Page 17 | Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

Rabbithole90 · 2023-07-24T20:49:54+00:00

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40. I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

Weefreetiffany · 25/07/2023 11:58

No I don’t think all men are like that or even like it. When I was younger it was seen as sad and sleazy. Old men who couldnt get a real life woman or mentally damaged gangsters preying on women who didn’t have a better option. Now thanks to American tv like “how I met your mother” for example it’s seen as a fine old time for men and women are either cool and go along with it or uptight bitches.

It seems like the more political and economic equality women have achieved the more extreme and normalised porn and sex work have become. Thankfully my husband feels the same, the transactional nature, fakeness and strip club vibe is a massive turn off for both of us. He would never take male clients to a strip clip or expect female clients and colleagues to accept it. He has said would rather not run the risk of encountering someone trafficked or have his pockets emptied by a stripper. My views align with his, however other couples might be fine with it if that’s what they’ve agreed to spend their money on. If you haven’t agreed that it’s fine OP, then what the heck is your husband up to disrespecting you and himself like that?

Jenasaurus · 25/07/2023 11:59

Troyton · 24/07/2023 22:33

I'm a man (as Frank Spencer once said) and I think it's gross. I've been on a few stag do's, on the one that did end up at a strip club, myself and a couple of the other married/attached blokes just said "not for us, have fun but we are getting a kebab and heading for home".

Its not my kind of thing anyway, but I don't think it should be something any man in a relationship should do.

I'd be interested in how many of the ladies who reckon they would be cool with it, would maintain that cool head if it happened to them?

I remember years ago my EXP went on his brothers stag do, there were strippers, when he came home he told me straight away as he was embarrassed, according to him the worst bit was they lay on a table naked and opened their legs in front of all these men, so degrading for the women as well. I was really hurt but understood he didnt choose or expect this to happen and he was in a group of males all drunk. In your case your DH made a conscious choice to pay to have a lapdance and that would be it for me to be honest.

Hadjab · 25/07/2023 12:02

Rabbithole90 · 25/07/2023 09:48

I'm not sure how I feel today, after having slept on it. I still feel cheated to some extent, I also feel disheartened and miffed, not to mention still being in total shock. So many questions, he'll never answer them.

Some tarts titties in his face

Let's not bandy misogynistic phrases like tart around - you have no idea what her circumstances are. There is a very high chance that she's actually been trafficked to entertain twats like your DH.

Blame him, not her.

QueefQueen80s · 25/07/2023 12:04

@LuckySantangelo35 Because men in packs behave a certain way. Very "manly" men behave a certain way. I've just never ended up with men who do this stuff, they might have a mate round for a gaming session or go on a motorbike ride to a cafe together. Tinker on their cars together. They pass all my sleaze tests and I have many.. both online and in person.
None have even been on stags. I know many men would maybe go on an activity thing as their stag and that'd be fine.
But men who go out in laddy groups are definitely acting single. I see it from the other side constantly. There are more married men on apps than singles. Men who go to foreign countries drinking for their stag are cheating, maybe not all but more than women think. It is rife. A lapdance is the LEAST of it
What happens on stag stays on stag..

QueefQueen80s · 25/07/2023 12:05

@Hadjab Yes I agree, never blame the stripper or prostitute. Men have created this sleazy demand.

J007 · 25/07/2023 12:08

Up to my mid 20's this sort of thing was seen as fun. And tbh I didn't think about it. But since kids and responsibilities, the appeal has lapsed for the majority. Now my older circle of friends 40's, a good night out is more likely to entail a sporting event, a meal rounded off with a drink in a bar, a BBQ etc.. Following day for most of us would involve playing parent taxi to get the kids to their clubs!

There are still guys that I know who'd jump at this sort of thing, mainly the army boys/lads(I think there are different reasons to that)however, this is something most should grow out of. Having thought about this more I think the op should be pissed. Going to the lap dancing club as part of a stag/hen is one thing (similar to what my wife did) but, the private dance would've been his choice. In my experience, it's only the guys that would do this and more who'd entertain this.

CurlewKate · 25/07/2023 12:09

"Some tart's titties" has instantly halved-at least-my sympathy.

Jenasaurus · 25/07/2023 12:12

For my DILs hen weekend, we went to a seaside town and her maid of honour had organised a burlesque/drag club, I thought it was quite tasteful, that was until a naked woman appeared on a hoop hung from the ceiling and did gymnastics! I was with my DD and my DIL and lots of other women including my DILs own mum, and some of us didn't know where to look, I am not a prude but felt so uncomfortable and embarrassed, and this was more on the artistic scale than strippers or lap dancing. However the males around certainly perked up (and some of the women too)

Ansjovis · 25/07/2023 12:13

CurlewKate · 25/07/2023 12:09

"Some tart's titties" has instantly halved-at least-my sympathy.

100% - we have no need to resort to misogyny here. The woman who performed the lapdance was doing so in the context of completely legal employment. Whether or not it will cause a problem within the relationships of any of the men she dances for is not her concern, she's just trying to earn a living.

AramintaLee · 25/07/2023 12:17

Rabbithole90 · 25/07/2023 09:48

I'm not sure how I feel today, after having slept on it. I still feel cheated to some extent, I also feel disheartened and miffed, not to mention still being in total shock. So many questions, he'll never answer them.

Some tarts titties in his face

I lost a bit of sympathy when you called her a "tart". It's not her fault. She's paid to do a job and you don't know her circumstances that led to her working as a lapdancer.

Perhaps best to keep your anger directed at your husband.

Cactusprick · 25/07/2023 12:19

Rabbithole90 · 25/07/2023 09:48

I'm not sure how I feel today, after having slept on it. I still feel cheated to some extent, I also feel disheartened and miffed, not to mention still being in total shock. So many questions, he'll never answer them.

Some tarts titties in his face

Well then he needs to leave if he won’t answer

hot2trotter · 25/07/2023 12:19

That would be a relationship ender for me, immediately.
Some women may be ok with it and that's fine, we all have different boundaries. A lap dance, for me, would be crossing the boundary and he'd be gone.

belei1922 · 25/07/2023 12:20

LunaNorth · 24/07/2023 21:52

I don’t blame you. Your husband has paid for a naked woman to gyrate at him. Absolutely gross, and I’d kick mine out for it.

Don’t let him minimise it, the disrespectful bastard.

❤️

hot2trotter · 25/07/2023 12:20

Oh I didn't see you'd called the lapdancer a "tart" - how nice of you!

FloydPepper · 25/07/2023 12:23

You’ve not answered whether you’d said it was ok in advance. That’s pretty pertinent

FloydPepper · 25/07/2023 12:24

Cactusprick · 25/07/2023 12:19

Well then he needs to leave if he won’t answer

Show quote history

Op have you actually asked him any of these questions you have?

TeaKitten · 25/07/2023 12:25

Rabbithole90 · 25/07/2023 09:48

I'm not sure how I feel today, after having slept on it. I still feel cheated to some extent, I also feel disheartened and miffed, not to mention still being in total shock. So many questions, he'll never answer them.

Some tarts titties in his face

The woman is doing her job, if anyone is a ‘tart’ it’s him. She hasn’t done anything wrong here, he has, you don’t no her circumstances or if she’s been trafficked or anything and I doubt he stopped to ask either. If he won’t answer the questions can the relationship carry on from here?

Readyplayerthr33 · 25/07/2023 12:27

Rabbithole90 · 25/07/2023 09:48

I'm not sure how I feel today, after having slept on it. I still feel cheated to some extent, I also feel disheartened and miffed, not to mention still being in total shock. So many questions, he'll never answer them.

Some tarts titties in his face

The woman hasn’t done anything wrong here. It’s her job. She doesn’t owe you anything. She certainly isn’t a tart for having to do that as a job, and you’ve no idea why she is in that job. But she hasn’t done anything to you, she isn’t a tart and if you’re angry then direct that anger at your husband, the person who actually owes you something. Women always go after other women in these situations even though they haven’t done anything to you and don’t owe you a thing. He does.

ididntwanttodoit · 25/07/2023 12:30

Well it's a bit gross but really? A sexy dance, nothing more. And context is everything - he was on a stag do. Why do you think he felt the need to tell you? Sounds as if he needs absolution. Give it to him - and make him pay in other ways!

BathroomOnTheRight · 25/07/2023 12:32

laidbacklife · 25/07/2023 10:48

I’m certainly not ‘cool girl’ whatever that is, far too old now to be cool. But this wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. At least he was honest. When lap dancing was a thing in the 90s it wasn’t unheard of for women to pay for one out of curiosity. A few girls I know did just that and they were in relationships at the time. Would I consider it cheating? Absolutely not. But that is just my opinion and everyone has different boundaries.

Supporting the sex industry and everything that goes with it would be a bigger issue for me and I would be furious about that (ie. the trafficking, dug addiction etc). But that is separate to whether I’d feel cheated on or not.

Strip clubs are part of the sex industry!

Museya15 · 25/07/2023 12:33

Boys will be boys...

ScottishIceCream · 25/07/2023 12:35

Rabbithole90 · 25/07/2023 09:48

I'm not sure how I feel today, after having slept on it. I still feel cheated to some extent, I also feel disheartened and miffed, not to mention still being in total shock. So many questions, he'll never answer them.

Some tarts titties in his face

I could never come back from this.

Just looking at him would give me the ick, and Id never see him as anything other than a complete sleaze.

LuckySantangelo35 · 25/07/2023 12:37

Museya15 · 25/07/2023 12:33

Boys will be boys...

@Museya15

the 1950’s called…

Sleepydoor · 25/07/2023 12:38

Hooplahooping · 25/07/2023 08:47

As someone who has worked with sex workers and strippers for much of my life (non profit / advocacy / access to education + legal protection etc) - this is absolutely true. There might be rules about the punters not touching the girls / workers - but the tip jars get fuller much quicker when they allow it, initiate the touch them selves, offer the extras. Once you’re immersed in that world + you’re thinking about paying your rent vs the sad prick what’s the difference.

zero judgement on the workers - I’ve never met a 6 year old who wanted that for their lives, or a mother who wanted that for her daughter. But circumstances - sometimes of their own making but often of others - get them there.

the consumers are the problem.

but it isn’t just a Disney style burlesque event where someone pretty wiggles their tassels + bottom around contact free…

"Disney stye burlesque" is exactly what a lot of people on these threads feel the need to convince themselves and others goes on at all strip clubs.

Bookworm20 · 25/07/2023 12:44

FloydPepper · 25/07/2023 12:23

You’ve not answered whether you’d said it was ok in advance. That’s pretty pertinent

Why? Surely the default of married men should be NOT to cheat on their wives with naked gyrating women they pay for. Is it now a case the default is actually that unless we ask them to kindly, if they don't mind, not do that, they assume its perfectly ok?

I get people piling on OP for the whole tarts titties thing, but remember she is pretty upset, hurt and emotional and its a totally natural instinct to lash out at anything connected to why shes now hurt. I'm sure she has equally called or thought of her husband as a piece of shit. Pretty sure we've all said things when lashing out and hurt. Its hard to direct ALL your anger at the person you thought you trusted and would never hurt you at first. Which is why many women when cheated on call the OW all the names under the sun, until that initial emotional unbelievable feeling gets rightly redirected at the person it should.