Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

Your mentality seems to be "Am I not good enough for him? Does he want something else?", when you mentality should be "Is he good enough for me? Is someone who behaves like he does - doesn't remotely pull his weight at home and now uses family money on (light end).sexual services from young women in sleazy clubs good enough for me?

Instead it's all about what he wants, being enough for him, pleasing him ... . Is that why you do everything at home in spite of working full-time.

You sound under the thumb.
Where did you get this mentality from?

Might I add ppl questioned what discussion you had on this subject before he did this ...... Reading ops posts, it should be blatently obvious that he felt needed no such discussion and that he'd do what he likes and op would take it on the chin.

Their relationship & dynamic sounds totally unequal.

Op is here stressing on whether the lap dancer is what he really wants and how she's not like that.

No wonder he is so dismissive of her on the subject.

He is entirely aware of how op thinks and what the dynamic of the relationships is. He's the king of the castle and he's perfectly confident he'll do as he likes and stay in that position.

OP you are not the problem and neither are you lacking! He is the issue question is when you look at the bigger picture is this good enough for you? Get your mojo back and tell him to do one…you really don’t need this.

If you have an otherwise happy marriage, shrug it off. He was probably goaded into it by his mates if she picked I him!!

It might be fact that didn't happen in the club you worked in. However, it is not fact for all of them. It has happened, does happen, and will continue to happen in a lot of places.

That is a fact.

see - i don't think these are "very different things" if both include physical interaction with another person for the explicit purpose to get aroused

your partner derives sexual pleasure from both the random girl at a club grinding at him and from a professional stripper giving him a lap dance. the only difference is that the latter does it for money not her own amusement, but as far as his motivation goes - nothing changes

There's nothing wrong with different opinions, as I've said before on this thread. But saying Too much drama and Pearl clutching is goady and mocking a woman who is in obvious distress and pain.

Any man that has sex with a prostitute is raping her. You can't buy consent!

Sorry the stripper wording had me thinking of non contact stripping in the analogy, loosing track after 800th+ post, re-reading I can see it was in reference to a private dance with the assumption of contact. I’m not going to argue against your clarification.

I asked that question early on in the thread and all I got was tumbleweeds.

It's interesting how some people who work or used to work at strip clubs feel the need to come on these threads and assure everyone that there's nothing sexual going on in strip clubs and the strippers don't want a relationship with your husband, ladies. Facts! Even to the point they try to silence former strippers who share their experiences of body-on-body lap dances and demands for "extras". And a PP said we can't trust results of investigations into wide-spread violations of the laws around sex acts in clubs and we should all just take their word for it or, come in for a lap dance to put our mind at ease. They are either very concerned that wives and partners should not worry about what happens in the private rooms to protect our feelings or they think we're stupid and are trying to protect their bottom line. Maybe both.

@Dogsjj He was not goaded. He chose to do this. He said that no one else in the group knew he did it - I don't believe that bit. I am certain others in the group did it, but I will never know and tbh I'm not interested if others did it

I feel so very inadequate and flit between upset & hurt to anger and rage. I've had a drink every night this week. I am not eating. I have no interest in looking after the house at the moment, the mess/clutter/crap can remain as far as I am concerned. I'm doing my best to carry on working as best as I can.

@Rabbithole90 Sending you hugs. I hope you take care of yourself and manage to enjoy your vacation. I'm sorry you've lost a sense of security in your relationship and I hope that can be rebuilt.

Sorry but WTAF?
Shrug it off?
Her husband has cheated on her and your advise is to shrug it off?
I think you need to read back for the exhausted flea comment as it applies to you.

And so what if he was goaded? Why the fuck was he in there in the first place? And how was he goaded if he went and did it without anyone apparantly noticing?
And how is that even relevant. Oh sorry dear, I had to go and have a naked woman gyrate over me last night because, you know, the lads cheered me on to do it. What could I do? I mean I couldn't possibly disappoint the lads now could I? Much better to ruin your life instead.
Fuck me.
Shrug it off. Heard it all now.

@Sleepydoor thank you. xx

Thank you to everyone who has given me advice, strength & looked out for me. I never ever thought I would be in this situation

I hope a few days away in France wigth your sister will be just the space you need, @Rabbithole90 .

Your DH has behaved disgracefully about the whole thing. He doesn't deserve you.

@GolgafrinchamB thank you. Hopefully we will have a good time. I daren't tell my sister about it all, she would be gunning for him

maybe it would be good for you to have that support

he sucks in so many ways you need to cover for him to protect his image - dont do it. he chose to be an ass, if people see his as such its down to his actions...and having your sister's support would probably benefit you

That's exacxtly what you should be doing - talking it over with someone who loves you and is on your side. You need support and he has no right to your silence.

Yep, another vote here for talking it through with your sister. He doesn't deserve confidentiality.

On the other hand, I'd be very surprised if he went back to the club while you were away. I think there is an element of him having his tail between his legs at the moment - his conscience is definitely bothering him.

I'm googling the possible places he went for the lapdance. Gorgeous girls in hot underwear on the websites for these places. He's never wanted me to wear that type of thing. He has never bothered what underwear I have on or brought me any or asked me to wear anything specific in 27 years. To think of these women in his face. I am in tears

Please tell your sister. Don't keep his guilty secret for him.

I think there is an element of him having his tail between his legs at the moment - his conscience is definitely bothering him.

I literally have no idea where you've got either of those things from, not one clue..

Op's statements re his behaviour & attitude suggest arrogance and closed book and dismissiveness.

Madonna whore complex. Grim..
I told someone I used to be intimately close to that I'd had botox to help my confidence.. he flipped out. "Why would you do something so disgusting to yourself! You were so pure!" Yet pervs all over women who've had it, younger women.
They desire it but don't want their special woman doing it.
It's fucked up

Do NOT brush it off.. Green light to get away with more next time.