Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

Lol 😂

What he did was disgusting, OP, and deeply disrespectful to you. He only told you in order to stop you finding out from someone else. That’s not genuine honesty. He’s just given you a pile of grief and shock.

But I would be more concerned about his refusal to talk to you about it.
He is telling you loud and clear that he has no respect for you and doesn’t care about your feelings. So you just have to put up and shut up.

That’s what would make me leave him.

If you want to save your marriage, I would insist that he apologises and discussed with you why he thought it was ok, both to behave like that with another woman and to show you that he doesn’t care how you feel.

But I can’t really see any good outcome.

Thd big question is, do you want your children to grow up with him as a role model? And with you as the role model for putting up with whatever a man wants?

I think sleaze in general has been horribly normalised. It's not just strip clubs and Lap dances- in the 80s and 90s if a bloke had been whipping out his porn mags 5 days a week or banging on a porn DVD to crack off too- most women would have said he was a bloody sleaze and ditched him- yet we are all expected to be cool and dandy about partnered up/married guys of all ages doing this on their phones-and just accept 'they all do it' - personally I find it a total turn off in blokes if it is a very regular habit. Same goes for stag nights- I got married first time in 80s- lots of our friends did- I don't remember a single stag night that involved strip clubs etc

It would give me the ick if a partner of mine did this and i wouldnt be able to have sex with him again

@Crikeyalmighty yes its like we have gone backwards.

OP I think it's fine to also be angry with the person who enabled the situation.

It's a choice to work in that environment - unless you are trafficked. It's a choice to sell yourself for casual thrills. They know a lot of these men are married or in partnership and they DGAS. They will call it feminism, because they are women making a choice to do it. It is not, it is enabling toxic masculinity.

As for men that do it, knowing this is the kind of pain caused in 'committed' relationship. I think it's called seeking forgiveness, not permission? They know what they are doing. It's one thing to be jollied along to a club. It's another thing altogether to pay for a dance.

@Indigotree & @Daisydu

When I met my OH I stopped looking in a way of desire at any other person, you can find someone attractive and keep it to yourself but I think it's in bad taste to visibly drool over someone when partnered and in love. And as long as the other person knows that, yeah to me looking a certain way at someone in my book counts as cheating.

Absolutely, and at a rate of knots.🙄

We really have gone backwards, it’s so utterly depressing!

Your feeling are 100 % valid. I hope you don't think that I am in any way saying that are not by asking this

You mention that you thought you'd be ok about it - was this ever a discussion you had had with DH?

Was he under the impression that you'd be ok from something you had said?

Was the strip clob mentioned before he went away or any discussion around it? Even a jokey one?

Sometimes people can be under the impression they have been given permission through jokes etc.

Again, not trying to invalidate your feelings and also you may neveer have had ANY conversation around this

Yep.. while stripping, prostitution, OnlyFans, porn is so accepted and normalised, even just existing, any progress forwards is cancelled out.

I'd best get on the phone too!

So you make pathetic attempts at tearing another woman down by calling her a tart for doing her job? Dick move tbh. I had sympathy for you but it went right out the window with that comment, it makes you sound like a pathetic, petulant teenager.

Or she’s just hurt.

my sister was a stripper for years in a club, she definitely isn’t a tart, far from it, but she wouldn’t have been offended at that comment from an angry wife or gf. She did it for the money.. and she loved pole dancing!

Has he literally charged this to a joint bank account or is it family money in the sense that you have agreed together to class all money as joint/family money?

@Seryse oh no what will OP do, she hasn't got your sympathy

Being hurt doesn't give you the right to be a dick towards someone doing their job. She was literally just doing her job, like the woman who served him in Asda say, doubt she'd call her a tart though. Its pathetic. Hurt or not, it's not right, I've been hurt plenty of times by various things in life, didn't use that as an excuse to be petulant. It was uncalled for and she knows it but the jealousy, anxiety and insecurity is eating her up too much to admit it atm. I just hope at some point she realises how bad that made her sound, hence the post.

Jesus calm down. Aren’t you bloody perfect for not ever making a quick comment about someone while being hurt, not like she said it to the girls face, she will never know and probably care less than you lol

I am sorry OP, how awful for you. Your feelings are totally valid and at the right time you need to tell him how you feel and that you feel cheated. I too cannot understand why it has to actually be pointed out to men that this is cheating. think about it, the only reason some people think its ok, is because money changes hands! If it didn't, it would be cheating without question. Money doesn't legitimise this. It, to me, makes it worse. I have actually made it clear to my partner what I think of the sex industry and that I consider it all cheating, so theres no room for it in our relationship and he's well aware of it- not that I think he would, I said this early on. I think everyone should discuss it once things get serious, because it is so normalised.

Cry herself to sleep surely, no? (<- Note laced with heavy sarcasm)

A stranger on the Internet thats she's never going to meet nor think about again called her out for being a knob, it happens to everyone at some point. I just refuse to watch some poor lass that was just doing her job (and potentially maybe being forced to do that job, we don't know) get called a tart, it's not cool.

Oh just stop. She wasn't a dick to anyone, she hasn't walked into the club and abused her! She said it here, anonymously. No need for you to hassle her at all. It is not like the woman is Asda at all. There is no sexual connection! Which to most in committed relationships, is something you only do with your partner. The comparison is ridiculous. She is allowed to be hurt and in pain. These are valid responses to what happened.

I've never been so petty to call someone a tart simply for doing their job, no. Regardless of whether the lass knows about it or not it was wrong. Being hurt doesn't validate being a tit.

Then be angry with the men who consume it for creating a market where this is genuinely a good option for young women to pay their bills. Be angry with your husbands choice of friends for making gross choices, be angry with the producers and hosting services that pour endless free porn online which totally normalises this behaviour.

sure you can watch movies + shows where it’s glamourised + a ‘choice’. ‘The prostitute who gave me a freebie because I was so great in bed’ is a pretty common porn trope and very unlikely from a woman who just wants to pay her rent.

For the worker it’s dangerous, and smelly, and violating and gross. there will always be the occasional person who perhaps does enjoy it but I didn’t meet any… the time I have spent working with sex workers has made me generally horrified with men, not the women / people who work in the trade.

But getting angry with a stripper for your husband or partner getting a lap dance is like getting angry with a brewery because your husband got arrested for drunk driving… personal accountability is the key here!

@Seryse

Isn't calling someone a knob as bad as calling someone a tart? 🤷🏽‍♀️

Opinions are like assholes, everybody has one. Mine- she was a dick for calling the lass that who's done nothing wrong. You're entitled to yours.