Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

I just checked a recent UK punting review for my region out of interest and in February this guy spent only £70 for oral without condom and penetrative sex ... And because it was over in about 15 mins, she gave him £10 back making it £60.

At the McDonald's end of the business sex workers don't get big money. And there usuallynpsying the club, pimp, agency, website too

"Money exchanged £70 for 30 mins. Straight into the bed for some kissing then some owo. She is very good at it and went straight for my ass with some tickling and teasing. Couple of nice positions. Her legs are big she says from drinking red wine but didn’t bother me. Finish in the bag and had a nice chat.
Only there for 15 mins so give me £10 back as she wants to be fair to everyone which I thought was a class act."

@Sleepydoor I told DH that I feel cheated on, inadequate, upset. He apologised many times and said he loves me and he would never want to upset me. He asked can we draw a line under it (in not so many words).the thing is, I'm going to forever bring this up whenever I've had a drink. I know I will. I cannot get out of my mind the image of him with tits and fanny in his face and him loving it.

If her never want to upset you, why did he unnecessarily buy a personal lap dance?

Esp given he knows you feel inadequate a iut your looks.

I'm sorry but I don't buy that someone can't honestly think for a second that this would be sexual Interaction with another person, nudity etc (for her), some physical contact etc and not think "this is sexual interaction not with my partner", and not think for a second that it wouldn't upset them or anger them.

Yeah, I get it. I had a similar thing with my DH and it bothered me for years. It's good that your husband seems to be saying all the right things, but I know what you mean about knowing you feel like you'll never fully move on from this.💐🍷

His actions don't match his words.

And he's apparently expecting you to believe that he's the most thoughtless, clueless, dopey, gormless, empathy-less, common dense-less creature ever.

I doubt he is .... But even if he was, is that desirable ij a partner.

@Sleepydoor sending you big hugs. I will probably never get over this. There are lots of low level arguments to come, I cannot forget. Its impossible.
I just cannot but help feeling cheated on

I'll get flamed but I honestly think these jen need this done to them by their partners and to feel some real pain and discomfort along similar lines .... Otherwise it's just lip service.

I've done this for a table dance (apparently) and included with the entry price, apparently ..... If it had been more I honestly don't think I could've stayed involved with him. No kids then though which is a big factor. After he had a taste of what it's like to be in the receiving end (he was saying he felt it was inappropriate even before) he agreed that it was not an appropriate thing to be doing in an exclusive relationship.
He knew if he did anything similar again, our relationship was over.

On the subject of kids, I think these hateful.bastards partly only do it because they know it'll upset you bit that's it's not ",bad enough" tomebd a marriage/partnership with kids over. So they'll just have to put up with a long face and a bit of hassle and you'll be going nowhere and over it in a while. And you won't break wifey/mummy duties either, you'll be a good little girl.

I just cannot but help feeling cheated on

Totally understandable and valid, I think

Even with just a table dance he didn't specifically chose to have (apparently!) I felt like our sexual exclusively had been damaged.

It's not anything that someone would ever be doing ainna normal, natural situation without it being cheating. Youre not in close quarters with a person if the opposite sex naked unless you are (bar nude saunas, naturist places etc) but those are neutral and social and impersonal; not sexual in nature/intention like a sex industry club. The whole point is sexual titillation and visual gratification (and more for some people). Nor would you ever be having that sort of close contact without cheating.

As I've said .. men like to try to Jedi mind trick women that the magic walls of a strip club make what would be cheating outside them, bot cheating.

I also went through a combination (exactly like the aftermath of cheating) of hysterical bonding and total aversion, anger, bitterness, disgust of him when it came to intimacy.

The hysterical bonding was quickly supplanted by the aversion.

It wasn't that I felt inadequate physically (I had v few issues with my looks), it was that I felt like he'd broken my trust and hurt me and treated me like a fool (there was a lot of truckle truth) and the thought of being intimate just made me angry and turned off as a result. I don't know if it was that or passing the honeymoon period (which generally causes my sex drive to plummet) or both but I don't think it was ever enthusiastic etc on my part again.

*trickle truth

I'll get flamed but I honestly think these jen need this done to them by their partners and to feel some real pain and discomfort along similar lines .... Otherwise it's just lip service.

I think that because posters are imagining lap dances as far worse than the reality, every woman should go and pay for a lap dance in a club that allows women customers as more than spectators. I think once they’ve experienced one either as a recipient (or performer), they will realise their imagination has over inflated their sexiness, intimacy and so on.

No, we know what lap dances can entail thanks. There's lots of evidence that has come out through investigations and documentaries over the years. https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/manchester-strippers-filmed-video-lap-dancing-clubs-investigation-a8973721.html

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2019/sep/17/sheffield-strip-club-keeps-licence-despite-opposition-by-feminist-coalition

Sorry but seeing a staged documentary or reading a report is no substitute for real life experience. Some things you have to live it to know it.

You can’t know, really know without experiencing it.

Lol I think most posters on MN think they're much milder than they are.

"The footage led to a council investigation which found that some dancers had been sexually touching customers, themselves and each other, resulting in 74 breaches of licensing conditions and 145 breaches* *of the club’s code of conduct."

Yeah, No thanks @ChopperC110P . I think we get it.

Erm, no…

Having been a dancer/stripper/adult entertainer for many years, I know exactly what goes on, hence why I’d never be in a relationship with anyone who thinks going to get a private dance is ok.

Kudos to anyone, male or female, who is okay with having a naked member of the opposite sex rub their genitalia in their partner’s face, but it’s not for me.

Yes, they couldn’t touch us unless we allowed it and would signal to the bouncer ‘it’s all good’, but we could touch them with whatever body part we wanted to, wherever we wanted to.

OP, as for body hang ups, I’m sorry to hear your self esteem is already low and now further damaged. I can imagine how awful that feels. But don’t be under any illusion that the ‘perfect’ body dancer wasn’t under scrutiny for her body. The males who used to come into the places I worked were vile, they’d rate our bodies and pick them apart. They’d reduce us to basically a pair of walking tits and ass. Your DH, although has been a dick, is with you because you are YOU. No dancer comes close to that.

It’s all still so raw for you, and he has cheated on you in a round about way. You’re on a roller coaster of emotions. What do you want to do? Do you want to be with him still? If you do, you have to forgive. You can’t keep beating yourself up thinking you’re lacking in some way or another, because you’re not. He is the one lacking in his morality.

I’ve RTFT, and there are several posters who clearly have let their imaginations run amok.

every woman should go and pay for a lap dance in a club that allows women customers as more than spectators

Why the fk would they want to do that.

Give more trade to male sex industry establishments.

They're not lesbian or bi (presumably) so getting nothing out of it.

We know what a private lap dance consists of it's not rocket science.

And why should women further objectify and use other women to try to make themselves feel better about their partners doing that??

Use the money to get a lap dance equivalent off a hung, ripped male stripper.

Let your partner imagine what that was like. Let him feel a bit of the pain & discomfort.

That'll make him think twice a out a repeat performance from him leading to the same from you ..... Wat more effective and satisfying than forcing yourself to some kind of "reality check" or aversion therapy, having lap dances (not the same cause you don't have a cock to be ground on) you don't want.

Not in my experience and observation.

Experiences, like recollections in the royal family, vary greatly.

@TheoTheopolis23 or apply for a job in the same club and see if hes still ok with this

I did that, and I can tell you it was deeply satisfying. I had a mantra of "fuck you" running in my head the whole time.
I got considerable satisfaction out of objectifying men just like they do to us as nauseum.

As I've said before in this thread, it really focuses men's tiny minds on exactly why it might not be kosher in an exclusive relationship.

In retrospect (too late for op unfortunately) I wouldn't stay with a man like that and get back at him - if there were no kids etc involved, I'd find one of the men (who do exist) who don't do shit Ike this. I know several.

They chose outdoor pursuits for their stag do's. They don't dint go on stag do's where they know this will get a feature or they make alternative arrangements and don't go to that part of the do. They exist.

Good idea.

What "means nothing" wool quickly come to mean something after all, if it's "their" woman doing it.

I said why in my post, too bad you ignored all that to quote me out of context and then go on about petty revenge and sexual gratification.

It's not petty revenge.

Some people have to be taught empathy the hard way