Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

My partner is, above all things, honest to a fault. He's been on a stag do, got pulled into a lap dance, he fancied her a bit, mostly felt uncomfortable and told me as soon as he got home. We laughed about it. Did I like it, not really, but would I leave him over it, definitely not,
Theres a big difference between a bloke who pays for lap dances for pleasure than a drunk (usually good) man doing a stupid thing he probably regrets and got very little out of it.
Its a one off, he was honest, you can move past it

🤣

Ewww! 🤮 Just as I suspected.

Jeeeeeeez. Why didn't you just dump him if you felt that aggrieved?

Generalising here, but men get drunk and do stupid things. Men on stag dos tend to get even drunker and do even more stupid things. Never underestimate the herd instinct. If the pack-leader of the herd decides it would be a laugh to shag blow-up dolls, that's what the herd will do. A lap dance doesn't sound pleasant but it's not the end of the world. If the OP's DH had been on his own and not on a stag-do, that would have been far worse

Surely it's not up to her to set the boundary pre-assuming this situation would arise? If he wants a lap dance he needs to check with her first! It's quite obvious it's something your partner may be unhappy about. You don't just assume it's ok because you haven't explicitly talked about it. If everyone behaved like that how many awful things would people be doing behind their partners' backs?

@smilesup a realist in the sense , of some of these comments are so over the top .. he had a lap dance on a stag night get some perspective.. the OP may have children , mortgage a nice life .. and people are telling her to leave .. not all lap dances are forced into this work .. look at the rise in only fans , Instagram photos ect .. I'm
Looking at the bigger picture

Have you ever tried to navigate argos after drinking all afternoon, believe me it's not an easy task. Thanks for the back n forth. 😁

"men get drunk and do stupid things"

Well, if that's all we can expect of men, I think I'd just stay single. My standards for men are higher than one who gets drunk and does stupid things.

Before I was married I might have forgiven a partner for this. But why would a married man ever feel the need to pay a woman to dance about on his lap with their tits in his face. I always thought it was for single lads who can’t get a girl to near them in reality. Or is it a control over woman thing. I can pay you to dance for me and you will love it . Idk . I understand stags end up in these places so I wouldn’t stop DH going on a mates stag . But having a woman dance all over your lap to turn you on. 🤢 If it was happening in a nightclub and they weren’t paying for it no way would people be ok with it . It’s no different to me.

OP you should discuss your feelings with your DH. You didn't know that it would bother you but now that it has actually happened, you feel hurt and cheated on (even if you don't think it's technically cheating). If he's decent, he'll forgo the lap dance in future if he knows it's going to really upset you.

I'm always amazed at how people on these threads insist lapdances don't involve contact, or if they do it's not sexual contact, or if it is sexual the stripper doesn't want to steal your husband so it's not cheating. Then these threads inevitably have people saying male strippers aren't sexy at all and women couldn't possibly find them sexy, even if it was Tatum Channing, etc.

Just stop telling other people how they are supposed to feel.

They're not bloody children! Hell, I got drunk and did some silly things as a teen, now I'm a 45-year-old woman I know what's appropriate and what isn't! I've been with my DH for 27 years, if I found out he'd gotten a lapdance I'd be out of here before she'd gotten her arse out of his face!

I can’t understand all the mockery of supposed “cool girls”. It’s an open forum. There are some women who would not end their marriage over a lap dance, and some women would. Can’t people have different opinions?

I think the cool girl label is fine when there are people insisting it's not cheating and to "get over it ffs". The OP is saying that she can't help her feelings and she feels cheated on and broken. It's just not helpful to come on here and tell her how she should feel.

Men are incredibly sexy when they dance.

You’ve obviously just not seen men who can dance properly.

I personally don’t like male strippers not because they’re not sexy but usually because they have a massive penis and think they’re Gods gift to women and for some reason that really puts me off.

I guess women strippers are also full of themselves to be able to do that job but o don’t find female strippers half as annoying as male strippers.

I wouldn't like it much but I really don't see why it should be such a big issue. And no I wouldnt like my own daughter to earn money this way.

The "cool girls" are the women that come on here and are snidey, condescending and patronising towards the OP. Telling her how "it's no big deal" and how she should "just get over it", because that's what they would do.

It's different when posters say they they wouldn't end their marriage over it but it's entirely up to the OP on what her boundaries are.

I worry about the ethics in relation to this type of work, and obvs don't really like of another woman grinding up against my husband.

However, the context matters. He was probably feeling the peer pressure from his mates at the stag do. Stag do's are dumb and men use them as an excuse to act like idiots. But it's far from cheating imo. Would be much worse if he would have gone to the strip club by himself and got a private room or something.

I know a guy who went on a stag do in Amsterdam and several of the guys involved, including the stag slept with prostitutes, saying it didn't count as it was a stag do.🤮 THAT is definitely cheating.

One thing I really found awful by the way... When I went to Vegas with my then boyfriend 10 years ago there were club promoters handing out leaflets and one of them said to me: 'Your boyfriend has worked hard all year! Why don't you buy him a lapdance at the club?'. We were 23 and 25 and basically looked like teenagers. Bizarre!

Agreed

This thread on I was a lap dancer for 16 years - AMA may be of interest to people for background. I've read in other articles by lap dancers that, in most clubs, no touching is allowed, but it varies.

I would love to know how we have evolved as a society to the point that many people think it's OK for men, including those in committed relationships, to pay young women to get naked and rub their bits all over them. It's just gross on so many levels.

Me too, and not due to jealousy or cheating, but because any man who pays a woman for a sex act has no respect for women and sees them as commodities. Humiliating, surely, to have someone who absolutely does not fancy you or desire to be with you, wriggling about on you naked because they need the money. It is so twisted and horrible, I couldn’t respect my husband after that.

Sorry OP but I couldn't get past it either. Disgusting.

Public dance or private dance?

Yes, some men do go to strip clubs on a stag do - I have no issues with this. If my DH went along into the strip club all fine. If he paid for a private dance in the club - NOT FINE. That's crossing a boundary.

Public dances are a little more complex. On one hand to me it still feels like crossing a line, but then again lots of women pay to go to magic mike style shows and there are public dances on stage as part of the show. So I would have mixed feelings on it.

This is surely a wind~up.
One cannot expect your partner to wear a pair of blinkers. He's bound to look at other people, it's human nature to look at attractive people.

Looking is completely different to having a seedy lap dance.