Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

I’ll tell you my experience. Btw this was at a “highly reputable” gentlemen’s club, not a seedy strip club, where I can only imagine things are so much worse for the dancers.

First ever night dancing as an 18 year old. Three sets of different men’s fingers entered my vagina without my permission. I was propositioned for sex from 5 men that same night, one even offering £1,000. When I declined he asked me to name my price. I declined again and he punched me in my neck. He got chucked out but was back again a few nights later. Big spender so he was worth more to the club than me and my safety.

I got followed back to my car probably 90% of the time I worked over 6 years.

I would guess that at around 80% of shifts I ever worked, I was digitally raped. Men are sneaky doing this in a way the bouncer cannot see.

If I fancied a guy getting a dance, my teenage self thought it was alright to rub my vagina and ass all over his face for extra tips and let them perform oral sex.

Every single man who came into the club for a dance thought it was perfectly fine to ridicule, mock, critique and rate our bodies. They paid good money therefore surely they were allowed to comment on every aspect of our bodies like we’re a rotten tomatoes review.

The absolute worst was when you’d have a man in one day with his mates or all alone and then he’d return again with his partner/gf/wife another day. Hell yes, we were under strict instructions to be tame when the ladies are punters. Wonder why!

Not one single man who ever had a dance from me was a decent man. The only decent men I ever encountered in those places were, wait, there were none.

How gross. I'd imagine you are almost completely disillusioned with men after all this? I'm not sure I could go on to have relationships after all that.

Perhaps the question here is how easily replaceable your partner is. I don’t see the point in being with someone who’s company you don’t enjoy sufficiently to get over something like this in the context of a stag do with no pre stag do briefing that such antics would be a relationship breaker.

If he’s promised to not do it again now that you’ve shared how you feel and you feel that you can trust that to be the case, then it’s probably time to be pragmatic and draw a line under it and get back to having fun together. Too many idealists on here, and don’t ever think that him going to a strip club on a stag do has any bearing on how attractive he finds you.

“it’s probably time to be pragmatic and draw a line under it and get back to having fun together.”

@CakeyBakeyHeart its not always so easy to dismiss your feelings and pivot emotionally.

@Masterofhappydays

Sorry you experienced that.

Thank you for your post.

Maybe the minimisers and delusionists will give over now (though probably not,).

Interesting I was a dancer for over 10years and never experienced anything like this.

I worked in Kent, London, Bournemouth, brighton and Scotland but maybe I'm too ugly for these things to happen or maybe you are talking nonsense
I suspect the latter....

And op I wouldn't be happy my partner spending our money on another woman either. So don't think because I was a dancer I agree especially if you are struggling

🙄

So because my experience of being punched in the neck is different to yours, I must be lying?

Not quite sure what your agenda is but I’m happy that you had a great experience being a dancer. Some do, some don’t.

Some people love being teachers, but it doesn’t mean those who have had a bad experience being a teacher are lying or talking nonsense.

I worked in a strip club and I never ever witnessed a Dancer being sexually assaulted, they never said they had Been, even if a man got too close the bouncers were all over it. This was the late 90s so perhaps things went down hill after that.

it seriously does not matter what people imagine lap-dance to be like

It doesnt even matter what it really is like

OPs husband probably knows she feels insecure and unless he is the biggest idiot on earth he had to know she would be upset

he hurt her, he knew she would be hurt by what he did and he did it anyway, and is now claiming ignorance, pretending to be dumber than he is...and wanting her to "draw a line under it"

like hell no...its her right to process this for as long as she needs and the very least he can do is to suck it up because he did this

Maybe the minimisers and delusionists will give over now (though probably not,).

Well the hypocrites who have stuck with strip club attending partners (whilst being pre-relationship it’s still hardly compatible with the evident level of ethical opposition to strip clubs) certainly aren’t giving over until you cut off your nose to spite your face.

Maybe try posting on Dadsnet or similar to take a break from the echo chamber and get opinions from the men to achieve a sample of opinions that is more diverse (by which I mean when combined with the views of the mums rather than in place of).

To be honest the men's and the strippers opinions on this thread don't matter anyway. It's what the wives and GF's will and will not put up with. The rest is just noise, so there's that.

Well they do. If someone says “I was a stripper and will not have a relationship with a man who goes to strip clubs”, their opinion is just as valid as anyone else’s…

@Masterofhappydays so opinion is only valid if you agree with it?

that being said, only OPs opinion matters and she feels cheated on - that should be the focus on the conversation

OP I am another wife whose DH was coerced by his mates into having a lap dance then came home and told me cos he’s honest 🫤. I too was knocked sideways I always had a better opinion of him than that and it was a shock to discover he was a dirty old man just like all the other sleazebags. It was just a laugh, didn’t know you’d be this bothered, can’t you just shut up about it, it meant nothing, no I didn’t fancy her, blah blah. I was disappointed in him and lost a degree of respect for him that day. Five years later he’s forgotten all about it but it still plays on my mind. Yes I felt cheated on. Bastard.

So on a serious note, on a stag do if all the other men go in what is your OH supposed to say? My wife won't like it and wait outside for them??

Do you give the ultimatum to choose? Lap dance or Wife?...

My OH is going on a stag do soon and I honestly don't want him to go into a strip bar but I can't force him not to and will I leave him if he does?... it's a hard one.

I’d expect my partner to just not go in. Either he can come home, or he goes to another bar or pub and waits for them.. whatever. Would I leave him if he did go in? Yes. Yes I would.

Oh dear I am worried about you on MN, seriously as being unstable in your own body image is one thing, but what MN comments can do is amplify your insecurity about the situation. As I say you have take some responsibility for your own fragility. You have to think what’s in it for you - family, kids, pension, security. It’s in your interest ti get this out if your head. You can not have any control over other peoples behaviour and I think this really gets to you. But you can have control in not giving a fuck. Using him for your own needs. You have to snap out of this spiral or you will destroy your life. Geez this is one lap dance, try something spicier, things people live through, seriously a reality check and don’t let MN comments spiral your anxiety. They are well meaning in that they give no excuse, and there is no excuse, but you have to get strength and that lies in not giving him the power and significance.

There have been a couple of stag dos my husband went on (years ago) that involved strip clubs, he and a couple of the others went to a different bar and waited for them. It didn’t come from me or the other partners, they just found them gross and exploitative and didn’t want to set foot in them. It’s not hard to miss that part out of it’s really against your moral code.

I think then you should end the relationship and move on. He’s wronged you and whatever he feels whether he feels you’re exaggerating or what, you feel cheated on and hurt. I think you either find a way to put it behind you or end the relationship. Bringing it up constantly when drinking will end the relationship eventually anyway.

@Susieb2023 "So on a serious note, on a stag do if all the other men go in what is your OH supposed to say? My wife won't like it and wait outside for them??"

No. He says HE doesn't like it. Because presumably he's an autonomous adult and doesn't need to blame his wife for behaving in a civilised manner. And he does something else and meets them afterwards. He will probably find that others will join him.

Think you meant that for Maclen. :)

I totally agree. My husband was really clear, HE didn’t like them and that HE had no interest in going. He wasn’t alone.

This is why is annoys me this idea that all men would, they just wouldn’t.

Men do have personal agency to say no to all of this.

’the strippers + the prostitutes are the problem’ isn’t much of a step from ‘women showing their enticing ankles + hair are the problem’ - HIDE THEM ALL A WAY SO OUR OUT OF CONTROL MENFOLK CAN FOLLOW THE CHASTE AND HONEST PATH OF THE GOOD MAN.

or we could acknowledge that there’s a reason sex work is referred to as the oldest profession in the world.

that it’s become more easily accessible than ever because of the internet.

but ultimately. Like with anything. The decision to consume it, lies with the consumer.

go to AA - and they’ll make it about you and your accountability for your drinking. Go to NA - ditto your poison of choice. Go to SAA and low and behold…

for sure feel angry with the alcohol industry / the drug supply chains / the sex industry. But it’s probably misdirected at the bar staff / the street dealer / the stripper

i understand feeling a flash of rage / envy / insecurity about the stripper. totally normal response. But I guess I always worry when I see anyone externalise blame for an internal problem.

Any one who’s betrayed their spouse or partner by going outside the boundaries of their relationship. However in explicit those boundaries are. Needs to get curious about themselves, take accountability, and make a plan for how they will manage themselves better going forward. Blaming anyone else for their behaviour is more of a red flag for me than the behaviour itself

I think there are two issues here.
One - the actual lap dance. You say you always thought you’d be OK with it. Did you ever discuss it with H. Was he under impression that it’d be OK?

But to me - the more important issue is the other thing you said:
‘ I have a very very low ego and on most days I hate my body/looks on every level.’
This is really not a way to live. Have you ever tried to get help? Why are you feeling this way? Have you tried to work on it?

Living like that - or with someone who is feeling like that is really hard.
Please get help - for your own sake and for your kids. It’ll help your marriage as well.