Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

Up thread I've mentioned I've been on two occasions 25yrs ago and single also young and stupid. I didn't know about coercion and trafficking then. Now being older and hopefully wiser no one should be doing this to earn but in saying that should there be freedom of choice. Just because of certain things in life we don't approve of doesn't give the right to govern people's choices in life. No easy answers.

Here's another Retired Lap Dancer AMA - a long thread with good discussion, may be interesting for people to hear the dancer's views on customers etc.

You're really upset.

That's fine! I really don't understand the posters telling you to suck it up.
You are allowed to have feelings, that's not unreasonable.
Like everything else that goes on in a relationship you are allowed to have a view and your feelings to be considered.
I don't think I've ever and a relationship where I've had to explicitly say "you're not allowed to have sex with other women" for example. But yet we have both understood the unwritten rules because we both knew what sort of relationship we wanted.

You have every right to be upset. I would be too. I don't understand why 'sex work' is being neatly packaged as a jolly good thing for women, if it was that fucking great men would be trying to take it away from us!

It is ok to have a different opinion and this poster DOES have a point.

It’s not something I would divorce over nor view it as cheating. Call me a “cool girl 🙄” if you want, but you’re the one who’s being bitchy to someone simply for having a different perspective.

It genuinely wouldn't and hasn't bothered me when past partner had lap dance and I'm not trying to be cool, people have different feelings. However I would never tell someone else that they can't get angry about it if you have expressed to them that this wound be a crossed boundary for you. Have you spoke about it before and how you would feel if he did this? Because your original post states you always thought you would be ok about it so if you have expressed this in front of your oh he maybe took it at face value

At DC's College, when a lad became Eighteen, he was 'treated' to a lap dance by his mates for his birthday- Not a 'Private' dance though.

Son realises now about exploitation of sex workers.

@DixonD

My first thought too, @Dillane.

I'd not want to have sex with him again so for me the relationship would be over.

I’ve seen this thread mentioned loads but I’ve not actually seen it. Can anyone link to it please?

That is interesting. The Dancer there seemed to earn very well and be safe and liked it.

Yeah, mine.

If my DH did this I'd question whether he'd had a personality transplant because I couldn't imagine him doing something so tacky and demeaning.

Would I be furious? Yes
Do I think it's cheating? No.
I would be having a major discussion about boundaries, but wouldn't leave him over it.

"A few weeks ago we see a post about a woman sucking a stripper's cock, she's advised to keep quiet and not tell her partner*"
What!*
How did I miss that?!

Also my DH’s.

Cricket and a curry.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4840745-ive-been-unfaithful-and-i-dont-know-how-tell-dh?page=1

I'd lose respect for a man who allowed himself to be peer pressured into something.

Still way over the top... it's just looking

It's nothing to do with being cool.. it was just a lap dance and he's told the OP about it and it's not worth breaking up a marriage over

@CallieQ

Hubby is scared to look at attractive women, when in my presence knowing I will react and get upset with him.

And don't get me started about women on tv I'm always eyeing him to see his reactions etc

Yeah I may have issues but don't judge me for it there is a reason for everything.

Not judging but if you feel you have issues maybe try some counselling

I would second some counselling also. Life is not black & white.

OP I can see why you are feeling off about this. I would have an honest discussion with him & explain how you are feeling but, I'd move on after that.

I think your feelings are very, very valid. I’d be equally upset. Unsure if I’d try to work through the relationship or not though.

This is an interesting post. For £40, it won’t have lasted long at all. I know you’re really angry. But I don’t imagine it was as much of a thing as you’re maybe thinking.