Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

I know right???

Calling someone a knob is like saying they've been an idiot. Tart is calling them a slag. There's a massive difference saying someone's been a bit daft than calling them a slag for simply doing a job for whatever reason they are doing it.

Tbf I raised an eyebrow at that but op is hurting and is just kicking out. I think you've made your point now, multiple times.

Right back at you.

I was leaving it at that till folk jumped on it. Clicking unwatch as I made my point, and I do hope the OP sees it as the way it was intended - for reflection later that its not cool to lash out at the poor lass for doing her job.

Adult entertainment industry exists but nobody is forced to participate. Women (and men!) who provide these services are just doing their job.

A stripper providing lap dance, that someone's husband paid for, is no more at fault then a bar staff selling drinks to a recovering alcoholic.

They don't have the print out of the entire history of the customer, they don't know if these people are married, addicted to something, in debt or what promises and agreements they have with every other persons in their lives.

What OP's husband did is definitely in realm of cheating - it should be really a no-brainer that a monogamous relationship means "not paying for naked people to dance on your lap". But it's all on him, not the stripper, not even his mates no matter how much they cheered him on.

Also, he will do it again, though I think this should be obvious.

And name calling aside, obviously strippers have the right to be safe in their place of employment and to have freely chosen this work. It doesn't mean that people are under obligation to respect their profession. Sure on an individual level they might be earning money but their work does absolutely nothing positive for women as a class.

I completely agree.

@Hooplahooping

Doing this job, providing this service - is a choice for most.

Being accountable for your choices you would recognise that this can and does cause pain for the partners of some of the service users.

Those partners are entitled to their feelings. You can't deny them that.

Saying you only provide a service because men want it doesn't really gain any high ground. It's a business transaction and both parties are equally accountable.

and who else do you expect to be responsible for your partner's behaviour and your feelings?

a stripper is absolutely not accountable for your partner's behaviour. nobody else is but him

This line of thinking leads down the thought drain of forgiving the cheater, taking him back and placing blame on just about everyone in proximity but the one person who had all the power to not go to a strip club and pay for the lap dance

Nope - equally responsible.

how is a stranger responsible for anything?

my ex used to promise he would not drink and the he did drink - how is the sales assistant who sold him alcohol equally responsible for him drinking?

Being hurt doesn't give you the right to be a dick towards someone doing their job. She was literally just doing her job, like the woman who served him in Asda say, doubt she'd call her a tart though. Its pathetic. Hurt or not, it's not right, I've been hurt plenty of times by various things in life, didn't use that as an excuse to be petulant. It was uncalled for and she knows it but the jealousy, anxiety and insecurity is eating her up too much to admit it atm. I just hope at some point she realises how bad that made her sound, hence the post

@Seryse Seriously get a grip. And I doubt the woman who served him in Asda was naked and shoving her boobs in his face so totally fucking irrelevant comparison.
OP is angry and its a totally normal response to be angry and lash out at anyone involved in the reason why.

Great that you are so perfect and never call people anything when angry (except the op........) So kinda contradicting yourself there.

And saying this: but the jealousy, anxiety and insecurity is eating her up too much to admit it atm. Is just pathetic and being purposely shitty to someone who is already struggling to understand why her DH has done what he did. I just hope at some point you realise how bad that makes you sound. OP is none of those things, not jealous or insecure. Just a woman very upset and struggling to understand if what she is feeling is justified. You've given your opinion on a single word OP used. You've used far more and far worse against a woman who asked for none of this to happen.

The woman who gave the lap dance takes her clothes off for a living. I'd say being labelled a tart by a hurt and upset wife or girlfriend is a fucking hazard of the job. And I expect she wouldn't take it personally - its a natural initial knee-jerk reaction!

OP is hurt, upset, and angry at her DH. And yes, she doesn't hold great feeling towards the woman who rubbed her boobs in his face at this moment in time - regardless of whether it was 'just her job'. Her anger will no doubt very soon be redirected entirely at her DH.

You purposely kicking someone when they are down, to me, is far worse than calling a stripper a tart in the heat of what is likely a highly emotional state of mind.

Why is this turning into a Protect the Strippers feelings thread?

I agree in these situations its only the man who has cheated, but come on im sure strippers realise that some women won't be very pleasant about them. I'm fairly sure they don't give a shiny shit either.

Bit off to be lamenting about strippers hurty feelings when there's a devastated op here isn't it? Just another thing to beat op with. No you have no right to feel cheated on if you never told DH this was a deal breaker, now you can feel shit for lashing out at the woman who merely rubbed her £40 fanny all over him, in the bin you go

@Acornsoup "Doing this job, providing this service - is a choice for most."

That is extremely simplistic at best, disingenuous at worst.

my ex used to promise he would not drink and the he did drink - how is the sales assistant who sold him alcohol equally responsible for him drinking?

That's quite different because the sales assistant is in a completely different industry.

We all know that the sex industry is largely used by married men. Not all, but many are married. A fact those in the industry are well aware of. They are doing more than providing a service, most of us see this industry as uniquely different to the buying and selling of goods or services which do not involve intimacy. So to try and make it seem the same is not valid to me.

To me whoever is involved in the sexual act, is equally responsible for it, unless its not consensual of course.

It's actually a fact.

I agree in these situations its only the man who has cheated, but come on im sure strippers realise that some women won't be very pleasant about them. I'm fairly sure they don't give a shiny shit either.

Yup. I am close to 3 former strippers, I knew them when they were in the industry and one is also a former prostitute and my family. All of them you would think are normal fairly nice people. The way they spoke about the wives and girlfriends was really unkind, they did not care about that aspect of their industry at all.

👀

Indigotree:
"If you're in love, it isn't normal to be attracted to other people."

Of course that's normal.

The lapdance thing is up to individual couples to decide on.

This is the best one-liner I've read on MN in a fair while.

Wow poor sod

@Bookworm20 totally agree!!