Page 31 | Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

Rabbithole90 · 2023-07-24T20:49:54+00:00

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40. I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

Sleepydoor · 26/07/2023 14:02

The people telling the OP to "wipe" her mind of it, put a smile on her face, don't let her husband see she's upset, move on and get back to "having fun", reminds me of Stepford Wives.

And the people suggesting that men have no agency and must go along with their mates into stripclubs and have lap dances in order to male bond -- what if all their mates are going into a legal brothel in Amsterdam? You still think men can't stand up for themselves and their relationships and must just go along because all men are pack animals?

The OP is allowed to have and express her feelings. It doesn't mean she must end her marriage, but she's allowed to take time to process and feel hurt and to have discussions about boundaries with her husband moving forward and not feel like she's not allowed to say her boundaries include "no lap dances" or "no strip clubs" because men are incapable of avoiding finding themselves with a stripper on their lap.

Monkeylimas · 26/07/2023 14:04

If you need the details then he needs to be honest and give them to you. Yes I see this as cheating and your reaction of getting a man to strip/revenge is common. He has brought the idea of another person into your lives.

You say you do everything at home. That may be why he feels so entitled. He thinks his time etc is more important than yours. Sadly this event may have thrown off your blinkers and his life may get less comfy going forward. That is a consequence of being selfish and not thinking about your actions. Your life and what you are prepared to tolerate is thrown in the air because you did all the shit work thinking he respected and cared - but now you are questioning it. It’s not just you who has lost out - he just doesn’t realise it yet(and he may never realise it).

Someone mentioned that how could their husband be expected to stay outside if all his friends went in. If all my friends watched a man take his clothes off I’d go home/back to the hotel room. It’s not my type of fun and I’m not a sheep. If I don’t agree with something (and men stripping is not my thing) I’d leave. I don’t care what people think and I had that attitude in my teens and 20s too.

pillsthrillsandbellyache · 26/07/2023 14:09

I also feel mugged off. Mugged off because I do everything at home, I keep the home running. I do all the life/home admin. We both work and contribute financially. I'm the one making sure all the bills are paid, there is enough money for the bills, the house is stocked with enough food, the house is clean/tidy, I do a lot of financial planning/budgeting. Right now, I couldn't give a shit about any of this. It's all gone out the window

Thought so. Yeah, I would feel like a mug also. Your house is so unequal. You work, do everything in the house and he ? Works and has private lapdances? He's got it made. Course he thinks he is entitled to spend money on naked women dancing for him. He has one at home that carries everything. He's just a garden variety misogynist. Doesn't think much about women.

Monkeylimas · 26/07/2023 14:12

Oh and rabbit - you are enough. He isn’t.

He allows you to do the grunt work at home.
He allows himself to disrespect the stripper (this could be a lady who is in this situation due to abuse).
If he couldn’t say no to his mates he’s a loser and a sheep.

Is he a mememe type. Think about it. His feelings? His needs? Prioritising his career or his time off? Or his need to lay in or not be disturbed at night by the kids? Or his golf? Or the last packet of crisps. His films on the or at the cinema? Take a hard look and assess your relationship.

There is no good point to what you are going through. It’s shit. But use it to think about what you want and need from life. What do you put on hold for him? Are you looking after your future? Finances/career/pension etc? Use this as an epiphany.

supersop60 · 26/07/2023 14:34

Rabbithole90 · 26/07/2023 10:57

I've just been blown out of the water by this and totally left to feel like I'm not enough for DH. This has seriously affected me, knocked my confidence and my already low self-esteem. I cannot get over the image of DH with this other woman. I have all sorts of questions (which he will never answer):
Did he sit in a private room and she came in once he was sitting there, then she started 'performing' ?
Did she lead him by the hand to the room and sit him down and then 'perform' ?
Did he literally have her tits in his face ?
Was she naked ? and squatting over his lap for him to see it all ?
I doubt he got a hard-on as he would have been drunk (fairly certain on that point)
He said the others never knew he had the dance, did they though ? did he give them full details ?
Did he tip her and was this notes he stuffed into any of her clothes (if she had any on)
And my last question - WHY DID HE DO THIS. WHY DID HE FEEL THE NEED TO DO THIS.
I also feel mugged off. Mugged off because I do everything at home, I keep the home running. I do all the life/home admin. We both work and contribute financially. I'm the one making sure all the bills are paid, there is enough money for the bills, the house is stocked with enough food, the house is clean/tidy, I do a lot of financial planning/budgeting. Right now, I couldn't give a shit about any of this. It's all gone out the window.

I'm not angry. I am really upset & hurt.

I had an irrational thought that I will go for a private male lap dance and tell DH I am going for one & see how he likes it. Obviously I wouldn't. I'm just hurting so much

Its normal to have questions. He knows everything that went on, and you know nothing. This directly affects your relationship and if he cares about that, he should be open and honest.

Monkeylimas · 26/07/2023 14:47

As Supersop said it directly affects your relationship.

Not telling you everything you want to know means he is controlling your truth. He is getting to decide what you know and therefore by omitting detail it surely proves that he knows what he did will hurt you. And this may mean you leave him/are angry with him. He is protecting himself.
Why does he get to decide what you deserve to know? Why should he control your knowledge and ability to decide if he is the man you want to spend your life with? Yes you may be angry - that’s your perogative and a consequence of his action.

JenniferBooth · 26/07/2023 14:49

How old are you and your "D" H @Rabbithole90

Original poster

Rabbithole90 · 26/07/2023 14:51

@JenniferBooth we are both early 50's

OP posts:

QueenBitch666 · 26/07/2023 15:00

I'd bin him. Disrespectful twat

JenniferBooth · 26/07/2023 15:10

Early 50s? So he must have had a lapdance from someone young enough to be his daughter.

Acornsoup · 26/07/2023 16:27

That's awful OP you've had a life time together. He already knows exactly how you would feel about this. Sorry 😞

nalabae · 26/07/2023 17:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nalabae · 26/07/2023 17:33

Be interested to know which club it was... Please do tell I bet I worked there and also name the manger whilst you're at it.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/07/2023 19:54

Jonti23 · 26/07/2023 12:48

Totally agree. Ransoms are a powerful group here on MN. You guys are essentially bullying her into feeling even worse about it.

Its no secret that men are grosser than women. What about that story in the paper where the guy found a dead body recently and instead of reporting it his DNA was found in 39 places on her body, he kept it hidden so he can fondle a dead persons body. How anyone could even think of that is beyond me. Imagine what this guys wife must be going through. Hell.

Your guy in nowhere near that at least, so some perspective and just live yr life.

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You appear to be saying that we should set the bench mark for men with a necrophiliac - is that correct??

So basically we should think of the most depraved, insane, weirdo men & their behaviour; and judge how bad other men's actions are by that ... And be glad we've got one who does no housework or domestic admin or mental load (in spite of his wife working full-time too) and has private lap dances;; and be grateful?

"Men are all scummy, so if you're with a man just accept he'll be scummy, and be glad he's not a necrophiliac like that one on the news".

Okaaay then.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/07/2023 19:57

(Well you said gross, but similar meaning).

Yeah we should definitely set the bar for men by the ones who are now looking at a prison sentence for a type of necrophilia . .. or should we set it by the one who's looking at a prison sentence for incestuous sexual assault and brutal violent murder of his little sister, or may e we should set it by child sex rapists .....)

There are currently several exhausted fleas on the floor who've given up trying to limbo dance under your bar for men and relationships.

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/07/2023 19:58

*child sex abusers or rapists ... That should have said

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/07/2023 20:02

You do realise that things make the news and people are prosecuted for them, and face prison sentences for them because they are unusual and illegal.

Why are you using criminals and sex offenders as your bench mark for men?

nalabae · 26/07/2023 20:04

Don't think it's fair you deleting my reply when that user is clearly trying to upset the OP who is clearly upset already.
Op I'm an ex dancer and whilst I don't agree with what your partner did don't pay attention to the claims he did more. If you want to DM me you can x

QueefQueen80s · 26/07/2023 20:29

JenniferBooth · 26/07/2023 15:10

Early 50s? So he must have had a lapdance from someone young enough to be his daughter.

Yep.. DISGUSTING.

QueefQueen80s · 26/07/2023 20:31

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/07/2023 19:57

(Well you said gross, but similar meaning).

Yeah we should definitely set the bar for men by the ones who are now looking at a prison sentence for a type of necrophilia . .. or should we set it by the one who's looking at a prison sentence for incestuous sexual assault and brutal violent murder of his little sister, or may e we should set it by child sex rapists .....)

There are currently several exhausted fleas on the floor who've given up trying to limbo dance under your bar for men and relationships.

"There are currently several exhausted fleas on the floor who've given up trying to limbo dance under your bar for men and relationships."
*
Brilliant 👏🏼*

JenniferBooth · 26/07/2023 20:36

I must admit when i asked your ages OP i thought you were going to say early 30s You have 90 in your username and your DH......well i dont think i need to say

CakeyBakeyHeart · 26/07/2023 20:48

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/07/2023 19:57

(Well you said gross, but similar meaning).

Yeah we should definitely set the bar for men by the ones who are now looking at a prison sentence for a type of necrophilia . .. or should we set it by the one who's looking at a prison sentence for incestuous sexual assault and brutal violent murder of his little sister, or may e we should set it by child sex rapists .....)

There are currently several exhausted fleas on the floor who've given up trying to limbo dance under your bar for men and relationships.

I doubt those fleas could jump high enough to reach your moral high ground either!

To be fair your turn of phrase did have me mildly tickled 👍

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/07/2023 21:10

CakeyBakeyHeart · 26/07/2023 20:48

I doubt those fleas could jump high enough to reach your moral high ground either!

To be fair your turn of phrase did have me mildly tickled 👍

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Not setting the bench mark for men by necrophiliacs is "moral high ground".

Lol

Masterofhappydays · 26/07/2023 21:44

There are currently several exhausted fleas on the floor who've given up trying to limbo dance under your bar for men and relationships

😂

CakeyBakeyHeart · 26/07/2023 21:54

TheoTheopolis23 · 26/07/2023 21:10

Not setting the bench mark for men by necrophiliacs is "moral high ground".

Lol

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…and they say romance is dead 🤣