Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

Christ.

‘Some tarts titties’… this is a choice your husband made. Don’t place blame on the woman.

I read this thread wondering how I’d react but knowing that my husband has ALWAYS avoided stag dos, particularly if there are strip clubs etc so it’s something I’ve never needed to worry about. This was the case WAY before we met.

Some men do not entertain this rubbish and the argument all men do it only fuels the normalisation of this behaviour, when there are a significant number of men who actively avoid it.

Your husband is not one of them and is one who doesn’t just attend but pays!

It's going to vary from club to club and dancer to dancer, but generally they are naked and rubbing their crotch and bum against the man's groin and their nipples and crotch in the man's face. It's not the nudity, it's the nudity plus physical contact that makes it different to what your husband experiences teaching dance class, presumably.

Right. One of his ex students went onto dance at the Moulin Rouge but I guess it's a lot classier there, despite the toplessness,

I have known several strippers and a couple of women who used to be prostitutes. They were not tarts. They were normal women, some had suffered abuse at the hands of men pre stripping. ALL had suffered abuse from stripping. Others needed to make ends meet around their kids. All of them should have had access to a better life.

When a friend was attacked in the street it was a prostitute who helped him. She was the only person who bothered, the ‘men’ walked on by.

I am sorry your husband is another shitbag who thinks he can buy women’s bodies. It’s vile.

Shit I've just realised I've never told DP I'd really rather prefer it if he didn't allow another woman to flap her tits in his face, smear her vulva all over him or dry hump him whilst using our money to pay for it.

I'll message him now 👍

Goodness that's extreme!

Ask him how he would feel if you had a private erotic dance by a male?

So, what does constitute a 'tart', because personally I'm not keen on that term.

It really isn’t. Not if you’re madly in love. I didn’t for years and only resumed when cracks started to form in the relationship. Well there were always cracks….so huge crevasses!

Which is an excellent boundary to have! Good for you.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

We see these threads on MN far too often.

Why or why oh why do women not discuss these topics with their DH before getting married? Or before moving in with a partner?

Any deal-breakers for either party should be made clear and discussed fully before commitment. That is what dating is for, to get to know someone and see if you are on the same page.

OP I don't know what the answer is.

You still haven't said if he knew what your opinion was on this behaviour or if you discussed this with him?

Lol this post: man has lap dance - fine get over it. Woman calls stripper a tart - boo unreasonable.

Crazy crazy times.

No. Just raise expectations.
I'm not lowering the bar of what I believe makes good relationship behaviour just because a random bloke on MN likes young women to dance naked over him.

I chose a partner who doesn’t objectify women or participate in the sex trade.

It’s not about “not trusting” a bloke to behave when out on a lairy night at a strip club, it’s about expecting better from the men in our lives.

DH wouldn’t go to a lap dancing club because he isn’t a misogynist who believes he can buy consent.

For some people, the bar for men’s behaviour is so low as to be actually underground.

My husband wouldn't be bothered by or feel threatened by this in the least.

Whereas I would be (and have been) very hurt by him receiving a dance from a female.

I can't quite articulate the difference.

I wouldn't be in the least bit turned on by a sweaty, greasy, strange man gyrating on me. Whereas I know most men would be turned on by a naked female.

Perhaps that is the difference.

Anyway, @Rabbithole90 I have been in this situation. Partner had a dance on a stag do about 10 years ago. I straight out asked him and he just kind of rolled his eyes and said yes. He was then genuinely shocked that I was so upset. He didn't seem to see it as a big deal and did seem genuinely remorseful that I was so hurt.

I was very hurt and jealous and felt very insecure and inadequate.

But I don't think about it these days. It's been a long time since I thought about it.

I couldn't really equate it with cheating because of how he behaved about it. If he had viewed it as verging on cheating he wouldn't have told me. And I would have had no way of finding out.

However, now that he knows how much it upset me, if he did it again maybe I would view it differently.

😂😂😂

Thank you. This is totally how I feel xx

Exactly.

I don't need to spell out every unacceptable behaviour in my relationship. We have a pretty instinctive understanding of what's OK for us.

I've never really understand the whole idea of celebrating marrying the women you claim to love by paying for another women to rub their naked body all over you, often whilst others watch on. It really doesn't make sense when you actual think about what these men are out to celebrate.

Yes some blokes will say it's a 'last day of freedom' thing - but if these men genuinely believe marrying a women means they are no longer free, then maybe they should stay single.

We need to make sexual exploitation of (predominately) young women not the norm. Paying women to remove their clothes and dance for you, rubbing against you, shouldn't be an acceptable form of entertainment.

You think women are responsible for telling men that having another naked woman writhe around all over them whilst paying for it out of family money might be a deal breaker?

How about the default position being no, my wife etc probably won't be ok with my nose being 1mm away from another womans clit, but id like that to happen so ill check and see what she says. I mean, christ, most blokes check what their other half wants for Dinner if they are tasked with the shopping but they can't check in about this? 🙄

You say any deal breaker.... Like do i also now need to tell DP that shagging the dog is a deal breaker?

That will be hell of a long list of deal breakers if we now have to be clear on what should be obvious.

@wineschmine

I was very hurt and jealous and felt very insecure and inadequate
This /\

Exactly. Some people are happy with a relationship where both fancy other people as well. Personally I'd find that bizarre and unpleasant. Being in love is usually an intense and overwhelming experience (in a wonderful, joyous and positive way) in which both are mutually focused on and absorbed by one another. It is simply a bizarre contradiction to fancy other people in that state of being. I can't see how it's even possible.

Exactly. It should be blatantly obvious and not need saying that horrific misogynist acts are not acceptable if in a relationship with a woman, nor is paying someone to perform sex acts.

These aren't boys though. They are supposed to be responsible, mature men. Clearly it's a man who feels women's bodies are something he should be able to pay for.

Not a very nice man it would seem.