Feel like DD has tried to sabotage me again and feel furious.

[MouthoftheSouth]

Help me process this a bit: I'm emotionally all over the place about this and don't trust my own reactions. Want to walk a line between being compassionate and understanding and not being a walkover. and don't know where I am on that line.

DD (12) had a rough year 7 last year and had to have counselling to deal with some difficult feelings. One of the manifestations of this was that she went through a period of asking teachers to call me during the working day and ask me to come and pick her up from school. (This happened maybe 3-4 times).

Obviously this wasn't workable (apart from anything else I work FT) and it caused a bit of a flashpoint with school, resulting in them asking me to get her some help because it was disruptive etc. She was processing some difficult things, such as the death of my father during COVID etc, so they were compassionate about it but she also had to learn that this isn't acceptable behaviour and work on her resilience etc.

She had counselling and things improved a lot, so by the third term of Year 7 it had stopped. She generally is in a much better place and her confidence and resilience has improved.

Yesterday she had the first of three days of a summer club which was a real hassle to get to. I started work later to drop her off and within an hour of leaving her there got a call from one of the supervisors to say she was feeling ill, so I had to schlepp back up there to pick her up again.

I suspected that she wasn't really ill but didn't want to be there and when I questioned her about this in detail this turned out to be true: she just didn't really enjoy it and wanted to come home (basically didn't like the feel of it). I was beyond furious and it took me a few hours to climb down. It made me so angry that she just presumed I could drop everything to pick her up just because she wasn't enjoying it.

She's very dependent on me in many ways for her age (I'm a lone parent and we are very close). I love her to distraction and I am and always will be there for her but am really trying to push her to be more independent and resilient, partly for her sake but also because I need freedom to work in order to support her (I usually work from home) so I can't constantly be asked to disrupt my working day.

I increasingly also feel quite stifled by her neediness. It's very hard for me to do anything on my own without her wanting to be involved or feeling she has a right to be involved in everything I do and I often feel I'm not allowed any space to be on my own or with my partner (who doesn't live with us) without her having to be involved. I feel at some level that she is sometimes quite manipulative and will invent problems if they give her an excuse to disrupt my working day. Obviously it's shit that I have to work this much to support her, but that's the reality of my life.

I felt after the counselling that we were making some progress but she seems to have backtracked.

Having to pick her up half way through the working day for no reason is a massive, massive hassle for me and got me into loads of trouble. She knows this full well and she knows how upset I am that she's ignored this because she was feeling a bit of mild discomfort. I'm trying not to make her feel awful and I made sure we didn't go to bed on an argument last night and had a nice evening with lots of hugs etc but I'm still absolutely seething inside and can't let it go.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more hardline about this or am I being unkind? I'm at my wits' end with it and starting to honestly feel quite resentful.

@SqueakyDinosaur

Different age, I know, and different presenting problem, but TB talks about the need to develop "frustration tolerance" and "distress tolerance", and it sounds like your daughter is also low on these.

I think that's probably fair, yes.

She does have great difficulty comprehending that when I'm working I'm really working and not persuadable to go out to the park etc.

I do always build in time during every day for a bit of time with her: a short park trip or something else, so she never feels totally alone all day, but she still struggles a bit to grasp that she can't just wander in and distract me. This is partly why I wanted her to go to a club, honestly.

It's very strange, as well, because COVID was one of the hardest periods of my life. I absolutely hated that period because I was working 10+ hours a day in my room to keep the lights on while DD was next door. It broke my heart. But she looks back on it fondly because I was at home all day (even though we barely spent any time together). Funny old world.

My son is 14 and when he was 12 I wasn’t organising stuff for him to do, and he certainly didn’t do any kind of holiday clubs. Once at secondary they need to really start to get on with entertaining themselves really.

She wanted to go to the club, she messed up your working day, the natural consequence of that is that she doesn’t go to the club and makes her own entertainment.

I know many would baulk at that, but at the age of 12 they need to start to be developing some kind of independence, maybe depending on where you live going out and meeting friends etc.

I think what's also visible in this thread is that mothers get blamed for everything, even when they are doing everything. Absent dads, not so much.

That rant by America Farrera in the Barbie movie about women never being right, whatever they do has never looked more relevant!

I think using this forum to vent and get things off your chest was better than being visibly annoyed with your daughter.
Being a 12 year old going through puberty etc is hard and she's fortunate to have you as you are trying to understand and be there for her, but a balance needs to be struck so you don't have your boss chewing your ear off etc.
Her anxiety at new things may well be causing her to have physical symptoms and to feel unwell, and of course when she sees you they all vanish because you're her safe constant person. It's maybe about helping her to understand her anxiety and how it might make her feel, and giving her some tools to help eg breathing, thinking of a special place or memory where she felt safe. That would hopefully help her to build resilience and self-help strategies.

Not sure why Op is being given out shite and her flaky dad gets away Scot free

@Dixiechickonhols that's such a sensible post and the bit about talking while youre driving is spot on, I still do this with my DD(21) now if there's a sensitive subject to address! Also that kids need to understand that feeling butterflies or whatever is a normal reaction that most people would have.

@MouthoftheSouth can you not access any counselling through your job? It sounds like you work for a big/successful organisation so it might be available if you feel it would help.

@LuckySantangelo35 agree 100% but it always seems to be the way doesnt it.

@WildSideWalk

@MouthoftheSouthcan you not access any counselling through your job? It sounds like you work for a big/successful organisation so it might be available if you feel it would help.

I can't get counselling directly through work although it might be covered by my health insurance.

It's less the cost tbh, it's more that it's yet another thing to be scheduled and found time for.

At risk of sounding like a complete arsehole, time is the thing which I'm really short of, as opposed to money.

Not sure what point you are trying to make as unless I've missed it OP mentions nothing about SEN of any kind.

I assume if OP has such concerns will need to go to GP and start tying to get diagnosis and deal with the usually poor SEN support - something sadly I do have first hand experience of and yes you do need to adjust expectations to their situation.

However as there seem to be no such concerns and having expectation of attendance of a NT 12 year old and not as some posters prior to my post suggesting this was unreasonable till 14 or 15 - even with some SEN it's not unreasonable depends on the situation and child.

The OP is sole wage earner and everything else - and IMO 12 is old enough to understand this and what this means. The OP has clearly tried very hard to get to bottom of why her child appears to be struggling.

Op - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/teenagers I've often found better for practical suggestions posters are more likely to have teens or have gone through similar or worse situations and some like above will have found underlying reasons like ASD- so could help you keep an eye out for signs and others will have NT teens who just boundary pushed.

What would be the point? He's not here to hear it. Whereas OP has asked for advice.

To answer the question about EBSA:

I don't have any reason to believe DD has SEN: she hasn't been formally assessed but it has never been flagged to me as a concern by any teachers or carers and her counsellor, who sees a lot of children with SEN and particularly children with ADHD, doesn't see any evidence of this (and I've asked the question specifically).

She hasn't yet showed any evidence of school refusal and she's actually in quite a good place as regards school at the moment.

But she does lack resilience, as discussed. Something to keep an eye on but no more red flags for now than for any other child I think.

@GardeningIdiot

What would be the point? He's not here to hear it. Whereas OP has asked for advice.

You're right in a very direct sense that there's no "point": this is about me and my relationship with my DD. It's my problem not his.

But in a broader sense @LuckySantangelo35 is right: this is a society-wide issue in that many women are left in a situation where they have to do all the financial, emotional, logistical and mental heavy lifting in raising children.

The fact that a man isn't involved in raising his children doesn't have to be a disaster and in many respects I'm glad it all falls to me and I don't have to factor my ex into my financial or childcare considerations because frankly he would not be helpful. I'm much more capable than he is and much better at supporting my DD emotionally and logistically (and frankly much better off) so why complicate things by adding a disorganised and unreliable man into the mix.

But the fact he does very little beyond take her out to lunch once a fortnight and buy her the occasional new coat does push all of this onto me. If I am less strong, less reliable, less solvent and less tolerant than a woman who remains married to the father of her children then that comes as a direct result of his lack of competence.

And the fact that its me who is judged on the shortcomings in her parenting and not him, despite the fact that I do about 98% of everything, does make me angry sometimes, yes. I'd be slightly mad if it didn't.

Sorry OP, I didn't read the whole thread but I'm also a singe mother to a daughter who is only a year older than yours, so I sympathise.

However, I can't understand why you don't let her stay at home if you WFH? why does she need to go to a holiday club? Seems odd at that age.

I discovered that holiday clubs, even when advertised for up to 12, focused more on younger children. Had a couple of episodes around this age when I was trying to provide some different activities alongside my usual benign neglect that were not well received. Apparently, 12 year olds are too sophisticated to do cake decorating alongside 5 year olds.

So - is it possible that even if DD wanted to do the activity it didn't meet with her expectations? Is there is an opportunity here to build some resilience? One by admitting it wasn't what she thought so that she knows what to look for in future and two, by acknowledging that when we get things wrong - regardless if it was your error, hers or a joint stuff up - it's still good to crack on and make the best of it.

I also think as a parent you can verbalise resilience. You almost certainly model it, but does she know that you too have doubts? She may actually see you as a strong superwoman because she knows you've had to be. Could you try being open in an age appropriate way with her? I've got a stressful day tomorrow so I need to put my big girl pants on. I had a rubbish meeting today, it was hard not to tell x what I thought of them.

Just start drip feeding that she doesn't have to be perfect. It might help her.

I've answered this upthread: she is staying at home most of the summer but she specifically asked to go to this club.

Sorry, I shouldn't have been lazy and should have read your posts. I'd be absolutely furious if I was you. You're much calmer than I'd be 🥶

If she doesn't like a place she doesn't like a place, to be fair.

I went to holiday programmes but I didn't dislike them so much that I asked to go home.

Are there any other programmes she could try? My one was run at a local school.

If she doesn't like a place she doesn't like a place, to be fair.

Don't you think she could have powered through until the end of the day?

this is a society-wide issue in that many women are left in a situation where they have to do all the financial, emotional, logistical and mental heavy lifting in raising children.

Absolutely agree. It's appalling.

What a load of sanctimonious bullsh1t.
MN really can be a vicious and nasty place at times.

If it’s just ‘doesn’t like’ at 12 I think she should be able to understand she wanted to go, it cost money, mum taken her (time/petrol) and mum at work until 5pm so can’t easily get you.
I think that’s Op’s frustration.
By all means tell mum in evening it wasn’t your cup of tea and don’t book on again but not what expected, bit boring etc..suck it up.
I don’t think lack of resilience is a sign anything else like adhd going on it’s a common issue with this age group and there’s a big range in how they approach things.

I would try to pre empt this happening to build up her coping kit. What can you do if...? Who can help? So it's not just 'agh I feel rubbish I need mum to regulate me!'

Maybe talk to the club about giving her a chill out area that she can go to with books or something if she feels she needs a break from the activities or is over whelmed and ask if someone kind can keep an eye on her and help her socialize

You are overthinking this. She is being naughty. Just shout at her so she knows she's in the wrong and make sure she knows if it happens again she has to do chores to cover your lost pay.

I completely understand your situation and the frustration generated by it. This is one of this situations that it doesn't matter what you do because something is going to be wrong. It is mummy guilt. Don't let it drag you down, you are doing the best you can do.

Of course you want the best and be there for you DD, of course you want her to be able to handle her feelings and emotions and of course you want to work in a good environment without disruptions.

Do little improvements to make her more independent. Reassure her that you are there even if you are not in the same place.

Small steps that will lead both of you to a better situation when she can enjoy her stuff and you won't have to be worried about any call.

It may take time but you will get there.

Second this. Of course you'd be a much better parent if her father stepped up and took some of the load off your shoulders. It's hard to keep going when you're running on empty. You're doing the best that you can in the circumstances because that's all you can do.

Give yourself a pat on the back because no one else will and, as this thread shows, lots of people will tear you down for not being unrealistically perfect. You're the parent who actually cares about your DD, who has stuck around and built her a decent life. And it's ok for there to be a limit in what you can give.

I know another poster referenced the Barbie film but if you haven’t seen it it could be a nice mother/daughter trip one evening and an easy lead into conversations especially the America Feirra/tween daughter dynamic.