was processing some difficult things, such as the death of my father during COVID etc, so they were compassionate about it but she also had to learn that this isn't acceptable behaviour and work on her resilience etc.

She had counselling and things improved a lot, so by the third term of Year 7 it had stopped. She generally is in a much better place and her confidence and resilience has improved.

Yesterday she had the first of three days of a summer club which was a real hassle to get to. I started work later to drop her off and within an hour of leaving her there got a call from one of the supervisors to say she was feeling ill, so I had to schlepp back up there to pick her up again.

I suspected that she wasn't really ill but didn't want to be there and when I questioned her about this in detail this turned out to be true: she just didn't really enjoy it and wanted to come home (basically didn't like the feel of it). I was beyond furious and it took me a few hours to climb down. It made me so angry that she just presumed I could drop everything to pick her up just because she wasn't enjoying it.

She's very dependent on me in many ways for her age (I'm a lone parent and we are very close). I love her to distraction and I am and always will be there for her but am really trying to push her to be more independent and resilient, partly for her sake but also because I need freedom to work in order to support her (I usually work from home) so I can't constantly be asked to disrupt my working day.

I increasingly also feel quite stifled by her neediness. It's very hard for me to do anything on my own without her wanting to be involved or feeling she has a right to be involved in everything I do and I often feel I'm not allowed any space to be on my own or with my partner (who doesn't live with us) without her having to be involved. I feel at some level that she is sometimes quite manipulative and will invent problems if they give her an excuse to disrupt my working day. Obviously it's shit that I have to work this much to support her, but that's the reality of my life.

I felt after the counselling that we were making some progress but she seems to have backtracked.

Having to pick her up half way through the working day for no reason is a massive, massive hassle for me and got me into loads of trouble. She knows this full well and she knows how upset I am that she's ignored this because she was feeling a bit of mild discomfort. I'm trying not to make her feel awful and I made sure we didn't go to bed on an argument last night and had a nice evening with lots of hugs etc but I'm still absolutely seething inside and can't let it go.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more hardline about this or am I being unkind? I'm at my wits' end with it and starting to honestly feel quite resentful.

You can’t build resilience without challenge, I’m not sure picking her up is helping her. I do think it’s ok to show frustration and unhappiness, it’s a part of life, that’s different from bawling out your kid, you are teaching them that their behaviour does affect others.

Sounds difficult OP, to me you sound like a super responsive mum who very much centres your daughter. I think she’s got used to you as a safety blanket. Does she struggle to form friendships? Is that the thing? Because if she shows up and engages with other people who love her sport then she will build relationships but opting out half way through the day is putting stumbling blocks in her own way.

Of course it's on me, I totally understand that. I'm coming on here as a sounding board because I'm struggling to cope with it. I've gone out of my way not to communicate to DD how pissed off I am. But sometimes you just need to let off steam.

As I said upthread I really sympathise, you definitely dont come across as 'me me me', just trying to do the right thing and get that balance between being there for your daughter and helping her gain a bit of resilience which kids really need. As someone else commented, you dont hear many Dads getting guilt-tripped for not dropping everything for their kids do you...

It really isn't about you
But it affects op. If she is getting hassle for popping out of work every time dd demands it it does become about the OP.
How many people could jeep doing that in their job. I could sometimes but if I'm at court or in a CP review I just can't say that I've got to go.
I agree that 12 is a tricky age but I disagree that she needs to be picked up everytime she claims unwell. I would be telling her the tale of the boy that cried wolf.
At some point she has to learn resilience. We all have to do things we don't want sometimes.
You are a mum first, always. Work shouldn't give you hassle about picking your child up, you can always work later.
That is not always possible. I can't run out of one of my sessions and leave the group of young people I'm working with in the middle of the Trough of Bowland and say see you later, I'll catch you tonight.
Not everyone can can catch up with work.

There’s an awful lot of pressure on you and I can totally understand the pressure and frustration.

But she is only 12.

I would gently reason with her and let her stay at home today.

Let the dust settle and encourage her to go in a couple of days time to try it again, but under the proviso that she has to stay there all day.

She is bound to love it, and I would slowly build up the days she does.

She really is so young and sensitive and she needs some gentle handling to build up her confidence and get her going in the right direction.

You made me laugh when you said, she likes to be with you all the time. My DS is 16 and never wants to spend much time at all with us.

Be careful what you wish for.

Thanks. You're totally right and I have tried to communicate to her that sometimes resilience means sticking things out even if they are tough.

She doesn't really struggle with friendships, no: she's pretty good at making and keeping friends. She's had a bit of a tricky transition to secondary (not traumatic, just usual bumps in the road) and is at a different school to a lot of her primary friends but has generally managed keeping in touch with them fairly well, and I'm quite proud of the way she's done that.

:). Steam away.

it’s a pain in the arse. I remember.

from experience my ‘clingy ones’ had pretty much reset by the time they’d turned 13/14 and were more inclined to want to hang out with friends etc over the holidays.

@BackAgainstWall

op probably does wish for that because that’s how it should be for a 16 year old

Your dd will know you are mad OP so I think best just to own it. Be clear it was OK this once but it can’t happen again.

Maybe you have to assume the worst from now on and be clear that unless she has actually been sick then there will be no pick up. Or can you put the ex H as contact ? You say he’s flaky so she know she will take her chances.

Do you have a white board ? Maybe write up some ‘rules’ about holiday club / school so she’s clear on what the expectations are.

Dr Laura Markham is great, have a look at her website - Aha parenting

I had this for a while with my son, around this age. He was always quite anxious, and one teacher was pretty dire (openly admitted to us at parents' evening that she had hoped to retire early and was pissed off to be teaching). At one point he was regularly going home with "headaches" - when questioned, he admitted he just couldn't stand being in the lesson.

Got him therapy for his anxiety eventually, which really helped, but took ages to organise. Until then, basically he and I came to an agreement that he could take 3 days off a year for stress - i.e. I'd go along with the fake illness - and that if he could, he would grit his teeth during the lesson and then discuss the issue with me later so we could work out how best to deal with it.

After that, he didn't even take the full 3 days we'd agreed on. I think it helped just to know I was on his side. He's now all grown up and working, and this did not make him into a skiver :)

She's grieving and trying to get out of school/summer club to spend more time with you. You could either tell the club, sorry I'm not able to collect until I finish work. That would end her requests to leave early. Or you could leave her at home alone, because she's 12.

This. And when she does feign illness, shut off the WiFi and television.

@LuckySantangelo35
If that’s how it should be at 16 (and it is extreme), my point is the the OP should be aware of that, if she isn’t already.

I've done that already :)

It's not about you, it's separation anxiety. Sounds a bit like DD2 who has anxiety, ADHD and ASD. It's tough for a single parent in particular but some kids just take longer to do things than others. DD1 was uber independent even as a baby, DD2 has always needed more help and support for some things. Parenting exactly the same- they are individuals.

Fair enough, it sounds rough for you both 🌸

If it's full on anxiety, it doesn't matter how much carrot and stick you use, it doesn't change anything but just makes them feel shit when you punish them for a mental health issue.

You are so deeply lacking in compassion and understand for your own child it’s sickening. She’s a 12 year old child, she’s not sabotaging anything. Of course she’s needy, she’s a child!! You feel stifled by her? Tough shit, she’s your child.

She just doesnt like holiday clubs which is understandable. Rather than chill at home after a school year she is packed off to a holday club.,But the point is you have to work and unless you can come up with an alternative arrangement there isn't any option but for her to go. Unkess she could stay at home. But 12 is a bit young to be left all day.

Totally reasonable to blow off steam here - fire away!

It's horrifically frustrating to have to keep juggling work and her disrupting that. Like others, I bet she's not intending to be naughty, but teenagers are very self conscious and self-centred - her embarassment and discomfort might be making her feel really awful and she may not be able to see how to get through the day without you picking her up.

It's sounds like you're being supportive as much as you can. Do try to keep encouraging resilience and mildly remind her of real life consequences - you HAVE to work and even if you didn't you have a right to your own life as well as being her mum. Keep it as gentle and calm as you can and don't guilt trip her - save the fury for on here!

Seeif you can get to the bottom of what is making her feel uncomfortable and try and help her - role play, or ask her for different options. It's not easy, but it'll be much harder in ayear or two so best to try now if you can. Teenagers need to feel heard, but often won't take the first step on their own, particularly with parents.

Gosh OP this is the sort of thread that makes me glad I never had kids! If I had, based on this I think I would have kept them in a small locked cage under the stairs.

So please take my suggestion with a pinch of salt, as I am not speaking from experience as a mother - only as someone who is very busy with work and can imagine the impact of this kind of disruption.

Is there any way her calling you away from work could have consequences that help you, i.e. once she gets home, she must do something that helps to buy you that time back, such as helping with dinner preparations, doing housework?

Can she cook? Is this a life skill you could have fun learning/sharing at weekends?

Sorry, thought I was clear that my experiences were similar as in not the same as your DD. What I went through is the path that you might go down if you decide to get tougher on your DD, which you have said you are seriously considering.

I totally understand the frustration of needing to work and wanting your own space a bit, and that what your daughter has done is annoying. I would be annoyed too. But at the same time, it seems like she has done this calling you to come and get her only a handful of times. It sounds like it could be a real need from her, feeling she can't cope and wanting you, wanting to be home (not always, but from time to time) and wanting to join in with you. It just sounds, honestly, like she really needs you rather than manipulation (or the manipulation is that she wants to test and check you are still there for her and fears losing you). I went to an event recently for my kids school, chose to be there, wanted to be there but then felt overwhelmed with anxiety when I was there (there were some issues going on in the background) and had to force myself to plaster on a fake smile and stay till the end. It doesn't mean that I won't be fine and dandy on another day, but even as an adult there are some days when I just can't do it. It's great to hear that you were able to have lots of hugs with her and did go and get her. I know "she needs to learn", I think that a lot myself with my children, but also...needing reassurance is a need too. It sounds like she has improved a lot, help her to keep working on her confidence and try again.

You are so deeply lacking in compassion and understand for your own child it’s sickening. She’s a 12 year old child, she’s not sabotaging anything. Of course she’s needy, she’s a child!! You feel stifled by her? Tough shit, she’s your child.
What a load of shit.
Can you just leave work at any time. If yes, that's amazing. Unfortunately most people can't.
Of course it's stiffling if you are single parent and everything is on you from keeping a job so that you have a home and food to supporting you kids all at yhe same time.
Shitty posts saying tough shit is worse than useless because all you have done is slate the op without offering a solution.
Now what would your suggestion be to the op who is clearly spinning plates to try and keep everyone happy?

Think that's a bit uncalled for, feels like you're going out of your way to make me feel even worse. Of course I understand she's my child. If I didn't grasp that I'd hardly be having this discussion.

I don't mind tough love but this just comes across as spite tbh.