Feel like DD has tried to sabotage me again and feel furious.

[MouthoftheSouth]

Help me process this a bit: I'm emotionally all over the place about this and don't trust my own reactions. Want to walk a line between being compassionate and understanding and not being a walkover. and don't know where I am on that line.

DD (12) had a rough year 7 last year and had to have counselling to deal with some difficult feelings. One of the manifestations of this was that she went through a period of asking teachers to call me during the working day and ask me to come and pick her up from school. (This happened maybe 3-4 times).

Obviously this wasn't workable (apart from anything else I work FT) and it caused a bit of a flashpoint with school, resulting in them asking me to get her some help because it was disruptive etc. She was processing some difficult things, such as the death of my father during COVID etc, so they were compassionate about it but she also had to learn that this isn't acceptable behaviour and work on her resilience etc.

She had counselling and things improved a lot, so by the third term of Year 7 it had stopped. She generally is in a much better place and her confidence and resilience has improved.

Yesterday she had the first of three days of a summer club which was a real hassle to get to. I started work later to drop her off and within an hour of leaving her there got a call from one of the supervisors to say she was feeling ill, so I had to schlepp back up there to pick her up again.

I suspected that she wasn't really ill but didn't want to be there and when I questioned her about this in detail this turned out to be true: she just didn't really enjoy it and wanted to come home (basically didn't like the feel of it). I was beyond furious and it took me a few hours to climb down. It made me so angry that she just presumed I could drop everything to pick her up just because she wasn't enjoying it.

She's very dependent on me in many ways for her age (I'm a lone parent and we are very close). I love her to distraction and I am and always will be there for her but am really trying to push her to be more independent and resilient, partly for her sake but also because I need freedom to work in order to support her (I usually work from home) so I can't constantly be asked to disrupt my working day.

I increasingly also feel quite stifled by her neediness. It's very hard for me to do anything on my own without her wanting to be involved or feeling she has a right to be involved in everything I do and I often feel I'm not allowed any space to be on my own or with my partner (who doesn't live with us) without her having to be involved. I feel at some level that she is sometimes quite manipulative and will invent problems if they give her an excuse to disrupt my working day. Obviously it's shit that I have to work this much to support her, but that's the reality of my life.

I felt after the counselling that we were making some progress but she seems to have backtracked.

Having to pick her up half way through the working day for no reason is a massive, massive hassle for me and got me into loads of trouble. She knows this full well and she knows how upset I am that she's ignored this because she was feeling a bit of mild discomfort. I'm trying not to make her feel awful and I made sure we didn't go to bed on an argument last night and had a nice evening with lots of hugs etc but I'm still absolutely seething inside and can't let it go.

Am I over-reacting? Should I be more hardline about this or am I being unkind? I'm at my wits' end with it and starting to honestly feel quite resentful.

I haven't read the full thread but the first page was surprisingly unkind to you. I would have been pissed off too. I would count this as bad behaviour - you can't persuade her to see things differently when she's in the completely self-obsessed stage, but if there were clear consequences, perhaps she'd do it a bit less often.

Can you switch off your phone so you can get tasks finished at least before being interrupted by a request to collect her? She could wait a couple of hours. And tell her this will happen!

You should tell her what the consequences of her choice to cry sick were: that you had wasted money on a club, and let down your employer - which have implications for her too.

Of course I feel sorry for her - being 12 sucks - but sorrier for you 😊Chin up and keep going!

I don’t know a single adult who’s never changed their mind after agreeing to do an activity. Whilst I get it’s incredibly inconvenient and disruptive to Op’s work schedule, that’s part a parcel of parenting
The flip side is so.eto.es you have to learn to see things out.
If you arealways allowed to drop out of things the minute you don't like something you will never develop resilience. You will never know if you find actually like the activity once it got going or once you settled down.
Some of the kids I work with have hated an activity to start with but that was usually they were nervous about coming to us or didn't like one part of the activity or whatever. However I can't think of one kid who has stayed and hasn't enjoyed themselves once they got over the initial hesitation.
On the other hand those kids that went home within a couple of hours missed out on opportunities and never gave themselves a chance will never know.
Of course not ever activity isn't for everyone but you've got to give it a reasonable chance.
If you know mum will drop everything and come to get you at a moments notice it is an easy habit to get into when something doesn't go your way.

Sounds a lot like anxiety of one sort or another. She's lost someone, she's facing changes, so she is clingy and anxious. It's very difficult to get the right balance, because you want her to be independent but the danger is that more you try to force it the more anxious and clingy she becomes. The trouble with threats and punishments (or even "consequences" that you enforce in an obvious way) is that they raise the anxiety and that doesn't help so they can actually make the problem worse.

80s "3 days off a year" approach actually sounds quite clever and effective. It gives control to an anxious child, something to hold on to, a sense that "if the worst comes to the worst I can escape" and sometimes just having an escape in your hand is enough to give confidence to carry on.

Especially since she has had a recent loss and she is probably irrationally worried about losing you, another thing you can try is setting a regular time, or times, when you call DD (briefly) each day to check in. If you're in a meeting, you step out of the meeting to call her. What you hope for is that eventually she takes it for granted and will be too busy to bother replying and will just see a "Mum called" message. Ask her how often you'd like her to check in, with any luck it will start high and then if you stick to it her anxiety will drop and the number she needs will reduce. It could give both her and you a bit more control and predictability, plus that's the kind of accommodation an employer and a holiday club should be able to make without you becoming "that parent" or "that employee". And (if this is possible) you could even tell her beforehand that if she asks you to take her home at a check-in then you will collect her after a couple of hours.

Anyway I hope thing get better for you and DD!

I've just explained this once but for again for absolute clarity:

a) I didn't show the anger to my DD beyond an initial reaction after picking her up when I signalled that I thought it was unfair of her to do this (and I'd calmed down after 5-10 minutes). I quickly reassured her and told her why I was frustrated but I kept a lid on my anger for the rest of the day. We ended the day on loving, friendly terms. Beyond keeping a lid on my anger in front of her I'm not sure what else I can do.
b) I do have a lot of empathy, which is why I've sought counselling for her and talked to her in detail about it but the reality is I have to work
c) I don't at present have time or money for counselling for myself on top of counselling for my daughter. It probably would be a good idea but it's fairly far down the list of priorities at the moment.

OP, I also hear you about the therapy. Which single parent, who works full-time, also parents more or less f/t, has the time and money to book counselling? What would you do with your 12 year old whilst you were at counselling one evening? Or perhaps take a half day off work for counselling? If you have a 12 year old there all the time, you can't even have counselling in the house and moan about them as they are there! And pay £60 for the privilege, yourself, out of your sole wage. I have had counselling but currently don't as I can't take half a day off per week to travel to therapy do the therapy and come back. I pay for both children to have weekly therapy- it's over £400 a month for our family.

I can see that some people on here just don't get what it is to be a parent 24/7 and have lots of other obligations weighing on them.

There is YOUR issue 'single parent'

No, I disagree a healthy Mother and child relationship should have clear boundaries ....for the child's sake.

Single parents must stop feeling guilty about their child having only one 'decent..caring..loving' parent.

but you're not her friend, and most importantly - she's not your friend. You're her parent and it's a one way street when it comes to responsibility and support.

If you think of her as your friend you will get frustrated when she is leaning on you or demanding support.

So be a parent - offer support, but also set up a boundaries. Talk to her and explain that while it's normal to go somewhere and decide she doesn't like it, but she needs to give it a go for more than a day and that you cannot pick her up every time the vibe feels off

you are so deeply lacking in any vestige of empathy for a parent who is struggling it’s sickening

I could understand your frustration more if she was 15-16.

She's 12. I have an 11 and 13 DD. It's a crazy age. Sometimes they are so overloaded they need time out. I have anxiety and autism. When I was younger I used to tell my mum I was unwell. I didn't know about mental illnesses and could only describe it as that.

New school / new school year. Friendships. Body image. It's a nightmare at that age.

@Janieforever

The extreme level of your anger and reaction

Oh for god's sake. She wrote in a slightly more colourful way than 'real life' is to get some traction and replies. It's not extreme anger if she didn't let it show to her daughter & finished the evening with hugs! Her work day was ruined and money wasted!

It sounds like utterly normal levels of parental frustration, reflecting a close and loving relationship and serious commitment to earning a living - if she hadn't cared about either, that would be really worrying.

I think the OP sounds like a lovely responsive parent, because she's working it all out on here and listening to replies, not taking it out on her daughter at home. Kind of like free counselling!

She sounds anxious

How many 12 year olds are at the holiday club. I had to use them when my children were little but they tended to be populated with children that were 7/8/9. Would it be possible for her to stay home/meet up with her friends?

Kids need to learn that if you sign up to something you follow through. And sometimes you’ll find yourself at something you don’t necessarily enjoy but you get on with it in order to not put anyone else out. Crikey there’s going to be a generation of self entitled brats coming up. I understand your rage op. She is going to have to learn that she needs to behave in a reasonable manner.

Look up pro bono or pay-what-you-can counselling - and many providers will do it via Zoom

Discomfort and struggle and awkwardness are a part of life.

It's normal to feel uncomfortable in new situations. OP needs to let DD feel those feelings and realise they won't swallow her whole.

That's how we all build resilience and confidence in the long run.

If she collects DD every time she feels uncomfortable then she is depriving her of opportunities for personal growth and maturity, in addition to jeopardising her job and their financial security.

OP, I would be ignoring the phone next time. If it's serious they'll leave a voicemail and you can judge for yourself whether it is worth calling back or pretending you never heard the phone ring.

Reset DDs expectations- tell her your phone will be off and you'll see her at the end of the day. She just has to suck it up. That's life.

OP, you’re letting your daughter behave this way and then getting angry at her for it. Why did you pick her up when you knew she wasn’t ill? She really won’t be feeling great about it all either - probably worse in fact than if you’d just left her to finish out the day at the club.

I think that you need to say to her I won’t pick you up early tomorrow and I’ve told the club that I won’t so please don’t ask them, I’ll see you in the evening and we’ll do something nice then. And then you stick to it. I don’t actually think it’s that complicated. If you’re increasingly resenting your own child but also giving in to her (childish - because she is a child) behaviour, then it’s you who has to be strict with yourself to make that change. This behaviour is clearly emotional for her and not intellectual, so you need to hold the firm boundary that she isn’t yet mature enough to be able to do.

Ha as if OP sounds terrifyingly angry! If an adult can’t let off steam anonymously on the internet about her frustration with a situation without being accused of frightening children, what’s the world coming to? 😂

Yeah don’t be ridiculous @GardeningIdiot

Meant to add, I think you're going to need to start actively building resilience in her while learning to let go yourself, this is harder with single parents because of your dynamic. You may feel like her friend but you're her mother first and your responsibility is to grow her into independence not be her bestie. I tell my DC I love them enough to do what they need over what they want. Admittedly I usually hate it but a necessary evil as the parent.

Do things to build her self-confidence and emotional strength through skills and independence. I've seen real changes in my sons when this happened, it can be initially demanding of your time but it's cheaper than therapy!

Get her spending time alone without childcare and doing more adult tasks like spending time home alone, planning and cooking a meal or organising an outing for you both All situations where she will work through things with less and less support from you.

I don’t know why it is on mumsnet that people are only deserving of compassion when they are a child

but its not even true - people sign up to things and then give up all the time...just think of gym memberships

@Crossornot

Why did you pick her up when you knew she wasn’t ill?

a) I didn't know for certain until I got there and
b) The event manager asked me to.

Yes, but that’s not putting anyone else out is it @PaintedEgg - if it only affects you it doesn’t matter. When your behaviour impacts others (& their job/livelihood!) it really does matter!!

Thanks. This is very measured, sensible advice. I kind of get this in theory but useful to have it spelled out.