Feel like DD has tried to sabotage me again and feel furious.

[MouthoftheSouth]

Help me process this a bit: I'm emotionally all over the place about this and don't trust my own reactions. Want to walk a line between being compassionate and understanding and not being a walkover. and don't know where I am on that line.

DD (12) had a rough year 7 last year and had to have counselling to deal with some difficult feelings. One of the manifestations of this was that she went through a period of asking teachers to call me during the working day and ask me to come and pick her up from school. (This happened maybe 3-4 times).

Obviously this wasn't workable (apart from anything else I work FT) and it caused a bit of a flashpoint with school, resulting in them asking me to get her some help because it was disruptive etc. She was processing some difficult things, such as the death of my father during COVID etc, so they were compassionate about it but she also had to learn that this isn't acceptable behaviour and work on her resilience etc.

She had counselling and things improved a lot, so by the third term of Year 7 it had stopped. She generally is in a much better place and her confidence and resilience has improved.

Yesterday she had the first of three days of a summer club which was a real hassle to get to. I started work later to drop her off and within an hour of leaving her there got a call from one of the supervisors to say she was feeling ill, so I had to schlepp back up there to pick her up again.

I suspected that she wasn't really ill but didn't want to be there and when I questioned her about this in detail this turned out to be true: she just didn't really enjoy it and wanted to come home (basically didn't like the feel of it). I was beyond furious and it took me a few hours to climb down. It made me so angry that she just presumed I could drop everything to pick her up just because she wasn't enjoying it.

She's very dependent on me in many ways for her age (I'm a lone parent and we are very close). I love her to distraction and I am and always will be there for her but am really trying to push her to be more independent and resilient, partly for her sake but also because I need freedom to work in order to support her (I usually work from home) so I can't constantly be asked to disrupt my working day.

I increasingly also feel quite stifled by her neediness. It's very hard for me to do anything on my own without her wanting to be involved or feeling she has a right to be involved in everything I do and I often feel I'm not allowed any space to be on my own or with my partner (who doesn't live with us) without her having to be involved. I feel at some level that she is sometimes quite manipulative and will invent problems if they give her an excuse to disrupt my working day. Obviously it's shit that I have to work this much to support her, but that's the reality of my life.

I felt after the counselling that we were making some progress but she seems to have backtracked.

Having to pick her up half way through the working day for no reason is a massive, massive hassle for me and got me into loads of trouble. She knows this full well and she knows how upset I am that she's ignored this because she was feeling a bit of mild discomfort. I'm trying not to make her feel awful and I made sure we didn't go to bed on an argument last night and had a nice evening with lots of hugs etc but I'm still absolutely seething inside and can't let it go.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more hardline about this or am I being unkind? I'm at my wits' end with it and starting to honestly feel quite resentful.

Honestly I realise most people disagree with this but I feel that you have to be fairly tough on this as your work isn’t optional. What happens when she gets picked up (where does she go etc), is there a way to make that more boring?

Your daughter has had a tough year but unfortunately that doesn’t mean you get free money to support you both. It’s great that you’ve been working on her confidence and I’m sure you’ll keep doing that.

Thanks yes I was also fairly frustrated by that comment: I’ve been with my partner for five years and still only see him twice a week specifically to take DD’s needs into account but there you go, some people feel very militant about this.

DD’s dad is “around” in the sense that he is in her life and we both have fairly good relationships with him but he is pretty flaky and absolutely can’t be relied upon to do anything practical to support. I don’t think he’s ever done a single pick up or drop off. That’s one of the reasons we separated.

Why does she have to go to holiday club if she's 12?

She wanted to go to this club: it’s a sport she loves.

You are a mum first, always. Work shouldn't give you hassle about picking your child up, you can always work later.

I personally think you focus on your work too much - I think this because I do the same. Someone has to keep the roof over our heads. Ie it's a huge responsibility. But it's an adults responsibility not your DDs, so manage it.

Have you spoken to her about how what she does impacts your work? If not, then use it to help her grow. Don't be resentful.

When you talk to her, be specific. Talk about what happened yesterday, talk about what transpired at work, how it means you have to work to make up the time etc which means you telwo get less time together. This isn't to guilt her it's so she understands there's a consequence to her asking to be collected when she is fed up and that you both have to deal with that impact. Tell her you love her and want her to be happy. Empathise with her - it is crappy when you're not enjoying something yet could be at home, but it's not the end if the world. Explore with her how she felt and why so yiu can help her work out what to do differently.

I agree with you, she needs to tough it out sometimes, but you sound resentful and that won't help her become more independent.

Quite apart from ops answer of her wanting to do it, it isn't much fun at 12 to have to essentially spend the day alone AND have to be mindful of making any noise around the house because OP is working there.

That’s really hard
i do also think it’s a tricky in between age for holiday childcare/clubs. My Yr7 would no way like to go to a club as she’s quite shy, she’s more than happy chilling at home while I work in the office or from home

I'd also talk to her about the boy who cried wolf. That if she keeps phoning when she's not ill, one day she'll phone and you will not take her actual illness seriously. She's old enough to tough things out a bit.

I know what you mean about not wanting to be that parent! Otoh some clubs can be run by relatively young adults not used to being a little bit tough on kids. Give the club permission to say things like "see how you are in an hour, then we'll speak to mum". We got a student through Duke of Edinburgh saying this. Sometimes the early teens need permission to cope if you see what I mean. Obviously it's all a balance, if she's not OK, the she needs collecting. But it sounds like she could have stayed yesterday with a bit of tough love.

Probably going to be flamed but here goes

She is 12 and while you have done well to support her with counselling often these things are not go and get ‘fixed’ it requires work by everyone including you as a parent, continuously.

the post comes off very me me me and I understand it’s hard and not easy however if the daughter is picking up on that then it’s likely to fuel some of her issues and she may not be able to directly communicate exactly how either.

I would say look at the progress, accept that it won’t be linear. Look to do something for you to give yourself your own time, but continue to look out for your daughter and remember it’s about her not you

It's not about her not wanting to do the club. It's about her not being able to manage doing something for a day that she found slightly uncomfortable or a bit dull when she knew that not doing it was going to have a big impact on her mother.

Children and teenagers are selfish , there's no doubt about it. In a lot of families this would just impact life in a superficial and irritating way. Not emptying the dishwasher or getting the washing in when it rains. But here the OP's job and therefore the whole family security is being threatened.

It's OK people telling her that her child must be listened to but to me the OP sounds as if she is doing everything she can to keep her child happy and looked after whilst also working to support them financially.

I would probe further … I had a few issues where my Ds was I’ll . He restricts fluids so my first response to most things was give him a glass of water . Tbh they started doing that whenever he went to medical - one day he had a headache so sent him down a paracetamol. I also made it clear if I returned from work to collect him I would be returning to work after.
teenagers are very tricky though - soon she will mostly not want to be in the same room as you .
I wouldn’t waste my money on clubs for her - they become very fickle at this age . Often if friends aren’t there won’t entertain it

I personally think you focus on your work too much - I think this because I do the same. Someone has to keep the roof over our heads. Ie it's a huge responsibility. But it's an adults responsibility not your DDs, so manage it.

I try to do this but with the best will in the world my job is very demanding. That's the trade off of being relatively well paid for what I do (which I'm extremely grateful for). It's swings and roundabouts. I'm very lucky that they give me a considerable amount of flexibility in terms of when and where I work, but the quid pro quo is I have a lot of work and I'm my own line manager so taking four hours out of the day to manage my DD's discomfort over a holiday club simply isn't an option. If I did this repeatedly I would get talked to, then warned and eventually fired.

I'm sure that this is absolutely the best job I could get for a single parent with minimal backup: it's well paid, flexible and the people are nice and understand my position and make allowances, but it is very demanding and you take the rough with the smooth.

I tried my absolute best not to communicate to her that I found this frustrating yesterday (and we're on very friendly terms now), but I feel how I feel and yesterday I felt absolutely at breaking point with it.

When she was 7 or 8 I understood that she didn't get it and I basically swallowed my frustration. But at 12, and having gone through the process of trying to unpick the reasons why she still depends so heavily on me emotionally with a counsellor, and having been told by school repeatedly that its not acceptable, I do expect her to develop some understanding of the fact that there are consequences for everyone from her disrupting my working day without good reason.

That would be the case whatever I did for a living and I do expect her to develop a better understanding of this.

I do accept that she isn't really old enough to understand her reactions to this and she does depend on me very much. But downgrading work isn't an option right now.

You are a mum first, always. Work shouldn't give you hassle about picking your child up, you can always work later.

Where does that end though? Is there a scale? Or should she come home for every reason because she's a mum first always.
Forgotten water bottle.
Friend not at school today. Etc

The child was safe at the club that she wanted to go to. She was just not enjoying it.

I can thing of hundreds of jobs where you can't 'work later'. You can't shut a Tesco and tell the people to come back later or reschedule a heart surgery.

This.

Of course I'm a mum first. But with respect that betrays a lack of understanding of how this works in the real world.

If I left my job every time my DD was unhappy I'd lose my job (despite my employer in general being very tolerant) and not be able to support her. There isn't anyone else who can support her so that won't cut it.

@Dibbydoos I'm afraid I have to disagree, you are being paid to work during that time and part of being a single parent is working to meet the financial needs of the household. It's not reasonable to keep cutting short work days unless you have a completely flexible job where this won't matter and your boss doesn't mind. Most do!

I think the thing is here to take the emotion out of it- you getting very cross at her is about the pressure on you of having to do everything, work, household, cleaning, emotional support, even pickups- it's all on you, so it's not surprising you feel pressured.

My rule was if you come home because you are sick, then you don't watch TV or go on your phone til after school hours, I would apply this to holidays where the club has been paid for (probably also annoying as you paid for the bloody thing!)

I might try being a bit honest about what's going on for you and explain that this is not an option when you are at work and why. But without the crossness, position it as a problem you both have to solve together, in neutral terms. She feels scared/lonely/wants you, you need to work to keep the household running, try to reframe this as a together problem, not her against you. you are reacting like this because being a single parent is incredibly demanding and so it feels against you, but that's not true- so take the emotion out of it and see if she can't problem solve herself (see How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk book for how to do this),

So hard OP!

@Highdaysandholidays1

I might try being a bit honest about what's going on for you and explain that this is not an option when you are at work and why. But without the crossness, position it as a problem you both have to solve together, in neutral terms. She feels scared/lonely/wants you, you need to work to keep the household running, try to reframe this as a together problem, not her against you. you are reacting like this because being a single parent is incredibly demanding and so it feels against you, but that's not true- so take the emotion out of it and see if she can't problem solve herself (see How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk book for how to do this).

Thanks. I do try to do this as far as possible and usually I keep it very emotionless but yesterday I just couldn't hide the crossness and frustration. I hear you though.

She does totally understand (in theory) that I'm the breadwinner and its all on me but I don't think a kid who doesn't have to pay bills ever really "gets" it.

I think showing her some of the frustration, without accusing her, is fine, swallowing extreme resentment isn't a way forward, but neither is making her feel bad- try a time when you are not cross and speak about it then to problem-solve the two of you. I reckon she might have some solutions herself.

I don't think you sound 'me me me' at all OP.
I had a very similar issue with my daughter up until quite recently.
I had to explain to her that I can't pick her up every time she has tummy ache/feels sick or I would be sacked and eventually have to move to a shitty house in a shitty area (our town has a notorious shitty area so this hit home!)
I also understand the manipulation side of things, I don't think for one second my daughter tried to manipulate me or understood that her behaviour was manipulative, she was just doing the one thing that worked to get her out of school.
In the end I had the above conversation with her and also spoke to the school nurse and specifically told them she was not to be sent home unless she was at deaths door! They were very understanding and were happy to keep her at school after that.
She still has issues at school (hates it really) but does at least understand I have to do a job (that I hate!) so we all have somewhere to live and food to eat. Maybe if you explain that you are both doing your part to keep a roof over your head she will understand a bit more and be less likely to ask for holiday clubs she doesn't enjoy?

No advice but I can imagine how stressful this must be and how conflicted you must feel. Brings back the feeling of dropping off a howling, clinging toddler at nursery, totally getting why they are upset, but also mega stressed about the prospect of missing the train to get to the job you do in order to support them! Argh 😫 So I wish you and your DD all the best, and you have my sympathy.

You are a mum first, always. Work shouldn't give you hassle about picking your child up, you can always work later.

I've got a friend who says stuff like this. Our children are teenagers now and she still doesn't work because she wants to be home when they get in etc. she thinks that's what they need. Or so she says anyway.

But they have no money. The child who is my child's friend never does out with my dd and her friends because she knows they can't afford it. They went to the Barbie film at the weekend but she couldn't go.

Being a 'mum first' isn't about physically being there at the drop of a hat with a bag of Haribo so they never have to deal with anything at all without her.

The OP is being a mum first by having a career that supports her household.

Thank you. Really appreciate the comments from all of you, even if they are critical.

Crikey the world has changed. When I was a kid I barely went home even if I was ill, as I knew it would make my mum’s life harder. Personally I think you need to remind her of the boy that cried wolf and tell her that if she doesn’t pack it in with the feigned illnesses you won’t know whether to believe her when she really is sick.

@Dibbydoos

ffs of course op has to focus a lot on her work! Should she just give it up! And then what what is and her daughter gonna live on - fresh air?! Working to support her kid IS part of being a mum first.

I agree that your daughter is old enough to have to cope with the fact that you work and, unless she needs to see a doctor, she needs to see out each day of holiday club that she volunteered to attend. Get her to take a book and extra water in case she needs to sit out for an hour or two; have her plan what she will do when she feels over tired.

Is there a mentor in the street who could spend some hours with your daughter each week? - do her homework at your place, bake cakes, walk her dog with your daughter and your dog?
I had a mentor type older friend (daughter of my Mum's friend) and every minute I was with her I felt stronger, more capable and ready to be grown up.

ah op, this is mumsnet- according to lots of people on here, you shouldn’t have a partner until your kid is like 30. Doing something that doesn’t solely benefit your child is a big no, no and seen as v selfish by some posters (it’s not of course, you’re allowed a life of your own)