He forgot my birthday

[Ratonastick]

It’s my birthday today and it’s a big one. I haven’t really done anything today as I have been doing all sorts at weekends etc, but all my friends remembered. I’ve had lots of parcels and flowers and have generally had a lovely quiet day to myself.

The guy I have been seeing for about a year hasn’t so much as text me. We don’t live together, in fact it’s pretty long distance at the moment though he is planning to relocate to my area next year. He knows it’s today as he was at mine last week and saw me open a card that arrived early. He has a lot on at the moment, but basically he has completely forgotten.

What do I do? Right now I am stewing and wondering whether to text and ask if he has forgotten anything. Or just leave it and see if light dawns over the next few days. I want him to know I am properly upset and for him to realise this is serious. A text would have cost nothing. Booking flowers online after we last saw each other so he didn’t forget would have been easy. He just couldn’t be arsed. He has form for being careless about my feelings, though I don’t doubt that he loves me. I don’t want to give him a get out as this is just crap.

why is it "serious"? and why are you upset?

I would ghost him tbh

Wtf would you ask if he'd forgotten anything?
That's so pathetic, don't do it.

And I would bin him off as well.

Dont play games by waiting to see if he suddenly remembers, just message and tell him that you are upset that he hasnt acknowledged your birthday. You have every right to be upset btw.

That's a sackable offence.

I wouldn't mesaage him today

Because it is my 50th birthday and someone who purports to care for me doesn’t give a fuck.

I think for me it would depend how apologetic he is/bad he feels about it when he realises!
with lots going on and if he isn’t around your with reminders from your friends and family I can see how it could get forgotten but I would be upset especially if he doesn’t think it’s a big deal when he realises.

That’s where I am. I don’t want to give him a chance to laugh it off and be all “oh silly me”. I want him to have to explain why he didn’t care enough to put it in his diary and send me a text.

And happy birthday!!
is he part of any of your celebrations at the weekend?

There not on / if he genuinely didn’t know that’s fair enough but he saw a big clue last week !

I'm not particularly fussed about my birthday, but I'd still be hurt that someone who's supposedly in love with me didn't immediately think "I'll put that in my phone now and set a reminder" so that they would be able to text me on the day. I'd do that if I accidentally found out a colleagues birthday, let alone a partners!

i am pretty sure he will twig in the next day or so. We had a very big conversation about how we felt about each other last week and sorted out a lot of poor communication that has got us into a bit of conflict. I thought we were absolutely on it and golden together. This really upsets me and I think what he does next will be defining. I want him to be authentic in his response, not react to me.

If the relationship was healthy, but he forgot because he was genuinely busy, you would just tell him today because it’s upsetting you But you want to play games and not tell him til tomorrow. It seems an crap relationship and you seem immature. And you’re 50. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Maybe he doesn't think birthdays are a big deal? I wouldn't give it a second thought

He doesn't care, that's the truth of it, I bet he doesn't forget things he enjoys or finds important.
I'd finish it tbh, he had a reminder 1 week ago and still forgot, you are not a priority to him.

OP....Only on Mumsnet would you get a load of posters saying you're in the wrong for being upset that your long term partner forgot a milestone birthday.

It is a big deal and you have every right to be upset.

I would message tomorrow and tell him he's a twat. How he responds will dictate whether he is dumped or not.

I always think those conversations are a bit absurd at this point. I mean “I like steak, do you like steak? I like long walks in the countryside” all that is normal for the first few months but what miscommunications are there really for two adults? I find this usually is a cover for a different conversation—really there is a lack of attunement or a mismatch of intentions/intensity that we prefer to pretend is s communication issue. “Oh I didn’t know you would like your boyfriend to spoil you a bit on your fiftieth! Weird! In my family we get a kick in the teeth and we love it like that!”

Because it’s in the context of last week’s conversation about him not being careless about my feelings. He told me he was mortified that I thought that and that he didn’t mean it and would make more effort. And told me how much he loves it when I make a fuss of him and buy him little gifts because they make me think of him. He’s fallen at the first hurdle and I don’t know what to do next.

Yup. That’s the truth but I don’t want to face it. Happy birthday to me.

Well focus on the people who did care enough to get you something, send flowers or a card or celebrate with you

Seriously? Not a second thought?

I haven't celebrated my birthday for 30 years for various reasons. I don't think birthdays are a particularly big deal.

But I would still acknowledge the birthday of someone I cared about and expect the same of them. That's a really basic level of care tbh.

Prezackly—you told him what you needed and he was all startled and shocked! But really he just is that way—careless if your feelings—and he lied to avoid being accountable. “I hear you and I will do better” was, in fact, a lie.

You haven't quiet about your birthday or said you want no fuss. It's been a year and you have already had lots of issues. Don't let this be your future.