Dh had a lapdance. I feel broken

[Rabbithole90]

I always thought I would be ok if he ever did it. Never goaded him doing it whatsoever or encouraged but he's come home from a stag do and spent OUR money on it. £40.

I feel cheated on. I know I've not been. But I can't help how I feel. I'm so upset

Fun for who, exactly?

The man - yes.

His wife - not fun

The poor women being paid to do it - unlikely her actual idea of fun tbh and could well be trafficked or being pressured into doing it.

Who are these women that would be ‘cool’ with this? Why do people do this, go shooting off on self-righteous tangents when no one is saying this is ok? Just stop it, you are being so silly.

Of course you feel cheated on. Because he cheated. He paid a woman for sexual contact.

He chose to do it, he took action to make it happen, it wasn’t an accident or mistake.

I’m so sorry he was such a disrespectful asshole, OP.

I do actually agree with you. I turned down a stag do to Germany recently with a good friend as I know that it involved strip clubs (the crowd were mainly army lads too and I know the shenanigans they get up to!). This is why when she told me it hurt a bit because we had both discussed before without putting the boundaries in stone. I think next time she would leave and I believe her when she said she didn't want to be there. But I also know she'd have been put into a difficult position.

We both trust each other and that for me hasn't changed. If I was the guy (groom to-be, not part of wife's group) then most definitely I'd class that as cheating. Touching and licking a definite no..

If she'd had a private dance(don't even know if that's a thing at a male strip club) with no touching I think I would have to think long and hard about it. I wouldn't do it therefore, I wouldn't expect my wife to either. Trust would also be lost and, that is something that may never come back.

I don't have a lot of experience with strip clubs, 3 in fact - all stag parties. They have all been similar where the room is dull, most of the guys don't want to be there but, you have one or two that do.

I'm not a 'cool girl' but I can't get worked up over lap dancing

DP occasionally ends up there with clients, I just call him a sad wanker that he gets rinsed by a savvy woman
His mates wife is a dancer in a local club too, she's lovely

Many

I think it's a bit nasty calling a lap dancer a tart. Your husband is the one in the wrong here.

Mainly not women.

My DH declined any stag do at all to avoid any scenarios that might be foisted on him that he wouldn't be comfortable with.

Wow! Unbelievable! If I was him I’d be running a mile!

Yup, hypocrite central.

Explain?

I’m certainly not ‘cool girl’ whatever that is, far too old now to be cool. But this wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. At least he was honest. When lap dancing was a thing in the 90s it wasn’t unheard of for women to pay for one out of curiosity. A few girls I know did just that and they were in relationships at the time. Would I consider it cheating? Absolutely not. But that is just my opinion and everyone has different boundaries.

Supporting the sex industry and everything that goes with it would be a bigger issue for me and I would be furious about that (ie. the trafficking, dug addiction etc). But that is separate to whether I’d feel cheated on or not.

Dozens of companies advertise stag packages for events both in the UK and abroad. A trip to a lap dancing club is often part of the package. It seems to have become a bizarre kind of male bonding ritual. There are plenty of other threads on here about the hurt people feel when they are excluded from a group of friends. It's all very well saying partners should be morally strong and resist, but nobody wants to feel excluded-which probably explains why the stag party tends to act as a group. Drink (copious amounts) helps lift inhibitions. The night becomes about them and the here and now-not about their home life.

I saw that thread and most posters agreed it was gross and that the OP should tell her DH. The others thought the thread was a wind-up. I don;t know why posters are claiming that most of MN thought it was ok.

If my dp had a lap dance I'd consider it cheating. And he would very promptly be an ex dp. If he even went into a strip club i'd lose all respect for him to be honest and would struggle with it.

Why is it not cheating just because it was paid for? I mean if you came home and found Linda from the local pub was gyrating naked over him, you'd consider that 100% cheating! Why would it then change to 'oh that's fine' if he told you he'd bunged her a few quid?

Ask him this op. If you decided to take your kit off, gyrate naked over a random bloke would he consider that ok? I mean, as long as the bloke chucked you a fifty at the end, thats fine then, right?

A cool girl is either a male troll, a woman with low self esteem that tolerates shenanigans or someone not yet in a committed relationship.

The posters linking this to other threads are just trolls - ignore them.

This post is about OP not their agenda.

This is the problem with hen and stag parties. Alcohol and peer pressure makes some people do uncharacteristic things. Emotionally they don't mean anything to the people behaving badly at that point in time but, they can have long term impacts for that 30mins of fun.

I can maybe be.I've peer pressure when it involves teens or no early 20 somethings.

But not when adults are mid-late 20s and into their 30a/40s and beyond.

Both dh and I have turned down these kind of things on a night out after drink, on a stag night and hen do respectively.

Dh and a couple of others went for a curry whilst the stag and his other friends went to a strip club. I know this to be the case as I had to unfortunately call dh with some bad news that night so know where he was, and it was as he said it was.

I left a hen do early a few years back as the plan was to go to a male strip type show at a club. Wasn't my thing so headed home early. I wasn't the only one.

There's a difference between being at a club on a 'do', being approached/targeted by a dancer, and actively wanting it enough to pay for it.
I'd feel cheated on, too.

Personally, I wouldn't class a lap dance as cheating. However, I would find this behaviour deeply unattractive, and it could end the relationship as a result.

If he only had a lap dance because all the other blokes egged him on - well, that makes him susceptible to doing all kinds of crap because the lads said to. I find that mentality a huge turn off. I want a partner who makes sensible decisions based on what feels right to him.

If he had a lap dance because he didn't see the harm in it - well, he didn't consider how I would feel, knowing he'd been sexually aroused in public by some woman who probably looked nothing like me. I'd feel less than. I don't want a partner who makes stupid decisions without considering my feelings.

If he spent shared money on it rather than his own money - I'd feel disrespected. I'm fine with a man watching porn etc, but I find the idea of paying for it repulsive, and the idea of using my money even more disgusting. I guess a tenner out of his own funds for a pay per view video when staying in a hotel room by himself wouldn't get me, but the amount of money, and the amount of live interaction would. Something pre-recorded by some girl he's never going to see in real life is a fantasy. A woman gyrating in his face in real life (or even webcaming him) crosses that line between total make belief and reality. Don't men have any imaginations?

So... in short, I guess what I'm saying is, it doesn't really matter what label you stick on it. A lot of women, even if they wouldn't consider it cheating, would consider it unacceptable.

Yes, it always astonishes me that women on here think their men are incapable of refusing to take part in the sex industry, or that every stag group inevitibly ends up in a strip joint.

It wasn't - not by a long shot.

Tonnes of posters told her to tell him and heavily criticised her.

Certain posters are just pretending that didn't happen.

Selective reading.

I was wondering how long it would take someone to accuse those who are fine with this of being "cool". I don't think that there's anything cool about a lapdances, and I think the very existence of the practice is sexist. However I wouldn't end my relationship over it personally. I would have expected him to at least check with you first, and this would annoy me. If for you it counts as cheating then I don't see how you can carry on the relationship. I think for me the test would be how be reacts now, whether he's apologetic or belligerent about it.

DP occasionally ends up there with clients

He "has" to do business using titty bars.

Toxic masculinity at its finest.

And what of there are female clients or female workers .... So they have the choice of being left out of business bonding or going into strip joints full of semi naked and naked women grinding.
Yeah that should really be a choice in 21sf century business.

You call him a sad wanker, but stay with him and do nothing and accept it. Big impact, that must have.

I could not be with a man that needed to entertain his clients like this, gross.