Page 4 | He forgot my birthday

Ratonastick · 2023-07-25T18:57:09+00:00

It’s my birthday today and it’s a big one. I haven’t really done anything today as I have been doing all sorts at weekends etc, but all my friends remembered. I’ve had lots of parcels and flowers and have generally had a lovely quiet day to myself. The guy I have been seeing for about a year hasn’t so much as text me. We don’t live together, in fact it’s pretty long distance at the moment though he is planning to relocate to my area next year. He knows it’s today as he was at mine last week and saw me open a card that arrived early. He has a lot on at the moment, but basically he has completely forgotten. What do I do? Right now I am stewing and wondering whether to text and ask if he has forgotten anything. Or just leave it and see if light dawns over the next few days. I want him to know I am properly upset and for him to realise this is serious. A text would have cost nothing. Booking flowers online after we last saw each other so he didn’t forget would have been easy. He just couldn’t be arsed. He has form for being careless about my feelings, though I don’t doubt that he loves me. I don’t want to give him a get out as this is just crap.

Summerslimtime · 26/07/2023 05:22

We need actions, not words. Sorry op, but what's the point of him?

C1N1C · 26/07/2023 06:42

Big range of replies on here... sackable offence to no biggie.

Some people care, some people don't.

What did you do for his birthday?

Dillydollydingdong · 26/07/2023 06:49

Me and my dbf don't give each other the chance to forget. We talk about birthdays. His is in August and we'll do something, go somewhere. We're going to Brighton for the day and lunch will be included. Mine's in November and we had a few days in Guernsey last year. It's like a test if you don't remind him - a test that he could fail. And he did!

GoodChat · 26/07/2023 06:50

Dillydollydingdong · 26/07/2023 06:49

Me and my dbf don't give each other the chance to forget. We talk about birthdays. His is in August and we'll do something, go somewhere. We're going to Brighton for the day and lunch will be included. Mine's in November and we had a few days in Guernsey last year. It's like a test if you don't remind him - a test that he could fail. And he did!

They spoke about it when he saw her opening a card. She wasn't testing him.

Zanatdy · 26/07/2023 06:56

Well I’d be upset too and you’ve every right to. I’d have it in my diary. Has he not asked you to go for a meal / weekend away? Clearly not. It does show sadly what you mean to him, clearly not enough to prioritise you. Happy Birthday OP, I wouldn’t waste anymore time on him

WilkinsonM · 26/07/2023 06:58

Happy birthday for yesterday.
been together a year, communication is poor, he is careless of your feelings and forgot your birthday.
It's really clear this relationship doesn't have legs, sorry

Poppyblush · 26/07/2023 07:01

why unearth would you stay with somebody who doesn’t prioritise you? get rid.

everyonebutme · 26/07/2023 07:53

It would be a big deal for me especially for a big birthday. Similar thing happened to me on my 50th. I was so upset. I am no longer with him ;-)

blisstwins · 26/07/2023 07:59

I absolutely adore my boyfriend and did not forget the day of his birthday. I had in fact sent a gift that arrived early. But we are also long distance and I forgot what day it was. I was writing the date a day or two after and realized that I had even spoken to him in his birthday without saying happy birthday. I felt and feel terrible he was so gracious. Just say how you feel and don’t let one event define your relationship.

Naunet · 26/07/2023 08:03

JadeClade · 25/07/2023 20:11

Maybe he doesn't think birthdays are a big deal? I wouldn't give it a second thought

Show quote history

Why? Why be so nonchalant about a man you’re dating for a year, not bothering to consider you or show thoughtfulness? I’d say they’re important qualities in a man.

Original poster

Ratonastick · 26/07/2023 08:06

I went to bed deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if I woke up to anything today (we do text first thing most days) and he had just got the day wrong. He text this morning with a very practical question only. I’ve responded as I normally would. Then added another text to ask if anything slipped his mind yesterday. His response will decide whether I bin him today by phone or bin him when I next see him. Either way, this has run its course as I am not spending my 51st birthday like this.

And to the poster that asked, I already have his present and card wrapped as his birthday is in a couple of weeks. I have it to him to take with him, then we decided that I would visit instead and bring it with me. That way we could have a lovely weekend to celebrate his birthday. So yes, he knows I am all set to fuss over him, which makes this even worse.

OP posts:

Naunet · 26/07/2023 08:07

Dillydollydingdong · 26/07/2023 06:49

Me and my dbf don't give each other the chance to forget. We talk about birthdays. His is in August and we'll do something, go somewhere. We're going to Brighton for the day and lunch will be included. Mine's in November and we had a few days in Guernsey last year. It's like a test if you don't remind him - a test that he could fail. And he did!

I love the idea that men need to be reminded about birthdays or it’s a test 😂 Do those rules apply to all of his family members too, if they don’t remind you both their testing you?

Naunet · 26/07/2023 08:08

*They’re

Katrinawaves · 26/07/2023 08:17

I’m sorry this happened to you. Birthdays are important to me too not least because I grew up as an adopted child in a family who rarely remembered mine and never made me feel special. I’m absolutely not the person where you pretend all day to have forgotten my birthday and then spring a surprise celebration on me (as my friends did one year) as the devastation of being ignored all day was not extinguished by the gesture of the surprise!

You say you don’t doubt he loves you and he probably does as you sound great but he clearly doesn’t speak your love language and that’s important in a relationship. If he shows he loves you in other ways which are significant to him but not so much to you, you will be unhappy over time. And likewise he will not appreciate your gestures of love if they are not the ones which resonate with him.

I would just speak to him calmly today and tell him the relationship isn’t working out for you and you want to end it. You could explain that having had the conversation with him about expectations so recently, you were hurt that he ignored your 50th birthday if you like. Or you could just tell him that you’ve given it thought and you are not well suited as a couple and wish him well. But don’t make yourself unhappy hoping he will change as I doubt that he can or will do so.

Belated birthday wishes for yesterday. Please re-read the cards and messages from those who do get it and did make the effort to celebrate the day with you and focus on how much you mean to them.

coodawoodashooda · 26/07/2023 08:23

TomatoSandwiches · 25/07/2023 20:13

He doesn't care, that's the truth of it, I bet he doesn't forget things he enjoys or finds important.
I'd finish it tbh, he had a reminder 1 week ago and still forgot, you are not a priority to him.

Perfect post

Eddielizzard · 26/07/2023 08:30

So you had a conversation where you told him you felt he didn't take your feelings into consideration and you felt hurt a lot of the time. He knew your 50th was a week later. He obvs knows his birthday is in a few weeks time and that you have already bought his gift and you have jointly made plans for his birthday.

Yet he has ignored it. Literally decided not to bother.

I couldn't get past this. I can't imagine what excuse he could come up with that would make this alright. Very upsetting.

Don't accept the crumbs from his table. Find someone to share a tasting menu with instead.

Happy birthday

SleepingStandingUp · 26/07/2023 08:34

Dillydollydingdong · 26/07/2023 06:49

Me and my dbf don't give each other the chance to forget. We talk about birthdays. His is in August and we'll do something, go somewhere. We're going to Brighton for the day and lunch will be included. Mine's in November and we had a few days in Guernsey last year. It's like a test if you don't remind him - a test that he could fail. And he did!

He watched her open a card a week ago, they talked about it then. Messaging him daily with a count down to her birthday is ridiculous.

daisychain01 · 26/07/2023 08:38

Ratonastick · 25/07/2023 20:08

i am pretty sure he will twig in the next day or so. We had a very big conversation about how we felt about each other last week and sorted out a lot of poor communication that has got us into a bit of conflict. I thought we were absolutely on it and golden together. This really upsets me and I think what he does next will be defining. I want him to be authentic in his response, not react to me.

Long distance is no excuse. The fact he can't even be bothered to make a reminder on his mobile a few days In advance , after you being together for a year (so not a few weeks) speaks volumes.

Useless, it's indicative of a bigger malaise added to the communication issues you've had to sort out.

The fact you only describe him as the guy I'm seeing also says a lot.

Loafbeginsat60 · 26/07/2023 08:42

Really rubbish op - I would be so upset too. I wonder what his response will be today

Tulpenkavalier · 26/07/2023 08:50

Ratonastick · 25/07/2023 20:15

Because it’s in the context of last week’s conversation about him not being careless about my feelings. He told me he was mortified that I thought that and that he didn’t mean it and would make more effort. And told me how much he loves it when I make a fuss of him and buy him little gifts because they make me think of him. He’s fallen at the first hurdle and I don’t know what to do next.

Show quote history

This is who he is . He won't change. He will continue to trample on your feelings.

However, why do you "make a fuss of him and buy him little gifts because they make me think of him"? I think you are running after him and he is exerting his power over you by showing you how little he cares. Don't give him - or the next man - this power!

There's a great book that has stood the test of time: WomenWhoLoveTooMuch, by Dr Robin Norwood. I think you'll find it interesting.

Original poster

Ratonastick · 26/07/2023 09:03

His response was a run of emojis and gifs followed by a “happy birthday” text. No apology, no mortification, no embarrassment so no girlfriend by the end of the day.

OP posts:

littlebopeepp234 · 26/07/2023 09:06

Ratonastick · 26/07/2023 08:06

I went to bed deciding to give him the benefit of the doubt and see if I woke up to anything today (we do text first thing most days) and he had just got the day wrong. He text this morning with a very practical question only. I’ve responded as I normally would. Then added another text to ask if anything slipped his mind yesterday. His response will decide whether I bin him today by phone or bin him when I next see him. Either way, this has run its course as I am not spending my 51st birthday like this.

And to the poster that asked, I already have his present and card wrapped as his birthday is in a couple of weeks. I have it to him to take with him, then we decided that I would visit instead and bring it with me. That way we could have a lovely weekend to celebrate his birthday. So yes, he knows I am all set to fuss over him, which makes this even worse.

Honestly op! IF you decide to stay with him after this, I would just do as he has done to you on your birthday! If he hasn’t so much as wished you happy birthday on your bitten why on earth would you make a fuss of him on his! Even if he HAD just forgotten (which I doubt he has) then it just goes to show that you are not high on his list of priorities anyway!

Original poster

Ratonastick · 26/07/2023 09:06

Tulpenkavalier · 26/07/2023 08:50

This is who he is . He won't change. He will continue to trample on your feelings.

However, why do you "make a fuss of him and buy him little gifts because they make me think of him"? I think you are running after him and he is exerting his power over you by showing you how little he cares. Don't give him - or the next man - this power!

There's a great book that has stood the test of time: WomenWhoLoveTooMuch, by Dr Robin Norwood. I think you'll find it interesting.

Show quote history

Frankly, I read it in the 90s and thought it was bollocks then and I think its premise is bollocks now.

For me, a long distance relationship needs a different approach to a regular one. When you are together you need to focus on the time you have and when you are apart you need to communicate well or you will drift apart. Showing someone you think of them when you are apart via the medium of silly trinkets is not a power play.

OP posts:

Shapemyeyebrows · 26/07/2023 09:09

@Ratonastick Yeah he doesn’t care. If he otherwise treated me amazing and put lots of effort in I wouldn’t end it but would tell him I’m upset and make it clear I expected effort on both sides. But if this happened after everything else you have said it would just confirm he really doesn’t care or he’s so self absorbed he doesn’t consider other people. Either way I wouldn’t want a relationship with someone like this.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/07/2023 09:09

I'd dump him. If he can't be bothered this early in the relationship it doesn't bode we for the future.