Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

yes, that's exactly what you can expect him to say. or just not explain and leave - that's what adults do.

it's not the stripper, or the mates, or anything other than someone WANTING to go to a strip club and get a lap dance.

it's really not that hard to just not do something...

He doesn't bkame his wife. He says 'that's not something I want to do' if he doesn't want to go there.

That is ridiculous.

I've just been blown out of the water by this and totally left to feel like I'm not enough for DH. This has seriously affected me, knocked my confidence and my already low self-esteem. I cannot get over the image of DH with this other woman. I have all sorts of questions (which he will never answer):
Did he sit in a private room and she came in once he was sitting there, then she started 'performing' ?
Did she lead him by the hand to the room and sit him down and then 'perform' ?
Did he literally have her tits in his face ?
Was she naked ? and squatting over his lap for him to see it all ?
I doubt he got a hard-on as he would have been drunk (fairly certain on that point)
He said the others never knew he had the dance, did they though ? did he give them full details ?
Did he tip her and was this notes he stuffed into any of her clothes (if she had any on)
And my last question - WHY DID HE DO THIS. WHY DID HE FEEL THE NEED TO DO THIS.
I also feel mugged off. Mugged off because I do everything at home, I keep the home running. I do all the life/home admin. We both work and contribute financially. I'm the one making sure all the bills are paid, there is enough money for the bills, the house is stocked with enough food, the house is clean/tidy, I do a lot of financial planning/budgeting. Right now, I couldn't give a shit about any of this. It's all gone out the window.

I'm not angry. I am really upset & hurt.

I had an irrational thought that I will go for a private male lap dance and tell DH I am going for one & see how he likes it. Obviously I wouldn't. I'm just hurting so much

Don't let anyone on here tell you this is an irrational response or you're thinking about it too much.
It's called having standards.
I wouldn't be able to get over it

@Rabbithole90 everything you've described is 100% normal and valid - and also a reason why this it absolutely a big deal and enough to treat this as infidelity.

It doesn't matter if he had an erection or not - this service is aimed at getting people sexually aroused and there is literally no way to argue with it.

Oh Jesus, having standards vs having mental health. I would choose the latter any day.

You’ve told him it’s a crap thing to do. Tell him not to do it again. And stop being so affected by it in front of him. It gives him more and more confidence to be a shit. Go out and see your friends wipe it out of your mind. Even if you dump him at least do it with a smile.

I do everything at home, I keep the home running. I do all the life/home admin. We both work and contribute financially. I'm the one making sure all the bills are paid, there is enough money for the bills, the house is stocked with enough food, the house is clean/tidy, I do a lot of financial planning/budgeting

Not surprised to read this.

It's consistent with his selfishness, entitlement and attitude towards women.

Oh stop the outrage.

Nice to know that people who work in McDonald’s are well respected though because that’s not how people that work there feel. Ever.

@Jonti23 My mental health is fantastic thankyou, because I don't let men get away with mistreating me or making me feel insecure. There is something very empowering about that..

Not to mention that it’s mainly MEN running the industry and making most of that money but yea let’s blame the ‘tart’ not the husband.

I had an irrational thought that I will go for a private male lap dance and tell DH I am going for one & see how he likes it.

That's what I did.

My p "only" had a table dance he claimed was included with the entry ticket though, if that's true.

He knew he was going to get away with that without some payback.

He said he realised it was inappropriate to be in there even before I did that and we agreed it was a no go.
(Our Relationship since then however has, over the years, become only a cohabiting and co-parenting one, we are no longer partners).

I would say that it's very hard to find a male lap dancing club/venue.

There were two when I looked (Nottingham and London) and I think the Nottingham one closed. The London one (Lap.Attack in Caesers Palace in Streatham closed (the building has even been knocked down since).

The closest you might get is a male revue/show where you get personal attention. Ateotd that's usually public and not like a personal lap dance.

Or hire a stripper for yourself and mates for you birthday etc and you get the attention. Again, it's not the same. I'll give a quick Google but I don't know if there are any actual male lap dancing type setups.

Stringfellows in London did used to have male dancers too, but my mate went and she said she thought they were more for gay men than women. also you'd be in with all the female strippers doing table dances etc so that would be uncomfortable/upsetting.

*He knew he wasn't going to get away with that without some payback.

Seems to be one in Blackpool (?)

https://www.lancashiretelegraph.co.uk/news/5896334.male-lap-dancers-wicked-way/

That's a very old article though, not sure if still going.

@Jonti23

You say that she is exhibiting mental health issues by harping on about this, and she should put it behind her and get on with life.

I see what you say and raise you this - "hiding things from yourself deliberately to be fakely happy is a sure-fire way to poor mental health."

The man has shown her that he has low standards and thinks he can buy women. He has been sexually intimate with other women when in a monogamous relationship.

She ought not to brush that under the carpet, for it never really goes.

The trouble is not the thinking about it, it is the NOT thinking about it.

In today's world, many men are of poor standards, borne out of patriarchy where they think they are the bosses and have all the power and can do as they please, and just make the silly woman shut up. But this is no longer the case and we can and do leave men who are not good enough.

How long this will go on before men catch up and fix up, who knows. How many women will leave and just be single, who knows.

I feel for the OP here because for no good reason, her partner has just up ended their relationship and shown her that she is not special to him and he will let other women get sexual with him, where she has loved him and honoured him. He has not honoured her or their relationship, and has shown that he will give money for sexual activity with sex workers. And she is gutted about what this says about him and how much she means to him, and the sort of man he is.

Stop asking her to lie to herself and suggesting that this is the way to be happy.

Beautifully said 👌🏼🖤

Too much drama and Pearl clutching

My DP is the kindest man I have ever met, he's kind, generous, loving, respectful to me and my dcs, he works hard, does all the financial shit, cooks, cleans

Because he ends up in a strip club once or twice a year I should LTB 😂😂😂

Laughable, and those of you saying you'd end your marriages, pensions, lives, security over one dance - I call bullshit! Unless there were other issues

What a lovely husband, who thinks womens bodies are to be objectified and bought 🥰 Good luck with your low standards.. 😊

You're selling yourself love....the way women have had to in years gone by - 'I need him for the money so I have to turn a blind eye' - no way would I tolerate the cognitive dissonance. You live with a man who thinks he can BUY women. As though we are THINGS.

Erm yes, he sounds so lovely and respectful of you/women 🙄 don’t trip over that bar on the floor…

He doesn't objectify women
I get treated like a princess and he's everything exh wasn't, although exh never went to a lap dancing bar so maybe I should've stayed with that selfish, sexist, mysoginistic, disrespectful, financially abusive prick???

The two are not mutually exclusive

Just because a man doesn't go to these clubs doesn't make him a saint
Just because a man goes doesn't make him satan

Do you stand by the door with a martini 🍸

Fortunately we don't have to live by your standards. Zero pearl here but they would go rather nicely with your twin set.

Madonna whore. And you can't even see!

Erm no you shouldn't have stayed with your ex.. and your current one is shitty for different reasons. It's coming across that you clearly need to have a man in your life, the "treated like a princess" and mentioning pensions.. you're one of those women who are kept by a man and so put up with red flags.