Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

It's not being "thick", it's being entitled and thinking she'll take it, like she takes inequality, selfishness and piss taking in the rest of their relationship.

I can see why you're upset by this, but realistically I don't know if I would leave him about this. He was on a stag weekend- I know it's not acceptable, but so many guys do this.
I would make him feel bad, communicate how it's made you feel and make it known that it's not acceptable.
I wouldn't see it as cheating though!

So many guys still want to just do as they have always done and we just have to shut up about it.

That right there is why I don't settle. It's the way to dishonesty within myself and I cannot handle that. Today's men need to fix up!

I'm sorry op. There is no right or wrong choice for you here, but I would feel sick too. Don't let him minimise what he's done. You can only move forwards if you feel genuine guilt and remorse from him, and even then it could take a while to feel sexual with him again.

@Bookworm20 thank you, yes this is exactly how the situation is atm. He refuses to disclose any details and if I mention if he gets moody and says 'oh not this again'. He said it was a jokey thing and it meant nothing.
I am just totally shocked he did it. I never in a million years thought he would do this type of thing. He's not interested/bothered by porn and is certainly not the type of bloke to be looking over my shoulder in the pub at some stunner while seemingly talking to me ... or so I thought. Have I got this man all wrong for the last 27 years ? I'm doubting myself now .
Yes, it's totally crushing. For him to have some 20 year-old, slim, naked stunner in his face .. and then I look at myself. Is that what he really wants- younger, slimmer, prettier ? I'm left feeling like I am not enough, not good enough, not slim enough (my weight/body image has been an issue for me all my life. I suspect I could be border line body-dysmorphia. This has just escalated my thoughts/issues over my body/image).
And yes, a punch in the stomach from him would not hurt nearly half as much as this does right now. I cannot ever forget this. Will I be left forever wondering if he wants better than me ?
To make matters worse, he is currently tiptoeing around me. Making me cups of tea, cooking my favourite meals, jumping to my every need. It's not the real him and it is just making me feel even more shit. He's only doing all this because he knows I feel hurt/upset.

I cannot stop picturing him having the lap dance - my presumed version of it.

I will throw this out there - I will no doubt get flamed for it - but when I get the chance I WILL be going through his phone. The opportunity wont arise for a long time, but when it does I will be taking it.

I also had an irrational thought that I will go to where he had the lap dance and I will experience it for myself, so I know what he had/saw. I won't, but I had considered it. Just initial knee-jerk reaction thoughts.

I'm away for 4 days in France with my sister from tomorrow. I just hope I can enjoy myself.

question to all women who don't see this as cheating - what if it was just a random woman at a club and not a professional stripper?

@Rabbithole90 enjoy your holiday and by all means - go through his phone. There is no reason to trust him now

He refuses to disclose any details and if I mention if he gets moody and says 'oh not this again'. He said it was a jokey thing and it meant nothing.

He's not sorry he hurt you isn't he. If he was truly remorseful, he would be transparent and open. And not be dismissive of your feelings.

I bet you're wondering what else he is hiding if he is refusing to discuss this.

So sorry OP to be finding all this out after a long marriage. Wishing you all the best

Never seen a male stripper and have no desire to do so. My hen do was 25 years ago - drinks, meal, singing and dancing but definitely no stripper involved.

So he can’t deflect, maybe when you leave for France write a list of questions he has to answer about what happened for you to move on? Although he prepared that you’ll never trust the answer and he’ll always down okay it.

he knows he’s fucked up by being nice around you.
Maybe use this as a catalyst to make the relationship more equal? Equal mental load and household stuff

I think his current behaviour reflects the fact that he knows he has upset you and he doesn't want to give you the full detail as it will upset you even more.

What a silly fool! How would he like it if you played sexual with a man, such that he felt like you do now?! What a fool. All this fallout for what he says 'meant nothing.' And who has to wear it? You do, by either leaving him or having to live with it.

I used to read SAAFE a lot and pretty much all of the working girls on there would NEVER trust a man again, after seeing how many married men come silently to get a quick fuck and their wives never know. I think we should do away with sex work. You cannot buy soul - the end.

@TheoTheopolis23 the thick bit was sarcasm. He isn't thick. He knew.

@Rabbithole90 Try and enjoy your break in France. Hope he realises hes put a downer on that too for you.

He knows he has screwed up. With the tip toeing round you etc, he absolutely knows. However telling you this - He said it was a jokey thing and it meant nothing. If a fucking insult!! Wow, he was willing to cause you this immense pain and risk his entire relationship for a fucking joke? What a dick.

Please don't let his shitty actions make you feel like less of a woman though. he should never ever have put you in that position.

I really think you need to tell him how this is NOT a joke to you. And ask him do you really mean so little to him that he'd throw you away over a nothing? over a joke? Does he see you laughing? The one person who he is supposed to love above everything else and never ever hurt? Write it down in a letter if you have to and leave it with him when you go to france.
Don't let him minimise this, just so he doesn't have to face it head on because you bringing it up is 'inconvenient' or 'annoying'. He just wants it to go away now. Well tough shit mister, it isn't.
Write down or tell him exactly how you feel, although he should surely know how this would make you feel! And make it very clear to him that you bringing it up is not going anywhere anytime soon.
You don't have to make any decision right not. in fact there is no statute of limitations on this. You can take your time, and even if in 2 years time you can't get past it, then you don't and you move on... from him.
he does not get to call time on it - ever. And quite frankly, considering what he did, you should get to bring it up anytime you bloody well want to.

And yes go through his phone. He has proven himself to be someone you don't know. You need to look out for you. he has given you cause to doubt him, and that is 100% on his head. I would have no hesitation in going through my dp's phone in this situation. In fact I'd be asking to see any 'chats' between him and the blokes involved in this little jolly evening out he had, right now.
He has categorically lost his right to privacy when he spent an evening out cheating on you. Showing you his phone is the absolutely least he can bloody well do.

Your comparison is a bit like comparing catching DH bashing one out to a random nude after doing a Google search vs a nude sent to him by someone he knows personally. Very different things (my comment is on the analogy, not whether it’s legit to object to your husband attending strip clubs).

Great Post.

Also, it looks like there might be a few male strip clubs in Paris if you're going near there. Id be letting DH know that you fancy a bit of a joke too.

Also, and this is common when a man feels they have been unfairly called out - go and do it again type thing - i wouldn't be surprised if he goes back to the strip club while you're away so defo check his phone as soon as you can when you get back.

I'm sorry hes being and has been such a twat. Especially knowing how you feel about your body.

OP I’d I was you I’d kick him in to touch now I’ve read that you are in your 50s. I thought he was young and impressionable not so! You’ll be making comparisons and it’s not worth the angst …these places are gross females showing their bits to anyone for cash makes me 🤮 ! No idea why they do it and happy to degrade themselves for £££ it’s got to contort your view of men working in these places…easy money I guess !

@ilovebrie8 I am totally making comparisons - I feel like an old dog in comparison. I am no longer in my 20s with the size 10 figure I used to have. The angst is eating away at me. I don't look like the dancer did and I never will. But is that what DH wants ?
This is a total headfuck.

@Rabbithole90 I know what you are saying and I’d feel the same. Only you know what is best for you. I’d struggle to get past it, of course in your mind your going to compare yourself and left feeling shitty!! It’s a tough one …

It depends on what went on, if the dancer had her bits literally in his face then nope I wouldn’t have it ! 🙄

A jokey thing.

Well he (and his mates) have an extraordinarily odd sense of humour to find getting young women to strip naked and rub their asses on their crotches 'jokey".

Kind of reminds me (in a very extreme way) of the congressman with the bled out, dead young woman in The Godfather, going on about it just being a "stupid game".

Indy no why you're so focused on what he wants and your apparent inadequacy.... Why is he up on high with you desperate to be what he wants?

Focus on his (lack of integrity) instead.

Furthermore you earn too, you could manage without him, and you do literally everything at home.

Why do you have to meet his every ideal? He doesn't meet yours.

I think you are dealing with a double edged sword here.

On the one hand you have this horrible probably constant image of your husband with some 20 something naked woman draped over him. It turns my stomach and I don't even know the bloke. But you've that to contend with. And the fact you yourself are not a 20 something young woman. But OP, please please don't let this dent your self esteem anymore than it has. Men who do stuff like this to their partners I struggle to see as actual real men. because real men don't hurt people they love in this way. So if anyone is less than anything, its him.

Add to that the fact that this is a man you have known for decades and that you trusted explicitly. So you're also dealing with the conflict of the image you have of him from all those years and the fact you feel you actually don't know him at all right now.

I imagine you're flitting between what was real, when he says I look nice, did he ever mean it? when he says he loves me, did he ever mean it?

His stupid actions have got you questionning not only his trust but literally everthing about him and your life together.

I know women who have been cheated on liken it to a sort of grieving process, almost akin to a loved one dying. The emotional pain is incredible. You are essentially greiving the man you love. because the one standing in front of you is a totally different person to you now. And it messes up your head because on the one hand, they are still there, alive and kicking. But on the other you feel like the man you know and love is not this person stood here before you. Its like that version of them has died.

Perhaps your trip to france has come at the right moment. Try and enjoy it and also take the time away from him to really consider everything and how you want to move forward on this. If you decide you can only do that with his cooperation on telling you whatever it is you need to know, then thats what you present to him on your return.

You are not over reacting. Not one bit. And he has no right to tell you how you 'should' be reacting to this. Don't let him shut you up if you have something to say. You have damn well earned the right to say it, and he is the one who needs to shut up and listen.

What is your problem? All I said was, The men are not allowed to touch any of the ladies and there is absolutely no sex or sex acts in the club, it's illegal.
They are strippers not prostitutes.
All facts.
I'm not replying to anymore of your shit, you are wasting my time. Grow up.

If people are shallow, their aging partner is not going to meet the "ideal" of prime, youthful, conventionally aesthetic looks.

That includes men and women. Men like to delude themselves they age well, most don't.

Non shallow people of both gender accept that "perfect" youthful looks don't last forever and that other things are as or more important in a partner.

Shallow basrards are always chasing (and usually buying cause they're not capable of getting youthful good looks Inna partner without buying it as they age themselves) it.

Your conclusion should be that your h's is an asshole, not that you are inadequate for aging normally

But is that what DH wants ?

So what of he does?

Let him go and try to get it;

Very few lap dancer aged & good looking young women will get into relationships with an average joe middle aged guy!

Only sugar babies. Is he rich? That's about his only chance. Either that or vulnerable, mixed up young women who may not stay.

See how he fares losing 50% of your joint assets in a divorce.

See how he fares with seeing his kids and being responsible for them in his own and having them around young women not much older than them.

See how he fares getting a young hot woman to do all the domestic work around the house (while bring in a salary too) like you do

Who cares if that's what he wants ...belt him try to get it and see how he does, unless he's rich. And he'd only get it then cause he's buying it.

He probably doesn't want a young woman like that for a relationship anyway (for many of the reasons above), they are like a whippet, a specialist, racing dog ... Wifeys are all purpose, work horse, reliable, maternal etc breeds.

He only wants the "whippet" for the fun, rare, escape from reality, sexual titillation and toxic male bonding thing.